one.hundred.forty.eight.

7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." matthew 7:7-8

my favorite day.

i woke up in the brass bed… my favorite bed. i remember this bed from my childhood, it was in my mimi's house. the blue paneled walls and the dark wood trim will forever be instilled in my memory. i am so blessed that i lived in a childhood of luxury. surrounded by antiques and mystery that my grandparents loved… me.

i was able to lay in bed and write for awhile. the white sheets and cream walls are like heaven… my mom sat in the room and put her make.up on…

what a beautiful morning. i did manage to stay still long enough to put together the day before. I'm having a really difficult time keeping up and writing. i have skipped another two days from the past… that i don't think i'll even remember enough now to write about… and this day almost seems too good to even be able to capture with words. if i died… today would be what heaven is like. 

mother and i went to town so i could get coffee from muddy's and so i could put some money in the bank. she had a few errands to run. we picked up dads bike from the bike shop where ashton bought our bikes. it was like a walk down memory lane… its funny how many people you see in just a few minutes of being in elizabeth city. 

all the hard work just seems worth it now to come back to this…

my ride to the beach was pretty amazing. just to sit in my 4runner and drive by myself is a blessing. i haven't driven a car in four months… and i haven't ridden in a car without another person either. i turned up the radio and sang all the way to beach. i like to drive fast and sing loud… there wasn't much traffic and i felt like i got to the bridge in record time. i listened to my favorite songs and i couldn't stop screaming with excitement. my hands clenched with each thought of how much i love being home. just the thought of everything is so wonderful. 

i got to the beach cottage and noticed just a few changes. lindsey and leanne's stuff is scattered about and it gives me a sense of nostalgia. its a comfort from childhood to be with this girls. i got ready and fixed my hair … and got myself looking like how i like to look. i ate some watermelon and out the door to micelles. i couldn't believe that i was actually going to see lindsey. i ran up the stairs and there she was… making brownies. this skinny little girl… with tousled blond hair… and her tan. we started to scream and she hugged me… i started shaking and felt like i could cry. its like i never left.. she held my face in her hands and we laughed. "here i am!" michelle was taking a phone call and stepped outside because we were being so loud. it was hard to focus to catch up… so i just grabbed a beer and stepped right back into my life. we have plenty of time to catch up over the next few weeks. i love it. 

i was able to meet her boyfriend from costa rica… it was his birthday today and she was getting ready for a picnic with him. they left and that gave michelle and i time to catch up alone. wow i've missed this girl. she needed a haircut… bad and i was thankful that she waited for me. her hair is so thick and crazy …. i took me awhile to get it how i wanted it and by the end we were both covered in her hair. i liked what i had to work with this time. the ends were bleached blonde and i took one side up short. she said she felt like she had lost a small animal…. her friend nadia came over and we sat on the couch and talked while shell showered off.. then we headed to the pier. i felt like this took forever… the beach road was crowded with tourist… all the houses and restaurants were full, you can tell that it is peak season. i am so blessed that i can come during this time. i was beyond estactic to just get there… oh my gosh. i couldn't contain it anymore and just as we were pulling in my sister lindsey called. we talked for a minute as i walked up the stairs. i could hear harry's voice singing to the amused tourist. they have no idea what talent they have stumbled upon. tupper noticed me first and smiled… then harry could feel it, he turned around and i felt like it took him just a minute… then he smiled. the smile was priceless and i know my face lit up too. i tried to be calm and just walk over to the bar… shell got me terrapin beers all night while i mingled around and caught up with everyone. it seemed like everyone was here… its so cool that i can just hang out with my best friends all in one place… this beautiful pier watching the sunset over the ocean while i listen to my friends play their music. it was like a step back in time to a more innocent place. susie and jess surprised me and i screamed some more… they were really happy to see me… it has almost been  a year. they are such beautiful creatures. i couldn't help but look at harry in amazement, he was able to get his dr. seuss guitar fixed and he looked like a sweaty mess… just like before. it was funny.. one of the girls said.. "harry looks so cute, he has like three new shirts for the summer". oh how i love this boy. when their first set ended i could see him making his way over to me… i started to get antsy and was talking to a client from divas when he came up behind me and put his arm around me. we got face to face and i felt like the world stopped moving. i could look into his eyes and see his porcelain skin… time has aged him. he never looks the same… to me. but he looks different while he is performing. his voice is low and handsome… but calm. i wish i could remember every word but i think that i was too excited and just starred at him for awhile. "thank you for the letters… you really have a nack for that… it was a really cool idea". i wish that he would've written one back, but he claimed that he didn't have anything to write about… it was more of a one sided conversation, but he did face book message me a long spill… so that was good. i like having his hand on my waist, we chatted for a few minutes.. nothing too serious and he had to go tune his guitar. everyone i think was watching us… friends and tourist alike. it was really romantic i suppose. the longest eight months… this hard journey that i went on… i felt like he knew me and i knew him just for the simple moment. it was all worth it. 

the second set was good… the sun started to set and i was getting a little more… excited. we started to dance around and jess and susie and i went for a walk to the end of the pier. it was really windy and our hair was blowing everywhere. i talked to jess about how life is dating tupper, i think that they are amazing together and we talked about how busy they are this summer. sometimes we are so busy that it takes a minute to step back and enjoy the scenery… and how much we are in love with our lives. 

to see these girls faces… this is why i am the way i am… i am loved.

i can feel the love more than ever as everyone is happy and giddy for my arrival. its like the party is meant for me this evening and i get to hear my man sing me songs that jog my memory from the pass. you could've never told me that years ago i would be in the moment… i wouldn't believe you. katie (joey's sister) showed up late and i gave her a hug, we laughed a bit and chatted… it was her birthday just a few days ago… oh 23, how that was a good year for me. i think i hugged and talked to everyone in my past all in one night. wow. but the fairytale did have to end and it seemed like everyone was going to have an early night, makes sense… everyone is working really hard this summer. i waited until the end and caught harry just as he was leaving. he talked about how he wasn't feeling well and that he had the whole weekend off. we joked a minute and i poked him about not taking his vitamins… then he hugged me and his hand slid down my arm was we grabbed hands… i have held his hand in the past and i know this feeling. i tried to be sly and walk off… letting our hands slide apart just as easily as they slid together as i walked off and laughed. i think they view (if he turned around to see) was a good one of my dress and hair trailing down my back… as i walked away. i felt sick and excited as i got in shells 4runner. nadia and her laughed at me… and shell said "i think he might actually like you. i haven't seen him look at someone the way he did you… he kept his eyes on you the whole time as he was trying to walk over and see you…" this comment made my night. 

the ride home was quicker and i had to pee so bad. the excitement and anxiety was piling up and i ran into her house to pee… lindsey was peeing and she hurried into her room.. she had other business to take care of. shell and i had a snack that she got at 7-eleven and we sat on the couch a minute to talk so i could sober up. we talked about harry just a little bit more as she began to reassure me that harry does have something for me. i reminded her of what she said months back while we were in long beach… about harry would never date me. "i don't know now… the way he looked at you…" we shall see. there is no need to get my hopes up.

it is impressive what i have accomplished the last seven months in his absence. he keeps me going for some reason. i am so inspired by this little boy that i can't contain it. he wouldn't be so into me if i hadn't done that for myself. he wouldn't be interested if i was just living at the beach or the summer. it took me giving up everything and writing my heart out on paper to the boy to make him look my way… and if that is what it takes…

i don't want to get my hopes up but… i am looking forward to my future here. i am going to fall in love even more i think.

i got home and hugged lindsey. it is her birthday too… we couahgt up a minute and she could tell that i was excited. i showed her the journal that i had made for harry… by another boy. its comical i know. her friend daniel was over and they were about to watch a movie once leanne got home. it was good to see these girls and hear their simple laughter. i had to go to sleep… after writing in my journal. i didn't know what else to do to help me stop dreaming and thinking about the night. i didn't want it to end… but it has to move on. you only get minutes and then they disappear. it feels so nice to settle into the california king that i feel in love in… with…. all of it. it just holds me in and keeps me safe.

i had crazy dreams of the boys from long beach. i was at some event and everyone was dressed up. harry was there and in a red and white striped shirt.. like waldo. but i couldn't find him anywhere… i would see a glimpse then he would disappear. i remember breaking my iPhone and it was all shattered, i started to cry because i knew that i couldn't afford to replace it. oliver and andrews were there and oliver gave me the biggest hug and said… don't worry about it, its just a thing, we can get you a new one. i remember feeling so much love towards these boys… i saw them siting with harry at one point and they came over to tell me what an amazing human he was. i just don't recall all the details… 

one.hundred.forty.seven.

i woke up early but surprisingly i just laid in bed when the alarm went off at five fifteen in the morning. i assumed that i would be more eager to get out of bed… considering i would be home in twelve hours. i gathered my things and did last minute packing… i only managed to forget a few things that i suppose aren't that important anyway.  i texted ali and she picked me up about ten minutes before six. my luggage was too heavy… and i was already worried that i was going to be late.

traffic wasn't that bad and i had packed snacks to eat along the way. i knew that i didn't want to spend any money or eat at the airport…i am on a very strict diet. once we arrived it was pure chaos at the airport… its usually like this at LAX, just too many people trying to get somewhere fast. it started immediately when i was trying to make my way into the door and there were so many people and no one cared to move… the attitudes of the employee that wouldn't get out of my way… i guess i was in her way too. lots of rude people… the lines were long and i spent most of the time looking around at what everyone was doing and wearing. there were a lot of pretty girls in line, that comes with the territory for LA. i could tell that many of the people were going on vacation… families with their little children. i can't imagine traveling with children right now… i can't even imagine having them… much less traveling with them.

when i got to the first kiosk the lady informed me that i my bag was five pounds overweight and i would have to pay  $75 dollars… i got so upset. "NO EXCEPTIONS" she yelled. "where would that money come from?" i kept running over in my head… and i started to cry. luckily i did have some spare money set aside for gas and i just had to use that. the entire thing upset me so much… i was just silly and should've packed more efficiently. lesson learned. after some dramatic tears i made it to security which was also chaos… luckily i have this system down and made it through just fine.  everything went really quickly, i hardly had time to sit still and pray before boarding the plane. i managed to get a good window seat and quickly wrapped myself up in a blanket and fell asleep. every so many hours i would look out the window, but i was too tired to really care that i was flying over the entire country. i was just ready to be home. since i hardly slept… only like 3 or 4 hours that night before. we landed in atlanta and you could feel the humidity immediately.  the clouds while we were landing were really cool… lots of storm clouds and there were sections of clouds that piled up, thats where the thunderstorms were taking place.

we landed early but ended up getting things mixed up at the gate and sat on the runway for awhile… i really had to use the bathroom so as soon as i got off i headed towards the women's room. while i was sitting in there i checked my boarding flight for the next flight… oh shit. i had only five minutes, they may have already closed the gates. i started to sweat and gathered my things and took off running. i was a mess running through all the people and i heard them paging me from the gate… "tehra burton…." i made it just in time and she closed the gate. i was out of breath and the flight attendant laughed… "we saved the best for last". i was so thankful that i made it, because i am so close to home that i can almost smell it… i can feel it for sure.  the flight to norfolk was only an hour long and i managed to be able to sleep for most of it. i sat beside this adorable older couple that read their kindles and talked really nice to each other. the landing was a little shaky into norfolk, we had to go through some thunder cells… and then i was home. the comfort of norfolk airport is nice… its always calm and the people are nice. i met mom outside and she looked so pretty dressed in her bright colored dress! wow… i have missed her. she is such a beautiful person and she made sure to let me know that i was missed and she was so glad that i was home. "you look good honey… your skin looks good". thats what i worry about, aging myself by living this life in LA. 

we had dinner at our usual spot in greenbrier and then ran some errands at the mall. i needed to return some things to ULTA and then see if sephora had the sea salt spray that i was looking for.. but they did not. i guess I'm going to the sea salt so I can live without it for a while. the evening was so nice, the car ride back was relaxing. driving through the dark country roads… no cars. we talked a lot about what my life is like on the west side…then we got home and had to go pick up dads truck from charlie's. this was the first time i had driven a car in over four months.. its a good feeling. especially when the roads you are driving are long, dark and windy… lined with tall stalks of corn. the good ol'country roads of the past… boy i miss them.

i hung out with the cats and tessa was all distraught because she didn't remember me.. i laid with annie in the brass bed and spent some time writing. i was really tired and slept well while cuddling with a cat. this is the life.  

traveling faster than time today. things are not as they seem... its a matter of hurrying towards stillness. the chaos of the crowds and self absorbed society... all the way across the country. 

thoughts of them.. all the music, all the talent... all the boys. from coast to coast; they hold me down.

i am in love.

i am in love with my life..

the light that shines down

below...

i am in love with LA.

once you are out... you realize what's in. now that i am gone, i can see what i have. everything i need. 

pay the tolls and try and smile. it's just money... what a waste. i hate to waste.. but i've done it my entire life. more will always come... so i let this one slide. 

in a time when you can cross the country in just a few hours... i take advantage of the skies. the miles i have traveled... the journey i am on, i get to land on my island soon. 

it's time to see my main man. eight months later...  

one.hundred.forty.six.

monday at the salon… my last day.

one.hundred.forty.five.

another two days lost in the abyss of my memory. i was trudging through these days too fast and hard trying to get home. i know that i worked a lot. the rest i guess wasn't worth remembering… or writing about. 

one.hundred.forty.four.

saturday june 22

this day was good. i had a difficult time waking up and thought about going into work late, but i dont usually follow through with showing up late. i didnt set an alarm but my body woke me up at the usual time. i just wanted to lay... the bike ride was nice, the sun is finally out in the mornig. i still managed to make it to work on time but my ten am appointment cancelled becuase she was sick. it was fine, the other girls appointments cancelled too.. which was stange, but left us time to talk. i took some time to have food and then waited for my first appointment. it was a mens haircut and i was glad to get a new client. his name is ryan and as soon as i saw him.. i liked his eyes. he had a head of crazy hair and wanted to clean it up a bit. he was interesting from the start. i found out that he is an artist.. graphic designer that is now a designer for billanbong. wow, this is really exciting. he seems really quiet... i liked his voice. it was funny that london's client talked to him more than i did during the appointment. she was interested in his profession, i was intrigued with what kind of art he shows. we continued our talk and he asked how i ended up out here... i proceeded to talk to him about the adventure to get here. "sounds like the beginning of a movie". yes.. that it does. i had to contain my excitement about meeting him. i wanted to ask him to hang out... but i'll see if he comes back for another haircut. i had another mens haircut right after, i didnt remember him from the time before... but after some time into it, we established that i had met his wife a few weeks ago from niya. small town... even in a big city. i need to learn to watch what i say. i had a meeting with robert about how i was doing at work. it was nice to see numbers and know that i am actsully making money, and i have and 55% retention for clients. it is just unfortnate to see how much i could make if i didnt give sixty percent of it away, but thats how you have to start. robert made the comment that i must have something going on that people liked. i suppose, i'm planning on creating quite a following. i talked about some other things, i remember saying to him about how i am having a hard time with the entire move, i'm trying to rely on God right now. watching sermons online and just trying to learn the moral code for how i can keep good things coming, passing it back around. i am truely blessed with this life, but why is it that we long for what we once had? it's not that i want it again... it's that i need it to be a part of me.

i talked to london for just a bit about how i dont think that i am meant for just one man, he smiled and agreed with me. "i am inspired by strong independent women, goddesses don't belong to just one." this is true, i actually belong to the universe... i belong to the world... all the dimensions where each path has been crossed before. 

'they' come for the experience. that is what i will become. the tehra burton experience. you never know what will happen. i'm stuck in my head too much to explain what i mean by this. its actually a phenomenon. 

Jeremy came to see me at the salon just around four thirty.. We went out to the back patio to sit and talk about the details of the journals and bracelets. He brought some red bow ties and I chose which one i  wanted. I went with a larger one that was made of the blue-red matte finish. I debated in my mind if this was the right choice, I'm still not sure that I will give it to harry, I'm debating keeping it for myself. I could wear it in my hair,'I'm just not sure if it is his style, he has a mind of his own. 

I enjoyed my time with jeremy. It was nice to see him... Up close. I noticed today that he has the most amazing sea foam green eyes. In natural light they are magical... Suppose this explains why he looks down a lot. He knows. I tried to look into them as much as possible.. I wanted to see him more clearly. Everytime I see him he looks better.. More appealing. Our time was cut short because I was scheduled a last minute highlight appointment. It caught me off guard ... So I went to get ready. She was a quirky blond girl from New Orleans.. And she was on a strict time budget, she had to go get her boyfriend from the airport. I quickly foiled her hair, high and low.. The pace of the music helped speed up the process. I think london chose it because it reminded him of being at a rave or the electric daisy carnival. For the past few days we had been tossing around the idea of taking a last minute flight to Vegas to run around.. but neither of us can really afford it and we both have appointments. 

Niya came in around seven and I put a gloss in her hair... It was so quick and I needed to leave it in longer.. But I felt guilty for keeping london there late so i let it only stay on for about ten minutes. It was enough time to dull the brassiess and blend the line of demarcation. She made me a wine drink and I drank it fast. I cut her hair and styled it, she looked great and then we headed to the liqueur store to get shots. We made the plan to go to an art show that jeremy told me about... But time was getting away from us and we were stopped by a woman that was walking along, she had just been to the liqueur store as well. She started to talk to us about how she has worked hard her whole life to raise two handicapped children. the conversation was tough, she just needed to talk to someone, to get her point across. i think that we were just supposed to listen and let her know that God is on her side. without him, we are to achieve nothing. after almost an hour of standing outside of her shop talking.. i was watching the sun set and realizing that it was getting late. we were planning on meeting up with jeremy at an art show on fourth and cherry… but it was getting late. by the time we biked to my house the show was almost over and jeremy had texted me that they had left to go to band practice. niya and i took our time getting ready and taking shots of vodka right from the bottle. daniel and ian thought that it was funny to see us do this… as we made faces and chased it with cranberry juice.  we walked downtown… it was a nice walk and the temperature was really nice. we walked all the way to pine and decided to eat at allergia. the host was immediately friendly and assured us that we would have a table shortly and showed us to the bar. i was excited to have sangria, usually latin restuartnats have good sangria… and theirs was very good. carlos.. i believe that was his name… set us up in a nice table by the window. we sat beside each other in the booth so we could have a good view of everyone in the restaurant.  he offered to take a picture of us… and after a few shots we managed to get a decent one. its funny because neither of us photograph that well. but overall i was happy with the outcome, its just so rare that i even get a photo.  our food was good, i enjoyed the empanda the most. the vegetable lasagna was good… but alitle too sweet for my taste. i think maybe it was cooked with a white wine or even too much cheese. something was off and i remember it tasting better last time i tried it. we weren't sure of our plans for the remainder of the evening so we stayed and listened to the salsa band that was playing. people started to dance around and we were both very amused by the outfits that these spanish women dressed up in. i love to people watch, i really like to see what girls wear out now… its all ill fitting and scandalous, especially on saturday night.  jeremy began to text me again, asking what i was going to do for the evening. we didn't really have any other plans… so we deiced to meet them on fourth st. we took a cab and go dropped off at ferns. the place was a complete dive… including pool tables and poor lighting. there was a girl singing on stage… kinda joan jett like… but she finished her set shortly after we arrived. there was no sign of the boys.. so they must have moved on to another place close by. we saw that the red room was close and walked there… still no text from him so we scanned the place and i found him. he looked like he was in the process of texting me and i startled him with a "boo". it was kinda comical and i wasn't sure what to expect. he was a lot more charismatic that i had anticipated. his gestures and movements were full of more energy and i think it might have had something to do with the alcohol. he offered to get us both drinks.. which is very gentlemen like. then he introduced us to his friends… billy and joel. they are both very retro looking characters.. these are his band mates. we talk for a while, billy is very talkative and i find out that he is  a barber at razor backs… which is right down the street. the music is too loud and the crowd is to be desired so we decide to walk somewhere else. i believe we ended up at the v room? I'm not really sure.. but it was better. much calmer and the dj was playing good music. the boys were everywhere, they kept disappearing to chat off in weird places… leaving niya and i to occupy ourselves. we decided to take up space with our dancing skills… the music was appropriate and we made our own dance party. we were the only ones dancing for some time, a few people joined in…but they mostly stayed off into the distance and talked to one another. i caught billy staring at us… while he was supposed to be talking to a girl, i suppose we are more entertaining. towards the end of the night the boys were over by us dancing… they claimed that they don't do this often… dance, but we made it look like so much fun. dancing is one of my favorite past times. well.. one of the many things i love. i spotted joel hitting on a girl… his dark features stand out to me… and his obnoxiously long beard. we walked over to a taco place next store and each got a snack… then niya and i decided to walk home. it was close to my place and the walk was good for us. the boys said their goodbyes and I'm sure wanted us to hang out more… i like their hugs, very genuine. 

niya had to get up at six am the next morning so she fell asleep immediately and snored the whole night. i couldn't sleep and tried to wind down by getting high… washing my face and writing. i felt very inspired to write several pages… trying to just let the words flow without thinking too much about them. i was surprised with how much i got out before falling asleep with the pen in my hand. 

one.hundred.forty.three.

journal entry. 

the first day of summer  ---- the super full moon is upon us. i sat on the west coast porch with Ali & Ian. really all you need is a porch & friends.... food and i could be satisfied. all the thoughts in my head are overwhelming. i choose to sleep instead of write or focus on task that require me to.. i can't stop thinking about myself and what the fuck i am trying to do here. the picture is so much bigger, so much more important that me. but instead i am stuck in my mind. my whole entire life lead me up to this... lead me to this. i was created for this, made for this. i could lose everything with what i am doing, but i came into this world with nothing. it is no surprise i should leave with nothing. i have all the love in world. i literally spin a web of peace that will transcend across the world. the time has come to change. i sit and listen to Jimi Hendrix. listening to the minutes pass away. closer & closer to what i am trying to achieve. this is a strange ride. i just need to pray more, focus on keeping my faith strong. 

one.hundred.forty.two.

journal entry.

2:20am june 20th

I don't feel like writing for public anymore. only for myself. the silence leaves only a ticking clock. a moment i have been here before. i pause and remember a scene with a journal. Gabriel is really happening to me. i used to have a crush on this "character" from the lion king... he looks like him, but the human version. the discoloration of his skin around his mouth and hands intrigues me. reminds me that he is an animal. the arc angel as Daniel reminded me this evening. yes. i do realize this. what is he doing with me? i talk about him too much. but he takes over my thoughts. captures them and takes his toll of what he wants. he has changed things about me already. i like what his spell is doing. Niya said "i can't take credit for that". she saved it all. he we slept together that first night... it would all be over --
thank goodness we don't even remember our first kiss. drinking does this to me. i only know how to move like an animal and make a mess... that is gone the next morning. 

one.hundred.forty.one.

Wednesday. 

I let myself lay in bed for awhile ... The darkness and no need to get moving was a wonderful feeling. Gabriel texted me first thing.. Asking me about what I was doing for the day. I told him I was still in bed, surrounded by my iPhone, iPad and MacBook. The usual for me... I like to sleep with technology. He shared some songs with me and I laid and listened to them. Looked over my schedule and worked on a few things.. Made doctors appointments. I was lucky to be able to get in to my funk while I'm home, that's always a pleasure. But it has been a year and I need to get it done while I'm still on my parents insurance. 

I got up and went straight to the deck to lay out. Day number two on the porch, getting a tan. I sent gabriel a picture of my "my view"... Mostly my tan legs and the coastline. He liked it.. Complimenting my body.. It's such a pleasure to have that attention from him. I wonder why I am so interesting to him.

I spent a lot of time on the deck listening to djs on soundcloud and writing. Then I ate some lunch and got myself ready to bike to the clothing store. It was a nice ride... I'm not sure of biking to redondo in the evening, a lot more traffic. I came up with a creative outfit for the occasion. I absolutely love making up outfits that are weird and unusual. Orange ombré skirt that made it to the music video of andrew McMahon, striped tank I got in NYC and my teal cheetahish sleeveless button up from San Francisco. It was good, I took a photo and posted it on Bella Mia's Instagram. I helped her get dressed and accessoried her with Stella & dot. I did a quick display.. Hoping to maybe make a sale, but no luck. We sat around and drank water.. Had some fruit and a salad, then add wine and a few sales... We had a grilled cheese. The evening was spent talking out Tomas's nonsense and our future goals and plans. I am really falling in love with her.. We are on the same level, she complimented me and said that I was one of the reasons she was getting her passion back. She needs some one on her level, someone to push her harder. I think I can be that person in her life... She just needs an independent female to help her.. Support her, instead of take from her. She is the type that attracts those that just need and take and take. Oh course I talked to her about my infatuation with the idea of Gabriel... "I can take credit for this" she laughed. Then we looked over a journal entry that I wanted her to know about. How to be a ninja? That's all I had to google to get me on the right track... And now I am achieving these dreams. I've achieved almost half already and I only made the list in October. Funny how things like this work... We passed the time until eight and at the last minutes a few clients came in and bought two dresses. This was really exciting...  We closed the store and walked down to Terrance studios which is a new salon right down the street,  and I liked it as soon as we walked in. The patio area was cool.. Terrance was sitting out on the porch having a cig... It was dark. I looked around and could see that this place had great potential... Niya introduced us and before you know it... We were talking about how amazing the Outer Banks is.. He was there a few summers ago. We talked about how beautiful it is and I think he went to the Pit while he was there.. At least that is what it sounded like by the way he described the place. We sat out there and enjoyed the evening.

one.hundred.forty.

Tuesday 

I slept in later than I intended, but woke up just in time to check the yoga schedule and see that Darren was teaching today. I debating laying in bed, but this would be my last class with him for ever possibly... So I decided to get up and get ready. It only took me a few minutes and I was out the door. It was a beautiful sunny day out and I was thankful that I got out of bed for the day. As usual I was the only one who came to class.. And I realized I had forgotten my mat. Luckily they had mats I could borrow, I choose a thick brown mat ... When I unrolled it, to my surprise it had electric blue flowers on the bottom corner. I love the mat and thought about if I could buy it from the studio, but I let that thought pass. I talked to him about my shoulder and he said he had to skip last week because he was very sick. Seems we were both struggling a week ago. He decided to take it slow for the class.. Focusing on the movements and breath, paying close attention to each posture. His assistance is the next part. He pushes me to the next level, once it hurt so bad I had to give in.. But after that initial moment, I was able to push through the remainder of the class with out much pain. I knew that I could push my body hard, it needed it. The sweat was dripping down my face and I knew that I looked a mess as usual. It was a good class, I discover a few things about myself. He said that I had amazing control of my movements and breath. I was working really hard to focus, even with all the thoughts bouncing around in my head. We chatted after class and I reminded him that I would be leaving for a few weeks and it might be our last class. I thanked him... I told him that he was one of the only yoga teaches so far on this side of the country that really challenged me. I must say.. I really liked how when I was in twisting poses, he would have me push against him... And how he would massage my back while in certain poses. It was a nice touch.  

We said our good byes and I was off. The day had warmed up and my bike ride home was quick. I heated up the leftovers from the night before, since all of my food was gone. I spent some time catching up with clients from home. Answering emails and scheduling appointments. I also had a lot of laundry to catch up on and the washer is broken so you have to turn the nozzle for each time. I kept forgetting and letting the laundry just keep washing. I laid out on the deck for awhile to try and get some sun before I go home.. To all the pretty tan girls. I was able to relax for alittle while and get some more writing done. I texted gabriel and he sent me a picture of himself soaking wet from sweat.. About to shower. I was nervous and didn't click on the photo until later in the afternoon. He has a stellar body and it made me nervous. It was weird in a way.. A boy has never done that before, but he is a photographer.

It is market food day with my Ali cat and I walk to her house. Ian had just gotten home and Sydney was running around, freaking out. We drove to the market and made it quick, getting the usual fruit, avocados, granola, salsa and of course cake balls! Then off to ulta and whole foods. I love our shopping trips together.. Our time together in general. All day I had been contemplating texting gabriel to see if he could hang out... I debated just leaving it alone, but Ali advised me to just put it out there. I mean.. What do I have to lose. We like each other and our constant communication is important in the beginning. Ali and I were so distracted at whole foods.. Like we had lost motivation. I just stood in the produce section looking around, almost lost. I felt overwhelmed and hungry and I knew that I couldn't afford much food. I'm leaving in a week so I wanted to be cautious to not purchase too much. We made it out of there with the cheapest amount of groceries yet.. Only fifty dollars. The older gentleman checking us out complimented our selection of food "very healthy". He said that is why he chose to work there.

I went home and unpacked, ate a snack and did my usual night routine. I was tired and stared to think about packing and leaving... I spent some texting gabriel, not much... Just little things, then fell asleep with my laptop and all the lights on. 

one.hundred.thirty.nine.

I wake up to a text from alex at home... Miss you. It's the small moments that make me smile and knowing that first thing this morning... Or maybe even after a night of no sleep from the hound dog show at goombays... He was thinking of me.

I put this day off.. For a few days. So I'll leave out the boring details. 

I had two men's cuts that came in first thing, good timing. The first guy was good, but he told me horror stories about his past haircuts.. And he now understands now how to appreciate a good stylist. He reminded me of a few of the boys at home... The type that are good looking, go to NC state and know how to sail a boat. Our conversation was good.. And he liked his haircut. I was glad, the catch is... I'm leaving for a few weeks. The next guy caught me off guard and immediately complimented my "back to the future" t-shirt. Well... that is exactly where I am going. He laughed. I'm impressed he saw the shirt from under my black cutting apron. He was a character, a teacher of fiction writing, makes sense. He was really amused by London and I, said some clever things that I wish we would've written down immediately. But I didn't, instead I gave him a good haircut and some entertainment.

The rest of my day i wanted to leave it up to getting writing done. I talked with London some. I enjoy our new space together. He is trying to figure out what is next for his life... The end of The Loft is not the end of us, we must remember this. We agree to put his dreads back in, he wanted it done before I leave and im trying to not put things off this time, or I'll have to pass up on what I really want  to doing...

I sat out on the deck and was able to write. I keep putting my days off ... For days. Then I forget things... Have to re-live them in my head to remember. London came outside to read beside me.. But he couldn't, said it was a hammock nap kinda day.  When he went inside, I fell asleep sitting in the chair. It was hard on my neck, as it was hard to stay asleep comfortably.  I had a few moments to wake up and write some more before Shannon came outside to tell me that it was her last day. I could tell that something was bothering her.. She started crying and I hugged her. It's a hard move and when you have worked somewhere for a long amount of time it is always upsetting to leave. It's mainly the people that you miss. It's never the job... But I think the change will be good for her. She needs a change and the negativity at the salon can finally subside. 

I came inside for a minute to see what was going on.. Not much. I went back out to the porch for hours to finish my work. It took hours, but I was finally caught up. Just in time for my late night color client. It caught me off guard because I didn't realize I was going to be doing a color. I did it the hard way too... I could've cut out an hour of time.. But I went the long way this time. I'll see if the color holds up. She had just moved to Cali over a year ago from Puerto Rico. It was fun that we were able to connect on that level first thing. She was highly amused by me.. And we had similar boy stories. I'm assuming that she is in her early thirties... She surfs and is beautiful. She is a also friends the trumpet player from SOJA ----

So here we go... I'm going to finish this day. It gets late fast, but it is nice the sun doesn't set until around nine o'clock. London waits until I was done and we walk to cafe neo. It was such a lovely evening... Everyone was sitting outside. I wanted to be out doors too..we sat down at a nice spot by the wall. I was really thankful for this meal. We are so funny and bizarre together.. You would think we were a married couple that had been together for years. I looked through all the choices.. And went with chicken, spinach, feta and vegetables. It was good, sort of bland... But that is how Mediterranean food is prepared. Adding just a little bit of salt and pepper makes a big difference. Our waiter was taking a long time to help us... We get restless sitting still too long. I was getting anxious because of how late it was getting and I had so much work to do. I had been thinking about Gabriel all day... Just simple day dreams. I checked my phone while London was getting the check. I was so excited to see his comment... Art and drinking night... I want to be there with him. I like to day dream about our time together working on art projects. I blushed and text him a few things.. 

London and I began his dreading process around eleven o'clock... Listening to jazz beats and looking at fashion that I had tagged on Pinterest and saved on my iPad. He liked the stuff, I've been working hard at getting ideas together and finding things that are timeless that we could one day create. He flipped through the rest of my photos and I could see that he was intrigued. He stopped to read a message that Harry had sent me, I took a picture of it because I was so excited I guess I wanted to save that moment. Then he flipped too far and stumbled upon a picture of me naked... Just my back. I was taking pictures with my iPad of a hairstyle that I liked. He laughed and turned it off... "You have a very nice body mama". I giggled. I was on a good movement through his hair, I finished up around two in the morning. After a lot of tea and just a few minutes of break to rest my cuticles.. He was dozing off into sleep. I wasn't that happy with the outcome this time.. I felt too tired to be as picky. I hope he liked how I did it, hairstylist are so very critical of each others work.

I texted Gabriel that my fingers hurt... Actually my entire body was achy. He said really nice things to me.. One day I will have him run me and bath and rub my feet. I biked home pretty quickly and then needed to wind down for a bit before falling asleep. I stayed up texting him, our constant chatter. I could get used to this.