one.hundred.sixteen.

i woke up to niya yelling. "its (9:45!) well this was a problem for the morning, considering we were in LA and i needed to be at work in  Long Beach. 

 i think i laughed the whole way. i was still too drunk to comprehend how this day was about to go… i put my shoes on and we managed to make it back before 10:30

then apparently the night went as followed…. i kissed gabriel.

then niya slept with him

it was supposed to be me.

but the crazy moment was when i don't remember anything. 

usually on "these" nights i can usually recall something…

a feeling. a moment…

but i go nothing. 

its as if nothing really happened at all.

but this kid started to get under my skin.

i didn't get to brush my teeth or wash my face… i was wearing the same outfit from the night before. i know i looked a little off….i indeed needed something to eat. jacks bacon egg and cheese biscuit was a good choice. i pulled together two chairs on the back deck and slept for awhile. it was all i could do…. was to sleep.

i woke up hot and unconomfrtalbe. the sun had moved and i managed to get a sun tan line that stayed on my stomach. 

i tried to sleep some more but i was over it. claudia just happened to have some watermelon, and i walked over to niya's to see her.

she is upset and panicking about the night before…. but i am thankful. in more ways than one. i am thankful that it wasn't me. i needed it not to be me… 

i needed the innocnence to last as long as possible. I'm even thankful that i don't remember kissing him. the mystery of my "lost kiss" drives me wild.

i went back to the salon for a late afternoon color. i wasn't sure at first what i was getting myself into… but jocelyn turned out to be such a blessing of a clinet. she wanted a complete change of style… a ombre and side shaved variation of a style .i used the inspiration of a deep sun set to create the movement and flow… from red to a lovely blonde, i think i did a good job on her hair. 

she works for a zen spa and i am interested in this "concept" becoming involved in this "movement" might be good for me,but as i said to her… i don't want to open doors that i can't shut.

it is a interesting thing to know more than you are supposed to.

do i really even know something?

I'm a bit dramatic.

the day continues and we both get off work… she gives me a ride home and we discuss more of the night passed… he wants me to have his number… but instead i make her give him mine… because i don't want to make the first move. 

we text for some time and establish that neither of us remember our very first kiss. how did it happen? i wish i could recall just the tiniest of detail. did i get really close to his face first… what did he taste like? all these i want to know.. i do not like it at all when i don't remember my own shenanigans.

the house party at my place was nice.. lots of boys together to play cards.

i enjoy seeing rex and talking with him. he is such a character and i start to use my advantages to his interest and we talk all night. sitting on the back porch and watching the moon be bright and still. i just don't know what to do…

but the card game we played for "horrible people" was comical. i was thankful that ali came over to see him and break up the crowd of men.

strange things… i enjoyed sitting in a circle surrounded by men/

i actually loved that feeling and hope that i am able to feel it again…

i went to bed and slept well… i was tired. 

one.hundred.fifteen.

friday morning and i am able to get up and make it to work on time. 

the day is sunny… and so quiet. 

I'm waiting too late to write about it. i guess you could say that i am losing that spark that gets you through.. losing "hope" just a tad.

i spent some time hanging out with niya at the store and learned how to ring up the clothes. we had a coffee drink and back to work. i had a client, but i don't remember who… or what. it doesn't really matter. i got out of there before the sun went down and came home to lay in bed for a moment and write. i have a lot of catching up to do in the writing department. 

choosing my outfit was difficult, normally i know exactly what to wear… but the evening was kinda "up in the air" … i put on my parrot pants and black leotard… but the outfit was too tight and i was over it anyway because i had already worn it months ago to a coat hangers concert in D.C. so i decided to go with the short little mini blue sweater.  i had to ask oliver and andrew and it was funny because andrew came into my room to help me get dressed " you need something looser up top".. this is what i decided on and then niya was here. she was having a hard time as well deciding what to wear and i wish that i had been with her to help her decide. she is having a hard time and is emotional and upset.. both of us are having social anxiety and here we are… going to downtown LA.

it's a nice ride, not too much traffic. the moon is full and bright… we get to gabe's house and i see the palm trees lining the street through the refection of the moon. i haven't really seen a sight like this before and and houses are adorable, little cottages all with different colors and styles. it takes us a moment to find the house….

when i first saw gabriel i had mixed emotions. he first reminded me of alex…. the way his hair was tilted over the side. the look in his eyes was familiar but mysterious. he was wearing an amazing outfit and all of it complimented the strange sense of style that he had captured perfectly. 

the house was adorable, he owns it with his sister. the place is slightly a mess… it's because his sister has a kid, niya and i are like children and decided to play on the floor for a minute and in the "circus" tent that has just enough room for us inside. 

we explore around for just a minute … take shots of tequila and then the cab has arrived. 

into LA we go.

the first place is beautiful and i think i manifested it in my mind. it was so beautiful… the bar was made of thick engraved stone… the music was good, atmosphere was lovely… i had a stunning whiskey drink made of woodford reserve, maple syrup, lemon and orange bitters… i like the square ice cub.

chirsitna knew the owner and had dersert delivered to us… she is an adorable little petit girl wearing glitter sorts and ridiculous silver heels. 

our next stop is a roof top bar just a little ways down the street. i believe they had a dress code and i did not meet it. the girl at the door was funny… "funky girl" she called me… i think that was an insult.

the bar was perfect for the view of the city and the moon. i stood on the edge and looked over. i guess you could say that I'm a bit obvious. christina said she loved my pants and asked where she could get them… "what brand are they"? insight… and i doubt you can find them anywhere. it's just one of those things… we took shots after a few more whiskey drinks… then back to the house.

gabriel showed us his garage studio and we began to talk about his art work. this is where things start to leave me … of cousre i decided to have some more tequila… you can't just leave the bottle in front of me… what i really needed was a glass of water. but i remember the details well but nothing at all. 

i remember talking about photography and an art project he was working on. the talking went on for awhile and it escalated to me telling him about my breast reduction…. and lingere i think we agreed to work together at some point… the last thing i see in my memory is looking at him from across the table right into his eyes…. and his eyebrow raised up. i guess it was a look…… I've seen this "look" before.