eighty.

you can't keep doing things the same and expect the results to be different.

i have to stop and give myself credit sometimes. i did just accomplish a lot, and now I'm stuck in a place of where i was going… and where i am going. its a hard spot because now i have to focus on something new, something different. i actually have to live, think and love… differently . it can not be the same anymore.

i don't know now. i have not a clue of this … where this is going, so I'm going to have to imagine a few things… 

i just want to be more. i want to love. i want to live more. i want to be more.

this morning was nice, i was able to get up and almost be on time. i just have a hard time and push everything down to the last minute. i need to allow more time for myself to get up and just … have time to get ready. changing things, just the small things… are the hardest. 

i can't force anything right now. the best that i can do is relax and try and not become lazy. i feel very blah right now. i feel very shy and also lackluster. but that is to be expected as well. 

i can't just give in yet. its all too close to being real life. i can't be the weak link… you just can't stop.

not with the music, it's just so damn good. why can't i make this happen? i can. one day.. one step at a time. 

it was a day of planned appointments that no one showed up for. it was to teach me that i have to be patient. again and again… then i scheduled a client from a text, a guy that is growing on me… that made me feel like i'd been here awhile. a good client, I'm starting to collect them.

you just have to give it a chance. the rest of my clients were weird, and kinda… just off a bit. i don't know why it worked out the way it did, but that's what happened. i stayed there for nine hours, that was enough. i just didn't know what to do… but the last few haircuts were necessary. i biked home quick and sarah met me there for dinner, she picked up steam, it was good. then we sat outside on the deck and had tea for a few hours. the temperature is rather perfect and i just wanted to talk. so did she… we talk well. figuring things out and talking each other "off the cliff". we are bizarre creatures. i can see why our "webs" crossed… but I'm not sure what is about to happen. its rather eerie, dare i say it.. I'm not sure what I'm about to give away. i think that i have put myself out there too much. what good does it do me? none. it hurts me. when people get under my skin it hurts so bad that i just want to attack them. i am so pissed and frustrated that another human could literally possess my thoughts… actions… everything about me. 

that is why i am so violent. i am tough because i want to prove that i am broken and will not be taken advantage of.

i know that i am supposed to be in this moment here. in such a foreign place that the simplicity of nothing seems ample enough for now. 

london said… "you are dyslexic, that is how i know you are an artist." i never say and write the same thing… 

seventy.nine.

i woke up in a panic because i could feel blood running down my back, of course i had made a mess everywhere and had to quickly get up and scrub everything with soap and hot water. it was around seven thirty by the time i was done cleaning up… and i laid back down to sleep that last hour. i felt tired and gross, it was hard to wake up, as it is every morning now.

at least today I'm having a good hair day, that makes it all a little bit more exciting. the day is so windy, my ride to work was so much work… on top of already feeling exhausted. i got there right at ten, i can't seem to get this quarter til things solved yet. i wore a beautiful dress to work, a silk/polyester blend that feels more like a house dress. i would've worn this dress to kait's wedding, which happened today. a lot of our friends were in town to visit, I'm sure they had an amazing time together. i was really bummed about not getting that flight home for the week. it would've been nice to just see everyone and relax with friends to celebrate two lovely people finally taking time out to get married. i voiced my frustration to london, he said i didn't' have time to be going back and forth. i received a lot of compliments on my dress throughout the day… i didn't do much hair. just wandered around, drank tea… talked to ryan on the phone, texted a few people and looked at pictures. my blog had a few readers for the day, that made me happy… my newest post is about tenneessee and how that is what our world shall return to.. i was stuck on basement fox's instagram, showed london… he made me realize how creepy the whole thing is. still doesn't change that it is how my imagination sees things. i had one client, a shampoo blow-dry. she was nice older woman who had a dinner date later that night. the rest of the afternoon consisted of all of us sitting around and talking about stupid nonsense. i really felt that i had wasted my day, i should've planned things better and not even been here. i should be back at home. this attitude carried on through my bike ride. this wind was blowing against me so much that i felt like i needed to just give up and walk my bike home. this is how i felt about everything. just packing my bags and going home. saying that i gave it everything i had, i gave it an honest chance… maybe california just isn't for me. my dinner was bland, i just ate a mixture of snacks and things that i had… I'm worried about my weight and how "soft" i am becoming. i'm wishing for everything i once had… when in reality, none of it exsist anymore. my room mates are comforting, but i can sense the hostility in their voice… they are also feeling restless, as we must all be feeling this time of year. 

the rest of the evening was better. i listened to the piano guys on youtube, turned the volume up and watched their most beautiful performances… over and over. i spent some time sketching a few ideas, none of them really turning out like i planned. i tried to be patient but to move on once i wasnt satisfied. the last sketch was good, a girls face that i was mimicking from another drawing… she was the most real and taught me how to do eyes, focusing on the light and the dark. ian cooked dinner for him, daniel and their friend danny… we all got high on the porch. danny almost threw up from coughing, haven't seen that in a while… i spend the rest of the night working on detail… the boys feel asleep watching hot rod. i wasn't pleased with anything… my stomach acid is all messed up and i just felt like sleeping. wrote a blog post, then fell asleep.

seventy.eight.

things have to speed up soon. i need a reality shift, something to make things more… a reason to wake up. i need a push of innovation and creation… of more excitement than i can see now.

i slept in until an unreasonable hour this afternoon, i just don't see a reason to pull myself out of my comfortable dark room. but I'm just being still and non productive, i can't even remember my dreams. i don't feel up to doing yoga, its very windy out and i feel… sick. its mainly in my mind that i would feel sooo…. antisocial. i am so bored. i have to write again, since i keep putting it off, until later. boring. i eat quickly and try and stay out of rosiaros way while she cleans. i decided to go to ali's' and hang out with syd while i sat on the porch in the sun… to soak up some light. there is no need to be a vampire all the time. i feel that i need more movement in my hips. i am beginning to feel the settling here. i move slower and everything is sore and stiff, not a pleasant feeling. i guess this is getting old. i have a few sights in my head for drawing. i feel antsy and frustrated. mainly frustrated and angry that what i saw in my head, i couldn't transfer on paper. instead i got a tangled mess. of big lights and a spider on the table. i liked my detail, but it didn't take me long and the soundtrack was perfect. funky jazz music, the wind was crazy out, blowing sand everywhere. i sat out here for hours and drew… worked on the lines… made tea, until ali got home. 

we hung out on the porch awhile, then we walked to cafe ambrosia and had snacks or shall i say… dinner, with syd on the patio. i do enjoy this place, like we are tucked away in our own secret garden. the bloody mary's and cake… lots of good food. too much money for what its worth, but you just have to every once in awhile. this was our treat, so we could sit together and talk about having kids one day and how society puts together this life time line, that we feel like we have to follow… while really we have it all wrong. i know we do… else i wouldn't feel this way.

then we hang out and get high… drinking and painting. i painted a rose… I'm not sure where it came from.. maybe because i sketched ali's wedding bouquet earlier, but i wrote a poem that fit perfectly along the side. my walk back to my place was confusing, i still can't believe that this is my life sometimes. its all very surreal. i come home… to wash my face and eat too much. i just need some art form… a photographer to come into my life… and take the most bizarre pictures, using me as a muse… as an art form. this is what i ask for. 

lord. please keep me going strong… interested in the present tense.

seventy.seven.

the morning slips by me, i sleep right through it… but i can't decide what realm to play in, so i continue sleeping. all the way until noon. i spend time writing… but i learn that the next morning is too long away from the past day… i forget too many details waiting that long, but sometimes its nice to see it from a different perspective. the writing took hours and i am a bit bored and feel undisciplined. i spend some time straightening up, doing laundry…which i find to be very relaxing right now. ali and i make plans to go to the market when she gets off work, then ian wants to go to the grocery store. i make myself some breakfast, coffee and sit on the porch. the wind is crazy today… blowing sand everywhere. i get ready and its already time to go… the market is wild because the wind is so rough… tents and tables blowing around. i pick up my dress from edwin that he altered, what a character, i really like him. then we get our fruits and veggies and of course cake balls! off to vons for grocery shopping. i enjoyed going as a group, always enjoy going with ali. i get a mocha coffee for the shopping experience. she comments on how patient they are with us, honestly they are always patient with me… they must like me a lot. i am very thankful for my room mates. i go home to unpack and get ready for yoga class. i am slightly anxious about the class, its a late night hot class and i just started my "girl" week… its gonna be a tough one. ali feels like she ate too much for this class, but we follow through with our plan anyway. it is so hot in the room and the class is packed, but i am ready for the challenge. the teacher, siri, has an amazing calming voice, one that makes it feel ok… to push yourself even through the heat… she also instills patience and solitude, to pay attention to yourself as you practice. i don't normally sweat this much, but it felt good to get all the toxins out… the thick beads of sweat dripping from my body. i feel exhausted and almost euphoric after the class… i think i am beginning to be happy living here, for just one small second of the day… four hundred and twenty five days left… and i feel like that might not be enough time to get things done. i have so much i need to do… but I'm dragging my feet and stopping myself from excelling forward. i am my own enemy.

i came home and snacked, actually i snacked all night… i couldn't help it, i felt hungry, even though i know that it was just because I'm… 

i got caught up on instagram and found this guy…@basementfox. his photos are unreal, amazing and capture my imagination exactly. that is how i imagine my life… fox fur and victorian furniture in the desert… i had to look at each photo, to see more and more of him, you can see how he has evolved over time. one hundred and fourteen weeks ago he started… i feel good because i was only nine weeks behind him. instagram changed my life. i had to comment and let him know how much his portfolio inspired me… now i follow him, and i hope one day, maybe he will photograph me. 

seventy.six.

it was a struggle to wake up this morning. it was cold and cloudy out… this monday is my friday and i am absolutely exhausted.  i managed to make my day more exciting by creating clothes to match. I'm in love with my "sneaker shoes" and crazy pattern black and white leggings, big baggy green free people sweater… oh and my black sunglass tank. both pieces from shows.. if only i could go to them more… but i enjoyed the reminder. running late because i got distracted and i had to run back inside to grab a plastic bag for my bicycle. the seat was wet from the rain… cloudy day outside, but it was a reminder as well. the ride was quick, i knew i  was late. i like mondays, i like the people that aren't there, its very quiet. trish and london, everyone else called out. I'm excited that i have a client at ten thirty… i hurry and eat, make tea and straighten up. she changes to eleven thirty, even better… now i can chat. sitting downstairs with london and trish… i have a bit of word vomit. "this place i holding us back"… he couldn't believe i just said that … i  couldn't help it, its not true really. this place is what so quickly created me… but the attitude of the current state of the salon is exhausting, i suppose its what i miss. i don't want to leave it, i want to see how it all pans out. 

meggie is her name, she is a beautiful girl with curly hair. i know this type of hair, and throughout the appointment, i really enjoyed her company. she is a yogi… and an art therapist. these are the people that will help this world become a better place, i want to help them as much as possible. 

the day continued on and i have another walk in… after summer got there. she is dressed adorable, i like her happy energy… the client wants the side of her head shaved, like Rihanna. she is s stunning girl, going to school for fashion design. how cool… i do my best with the cut, but i don't think my clippers are high enough quality and that is why my cuts are just bit off. i adore shannons cutting style with mens cuts. but the girl is happy.. i do laundry and read on the internet about blog carnivals… submit a few entries. maybe too many.. but i wasn't sure how easy it would be to get one up there. I'm scheduled another client, but she never shows up. its ok, I'm so tired anyway. london and i decide to have dinner together, glen is out of town. our walk home was nice, walking makes you notice and enjoy nature even more than biking. we took our time and stopped and smelled the roses… all the flowers. the road of obispo is like a secret garden, starts to make me think about mimi. the trumpet tree was one of my favorites as well. grocery shopping was nice, i realize that i need to slow down a bit and just take my time. everything is better that way. i just can't stay still very long unless i am creating. if I'm not creating… then I'm bored and antsy and can only use my brain to entertain me. so i sat in the kitchen and watched london cook. we listened to jazz and he showed me how to make an amazing meal. it was so delisous… cooking is really an art. we had a show of the meditarraen. cucumber, red onion, tomato salad with olive oil and balsamic vinegarette… parsley salad and chicken. the dipping sauce… olive oil and lemon was good… oh! and he made his own hummus… then we spent time talking after dinner with coffee and cookies. it was perfect really, and better than any date i could ever go on ever… i see now why i don't get to date.. because its horrible and awkward and just not my thing…of course every man wants to take me home, I'm slightly ridiculous. that is why he carefully places them in front of me… those moments you could never plan are the ones that… mean everything. 

we laughed about my childhood and grandmother. it was fun to tell him some of the stories… about how out of control i was as a kid, making up things to tell my sisters to get them in trouble, and how important mimi and papa were in my upbringing. i think that is the one major differences with my sisters and i. then we moved on to look at a desk that london offered to let me long-term borrow… an adorable sewing machine table from the 1960s. it is absolutely wonderful.. and charming. this will make a great sewing station and writing desk… all that i need for my space to become more complete. he offers me an antique single bed frame that is amazing… i just can't believe that i would sleep well in a bed like that… especially not with someone else. i think i'll keep my air matteras, i really like it actually. its easy to move around… i enjoy time in his laboratory.. but it needs to me redone before i can work in there. i understand controlled chaos… i just need more space. taking this desk away will help. then we spent time siting on the couch looking at ali's wedding photos… they are so beautiful, and odd. she captured an era that is long gone, long past… and i see now that the beauty is over… but she has it forever in her wedding photos. i was thankful to be a part of it and londons beautiful head pieces made the shoot so authentic. it was nice to take the time to just sit and look, loraine sat in-between us… it was cute, reminded me of ashton and marley… it was just a day of the past huh. 

i biked home quickly, i could feel the achey bones… it was hard to pedal fast… but since it was so late and quiet and dark… i tried to get home as fast as i could. the day wore me out… it was a good one. i fell asleep listening to jazz and reading a blog about what it takes to become a doctor. 

the one remark i forgot to comment on… london brought up the fact that he was jealous in how quickly i have excelled here… i already had my work in a short fim, i've done photoshoots in la and wedding shoots…  but it just confirmed that i was going to succeed. he wanted to know if i wanted to "share the burden". i suppose so…i definitely can't do any of it alone. 

seventy.five.

i woke up with a call from ali, she was at the front gate and needed the code. it was really early and i couldn't get up much earlier than seven. my body felt heavy and tired, i immediately was thinking about going back to sleep right after i woke up. 

she was still upset and in shock from the girl who originally said she would take the photos… cancelled. it was really brave and rude of her to cancel something like this, the night before! luckily her neighbor is also a photographer, an actual professional, experienced one, and lusia loves ali and ian and syd more than anything.. so she volunteered to help her out. i was excited for her undo, it was something that i had been thinking about, a little nervous… but i know ali best of all and i knew the look we were going for. i made us coffeee and then got to curling. it took awhile and two different curling irons… but i made it work. it turned out beautiful… should've  taken a few more photos…. she went home to do her make.up and i tried to play catchup with my writing from the night before, but i couldn't focus enough and ended up having to stop and get ready. i walked to ali's and we scrambled around with finishing touches. it was so cute, it really felt like their wedding day. i started taking pictures immediately… somehitng about the permanence of photos… its a once in a lifetime thing that she would get dressed up this beautiful. ian said later in the day that he teared up a few times.

we all headed over to the queen mary, ali somehow got dirt on her white dress immediately.  we got our tickets and boarded the ship. it was built in the late twenties for english royalty.. beautiful boat… so old, with character beyond belief. we spent a lot of time wandering around and shooting at different spots. it was an overcast sunday morning which was perfect because hardly anyone what there. i was really happy to be a part of this production. honestly… photoshoots are my favorite type of work. the photos are going to turn out to be amazing, better than she could ever imagine… ian seemed like he had a good time too. she was absolutely stunning. "they just don't make them like they used to…" is ian's motto for the shoot. it was cool all the detail that went into planning this and how it all came together perfectly to capture ali in her most favorite atomsophoere. old world vicotrian gothic beauty. we used london's head pieces… i wish i would of taken a few of them off and only had her natural hair… but they added to the theme really well and suited the shoot. after a few hours we headed back inside to one of the side dining halls… as soon as i walked in, i knew that i had been to that exact location before. something was so familiar about it, the color of the walls… the wood floor. i remember sitting at a table with someone, i don't know, its just really strange when i do these things…. its like the memory is embedded in me… but i know it wasn't from this life.

we wrapped up the shoot… i took so many amazing photos just on my iPhone that i can only imagine what the real ones will look like. it will take some time for editing and choosing, but after a while we will have an amazing line up of wedding photos for those two.  it was a rather brilliant idea… i was thankful that i was invited to the event, i mean me and ali had talked about doing this for years.

we got home, all of us starving and ordered to go chinese which took forever and made me an hour late for work. i wasn't really concerned, i didn't want to be there anyway. the food wasn't that good, not worth waiting for … then i biked to work. i was so tired and over it that i felt like the ride took forever. i made it and the salon was quiet as usual. i did manage to get two walkins… a mens haircut and a shampoo blow dry. the guy, matt…  has a girlfriend who is a stylist. she jsut started her company and needs a make up artist for a photoshoot on friday in downtown long beach. the evening went by quick and i texted a few people back home. i was glad to leave at seven, the ride home was slightly easier. tupper called me and we spent an hour on the phone catching up. it was so nice to hear his comforting voice, letting me know that I'm not missing anything over there. actually its making him kinda crazy with all that he isn't doing.. we talk really well and i was excited to share my enthursiam about what i want to do with music. i just feel so excited and compelled to make something happen for everyone, i just want my friends out here… i just want people to hear the music and have a good time. i think that i can find a way for everyone to make it… we just have to get on the same page. it takes time. and it takes building these relationships that are trustworthy. i enjoy talking to him a lot, reminds of joe… the ease i feel at laughing… 

then i make a quick dinner with what food i do have left… back to my room to try and a get some things done. i listen to a stella and dot coaching cd, i really need to host a party… and i read some of the book. I'm just not as excited about selling something, but it is a cool product and i need to focus on doing this because i need income. like all the projects I'm trying to do here… its going to take time. TIME TIME TIME.to build this business and make it worth something. i just have so much going on. I'm really tired and manage to write a few things in my journal, which i don't do as much now… with all the other writing projects, but i can really relax and let go in there… just letting the words flow. i fall asleep kinda early… with the laptop on my lap. i didn't even write… this next morning writing is becoming a habit. but mornings are nice and peaceful.

seventy.four.

waking up with the girls at four am so they could catch their flight…i try and sleep through the movement, they shower and get ready to fly… unlike me, who just get up and go…  i am sleeping and hug them goodbye, i really did have a good time while they were here. neither of them knew how to hug me, I'm noticing not a lot of people do know how to hug. I'm going to miss them, and hope for their safe travels. i knew that lindsey was stressed out and tired and was ready to leave the day before, i was trying to be happy and stoked and show them around. 

i had fallen asleep early and didn't write, so five am was a good time for peace and quiet. I'm beginning to understand what "breaking rules" is all about. 

i should start getting up really early and taking advantage of all of my time. i couldn't go back to sleep and was leaving it up to ali and answer her text message about yoga. simon was teaching the first class of the day, i was very excited about it. the cold dreary day brings me back to the winter season… the class made me nervous, i felt hungry and decided to live in down dog for the beginning, trying to see what was going on inside of me. his voice is mezmirising, i haven't been so intrigued in pushing myself since anne. the hard part is that he is a male and doesn't know the … female to the whole degree, but i can tell that he believes in tolerance, and could understand. the things he said, the passion behind his voice is what draws in closer to myself, trying to focus on streching and holding all of my muscles in the right place. i also like that he corrects me, the first class i took with him, he was all about it… i didn't even realize that i was… just a bit off.

he said some important things… about how to look forward, not down. be aware that the present exist, but always look forward. and also about breathing to let go. not wasting energy… ever. this class covered me sweat, and left me having to give in… give up, which actually hurt me more, gave me more strain. so from now on.. i'll practice as if its my first time, leaving all the bad habits behind. i NEED to push myself. i NEED to be a stronger force. i hold myself back a lot, just because at times…id rather just be left alone. but when you are in control, things can actually start changing. in due time.

we got coffee and i had a spinach and kale pocket and then i had to hurry home. getting ready for work was quick, the bike ride was exhausting. i was ready for it, but it took me awhile. of course i managed to get distracted and was running late. the energy was weird this morning… I'm not sure about it yet. being gone for just one day was changes a lot. that night i had a dream about shannon catching her boyfriend in bed and with another girl (i suppose that is was because i saw her post on fb about it, sometime about the time i was falling asleep) but i imagined the event exactly how it happened. so weird. the girls sat around and talked about it because the business was so slow.. i had a few clients, thank goodness. one, janie who is becoming to be a regular, she reminds me of someone… her hair cut went well, she said god has his plan for everyone. she was glad that things were going better.. strange how people think about me? 

i have to stop and get ready… for ali's photoshoot, writing the next morning is not how its supposed to happen. I'm going to be late. 

the day was quickly slow, i had a client that was one of my first repeat clients, she reminds me of someone… (crazy how i can't even remember the events of the day, since i didn't write last night) this client said some important things, we talked about her vacation in hawaii and some places i should go for art? around town. she also said "god has a plan for everything". it takes time. i like how at east she is… 

then ian and ali came in to see me, ian needed a haircut for the photo shoot tomorrow. it was fun, kinda busy tucked back in the corner. they are cute, london was giving glen a haircut on the other side of the wall.  it was nice that another client requested, i like her hair, an giving her haircuts. it made the day pass by quicker and london was ready to leave around five thirty… i biked with a quickness to meet ian and daniel for sushi. the place was strange, downtown across the street from roscoe's. i always have to double take when i see their friend danny… is it. he is there with his boyfriend from london… he is a flight attendant. i like him, he was good guy… the sushi was good, as usual order too much food, I'm always a clueless mess. the seaweed salad was good, weirdest music videos I've ever heard… lots of choreographed japanese/chinese girls in actually adorable fashion, some of it was over the top. the show was being projected onto a giant screen in the dining area of the sushi take out restaurant. all the servers yelled and were characters… rather weird.

across the way was omar's house, i remembered meeting him when i first go here

this day obvisouly isn't of that much intrestst to me. i wonder why. it was kinda a drag, i remember all asleep in the office, i wasn't that excited about what i wearing… not that many clients, i was in a negative bad mood, but not really. just feeling scattered and trying to figure out what I'm reaching for. why why do i feel so restless. 

i did get a lesson on taxes and the IRS from omar, so note to self, pay attention to taxes and pay them. keep them correct, we are in debt and we will scrounge for our money. i see this now, i've seen the poor side of life… my entire life. what would it actually be like to have money? i don't know, i don't think that is what i want for now. i also can't keep being held down by those around me. i have to get out of this limbo out… but you are the company you keep, and the thing about work is… you can't choose who you work with. I'm just going to have to change it up more, be there less. try my best to be there… when i am there. i am still deciding if i want more responsibility. i wouldn't mind it really… i don't have that much of a life, mainly just doing things that keep me sane.

seventy.three.

we needed to catch the bus by eleven, so the girls got up and got ready first, i laid in bed and rested some. the sun was out but it was slightly chiller than the previous days. the bus was on time, and since it was our first time, it was all new to us. the driver was patient and rather comical, "there is a first time for everything" he laughed. i was surprised at how easy it was to get to second st, the other day we spent so much time walking there. then we toured the campus, but it turns out that we went to far and we had to get off and go the other direction. this is where is started to get confusing, i was fighting my urge to be evil, but i was just annoyed for some reason. a beautiful college guy (I'm assuming) helped us with the directions… "i've been here before too". he had the those crystal blue eyes… that you remember. i wish i would've just asked him his name, but now he is lost forever in the sea of california. i would know him later on in life if i ran into him again. we backtracked and then had to wait awhile for the orange county bus, which was also annoying to me. i don't have much patience with gross people, of course lindsey had to remind me that "they" are all gods children. i started to think about this statement and realized… yes, yes they are but if that were the case and they loved god, they would take care of their bodies. i do not tolerate those who can not take care of themselves. it is actually a major sin to be that willingly unhealthy, i understand that life gets in the way… but how do you suppose you will carry on with life if you are that miserable and your body can't help support you along that way. 

the orange county bus ride was nice, i had no idea that it was this simple to get places, but now i know that i can basically bus anywhere, which indeed opens a lot of doors. we could see the ocean that runs along the coast and i remembered then visiting this exact area with michelle on chiristmas eve, that is when things were too shaky for us. i started to feel regret and remorse, but i tried to fight it and focus on the present. 

huntington is an overwhelming thing at first, there are so many beach people, beautiful bodies pretty much naked walking around, the most beautiful boys on skate boards… we had to quickly find a restroom for april, which has been a pattern the entire trip. i guess she reminds me of leanne in that way. we (lindsey and i) are accustomed to traveling with girls… we found a neat little deli tucked away in the corner. it was owned by a husband and wife who were at first overly friendly, but our lunch was very good. then we walked along and decided what shops to look it. it was on lindsey's agenda to find a batting suit, and from experience, especially when my boobs where big… it is the most exhausting process. even in california… where boobs are out of proportion, bless her heart it took us awhile to find something that worked for her. it is such an exhausting task, but she managed to find a somewhat nice black top. we visited a few more places then walked out to the pier. it was rather cold and windy, i couldn't understand how these girls were walking around like it was summer… i guess they are more accustomed to the weather. i was excited that lindsey was able to take a good pic of me… from my iPhone which is really a drag looking back on how i have documented my life, they are all such low quality photos, but it comes down to convenience… that i just how it happened. now i just need to get them all developed somehow. april doesn't buy much, she is so picky, so we spent some time shopping with her… unlike me who managed to fall for something in each store. i only purchased two shirts today, both unnessecary but i liked them both… a rvca wolf shirt and a back to the future tee from forever 21. then we waited for the bus home, we sat beside the girl that was helping us with the bathing suits… she was nice thing. come to find out she is from the east coast and even lived in asheville for a short period of time. we both caught up with each other… exchanging bands and talking. the bus was late and took awhile, which left plenty of time for chatting. the ride on the oc bus was nice, but after that it got confusing. we spend a lot of time just riding around, one guy came back to us…"where are you girls going?" he laughed at us…ummm. we finally made it to ocean blvd after touring the entire city. we were all tired and hungry at this point… had i not been so eager to get off the bus i would've at least asked him his name. he had an amazing smile and such nice eyes… the bus number 2003… thats all i know. we quickly changed and ali met us so we could walk downtown for dinner. we went to georges greek cafe and were immediately greeted with a hug from an older man (who i assume is the owner) or the token old man as ali called him. i was glad she came to hang out with us. april made the comment that so far all of my friends have been really nice… "because you are nice as well…" she's cute. dinner was lovely and my food was really good. thats one thing we did really well while the girls were here. i ate well, and shopped. i am exhausted from all the traveling and orchestrating the days… making sure they had fun. we decided to skip the art show and head back, they wanted to shower and get ready to leave. i was so tired and feel asleep… i felt kinda bad for not socializing… I'm just really not that girl sometimes. i did sketch a picture of skyler while i chatted with lindsey about boys, showed her some of my sketches… but i hated the picture and feel asleep. they showered and packed their things… i dreamed that i skipped yoga class so i could go see harry perform. I'm not sure where i was… but it was a small intimate performance, my favorite kind with him. i just keep dreaming of this kid… does he ever dream of me? 

seventy.two.

this day i wake up.. the other two girls are up and starting to move around. its not too bad to have them here, it helps me get moving, it helps me to wake up. i try and recall my dreams, staying still with my eyes closed long enough to remember… seeing him (harry harrison) running around in my dreams. i remember seeing him in all black, it was hard to be with him, i think i was chasing him around as usual. 

i get ready quickly for work, biking fast. i manage to get there on time, exactly on time actually. i was immeateidy booked a client which i was very excited about… i spent some time chatting with londen, establishing that i have done a good job so far with what i have going on. i read an acticle last night about where successful people were at age twenty.five, seems to me that i am right on track. with just a little more time… and a few more months here, i just have to met more people, i will be exactly where i am supposed to be. skyler is late, i assume that she is not showing up.. then she graces my presence. i convince her that she needs a make.over. i change her color and style her hair for the "show" that she is putting on tonight in downtown long beach, come to find out… third time is a charm. we hit it off immeadley.. she is interested in my "story". so i tell her. all the signs point to exactly where i am today. i tell her the story.. show her "his" video… she is instantly in LOVe. aren't we all. I'm so glad that i can talk about him today. something about these boys… something about this "band" just does it for me. its like my passion.. which i have found in music… is just what i need to talk about today. god sends angels to keep you going. she was an angel/demon sent from heaven to entertain my dreams… to entertain my bargains.. and in turn… i hope i showed her that faith is real. once you are left alone in such a foreign land, you begin to see… you begin to realize what is real and what is false. all the means of what i need, i am given. i needed that extra bit. she invited me to her show.. I'm used to knowing the band. i think i'll go to this. 

i got off work early, which was excatly what i needed, to get out of that building and move on. i quickly biked home, then met them at a coffee shop downtown. we spent some time shopping, of course i was the one buying, as usual. i found the exact shoes that i was manifesting… my "pumped up kicks", so very excited. then to the birdcage coffee shop for some to the most insance coffee ever. it was so good.. and the garden spot was amazing. we spent much time taking pictures and enjoying our time here. we ate dinner at the latin restaurant on first, aleigro… then to shopping more at elev8. i was so excited to meet patrick.. i think we might have a connection…the possibilities are endless when i am allowed to be out and about. during this time austin texted me about the music happening tonight. it made me smile and be happy to hear from him, it is just nice to think about the fact that he thinks of me… this is going to be good. i let him know that we are going out downtown.. and he is staying in because he is going to coachella… I'm only slightly envious.. i don't want to just be a person in crowd.. i know that perhaps, if i work hard enough in imagining it.. i will be there with him, next year… this time… while he is performing. that is my actual goal. to be "with the band". we go home and get ready, change into our new outfits and sarah meets us here. we walk downtown… the venue is really cool. its called the basement and is hidden underground. the lounge atmosphere is perfect.. i text skyler, she will be here shortly. london also joins us, which makes me feel very special that he is spending time with us.. girls. it is a lot of fun, but i expected more. i needed it to be more, i can see myself doing this same thing… but better. i always need better. i try and picture it in my mind, they say it only takes a minute and a half to envision your future.. to make it happen. i see the critters playing here, selling out a show.. making a big scene. I'm just glad to be out. I'm glad that i don't chase people. i make them come to me. i don't chase her down, she comes to say hey to me… and takes a stunning picture, that i will probably never see… very "kate moss". i guess you could say… there is something about me. 

seventy.one.

actually i do remember some pieces now… i think joey was there. i can see his name written down and i can feel his pretense. i don't know why he would appear, but i think it's because he represents the devil in my life. i also imagined myself driving the 4runner around california, i miss her.

lindsey woke up first this morning, she usually does… the darkness made april think that it was cloudy out. i was able to lie around and write this morning, taking my time to get out of bed while the two girls got ready. we moved at a good speed and were ready to leave by just after ten. it was a really nice day today, a lot warmer than i had expected, but I'm hardly out and about in the morning before noon. we walked to cafe ambrosia on cherry and broadway, it was a quick walk and we were amused, well i was amused because it was all new to these girls. it really is a nice town, especially at this time in the day. we sat outside on the patio, the temperature was perfect, in a shady spot with vines growing up the walls. i enjoyed my meal, huevos ranchos… it was filling but not too much. we spent some time chatting and catching up, enjoying the california weather. it is pretty perfect. our conversation was nice, we discussed the differences of chinese marriage traditions… and americans. basically the men can get away with anything here. they are bums really. 

we walked to 4th street and checked out the shops. this is considered the arts district, basically just a small patch of thrift and antique shops. i love going in them.. its hard to not want to buy everything. the character of each piece, there is so much history. i was looking for specific things at first, but then i quickly realized that i would have to search harder for what i was looking for. i will have to stumble upon them, not something that i could just find in one day. there are many shops that i would like to revisit and spend much much more time in. retrospect is one of them, the shop is brilliant. it is filled with beautiful things, i remember the sunglasses…and the dresses! the shop is a tacky techno colored mess of orderly chaotic history. i met a beautiful red head named gretchen, she was the only business card that i handed out… i also enjoyed seeing some art work and searching around. we spent a few hours in this area, lindsey found a few things. then we had coffee at portfolio and continued our journey to second st. the walk was very nice, it took awhile and we stopped to take some photos, which i hardly have. its funny how i love LOVE to have them… but i never stop to take them. but when i do, they usually turn out well. it was fun and the weather today was really perfect. it was nice to walk the whole time, just being able to see the city. the shopping on second was really nice. i had a good time in buffalo exchange, found some pieces that i can wear throughout the summer. a minx fur collar and an orange neon maxi… a few other things that were most likely not necceary but oh well… then to a boutique called the b store, where i fell in love with a blue fur coat. i don't know what it is about the 'pieces" that i love so much… it is faux fur, only forty five dollars… sold to the crazy girl with the beatles shirt. it was a perfect fit and a sample, so one of a kind. I'm sure that there are only a few hundred floating around .. and when you wear a piece like that, people are bound to talk to you. london started to text me and i sent him a picture of the coat, he was stoked. he reminded me of the food truck event and after stoping at a few shops, laurenly *this one i need to return to, and a few others.. i wasn't allowed to buy anything else. we headed back to broadway, by now the sun was setting and it began to cool off. the food trucks were fun, about six or eight of them… i yelled "london" and he smiled. hugging april and lindsey as he waited for his chicken and red velvet pancakes, i think i'll have what he is having. then we moved on and found a Mediterranean truck and got dinner to go. our walk home was exhausting and brisk, it is a walkable amount, but when you are hungry and tired, it seems like forever. we stopped to snap some photos at the bay with the sunset… i broke a sweat and my feet were killing me. by the time we got back to the house i felt moody and my shoulders hurt so bad. we enjoyed our dinner and watched a few episodes of portlandia. it is a hilarious show. i wanted to keep watching but we were all so tired. its is only nine, but it feels like one am to them… i shower and we go to sleep. this day really was nice, i felt like we accomplished a lot, including getting lindsey a dress to wear to a wedding… my feet hurt though. 

seventy.

i was excited to wake up and conquer the day today. i had planned on taking a class… its easier to wake up and know that i don't have to go work. i got ready quickly and biked downtown. the morning was beautiful, there is something so simple about the morning time. in californina, it is a slow time. a quiet time… i should utilize it more often. my ride was steady… through downtown, taking my time and crossing streets, trying to pay attention to the things around me. it was ironic that i was headed to the same place as sarah i went to for that art show the other night. the place is beside a hair school, which is also funny that i could recognize the students immediately. reminded of our school days.. and how many years ago that was. the area was too quiet… no one was at the center. i checked the sign on the door and realized that the class was actually on last saturday… so i missed it. i was kinda upset, i guess the internet had the wrong date, either that or i read it wrong. a guy came out to greet me, he thought i was there for the yoga class. i laughed and told him my story, he introduced himself… "rome" and explained that he was teaching a senior class at ten. i was an hour early and i don't have the patience to stick around. he hands me a flyer and i go outside. the cherry blossom trees are in bloom, their thick pink flowers are beautiful. the trees line the streets… down playing the graffiti walls and "rough" parts of town. i decide to make a quick stop at walmart to get toilet paper and a pillow. this is a dangerous place, i lock my bike up and worry that it may get stolen. i hurry through the shopping process, forgetting about a few items that i should've purchased. i dislike walmart so much. it is a filty ridiculous place, the lighting is bad and the people inside are.. weird. the concept is based on a "bargain" so therefore it has ruined out country. if i never go into another one.. i'd be satisfied in life. its a bit difficult to get the pillow and toilet paper to strap onto my bike… then i head home. a young guy that i have to bike around takes one look at me and says.."hey beautiful, wow… just seeing you has made my day…" i smile and say thanks, then i move on. close to home… i like walking here in the morning. the canopy of trees that lines the sidewalk to the entrance. i manage to get some laundry done, washing towels and pillow cases… straightening up a bit. drink a cup of coffee and then head to yoga. the eleven am class is kundilini with duyan. the bike ride to fourth is quick, i am early and i take a minute to explore the street. the vintage shops here are amazing. at eleven i head back to the studio, a guy named rick lets me in. we sit for while and wait for the teacher… taking time to chat and he gets to know me. he tells me a few good places to go to hear music, i try and take it all in. she shows up a bit late and apologizes… the world sometimes prevents you from being on time. i am interested in her, she has a nice smile and asks if i have studied this type of yoga before…. a few times. the class is nice, it worked on my breathing and tensing of the muscles. learning to relax and try and clear my head. earlier i had texted austin, i thought about him during class… our lives together. good thoughts ran through my head. lots of clear visions of my immediate future. it is hard to shut those thoughts off. afterwards, the class behind us cancelled…which rarely happens. we were able to sit and have tea and snack… and talk. these two individuals were people that i liked getting to know. i enjoyed their company and what they had to say… what they will teach me will good. we discussed tai chi and yoga training… writing books, support groups, a lot of healers that she had gone to try and heal her cancer. it worked and now she was working on a book and documentary about her process. our time ended and i walked next door to get some organic raw chocolate and then to bike home. i spent the afternoon with coffee and worked on my horse drawing, adding and shading in detail. i really need to work on my work looking "real" instead of cartoon… hopefully with more practice i will be able to accomplish this goal. 

ali calls and i meet her outside to go to the market. both of us realize that we didn't bring enough cash, so we quickly go through and get what we absolutely need. we run into niya, by the cake balls… and we laugh and hug. taking a minute to catch up with her, then she hands me forty dollars..oh yea, she owes me this. i had forgotten and this money couldn't of come at a better moment. ali says "you're like an angel". she is that… I'm bummed that edwin is not hear today, i really wanted to pick up that dress… we go back to her place and hang out on the deck, eating the snacks that we bought at the market. the sunset is nice, nothing exciting. a glass of wine and some music… the channel is future islands.  the sun sits low and we decide to walk to get tacos. the wind is rough and we walk the boardwalk towards shoreline. we are going for taco tuesday, so we decide on tequila jacks. it felt like our walk was forever, we arrive and we realize that is too busy. heathens, that is what it is like. i felt like everyone was too dressed, drunk… smelling of ridicuouls perfumes. i wanted out of there and i didn't want to eat there. i guess we walked too far to not eat, so we went next door and were sat immediately down outside. it was breezy. the service was ok, we had drinks…. and then split a salad and hamburger. the food was good but i became immedaltly frustrated with lindsey getting into town. i just need to relax, and try and have fun. she causes us to rush through the meal and i am upset with the fact that we had to rush to finish our meal. our walk home is quick and brisk, we are walking with the wind so it was much more pleasurable. i get home in just enough time to put everything away for lindsey to get here. right before she calls… austin text we back. he gives an excited answer about the music line up for the week and tells me that he is going to coachella this weekend. how lucky is he?! i would love to go but try and put my jealously aside, i text him back and smile, then lindsey calls and i run to the gate to let them in. they are scared and moody first off… and hungry. the travel is too much for them, i feel like i can do it with ease now. i make them dinner and set up the air mattress. they meet my roommates and lindsey makes her usual snide comments about how its "not natural" to live in this situation, referring to the guys… that hurts my feelings and all the comments that i will hear in the following days should be … wonderful.

we watch a few you tube clips of portlandia and laugh while april (her friend) showers and then they fall asleep. i text austin a bit more, nothing too much… just glad that he is responding. i remember that i mailed  harry a letter earlier in the day, i watch him sing a song on youtube, then work on an evil clown/mad hatter drawing. i've had this evil creature in my head and i needed to get him out. i was frustrated about how the detail and how i couldn't get it right, but its strange. this drawing thing… is teaching me about how to have patience. once again i fall asleep without writing, left the light on and i can't recall my dreams. i have doubts about what i am doing with my life… am i a writer?

sixty.nine.

(monday) 

i wake up once again with all the lights on. it makes it easier to wake up i suppose, i had to spend some time writing. it is very important that i keep up with these entries. i don't like writing them the next day… all the night dreaming sets you up for a different angle. its hard for me to recall all the details… here i am, its almost impossible for me to remember what i dreamed last night… i know i remember it this morning. i suppose i need to at least write a paragraph about my dreams in the morning. i lagged a bit while getting ready, wore a simple out fit and combat boots. today is the end of my work week, and now i will be able to relax a few days. it is so bizarrely windy out today, my ride to work was warm and quick, i was riding with the wind. i spend the morning just snacking on fruit and drinking tea. spending time with london, as soon as i arrived he greeted me with a creation. a bronzed head piece that i had mentioned i wanted from a magazine. i loved it, it sat well in my fizzy dirty hair… i wore it all day, as it was very comfortable and matched my outfit. i know that i had to of looked like quite the sight. we talked about our usual vain and cynical nonsense, which is starting to become a sin in an of it's self. the day wasn't too painfully slow.. i wrote some, caught up on events in long beach..art shows, work shops, meetings… i spend some time outside on the porch… london and i went for a quick walk and he convinced me to get ice-cream from the coffee shop… which proved to be impulse and upset my stomach. it was poor quality and londons rocky road flavor was full of random things, piece of plastic, old marsh mellow and an icicle. we were kinda moody and stayed close, back inside for work… i managed to get one walk in, neil. he was a nice looking older gentle man. i can see our relationship turning out nice, he was a clever man. very quiet and simple. i know that doesn't probably stand true for the description of what he is really like… i spent time talking to jackie on the phone, catching up and laughing about why we become such good friends. we talked about boys, vented… shall i say. i talked to lindsey about her trip out here tomorrow. i am thankful she is coming out here… it should be an interesting few days. 

the salon was so quiet, it was painful. we closed early, riding in the wind was hard to do. it gave me more of a challenge. i made leftovers from yesterday… a random assortment of what nots… candy, chocolate world. haha… actually it was kale, carrots and edamae beans. i spent some time talking to joe and catching up. it was one of the first times in awhile that i recapped my dreamy future. he complimented me… made me feel better. i just feel like I'm being trapped in a tiny glasss box, i can only see out into the world, the amazing wonderful moments are just out of my reach. while talking to him for hours i sketched a quick photo of austin, just because i was thinking about him earlier. and then i drew a unicorn, i remembered drawing horses as a child. i miss this very much.. her, the little girl that i used to have time for… a crazy imagination. well, i suppose that hasn't changed. i spent the later part of the night watching a sermon about first love. it gave me some very good insight on what it means to be single. how empowering and liberating it is. how i know that being single is the only way that i will be able to accomplish god's word. singleness is a gift to me, but be who i am and focus on my personal self in order to set an example and educate others. i was blessed with so many gifts, one being an artist. one of my most precious gifts.

sixty.eight.

waking up is hard to do, I'm stuck in my dreams… but since i keep waiting until the following morning to write, i have lost the memory. habits are hard to follow for me, I'm very tired at night and since this day was boring… i haven't much drive.

the bike ride was nice and quiet. sunday morning rides to work are peaceful, the sun was out and my soundtrack was nice. future islands.. reminds me of home. work is slow, my first color appointment got caught up at immigration, she had to cancel, which is a bummer. i waited for her for two hours… then gave up. spending time eating and just walking back and forth. london and i sat around and read satire of the bible that his atheist friends posted online, we had a small group of people for a few minutes to talk about it. but they were uninterested after awhile and moved on. london left early… and then i was bored. a girl named tuesday lionelle from wilmington north carolina made an appointment with me later in the day. i spent alot of time on her hair, conditioning it and paying close attention to her cut. her hair needed a lot of care and i loved her company. her eyes were amazing. she is out here to go jewelry and fashion school… its a dream of everyone's who comes out here. we have a lot in common, as i do with many girls my age. i guess we all came out here to be… discovered?

i wait patiently around for another appointment, but it was really a waste of time. i get bored and start texting people, james and i have an ongoing conversation about what i am doing out here, he makes me think with his questions and i always talk in rhyme to him. he thanks me for the intellectual conversation… then i research some venues… free music at alexs, but i have no one to go with. i ask around but everyone is busy. Facebook leads me to lindsey's blog "unwritten", it is set up beautifully.. all white and very pure. she talks about god heavily, and you can tell that she struggles… but her metaphors are simple… i tear up a few times, she mentions that she misses her sister who moved to california…i catch up with a few people back home. i am now debating going home for a visit, shell really needs a haircut, so does ara and i need to just catch my breath. this place is wearing me down. i stay until almost seven, which allows me to be able to bike with the sun still up… my ride is quick. i text a few others… tyler sullivian (jones), something reminded me of his existence, his response… I'm waiting those two more years… i told him i'd marry him in five years… three years ago? now that just seems all too close for comfort and unless he plays an instrument and travels the world as a rock star, i doubt that i will be interested. i make a really nice meal for myself, watch a strange romantic movie titled "take this waltz"… a girl has an affair and marries another man.. but she isn't happy with either. and then i move on to my room. i am too tired and can't seem to want to paint… i read the history of voltaire, his teachings are simple and make sense, but he was a bit "boring" as well. i just get so damn bored. i fell asleep again with all the lights on… not sleeping too well… you have to have these lame days to introduce you to the good ones. 

sixty.seven.

waking up an hour earlier was a bit difficult for me, i slept heavy through the alarms and wanted to skip work and sleep. i want to almost every morning, there is something so entertaining about just sleeping for me. my dreams were strange, i remember only a certain little detail, i wish i had more of the dream because it was very insightful. i remember someone explaining my beauty to me, about how everyone forever will be able to relate to my appearance, that it reminds them of the "dead". that i am not a typical type of beautiful, but i am a familiar appearance to people. i get ready quickly and love my outfit for the day. leather leggings and glatior sandals.. the coat hangers band tee and the teal and orange animal print vest/shirt that i got will in san francisisco. 

the bike ride was nice, it was good to see the sun out and it made me able to bike quickly. a guy in a white jeep slowed down to compliment my hat and tell me how cute i was. it is always very flattering, but didn't do much good because i smiled and said thanks, but i would never see him again. i noticed an estate sale that was happening, i wanted to stop and purchase these lion lamps… but i had no extra time or space. i got to work on time … the meetings always start late anyway. it was mainly about marketing, which is good, but i just get bored with all these meetings. they are necessary… the day turns out to be busy for everyone at the salon which is great, frustrating because i was not busy. but i did manage to get one request… haircut. faith, a girl that i met a few weeks back after she got a major short cut that she wasn't too crazy about. i spent the day reading and socializing with other stylist clients, filling my time up.. trying to get the day to pass. my very last appointment rescheduled… letting me be able to leave a bit earlier for the event that i wanted to attend. i wrote a blog post right before i left… i saw london's clients shirt.. a joy divion tee, that reminded me of sterling. he loves that band and would often wear that tee. i quickly biked home in the most sunlight, it was only six pm. i called sarah and planned our evening a bit. changed my shoes to combat boots (for walking) and she met me outside. she was also wearing a joy division band tee… huh. i was so happy to see her, she just moved here from new jersey a few months ago. a very relatable character. I'm was glad that london introduced us. we started our walk and the conversation went well, she is good at making it continue. as we were walking towards alamitios, we passed the client of london's from earlier.. who had the joy division shirt on. i got really light headed and a bit emotional for just a second. as it was weird that i would run into her in this huge city. we stopped for a second so i could catch my breath. sarah was a little confused at my reaction to something she didn't even understand. 

we were in downtown and i needed some tea, we stopped in at its a grind, where she works now… mint tea. we continued walking to 7th street, which seems far but really is not that far at all. I'm glad that we walked it together so now i know where we can walk while lindsey is here. also i need to get out more and socialize, walking seems to be a good way to get around. we arrived at the art show, i spanded through three buildings. the exhibits were interesting. i was so intrigued by the "bee" room. a guy had made plastic bees that were placed in old victorian frames, they looked 3d and his flowers growing out of bricks were stunning. i wanted one, as i joked that that was the only way i could have a garden. i was introduced to sharon, the lead singer of slush box, she was a bizarre creature but i did enjoy her hair. she reminded me of laura and we hit it off well. come to find out she is a music intrustor and probably knows a lot of people in the industry. i also met michelle, she was a beautiful petite thing who mistakes me and sarah for teenagers… like seventeen. she was surprised at our actual stories. then she commented on sarah's shirt… "that is my boyfriends favorite band". we spend time looking aournd. the japapnsse style watercolors paintings made me feel untalented and very lazy. the cats were funny to see as all the history heroes of ancient japan. i just have a lot to work on i suppose.. the amount of time and detail for these pieces of artwork is amazing. a band started to play.. two asian girls as the lead. the band was nice, but the music drug on… i wasn't really feeling it. so we headed back over to see slush box. that music was more "our style" and i had a seat to listen and pay attenion. the green lights covered the floor and made the room glow. she had a great voice and they were jammy, i wanted more interest lyric wise.. but it was a good set. then we left and headed to a record store/coffee shop that i never realized existed. i was very stoked to discover this. we spent some time browsing around and i found some records that i really want, but "one step at a time" i need a record player. sarah said "look, and showed me the record of joy division".. i had to tell her the details of this, explained i named my blog post that.. and wondered why it was written all over my day. i ended up purchasing a book called sex in the cinema. i do have interest in reading the book… too bad i'll probably never be able to finsih it. it was getting late and we walked back to the ocean side. our conversation continued on, she is really a lovely character. i enjoy talking to her and i think we will become pretty good friends. she walked me home and her last comment "i think we will be good together". i think so too. i ran across the street to the apartment and made some late dinner. spent some time catching up with ian… then to my room. i was sleepy and didn't feel like painting, even though i have some good ones in my head. i have a lot of work to do. i need to focus more on the "light"… but i fell asleep early, after a few late night text from james. i keep sleeping with all the lights on.

sixty.six.

this morning i slept easily through my alarms. once i finally fell asleep the time to wake up came too quick. i know that my dreams were colorful, i just can't seem to understand my feelings. i am sick and tired and struggling with moving fast. instead i move steadily and pace myself to get to work as close to on time as possible. this cold is making me anxious, as i sit around and dream about what it is like not being sick. to help the day i have "apple cider" which is really hennessy honey whiskey and i add it to my hot tea all day. a concoction of honey and lemon and cinnamon. this is to cut the cold, make me feel better… help me to be able to be at work. i guess those guys knew what it took to be at the "office" for over twelve hours. i can currently only handle nine hours, ten if I'm working most of them. then the time just flies. i spend some time reading, its quiet. i have time to discuss the usual with london, laughing about how i was in his dream… with a face of disgust after seeing one of his dresses… that he made for me. i guess my face really does say it all. my first client today, shea, was a repeat. i had done her color awhile back and really connected with her. she is a mother of a two year old, with a husband who is going to be a doctor… trying to make it out here alone in california. i am excited to have her as a client… as we are familiar and discuss her nursing scarfs. she sees my website and is curious, i've always had an eye for designing web pages. it so bizarre to me how this translates from childhood to adulthood. design has always been a dream of mine, she invited me to go pick out fabrics, which sounds like so much fun to me. i get amped for her excitement, her hair cut turns out ok, but my mind is very distracted these days and i'll begin to notice in my work. I'm just all over the place, trying to put my finger on what I'm actually in love with.

the rest of the day passes well, i have the chance to catch up with a few friends and i get to spend time showing london and shannon my website. i am very proud of it, i think it turned out nice. but how do i top something like that? I'm tired and bored now. this is how it goes, in cycles. I'm already bored with the product. does that mean i have to re-invent again?

my afternoon client was stunning. ashley moved here eight months ago from arizona… she is a forest creature, that lives in the trees as london would describe her. she has a very "mermaid" look… which i am very familiar with. it is her birthday today… she came to get her hair styled for a date with her boyfriend. i am intrigued with her, i would like to know more. the beauty of my job is that i get to meet anyone… another walk in, nancy… she was cool to meet. an art event coordinator.. its going to take time but i am going to figure my way about this city. nancy said i was quite the "renaissance woman". huh, never had it put that way before. i stayed around and cleaned up… the sunset didn't amaze me, i was tired and ready to leave. ali had me over for dinner and i helped her order stella & dot jewelry for her photoshoot next weekend. the following days are going to be good.. i just need to take my own advice and commit to california. like really? i live in LA. 

sixty.five.

somedays i just feel like all is right in the world. i am exactly where i am today because it is exactly where i am supposed to be. this is how i make a living, styling peoples hair and trying to help them stay healthy and help themselves. i am just a human as well. and i am very sick. 

i had a random sleep with my hair wet and all the lights on, waking up not much that i can remember throughout the night. i feel very vain at this moment, as all I'm in tranced with right now is myself and what makes me very happy. i feel bad about it, vanity is a wild thing. but my brain hurts.

the ride to work was nice, i worked out some last night and it made me feel better this morning. i was able to get there on time, another cloudy morning. walking into the chaos. the day was mixed up and i passed up clients for clients that didn't even exist. i don't like too much change in my schedule. i really liked my other clients, a lot. i talked to Eduardo, he might be fun to go with, he likes music. we shall see… "just as friends". ha, thats what they all say. 

i enjoyed my time with london and shannon was in a good mood, its just nicer this way, but the salon was quiet. its going to take time. a lot of time for things to start making sense. too many hands in the pot makes for chaos. i know this, i know too much already really. i could easily step back, but i think i have crossed over the line today. crossed a very important line. i feel like i have my art organized. that is a really important thing for to me to be able to grow, and share. i am an artist. this is a challenge forever. 

the personality of wolves suits me… makes me think of coach gardner. he was an amazing man, i could never figure him out, but he likes something about me. he was sort of a mentor for a few years. he said.. "burton, there should be a book about you". i just laughed and carried on, i was young, innocent and simple. yet somehow still so dark and eery, bizarre intelligence.

it was a late long day, but those days are good, you can make some money. then i bought some whiskey and biked home. i made dinner, a creative concoction of leftovers. it was very good… but i haven't the best appetite lately, due to the cold. i spend the rest of the night working on my website, i make very much progress, I'm doing well with getting things done. i haven't much time at all and it is very important that i keep this going. i have to stay strong through all of it. if I'm going to go through with this… east to west coast gig…i have to work hard and stay true to my reason. my god and my art. 

the name tehra is from terah.. the father of abraham. he was a man that worshiped idols… but turned to the lord later in life. his son went on the travel and do great things.

the simple change in letters makes all the difference. it stands out to people. the name of a rock star? some one you would remember. that is my calling. 

i think about wolves because it is currently the only thing that i can relate to now. i have no excuse. for anything. i just have to relax… get well. and then WORK HARD. you have built everything. a few stickers and then you are on your way. business cards too… this can be done. 

this is the life that i have built. in god's name, amen.

pressure to place

the blocks neatly stacked in rows.

vertical to the floor

they stand in long lines

perfect rows that cover 

the ground.

growing new leaves

in innocent dirt

bringing life to

a new form of 

love.

the love that is self sustaining. 

sixty.four.

sickness keeps me in my room. really it is just an excuse to stay in my bed. in the comfortable and safe haven of my room. i pay enough for it… i might as well stay here some and relax. the morning is slow and i feel like i "need" something. a human touch to release feelings… but i have none but myself.

please forgive me for i have sinned… as my day consist of brainstorming and scattered thoughts. my introverted ways come across to me today… i create a website. all the colors and design theme come to me quickly, as i always feel a sense of urgency about things. i feel that i need to hurry, that i'll waste time… forget something, or someone will steal my idea. its already happening, if i don't learn to keep my mouth shut. i spend hours laying out invisible lines of red and black, linking everything together. soon i will have to come out, but if designed correctly, i will be able to disquise what i need to in order for people to understand. i listen to a random soundtrack.. the starred set, i have twelve hundred songs. i rearrange silly plans and procrastinate on what i should be doing… eat a late lunch and then get ready to meet ali. her and i and ian go tuxedo shopping, well… renting. this is a boring thing, you can't really see anything.. i do know that i like a man in a suit, but like ali said "he has drama".

how do u find the drama free? well you don't immedialty sleep with them when you do find them.. thats for sure.

we take ian home and then a quick stop at ulta, i need foundation and mascara… the only two things i really use on my face. then we go grocery shopping. i am hungry and buy too much, but it is food.. and i do need it. but actually i do not. i could get buy with searching around, buying only a few things at a time.. if i was more futile.  these moments i miss lindsey, i miss her, period.. she is that friend that just cheers you on.. always kept me moving. 

i contemplate making a quick trip home in my mind, if i do, it will be sudden and last minute. just to see everyone, i need a minute to regroup again. to see familiar faces, see a band. work on a few creative projects. 

but all the time is never enough.

i come home to find oliver and andrew making juice, i am excited about this because it is something that i need to learn how to do. it is good to get the nutrients.. and to have only liquid. my diet is slipping down a slippery slope, i need to get control of it.. soon. i am starting to notice the fat in my thighs, i know what they are destined for.. i might as well enjoy them now. i work out some, should've moved more… no more skipping yoga. that is just bad for the soul.

i spent my evening eating.. having some wine.. and showering. as usual i take forever in there, i just need a tub. i shave and condition my hair, after giving it a tiny trim, i hope that it will start to behave better. i try and get something, some release.. nothing. 

i know what it is that i want. too bad it is nothing at all like what i need.

this is where i am stuck. scrambling and stuck in the corner.

sixty.three.

as the days begin to blend together, i wake up naturally… to a few messages from tammy. she must of been thinking about me, i quickly texted her back..leaving out a lot of the details, but telling her about my blog. i slept in again today, but not terribly late. waking up i had to write for awhile, i texted amanda about getting the catalogs … then they arrived. i spent some time going through the books, checking things out. i actually have a lot of studying and homework that i need to accomplish soon. if i do this right, it will help me out a lot. it could also be good fun, i started to cry just thinking about it. i called mom and cried to her about it. she said "just come home". but that is not a solution either, i can't even see that happening right now. there is just too much going on… a year from now things will be different. 

i paid a few bills, ate breakfast.. just did small things in my room until afternoon. it was nice to listen to music and just be for a few hours. i obsessed over things too much… the usual. then biked to see if the shop was open, no… closed again. i biked around, headed to ali's. ian was home sick, hanging out on the couch. seems we all got the funk…gross. ali and i had tea and flipped through the catalog for earrings for her wedding. excited about a few pieces, i need to order soon.

we walked to the market to meet niya, she was already shopping as she couldn't nap in her car because she was upset with her friends drama… she is such a mess… but i love her. we all shopped around, had fruit and bought a few things we needed. its just nice to wonder around and talk to people… we stumbled onto some good things. i crave the cake balls now… i think i will get some next week. i wanted to see if the fashion guy was there… he was in a slightly different spot. i wanted to see if he still had the leather wetsuit dress … it was gone. someone had stolen it while he wasn't watching, how rude! i wish that i would've just bought it now. we looked around, ali found an adorable coat that she got for spring… i found several dresses that i fell in love with. a weird couch like material 50s house wife dress… then he had me try on this stunning long flowy dress, by this point we had told a woman about where i work…she fell in love with my eyebrows, then ali went on to tell her about how i sell jewelry and scarves… tippy got very excited. many people had gathered around and were watching me try on these clothes. edwin was very good at dressing me…. you could tell he was good at this. he reminded me of fred armisin. he noticed there was something different about me… i was from somewhere different. a strange faraway land actually. i just wanted to play dress up for hours. listening to the guy on stage play music… johnny cash covers. i can see harry up there, i mean really it is the perfect spot. a stage in the park. the people would hear from afar and come to listen to him sing, watch his strange performance. his intriguing gestures confuse and excite you…

edwin is going to tailor the long dress for me. i would love a floor length dress that i could wear with flats. it will be a beautiful thing, something made for me. i can wear it with a hat and some sun glasses… stunning. 

i spent too much, but it was spontaneous. niya had dinner for us, we sat at a table and had a somewhat picnic while eating mexican food. it was cute, we talked about silly girl stuff… boys… how if you think about the ones you like you have to do squats.. the ones you're not into… eat chocolate. ha. it was good to just spend time with her. she is a genuine girl, one that I'm so thankful showed up in my life. i need her here with me. 

we said our goodbyes and ali and i walked home. "i like her". that means a lot from ali… we discussed austin in more detail. we are both surprised by the outcome of all of this. this whole "i think he likes you"… i still believe that he does. it just has to play out this way to teach me that when you don't want to sleep with a boy… YOU DO NOT SLEEP WITH THE BOY> lesson.

i decided i need yoga now and i enjoy the candlelight class tuesday night. i think we are trying to do yoga for two weeks, everyday..i might even attempt twice a day. i need to indulge in a "detox" of my soul and mind. i bike to my place to put my things away.. find an air pump and get stoned. funny how quickly your perception can be changed… i read a verse and became excited. i can see some good things happening soon.

i pumped my tire full of air and wow that makes things easier. we met again at her place and headed to the studio. the ride over there was nice, its great that the weather warmed up, and the traffic wasn't too bad either. how peaceful and exhausted the air feels at dusk. its early in the week… we are the only two that attend class tonight, but this is beautiful because it was a good balance. we sang together for awhile in the beginning of class. a chant about truth… and opening up chakras to feel more.. to be able to seek the truth. i like singing, though today was a bit rough.. I'm losing my voice.

i stay somewhat in the room most of the practice. that fire flickering and silence help me concentrate on the movements, catching my breath and trying to flow. i thought about many things, i looked back on my day… and some into the future. i am content here but my brain is everywhere as well.. its hard to focus and i lose track of what i am doing in that moment. class went on for awhile, it was good to stretch everything and work out. shedding some of the weight that was holding me down. the studio is just so lovely dark, it reminds me of home… except you can hear the loud city outside, reminding me that I'm not at home. things are happening and busy outside.

our ride home is lovely, we stop at her place so we can split the bread and berries, then i bike home. my tire is flat again and i ponder how i'll fix it, the bike guy is closed tomorrow…

i fantasize about my day tomorrow, i need to get up early so i can explore some of the thrift shops, i need to get out of my room more.

getting home… everyone is kinda out and about in the kitchen, i warm up some leftovers and snack into the evening. spending time catching up with daniel and studying. i get online to watch a video and get sidetracked on an article about how being single is beautiful. that it is a calling… the prime example. the love for christ alone is enough… that in heaven we will all be single. together in gods love.

this upsets me.

i wish not to believe all the details of this… but still i am convinced that all the relationship possibilities that i've had have been ruined once i have sex with them… or not have sex as well. either way they are all gone, but god is enough.

earlier today i did some writing. i feel the urge to write so much more these days, i wrote tammy a letter. i need to be writing even more…. so much that its like bleeding after being bit by a shark.

insta gramification

sixty.two.

I'm beginning to form this whole "morning after" habit that needs to change. it just its more vivid at night.

waking up was hard to do this morning. i was feeling sick, the pain in my throat in neck doesn't seem to be getting much better. i wonder if i can actually heal this without all the drugs. i'll give it a few more days. i get ready quickly, as i laid in bed until nine again, not even enough time to get ready if i was really speedy. i threw my hair up and wore my new stella and dot pegasus necklace, new things always make you feel better. 

i bike to work and it is tough as usual, the clouds… the wind. i get there… quiet. another quiet day at the salon. it is good though, gives me time to write and relax. this cold is kicking my tail, and the fact that i am making no money stresses me out. a lot, its wearing me down. nothing i am doing right now is making me any money or happiness. i guess that is why i now have to look inward to what i am and what i have already had… to bring joy. i do manage to get a few walk ins, just simple quick haircuts. this makes the day seem more complete, not such a total waste. i get a text from niya, i am so estactic to just be able to go on a walk with her… around the block. its nice to get out and see where we are. we are indeed on the coast, in california. we are very similar, in age and attitude. she opened her own boutique a year ago, funny how time flies. a lot has changed, but she is still not thrilled with the outcome, it takes several years to see results. nothing, NOTHING is instant. i need to take this advice in mind, and soon. it is just so frustrating to know that something is so close to happening, i suppose i like to dance on the edge. the feelings of adrenaline make me… wild.

we drag out our walk, eat some tacos… get a cookie… then we decide to change her hair color. bless her heart, she always looks so tired. she is, she works three customer service jobs, lives with her sister, manages a store, has a dog… dates… wow. i should look up to her, i do actually, and she cheers me on with my dreams. i need someone like her, single female trying to make everything work. all of our dreams, goals…. independence. 

her hair color turned out lovely and was a much needed small change to make her feel better. i see us both becoming good friends. its nice to have them.

i am ready to go home, not before i make the mistake of letting anyone "anyone" near me with wax. i just wanted the stash.. but last minute added in between my brow into the mix… london did a good job, but not good enough for my standards on my face. the pressure was too much and he changed the shape, which i did not like at all. my eyebrows had become a little overgrown, but in my mind they were perfect, and only needed a small change. now the outcome upsets me.. luckily it is only hair. ONLY hair… it will grow. but i have learned this final lesson of …. NO ONE TOUCHES MY FACE. or hair at that matter.

it is a very important rule. there are rules for a reason. i make them… i need to keep them.

i come home in a panic and stress and sit in my closet and cry. then i stare into the mirror for what seemed like hours… crying. it changes nothing. i take a few xanax, cry more… then go have some dinner (left overs from london the night before) it makes me feel better…and pass out watching television on the couch. the boys are quiet, or i was sleeping so much… that i didn't wake until after midnight. i am still out of it… crawling into bed with too many clothes on, i sleep. i toss around with strange dreams, too bad i can't remember any of them. I'm sure some things were solved… 

sixty.one.

i wake up early, slightly confused about my evening, i went to be early and had a hard time sleeping, after the sweats and tossing. it was early but i could hear the birds chirping outside, i had slept enough, it was time to get up. i texted jason about church, he was lying in bed as well… its hard to get up this early. we agreed on keeping our plans, i got ready quickly… excited to wear my dress and hat. i like that i could get dressed up. i walked down the sidewalk and a lady smiled and said happy easter to me. it was perfect timing, he picked me up at 3rd and off we go. it is dark and cloudy outside, a cool spring breeze. it feels comfortable with him, he is a really nice guy. the roads are slow and quiet this morning, we are able to find a parking space quickly. the early service still has room… i glance around. its nice to see all these people, they are all headed in the right direction. seeing the light spring colors is refreshing as well. i learned a few things this morning, about the details that i have never noticed before. the datails of the story of this day. the day that he rose from the dead and saved our souls. funny how this day symbolizes everything, but so many people are just over it, they are not aware. the end of the service brings tears to my eyes, i felt all this emotion, this loneliness, yet flashes of visions of my future, it was so very exciting. i was very overwhelmed, and the fact that there was a saxophone… made it so much better. i wasn't feeling that well and i needed someone to just hug me… the tears streaming down my face… walking outside, the chill of the air felt good. it was time to go… the garden tour was cancelled, it was cloudy and they were closed for the day. i needed to finsih writing, and spend some time catching up… instead i took a nap. i felt sick and tired, i still do… my dreams were very vivid and stange, somewhat lucid. i could control some of what was going on, i remember london setting the building on fire, it was out in the middle of no where with tarps on it. i remember there still being pople in there, i had forgotten my scissors and had enough time to go rescue them. then i was wandering around with niya, she reassured me that it was ok and that jobless was a temporary thing. i think that the loft is just a transition place for me. there is so much more out there, more inspiration. i woke up a few times and tossed about, debating to get up or stay in bed. the neighbors had kids outside and they were so loud and annoying… they were playing buckets and being so loud… talking about making a band. good luck. i got up to eat a snack and text a few people. i was excited about my dinner with london and glen. he came to get me and pick his friend sarah up.. she lives right around the corner. i was excited to meet any girl… she reminds me of shell or lucy. london had been cooking all day and made the most fabulous meal. i was very excited to eat some real food. he got very creative with the meal… i liked the zucchini and squash salad a lot. the entire meal was perfect. sarah and i sat and began to get to know each other. i am very interested in her, she is from new jersey, so she understands what i am doing. she understands a lot actually. she was just in an art show, i need people like her in my life to keep me… motivated. london made some desert and then we sat around and talked and looked through random things… found mad hatter hits of acid. i like things like that. i don't know if i should do things like this in my future… some doors do not need to be opened. i read a book about love in the 1930s-1940s. it was a simpler time, with no cell phones and actual real human relationships. i have so much to learn. the night went by quickly and soon it was late. then home. i still feel very sick but i can't sleep. i draw a strange snake and a mouth. i knows whose it is… all this is austin. he is all over my thoughts but no where to be found. he is a brilliant boy. i need to see his mouth again. i also need to rest to get over this cold.