one.hundred.forty.eight.

7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." matthew 7:7-8

my favorite day.

i woke up in the brass bed… my favorite bed. i remember this bed from my childhood, it was in my mimi's house. the blue paneled walls and the dark wood trim will forever be instilled in my memory. i am so blessed that i lived in a childhood of luxury. surrounded by antiques and mystery that my grandparents loved… me.

i was able to lay in bed and write for awhile. the white sheets and cream walls are like heaven… my mom sat in the room and put her make.up on…

what a beautiful morning. i did manage to stay still long enough to put together the day before. I'm having a really difficult time keeping up and writing. i have skipped another two days from the past… that i don't think i'll even remember enough now to write about… and this day almost seems too good to even be able to capture with words. if i died… today would be what heaven is like. 

mother and i went to town so i could get coffee from muddy's and so i could put some money in the bank. she had a few errands to run. we picked up dads bike from the bike shop where ashton bought our bikes. it was like a walk down memory lane… its funny how many people you see in just a few minutes of being in elizabeth city. 

all the hard work just seems worth it now to come back to this…

my ride to the beach was pretty amazing. just to sit in my 4runner and drive by myself is a blessing. i haven't driven a car in four months… and i haven't ridden in a car without another person either. i turned up the radio and sang all the way to beach. i like to drive fast and sing loud… there wasn't much traffic and i felt like i got to the bridge in record time. i listened to my favorite songs and i couldn't stop screaming with excitement. my hands clenched with each thought of how much i love being home. just the thought of everything is so wonderful. 

i got to the beach cottage and noticed just a few changes. lindsey and leanne's stuff is scattered about and it gives me a sense of nostalgia. its a comfort from childhood to be with this girls. i got ready and fixed my hair … and got myself looking like how i like to look. i ate some watermelon and out the door to micelles. i couldn't believe that i was actually going to see lindsey. i ran up the stairs and there she was… making brownies. this skinny little girl… with tousled blond hair… and her tan. we started to scream and she hugged me… i started shaking and felt like i could cry. its like i never left.. she held my face in her hands and we laughed. "here i am!" michelle was taking a phone call and stepped outside because we were being so loud. it was hard to focus to catch up… so i just grabbed a beer and stepped right back into my life. we have plenty of time to catch up over the next few weeks. i love it. 

i was able to meet her boyfriend from costa rica… it was his birthday today and she was getting ready for a picnic with him. they left and that gave michelle and i time to catch up alone. wow i've missed this girl. she needed a haircut… bad and i was thankful that she waited for me. her hair is so thick and crazy …. i took me awhile to get it how i wanted it and by the end we were both covered in her hair. i liked what i had to work with this time. the ends were bleached blonde and i took one side up short. she said she felt like she had lost a small animal…. her friend nadia came over and we sat on the couch and talked while shell showered off.. then we headed to the pier. i felt like this took forever… the beach road was crowded with tourist… all the houses and restaurants were full, you can tell that it is peak season. i am so blessed that i can come during this time. i was beyond estactic to just get there… oh my gosh. i couldn't contain it anymore and just as we were pulling in my sister lindsey called. we talked for a minute as i walked up the stairs. i could hear harry's voice singing to the amused tourist. they have no idea what talent they have stumbled upon. tupper noticed me first and smiled… then harry could feel it, he turned around and i felt like it took him just a minute… then he smiled. the smile was priceless and i know my face lit up too. i tried to be calm and just walk over to the bar… shell got me terrapin beers all night while i mingled around and caught up with everyone. it seemed like everyone was here… its so cool that i can just hang out with my best friends all in one place… this beautiful pier watching the sunset over the ocean while i listen to my friends play their music. it was like a step back in time to a more innocent place. susie and jess surprised me and i screamed some more… they were really happy to see me… it has almost been  a year. they are such beautiful creatures. i couldn't help but look at harry in amazement, he was able to get his dr. seuss guitar fixed and he looked like a sweaty mess… just like before. it was funny.. one of the girls said.. "harry looks so cute, he has like three new shirts for the summer". oh how i love this boy. when their first set ended i could see him making his way over to me… i started to get antsy and was talking to a client from divas when he came up behind me and put his arm around me. we got face to face and i felt like the world stopped moving. i could look into his eyes and see his porcelain skin… time has aged him. he never looks the same… to me. but he looks different while he is performing. his voice is low and handsome… but calm. i wish i could remember every word but i think that i was too excited and just starred at him for awhile. "thank you for the letters… you really have a nack for that… it was a really cool idea". i wish that he would've written one back, but he claimed that he didn't have anything to write about… it was more of a one sided conversation, but he did face book message me a long spill… so that was good. i like having his hand on my waist, we chatted for a few minutes.. nothing too serious and he had to go tune his guitar. everyone i think was watching us… friends and tourist alike. it was really romantic i suppose. the longest eight months… this hard journey that i went on… i felt like he knew me and i knew him just for the simple moment. it was all worth it. 

the second set was good… the sun started to set and i was getting a little more… excited. we started to dance around and jess and susie and i went for a walk to the end of the pier. it was really windy and our hair was blowing everywhere. i talked to jess about how life is dating tupper, i think that they are amazing together and we talked about how busy they are this summer. sometimes we are so busy that it takes a minute to step back and enjoy the scenery… and how much we are in love with our lives. 

to see these girls faces… this is why i am the way i am… i am loved.

i can feel the love more than ever as everyone is happy and giddy for my arrival. its like the party is meant for me this evening and i get to hear my man sing me songs that jog my memory from the pass. you could've never told me that years ago i would be in the moment… i wouldn't believe you. katie (joey's sister) showed up late and i gave her a hug, we laughed a bit and chatted… it was her birthday just a few days ago… oh 23, how that was a good year for me. i think i hugged and talked to everyone in my past all in one night. wow. but the fairytale did have to end and it seemed like everyone was going to have an early night, makes sense… everyone is working really hard this summer. i waited until the end and caught harry just as he was leaving. he talked about how he wasn't feeling well and that he had the whole weekend off. we joked a minute and i poked him about not taking his vitamins… then he hugged me and his hand slid down my arm was we grabbed hands… i have held his hand in the past and i know this feeling. i tried to be sly and walk off… letting our hands slide apart just as easily as they slid together as i walked off and laughed. i think they view (if he turned around to see) was a good one of my dress and hair trailing down my back… as i walked away. i felt sick and excited as i got in shells 4runner. nadia and her laughed at me… and shell said "i think he might actually like you. i haven't seen him look at someone the way he did you… he kept his eyes on you the whole time as he was trying to walk over and see you…" this comment made my night. 

the ride home was quicker and i had to pee so bad. the excitement and anxiety was piling up and i ran into her house to pee… lindsey was peeing and she hurried into her room.. she had other business to take care of. shell and i had a snack that she got at 7-eleven and we sat on the couch a minute to talk so i could sober up. we talked about harry just a little bit more as she began to reassure me that harry does have something for me. i reminded her of what she said months back while we were in long beach… about harry would never date me. "i don't know now… the way he looked at you…" we shall see. there is no need to get my hopes up.

it is impressive what i have accomplished the last seven months in his absence. he keeps me going for some reason. i am so inspired by this little boy that i can't contain it. he wouldn't be so into me if i hadn't done that for myself. he wouldn't be interested if i was just living at the beach or the summer. it took me giving up everything and writing my heart out on paper to the boy to make him look my way… and if that is what it takes…

i don't want to get my hopes up but… i am looking forward to my future here. i am going to fall in love even more i think.

i got home and hugged lindsey. it is her birthday too… we couahgt up a minute and she could tell that i was excited. i showed her the journal that i had made for harry… by another boy. its comical i know. her friend daniel was over and they were about to watch a movie once leanne got home. it was good to see these girls and hear their simple laughter. i had to go to sleep… after writing in my journal. i didn't know what else to do to help me stop dreaming and thinking about the night. i didn't want it to end… but it has to move on. you only get minutes and then they disappear. it feels so nice to settle into the california king that i feel in love in… with…. all of it. it just holds me in and keeps me safe.

i had crazy dreams of the boys from long beach. i was at some event and everyone was dressed up. harry was there and in a red and white striped shirt.. like waldo. but i couldn't find him anywhere… i would see a glimpse then he would disappear. i remember breaking my iPhone and it was all shattered, i started to cry because i knew that i couldn't afford to replace it. oliver and andrews were there and oliver gave me the biggest hug and said… don't worry about it, its just a thing, we can get you a new one. i remember feeling so much love towards these boys… i saw them siting with harry at one point and they came over to tell me what an amazing human he was. i just don't recall all the details… 

one.hundred.forty.seven.

i woke up early but surprisingly i just laid in bed when the alarm went off at five fifteen in the morning. i assumed that i would be more eager to get out of bed… considering i would be home in twelve hours. i gathered my things and did last minute packing… i only managed to forget a few things that i suppose aren't that important anyway.  i texted ali and she picked me up about ten minutes before six. my luggage was too heavy… and i was already worried that i was going to be late.

traffic wasn't that bad and i had packed snacks to eat along the way. i knew that i didn't want to spend any money or eat at the airport…i am on a very strict diet. once we arrived it was pure chaos at the airport… its usually like this at LAX, just too many people trying to get somewhere fast. it started immediately when i was trying to make my way into the door and there were so many people and no one cared to move… the attitudes of the employee that wouldn't get out of my way… i guess i was in her way too. lots of rude people… the lines were long and i spent most of the time looking around at what everyone was doing and wearing. there were a lot of pretty girls in line, that comes with the territory for LA. i could tell that many of the people were going on vacation… families with their little children. i can't imagine traveling with children right now… i can't even imagine having them… much less traveling with them.

when i got to the first kiosk the lady informed me that i my bag was five pounds overweight and i would have to pay  $75 dollars… i got so upset. "NO EXCEPTIONS" she yelled. "where would that money come from?" i kept running over in my head… and i started to cry. luckily i did have some spare money set aside for gas and i just had to use that. the entire thing upset me so much… i was just silly and should've packed more efficiently. lesson learned. after some dramatic tears i made it to security which was also chaos… luckily i have this system down and made it through just fine.  everything went really quickly, i hardly had time to sit still and pray before boarding the plane. i managed to get a good window seat and quickly wrapped myself up in a blanket and fell asleep. every so many hours i would look out the window, but i was too tired to really care that i was flying over the entire country. i was just ready to be home. since i hardly slept… only like 3 or 4 hours that night before. we landed in atlanta and you could feel the humidity immediately.  the clouds while we were landing were really cool… lots of storm clouds and there were sections of clouds that piled up, thats where the thunderstorms were taking place.

we landed early but ended up getting things mixed up at the gate and sat on the runway for awhile… i really had to use the bathroom so as soon as i got off i headed towards the women's room. while i was sitting in there i checked my boarding flight for the next flight… oh shit. i had only five minutes, they may have already closed the gates. i started to sweat and gathered my things and took off running. i was a mess running through all the people and i heard them paging me from the gate… "tehra burton…." i made it just in time and she closed the gate. i was out of breath and the flight attendant laughed… "we saved the best for last". i was so thankful that i made it, because i am so close to home that i can almost smell it… i can feel it for sure.  the flight to norfolk was only an hour long and i managed to be able to sleep for most of it. i sat beside this adorable older couple that read their kindles and talked really nice to each other. the landing was a little shaky into norfolk, we had to go through some thunder cells… and then i was home. the comfort of norfolk airport is nice… its always calm and the people are nice. i met mom outside and she looked so pretty dressed in her bright colored dress! wow… i have missed her. she is such a beautiful person and she made sure to let me know that i was missed and she was so glad that i was home. "you look good honey… your skin looks good". thats what i worry about, aging myself by living this life in LA. 

we had dinner at our usual spot in greenbrier and then ran some errands at the mall. i needed to return some things to ULTA and then see if sephora had the sea salt spray that i was looking for.. but they did not. i guess I'm going to the sea salt so I can live without it for a while. the evening was so nice, the car ride back was relaxing. driving through the dark country roads… no cars. we talked a lot about what my life is like on the west side…then we got home and had to go pick up dads truck from charlie's. this was the first time i had driven a car in over four months.. its a good feeling. especially when the roads you are driving are long, dark and windy… lined with tall stalks of corn. the good ol'country roads of the past… boy i miss them.

i hung out with the cats and tessa was all distraught because she didn't remember me.. i laid with annie in the brass bed and spent some time writing. i was really tired and slept well while cuddling with a cat. this is the life.  

traveling faster than time today. things are not as they seem... its a matter of hurrying towards stillness. the chaos of the crowds and self absorbed society... all the way across the country. 

thoughts of them.. all the music, all the talent... all the boys. from coast to coast; they hold me down.

i am in love.

i am in love with my life..

the light that shines down

below...

i am in love with LA.

once you are out... you realize what's in. now that i am gone, i can see what i have. everything i need. 

pay the tolls and try and smile. it's just money... what a waste. i hate to waste.. but i've done it my entire life. more will always come... so i let this one slide. 

in a time when you can cross the country in just a few hours... i take advantage of the skies. the miles i have traveled... the journey i am on, i get to land on my island soon. 

it's time to see my main man. eight months later...  

one.hundred.forty.six.

monday at the salon… my last day.

one.hundred.forty.five.

another two days lost in the abyss of my memory. i was trudging through these days too fast and hard trying to get home. i know that i worked a lot. the rest i guess wasn't worth remembering… or writing about.