one.hundred.thirty.eight.

It creates a visual connection between who I am and what the others see.  It makes me feel safe and secure to think that others may understand me better through the image I put forth. For me, it doesn’t depend on who I’m with or what I’m doing; dressing in a sophisticated and feminine way is something too natural for me to detach from.--camilla-alibrandi

I woke up hurting and still too drunk.. The air mattress he blew up was so uncomfortable.. And he was crowding me. He was getting anxious and couldn't sleep.. I can always sleep and wanted to be left alone. The room was a mess and I was naked, the usual. Pleasure feels good but I decided against it and made it a point to tell him that it wasn't happening. I put on music to clam my nerves and laid there alittle longer. He tried again and I kissed him more... But I didn't feel anything. I held onto Harry's pick on my necklace and closed my eyes. I want to be so far away from where I am right now. He makes the comment that most likely he will never see me again. i tell him that he will never forget me...He leaves and I get up and proceed to clean up the mess I made. I realized that I lost my St. John bracelet. I have been wearing it for years... It's so comfortable and perfect.. But that is the sacrifice I had to make for my behavior.. To lose something precious to me. I texted jeremy about it and that I was so thankful that he took pictures of my bracelet because I lost it.. He sent me a picture of one he had just made that was identical. Really!? Is this my life? That is pretty wild and it made me feel better that maybe, perhaps I can er this replacement one .. And never forget my "time". I get ready and bike to the clothes store.. Opening up and enjoying the sun.. The slowness of the day. Niya is late for her coffee job and when she shows up we laugh about the night before. It's funny because we needed that fun night. We needed to relax and act twenty-five.. So basically drinking too much and acting wild. It was good that we could do it in the comfort of our own city... That feels somewhat safe.
She told me the details of after they lost me... I warned her that I disappear with boys quite often and that Ali's apprehension of my disappearance was only normal from our past experiences together. I should most likely not be left alone anymore. "Just keep an eye on me". The day was long, but I love it when we work together. She brought me coffee and I fed us an egg and avocado sandwich. It was good.. Only one sale though, we need the shop to be busier. I spent the whole day looking at this fashion blog website that gabriel recommended I check out. He has put a spell on me.. One that I can't seem to break. I talked about him to niya too much the night before... And I should apologize to her about one comment in particular that I made about being 'in love' with him... She said "you better be in love with me!" And thinking back... I am. I'm in love with the idea of him... But I truly believe that I moved to California to be with her... And of course Ali. The night before she shared with me a compliment that made me feel really good.. About how she would've gone crazy on ian if I hadn't of moved here. It made me feel good... She is such a good friend to me... That "one" that understands where you came from.. That gets you. We don't share feelings well.. But this was a really nice thing to say. I told niya about it and we laughed at how much fun we are going to have together. We all match well and are different enough from each other to keep it interesting. All the giggles clothes and music we will get into..
I was craving a burger and started to plan where we will get one.. The patio at ej Mallory's across the street is the perfect place. We walked to the back patio where I met jeremy just a few nights ago... And she loved it. "How did I not know about this." We split a burger and had soup and salad.. It was perfect and we talked about things. Tom in particular. He is a character... He inherited a ridiculous amount of money... And is in love with niya. He reminds me of Joey... We talk about all the wonderful things we could do with that amount of money and then discuss why it just isn't fair that she doesn't like him. She doesn't like him because of what he loves... Money... But it's all he knows. When you have that much.. It's always guaranteed. Human love is not something he can buy... He doesn't know it or understand it... The poor people know love all too well. It's what is free to us. "We" know it well... We are surrounded by it. 
I biked home and ian and daniel greeted me. Daniel laughed at me about the night before. He said he didn't have his glasses on but he could tell my guy had a fro and was cute... And laughed about the noise and crashes coming from my room. I laid on the floor and laughed about it. Then drug my blankets out into the living room and made a little nest to lay in.. Like a kid. We watched a terrible movie that was supposed to be a comedy.. That lasted forever about identity theft. It was weird to watch... Stuff like that happens. Con artist are tricky people. I got bored and got on Pinterest to add more photos to my bizarre boards.. People are starting to follow me and I can waste hours away just looking at the pictures. I keep getting so inspired to work with a photographer.. One that is dark and seductive in his manner.. To match my mood. Hours later I'm still laying in the floor.. Pinning.. The boys are now watching true blood... Which is a crazy show about vampires in the south. I think harry might be a vampire... And the more I learn.. The more I think that I am a weirdo.
I showered and laid my shoulder on ice. It felt good to just lay on the cold to help the swelling. I have hurt myself over the past weeks.. And I keep making it worse. I try and stay up to write and edit some blogs.. But instead I fall asleep. 

one.hundred.thirty.seven.

My dreams reflected my anxieties as  I dreamed that I had to move to another place. I don't remember much, just the essence of what was happening. The wood paneling.. Just like Michelle's house, was the room I would be moving into.. Strange. I was apprehensive about the move and I could see the old world college campus that I used to enjoy seeing. 

I was able to get enough sleep last night.. Which was I was thankful for... And has made it easier to get up and be on time for work. My routine 

I have broken the routine, now I'm struggling with getting things
Done. I keep putting them off.. As I am bored now and can see that this may be unimportant. But it is indeed not... And I need to keep writing. 
Ever since I could see the light that is my home approaching, I have managed to be too excited... Drink too much and even act, crazy.
The morning at the salon started first thing and reminded me of my "wedding stylist" days on the Outer Banks. The girls show up with their long hair soaking wet, and clean. Honestly this is just terrible, and whoever advised them that this was a good idea... Goodness. I could tell the girl was lying when she started to stutter and said that the girl on the phone told her to have it "down". Since when does... Down.... Imply that you have it soaking wet. So this is how we start their wedding updos. The two girl's younger sister is getting married today at a golf course nearby. They became somewhat interested in conversation, but with most wedding parties, they are pre-occupied in the chaos of the day. It took me while to dry and curl the hair, it was frizzy and flat and I couldn't  really get it to behave, but all of my years at Divas prepared me for this moment. I can whip out an updo in under an hour.. And most of the women are satisfied with the outcome. It's a way that you have to talk with them to coax them into being happy with something that they really didn't want anyway. The style they chose was one that doesn't flatter anyone, it is not natural to have all of your hair piled to just one side, it doesn't photograph well... It's just not good. They all had to have the same style, off to the side. I have done this look so many times that it becomes repetitive and I don't flinch, but get the work done. The younger cousin shows up with her make.up done from another place... It's looked good but it was very heavy. I suppose that it was the beginning of the problem. By the time we were finishing up.. London's client was unhappy and about to have a melt down in the chair. She claimed to be really "picky" and didn't like anything about the way she looked.. Then make.up became another issue. One of the other girls at the salon did my first clients make.up.. Which she hated. The middle sister (mrs.picky) was freaking out on the make.up artist.. When the reality of it all... Was that they wanted to look younger, more like the cousin (who was naturally stunning and young)... And their baby sister was getting married, which created another complex. I was completely exhausted and it was barley one o'clock. I was able to have a minute outside to recap the following day before my next client. Come to find out she was from the same party and did not show up for her appointment. This frustrated me.. As I turned down a haircut thinking I wouldn't have time before her. 
I spent the remainder of the afternoon talking with london, it seemed it would be a quiet evening.. Then the phones started ringing. I was scheduled a haircut with a curly haired client. She sounded young on the phone and that the appointment my be difficult, but I needed to do it.. I could use the money. 
She walked in with an insane fro of curls, the tight kinky type. My stomach dropped and I became nervous, but im hoping that it didn't show on my face. 
She was a beautiful girl that came with her mother, they both seemed apprehensive about my ability to do "this" kind of hair.. And I had to pretend like I dealt with it all the time.  She shows me a few photos of the style she desired, all of them of this stunning girl with a type of faux hawk. I section everything out and began to cut.. She lost a lot of hair, but really it wasn't doing anything for her. After an hour of cutting and london coming upstairs to ease the tension, they still didn't see that I was going to be able to accomplish the style.. We washed her and styled her, it looked great. I was really amazed in myself that i was able to accomplish that look. I should've taken pictures.. As always.. But it doesn't come natural to me to take their picture. I feel like I am invading their space.. And taking away from the ease and happiness they feel after the haircut. So I let my art walk out the door.. Uncaptured, yet again.
This was the end of the day and I was excited to get out of the salon just after seven. Ali and I had made plans to go out to a music festival in downtown long beach. By the time we arrived it was getting dark and the street was crowded. It was cool though.. A DJ was playing while we got a beer and waited in line for a vegetarirean food truck. The selection sounded amazing. It was nice to talk with Ali, we have so much to catch up on. Funny how you can be friends for years and still have things to talk about. She had watched a documentary about gmo's and how deadly they are to our society. They are causing cancer and disease.. As our bodies can no longer function properly. Society has turned lazy and and disguising... Look around. No one has a purpose anymore. This topic always gets me going, we talk about how we will make a change. How will we? Changing ourselves, leading by example and educating the public. It all links back to greed and money anyhow... 
The bands start to play as we finish up our amazing food. The kale salad was stellar and I'm in love with beer battered avocado tacos. The first band is good, a southern country style sound.. Then the head liner Matt Costa comes on. He is a local and they are very excited to have him play announced the event coordinators. An older gentlemen from fingerprints.. Who I wish to meet some day. I was in love at first sight we he showed up on stage all skinny and awkward in his jean on jean outfit. He sat down at the piano with his harmonica and played a song.. "Mr.pitiful" that I recognized as main stream. He played a few more, moving around stage to play several different instruments... One in particular being this most beautiful teal guitar. I was so mesmerized by the color.. And his easy style that I became excited. I began texting niya and jordan about the plans for later, we were all going to meet at the prospector to see another band. Our cab ride to the venue was amusing. It was an Indian guy blaring his music, he has no desire in speaking to us.. The volume was awkward and I was glad Ali filmed it, secretly. We arrived there and it was crowded, we had to play a cover and could hardly move to get a drink. The place was packed with people that looked miserable to be there. Everyone was annoyed, but I suppose it matched the music genre. The band was a weezer cover band... That was not good. I was turned off by the key and tones and the annoyed crowd. We left shortly after finishing a drink.. A seven and seven that I drank too fast. 
We took a cab to a dive bar on fourth, the pike.. Which I had heard that I needed to visit. We walked in and immediately I felt a sense of comfort... It's my west coast version of lucky 12s... The walls I remember to be painted a teal green and the halfway to the bathroom was painted with a big pbr mural. Ironic. The DJ was good... He got me when he started to play funky disco music. I was in love. I guess you could say I was on a bit of a mission... To make.out with a boy. I saw a few with good curly hair, they looked like my typical beach boys... I managed to start talking to one in particular named alex. He complimented my hair and I told him I was leaving and going to another bar down the street. By the time I had said my farewell and walked to the otherside to get niya and Ali... They had ordered Long Island ice teas.. Which are not tea at all... But a blackout poison. We laughed and said our "goodbyes" and then took a shot of vodka. The night proceeded to be fun... From what I remember anyway. I danced around like a little child, it was all rushing out of me like water.. Like a dam that broke, flowing water of nonsense all about the place. I'm sure I was a sight to see too.. With my long hair flailing about with the rythym.. Dancing with this boy and making out with him in public. Ali told niya that I needed to be watched... Niya said to let me be... Then I disappeared.

I don't remember the decision to leave, which worries me that I get to this.. Point where I am in and out of consciousness, but I always seem to function well out of sorts. I convinced him that we should walk back to my place, which isn't that far.. But I remember my feet hurting. We showed up to my place and met daniel in the kitchen. Then we walked into my room... Which currently has no bed in it, which had to be weird for him. I'm not sure how I explained any of it.. He commented on my blue fur coat, I put it on and danced around to who knows what.. He took a picture of me dancing, I'm hoping that it is not clear. But even if it is... I'm in a blue fur coat with insane hair... It's pretty innocent. Who knows.. I never will know. I remember getting into more "adult fun" and then going to sleep. I never remember the falling into sleep part... 

one.hundred.thirty.six.

Knowing that I have a 10am client gets me up earlier. I am bored with my clothes and just throw something on. The mornings are never sunny anymore, but covered with clouds. The grayness and repeat invests that my life has come to... I even continue listening to the same songs... Over and over. I'm over this, I'm over the wake up work, eat, sleep routine. My body aches and I try not to think of the pain, but all I want is sleep. 

My first client is lovely every time. She has been coming to me for months now and each time her hair turns out nice. She is graduating and this may be the last time I see her, she is moving to San Jose in the fall for a job. 

Liz scheduled with me today as well.. She is a new client and I have a good feeling about her. She walks through the door and is excited about just getting off her long board. Her hair is a mess and overgrown, it has been months since she has had it done. She shows me a few pictures and we discuss colors for awhile. I could tell she was a hyper one and the scrolling photos immediately distracted her. Once I returned from mixing color.. She brought up the photos.. "Not everyone is an artist. There are so many young people in LA that believe they are part of this scene.. When really this are just hipsters". There is truth in that. 'Hipsters' are those that like to hang out with the artist.. Musicians etc. but they are not talented. She felt very strong in her opinion and I respected that. In my head I was wondering what category I fell into...she also made the point that if you are an artist...you just show up. And then peolple see it in you. I must be that type. I enjoyed her company and getting know her. I learned things about myself through her appointment. She was pleased with the outcome, I wish it would've turned out differently... And then she invited me to come have a drink with her and her brother at the bar next door. I considered it..but shannon asked me to help her with her color so I stayed at the salon. We put a purple toner in.. Which turned out to be a surprise of dark purple roots... But it looked good. Sometimes accidents turn out good. We'll call it reverse ombré, it's the newest trend. We spend some time talking while I curl her hair and I come up with the idea that she should blog about her crazy dating experiences.. Something along the lines of "gentlemen are extinct". It would be a comical display of the real life issue of guys of our generation that haven't a clue how to treat women. 

I am thankful that Jeanette offers to work on my shoulders for a bit. They hurt so bad and the pain makes me feel like I'm going to be sick. It's like all the weight from the stress of being here is caught up in my lower neck. My arms are swollen and tight... The spider web of muscular tension has become unreasonable... It hurts while she works but I know that it will pay off in the long run. After an hour of moving toxins out.. I feel nauseous and I notice that my makeup is a mess. I spend some time cleaning up and then some time on Pinterest looking at insane photos. I'm not sure if this is making the matter worse.. Or inspiring me, but I search toxic photos.. Labeling the board "toxicity" and stumble onto a short paragraph about our American toxic culture. The sex that is being sold.. How we have taken things that don't belong to us and made an industry out of it.. Selling it to others. This opens my eyes and I see a reason to put a stop to it.. But how? 

I text with niya and we decide on the plans for the night.. I complain about feeling lame and being hungry... The same time Ali is texting me the same thing. She shows up looking just wonderful in her insane heels.. With tacos. We escape to the porch so I can scarf them down before my next hair cut appointment. I am so thankful for her right now.. As she reassures me that things will be ok and we should venture into LA to hear a DJ that she met at the clothes store. I tell her how ugly I feel.. And that I'm struggling.. She can see it in my expression and says its just sexual frustration. She is right. I have so much pent up anger and passion that needs to be... Released. I need to make out with a boy that I like, and soon.

My next hair cut is a nice guy from the east coast.. He is a physical therapist in Orange County.. He works with golfers. I ended his story and our quick time together. I got his haircut done fast.. I was ready to leave. 

It was almost eight thirty by the time I was free... Biked home in the dark and then decided to cancel going to LA. I know that it would've been fun, but I was in no mood to even get ready. It seemed like such a hassle to get there... I knew I had a wedding party in the morning, I couldn't risk being late. I stared off into space a lot, just thinking.. Getting. Nothing done. I tried to write.. Couldn't. So I took a shower and painted my nails. I laid on ice to help ease the swelling in my shoulders.. And fell asleep. I had so many ideas and thoughts racing around that they wouldn't settle and I was so frustrated that I couldn't harness them creativity. I am officially burned out and ready to go home.

one.hundred.thirty.five.

Days later. I've stopped writing. I have been dragging my feet, only half ass the whole thing. I'm bored I suppose.. But I need to pay attention.

It's nice to wake up and go to the clothing store. I don't remember my outfit, nor was it one to remember anyway. I cleaned up and talked with niya, we decided that the night before was fun but we were both very tired. I think back to all my nonsense and regret only a few seconds. She brings me my coffee and ice cream, this I look forward to on the days she works at the coffee shop. 

The day is slow and I only make one sale, I spend time rearranging and taking photos of the inventory. I also write just a bit. I don't really want to go to the salon for the afternoon, but I do become restless just being trapped in the store. 

I was expecting a color client later in the event, but she ended up a canceling at the last minute. This is frustrating and leaves me just sitting and waiting for nothing...I don't make any money. The bike ride home was nice, I made a light dinner, soup and kale.. And then I fall asleep before accomplishing anything of value. This is a habit I am forming. Too much sleep.

one.hundred.thirty.four.

 take my time waking up and I spent some of the morning writing. Trying to stay on track. The music is good and I like alot of songs..  I have discovered the band alpine and the soundtrack is wonderful on spotify. I send a few songs to my usual suspects Jaclyn, shell and beck. Niya text me that we are going shopping later, so I get up and get ready. I try and drink enough water and eat.. I dress in the orange flowered pants that niya gave me, and my string insight tank.. I wore nikes while shopping. She picked me up and off we go.. It was funny I met her on the corner and she yelled "hey girl". Traffic wasn't too bad on the way there. We listened to our usual country music and talked about boys and life. Our shopping experience was relaxed, we went through an unusual pattern with our shopping... Picked out a polka dot dress and a few casual tanks. We drank coffee and walked around dreaming about clothes and where we could wear them to.. Oh the events that I dream of.

I have decided that I do not live in the present, but indeed I live in an alter reality that i have created in my mind. I don't see the point in living in present day because that moment ends before you can give it another thought. 

We get stuff in traffic on our way back... Trying to drink a lot of water...an hour later we have to run into the store to pee. Wine down Wednesday begins and I get a few text from sarah and Ali. We price and unpack inventory.. Taking time to hang everything up. Sarah brings us a salad and we share while drinking. A beautiful girl comes in to shop for an engagement party dress. We help her find a few things... She has a beautiful figure and the maxi dresses fit her well. Come to find out she is a waitress at Mai Thai that restaurant we were planning on visiting later. She laughed about it and told us that we can get a round of drinks on her. We hang out and collect a few more girls for the night adventure. The crowd grows... But no more sales for the evening. It has been quiet the last few days. 

We all piled in cars and headed downtown, niya went to get Ali and I rode with Tamara and sarah. The patio at Mai Thai  is nice and we are just in time for music. We sit in a circle and order drinks and snacks. I am already drunk and remember drinking fast to feel more. The chicken and pizza were a good choice of snack. I sit by niya and we talk about the boy at the bar, she had forgotten about this one.. Funny how just seeing each other brings it all back together. I see them texting .. And I begin to ramble on with my drunk absurdity. I know I talk about harry... Whenever she brings him up, I get a glow and can't stop smiling. Some times I squeal like a kid which is over reacting, but I like being dramatic. 

It's much more interesting. I remember niya telling me again how gabriel was so attracted to me... I remember talking about my scars (again) and how they would make a cool art project. But she has a point.. She told me that he will not be it for me... Harry makes me too happy. But the thing is, harry is not for me. I am beginning to come to terms with this now. I take a risk and text gabriel.. Something silly like he is on my mind. I want to put it out there, boys like things like that right? The shy type... I'm a girl of another breed. I know this... I'll let down my guard for him, tonight anyway. He text me back, I dont remember the time line, I just know that I was so excited. It was time to leave before we got sloppy, plus the music was over. Tamara dropped sarah and I off at my place, we laughed and I'm sure were too loud for our entrance. We danced around in my room for hours... It started with Harry's new songs. They always get me going.. I put on my fur and vintage ray bans and danced like a crazy lady. Sarah danced and wished she had her camera.. As we laughed and she pretended to take pictures. "I can see this!! That angle is great!!" It was entertaining and maybe one day I will dance around for her camera. Some film perhaps.. It would be a fun shoot. 

I figured out that I am indeed ridiculous when I drink. The poison gets to me.. And I become some many different characters. Where do they come from? I was the life of our two person party. I like that she gets me.. I like that she is amazed with my movement, and she is not shy to chime in. She sees that thrill in the joy of happiness. I suppose enough love counts for it all. She wants me to have 'this' love that I so passionately parade around. Is it all pretend? Yes, I believe so.. But as a character in my made up world.. I ask and even require others to dance on my level. 

I continue  to dance and share with her bands... The x ambassadors I can't contain my excitement. She comments.. "This is post apocalyptic music..." Why do I appearing in this image... The end of the world trend. I wouldn't mind if it did end... I've done my living. I have been here for a long time, it only makes sense that I have been traveling through decades.. Even generations of souls. I could die tonight and be content. But I suppose my work is not done yet, I keep coming back for more. This parallel of earth leaves me asking many questions of why this is this... Or that. But indeed it doesn't matter... Cat power takes us down a notch and we both lay on the floor and stare at the popcorn ceiling. In the hotel room of many years... The souls and stories these walls have seen. I hope this moment becomes something down the line. You won't know the power of your past actions until many days down the road. Each one is insignificant until it becomes 'the' movement that I wish to see. 

Shall I compare myself to the great gatsby? Is this life that vain? I am.. And will be a timeless figure of hope and happiness. But my life will embody the pure depression and stress of the sorrow we each feel. That is the balance. In order to feel such joy... We must know the darkest shadow that we all stand in.

I told sarah that as a child I had a crush on scar from the "lion king". She had a funny look on her face and said, I've never heard anyone say that before, you are so different, and I suppose you like bad guys... I liked scar so much, he was so skinny and sly... Reminds me of a certain some one that I'm about to play with. I hope he dances the tango. 

one.hundred.thirty.three.

this day. is one that i lost forever in the dream land of not… remembering. 

i woke up early and laid around..listening to music and getting distracted in my head. my side hurts and i debate not going to yoga…but this is my favorite class. the class that pushes me to the hardest of my challenges to be "perfect". i check the online schedule and its cancelled, i feel relief that i didn't have to skip the class…there just wasn't one. so then i could lay down and write about my day. then i fell asleep again… and slept most of the day. i did wake up a few times and try and write, check instagram… look up bands. i needed to be watching podcast or something. but no, i just slept… got up to eat and daniel said i looked dehydrated, and that is why i couldn't do much, that is why i slept all day. i can believe that, i do need to be drinking so much more water. 

i ate some leftovers quickly and got ready to go to yoga… i was able to get just a bit of writing done just before it was time to leave. i thought that i would meet her out front at five and wait, but usually when i am early or on time… it never works out. i waited for while and went and stood on the stairs at the end of the street…. i don't get out enough. today was a beautiful day and i just slept… all day. cancelled everything, from being outside. i do that a lot, the comfort of my dark room. we were too late for yoga in naples, which was fine. i didn't want to be in a car anyway. we changed our plans and parked the car. yoga was at the park at six and we had plenty of time to go. we even had time to walk to the market and get a few groceries. i was excited about this…and cakeballs! then we walked over to the bluff and set up between a rock and a tree, just the two of us. the grass was a vibrant green and the shade and sun was perfect. the experience reminded me of being a child at the end of summer afternoons. we grew up in such a magical place in the woods… the teacher was a young guy by the name of drew. ali says to me immedielaty "i think he is hot". oh man.. i couldn't look. his words were nice and all the movements flowed well. i like it when things flow well… each movement he took time to explain and gave some good advice along the way. he reminded me of ashton. his look mainly, and then a bit of the primal mentaltitly.  i enjoyed the journey with him. i needed to stretch and work some things out. i have been tense, i will be tense for awhile in caliofrnia. i just need someone to touch me… soon.

we stay after and sit on our mats eating cake and cookies that we bought from the market. it was fun , the weather is absolutely perfect and i want to have our picnic forever. we sit and laugh and catch up with each other. she is having a hard time in her marriage and i can see how it would be hard… ian is being selfish and its making her do the same…this relatiosihop will go no where if it continues like this. we decided to walk to paradise to have dinner. its a short walk and the sunset is really bright and vibrant. i like looking at this… we have some drinks, tacos and split a turkey burger. the night is really wonderful. we have had really good service every time at this restaurant. and it nice that they split the meals for us. we sat for awhile having another margarita, we just like to drink sometimes. we walked to rite aid to get a few things (detergent and alcohol) and our walk home was good. the weather is much nicer now… almost eighty during the day and sixty at night, pretty amazing. we hug and walk our separate ways. i decide to wash sheets and take a shower. just a shot of brandy and i get…. clean. i wash my ridiculous amount hair, not with out staring at myself in the mirror, dirty hair is always the best hair. i just want to take a few pictures of it. one day. i take a shower and fall asleep yet again with all the lights on… the music is so good, i wake up dreaming about turning down the volume. its was kinda comical. 

one.hundred.thirty.two.

i keep putting things off because i suppose time is moving faster now that there is a lot to do. i keep trying to write but instead i start thinking and before you know it…I'm staring off into space, just thinking about all i have do…what i have to do… and then where that will get me (see, i did it again. the songs over and over and over again. i dance around, I'm so excited. I'm so ready for all of this. its going to be a lot of fun. my new life as a business meeting. all in the name of fashion.art.music) i just have so much to do and learn.

monday monday is the new friday. i like ending my week this way, I'm always busy on monday. its good, i've been booked. i had a client first things, matt. he was a character that i wasn't sure of at first. sometimes people do not look like how they appear, he reminded me of clay mchpherson. this was a compliment in a way.. he had grown out hair from traumatized experiences around long beach. seems the only style for a guy is the really tight shaved look. i don't even know how to do that style. we hit it off after he joked that he was the music editor for the great gatsby… after i had just finished ranting about how the music needed to be better… different, original. funny… i laughed.. and we had good conversation. I'm not sure if he liked his style… but we'll know if he decides to come back. i think i will do well with men, forever as my clients. he is from chicago, i like his old world manner.

i was able to sit outside in the morning and write, which was really good to catch up. the sun is warm and feels good on my feet. trish lets me know that i got a walk in color. i was excited about this… and was glad i still had time to eat and get situated. she was a nice girl, but she looked much older than she actually was. i guess that is from being outside? or stressed. she is a nurse at the local hospital, but you can tell that she wanted more. her color turned out nice, not exactly what i was going for… but I'm getting there. it will take more time to perfect my color skills, but here i am again working at a salon that is out of colors that i need. frustrating.

i talked about music some to her, just a little bit. i find that talking about myself is the only thing i know… so its how the conversation turns. so that is how it naturally is i suppose. 

i have time after to take a nap on the porch, it is sunny and i let it hit my back for an hour. london came outside and hugged me. I'm not sure why, he did it quickly and i was half asleep… then summer came out to let me know that my afternoon appointment was there. i like him, he is a good guy. we connected last time with asheville and the critters. i like his personality, and he has a cool job where he designs lighting for building, salons etc. cost effective lighting options. he told me about this concept salon in san francisco where each salon has its own glass cubicle where you rented out sections. seems like a really cool idea if i could find a place like that near here, possibly in downtown LA? its a thought. this sparks the thought that maybe i should be in the city more, the out skirts are comfortable to me now… funny how that happens. but it is only comfortable because of my situation. in a few months the time will… change.

my last appointment is a new client who is friends with summer. i like his enthusiasm. he is going to school in indiana, excited kid. i shared some stories with him about my travels across the country, about how much i learned…experienced. 

i met him out in the patio area behind the bar. i really like this spot, its quiet and the weather is pretty so.. its always nice to just sit outside. i had some soup that i was disappointed in. it had too much salt and now that i am not eating much salt, it was hard to adjust to.

jeremy had a nice fitting red shirt and dressed in a way that was very european. he had a leather bag that i liked seeing the raw made… 

he was different than i remembered from the first time, but either way i still liked him. i was thankful that i arrived first and could meet him this way. i think our conversation was intense from the first moment. i wish i could remember all of it, but i told him almost immediately… that i wanted to change the music industry. i like to set my goals high that way if i don't reach them… its seems they were too ridiculous anyway. that makes me feel better. we talk a lot about music, he shows me a video of grizzly bear take away show in a small bathroom, i laugh about these in my thoughts, reminds me of alex and our endless days of watching video after video… the afternoons would quickly disappear. soon we begin to talk about the journal, decide the color…size and feel of the book. i decided to let him design harry a journal too… one that is black and white, like a crazy dr. seuss…. "its not easy with rockstars" he says towards the end of the night, we laugh. i show him a video of the boys… harry is dressed insane, which will make him remember it. i really enjoyed jeremys company, like truly i did. he could become a mentor of sorts. 

he is older than i last remembered, but its funny here in california… everyone looks different every time you see them. thats how time passes. he has a scar that i noticed this time, on his right side just below his ear. i thought to ask him about it,but that is for another time. i ask him about his career, which seems interesting. he is a part of the freedom writers organization that gets education to teachers that help at risk children. there was a movie made about his friend that he works for, maybe her name is emily? the freedom writers diary is also something that came from the process. he was a teacher for awhile and has lived all over the midwest and france. he does the grant writing process for the teachers education, but he was excited about his place just around the corner. now he has a studio to work on his leather…its not a quiet hobby. i like his humor, it was witty, funny and quiet. he mentioned that he was in a band for awhile, with a girlfriend of his… he has stories. 

now i have a customized leather book for my thoughts. this book will coincide nicely with my upcoming year. that will no doubt be a mess of more blood and tears for the fight of LA will continue. more on all of this later…

one.hundred.thirty.one.

Why am I feeling so distracted and disoriented when it comes to my writing. Consistency is what I am lacking. But this is how I survive. So I must adapt. I decide to just lay in bed and sleep for the morning, I didn't have to be at work until noon. The first sight I get.. Blood everywhere, all on one of my favorites sets... The corset I haven't had a chance to wear yet.

Niya called to tell me about her car situation and we talk awhile. She is really having a hard time and she has no one but herself. 

I got ready quickly and biked to the store. I spent time opening up and changing.. Taking my time to settle in. I decided to dress up and wear heels and the Aztec red maxi that we bought for the store. My hair is tired up in a bun, and I feel... Pretty. Niya greets me and we talk, she is working next door today.. I feel the need to move and organize today and her back room has been making me crazy. It is all just thrown in there, unorganized and trashed. It comes down to not enough caring.. Too busy to take the time to clean. I start in one corner and before the day ended... Everything was clean and orderly. There has to be a sense of togetherness if anything is going to be accomplished. I want to be able to store things and even escape back there. It took several hours and throwing away, sweeping and moving things around... In a dress and heels. I do my best cleaning in this attire. 

Niya surprised me with a coffee drink in a tiny whit cup. She started to describe it and before she should finish I already remembered. The Turkish style way of serving coffee.. Espresso with a spoon full of ice cream. I took a sip and started to cry... It tastes just as good as I remembered. The mornings when Artem would make me this to wake me up, we would sit on the couch and get high and he would smoke parliaments and tell me stories. I could see his demeanor... He smile all at once. It brought a wash of feelings and the tears came up for just a moment. Niya hugged me... Crying is the new trend.

It was a good day, the time carried on at a good speed and I felt accomplished. We didn't sell much inventory, but the quiet allowed me to work.. Now we are more prepared to get things moving. 

I tried writing for the last hour but I could not concentrate. The afternoon was still bright for the ride home. I am still stuck on repeat with the x ambassadors that I can't seem to move on because no one else sounds like them... Their music gives me a certain feeling. I want to just keep dancing and being really stoked. The music gets me high and I can see listening to it for the next few weeks... Summer 2013. I read a journal entry late night in summer 2011 and I felt the need to share with niya. It was brilliant of me really... At only 23 to come up within myself those ideas. She laughed and I could tell she wants to read more.. I'm considering letting her read the whole thing, but I am so protective over the books... Maybe not right now. I'm not ready to give them up yet. The advice from a younger me is too good. 

I get home and snack , think about sushi with ian and daniel, but I'm glad I declined because Ali wanted to see the great gatsby. I like our last minute life and we hurry to make it on time. We actually moved at a good pace.. Waited in line, got popcorn.. And walked into the movie literally as soon as it started. Our timing was perfect. We both couldn't contain our laughter.. As if we ever can. It was too ridiculous. The movie kept my attention well. I enjoyed all the imagination and the costumes.. The story. Seeing Leonardo Di Caprio on the big screen... He has aged well. I was overall impressed with most of it, the music though.. They could've taken that movie to an entirely different level.. But the music was right. It wasn't timeless enough.. I'm just thankful that the xx was involved in the project. The entire movie made me think of harry and how symbolic all of it is... He isn't going to ever want me, I'm too over the top for him, instead an artist longs for what they used to have.. Hence why they feel the need to Always recreate it...

We got lost on our way home which was so funny because it was completely confusing.. California feels this way to me a lot... Just a bunch of highways and choices that lead you in circles. 

I think that I'm going to write or get something accomplished.. But I can't stop thinking. I'm so stuck in my head with ideas and excitement that I can't record or create the present tense. I have it exactly right, I just can't talk about it.

one.hundred.thirty.

it is a wonder where to begin this day. i decided to skip sleep, it takes up too much time… the porch by the bay. one of the biggest cities in the world… and I'm sitting on a balcony with the orange lights from the ports.. the queen mary staring back at me. 

gabriel. 

is he a man?

i wouldn't believe that it was real if i hadn't been there myself. i think i should keep my mouth shut awhile… but i spilled a lot of the… thoughts from childhood. i told him things i hadn't thought about in a while. 

i liked my outfit, i had to dress up in a way in order to intrigue me… give me energy. i was wearing the geometric black and white leggings i bought with AAron a while back, in feburary. and a big oversized sweater, my stella & dot arrow necklace. sneaker heels. we had a meeting first thing and i was completely exhausted. i couldn't even really focus and regretted not sleeping… but gabriel kept running through my mind. over and over i was replaying our conversation. his hands…

the meeting was a disaster. everyone showed up late… some employees where there. it is just hard. not much is going on, and as positive as i try and be… the reality is…. it is really hard. i decided to speak up and you could hear the pain in my voice, it may have been a little shaky.. but i had something to get across. things are not going that well and we are really slow. the place in quiet and the reputation is hard to build back. 

we were busy the remainder of the day, it was a good thing because i was so tired that i needed to just keep going. i don't really remember my clients, i just know that i was loopy. i think i had a high light client.. and haircut maybe. 

i took a nap on the couch while london watched the front desk… i fell asleep sitting up and it was funny to him. niya came in to talk for a minute.. and we planned to go to the art walk downtown later that night. 

it was good that we went, drinking a quick shot of espesso from a cuban shop and walking around talking to the vendors. i saw matt and his girlfriend from mollyLA. and i also was able to talk to sarah the artist with the hummingbird paintings… we want to have her show in the store. also i bought a candle, 820 from two ladies… it smells like musk, sandal wood. we also were able to see a photography exhibit that i wish i had taken photos of her work. i want to go back and see it with gabriel but it is up only until june 22. 

we were going to go out and get drinks but i was over it and wanted to just go home and go to sleep. 

found these words in an old journal. 

i am a worthy woman. worthy of marrying. i all be a sweet wife. if that day comes, he will be lucky. he needs to work for it, but for a lot of work, so that i know that he will be good for years. he has to want me in order for me to want him. i am worthy of being wanted. sought after. unforgettable. one guy tonight sarcastically said i was the one. too soon. too much. but i want to go to dinner with him. sober. I'm not completely sober, but I'm on another level & not everyone's with me. he seems to be "with me". we'll see. i like dinner. and conversation crazy, weird conversation. from now on its all me, every bit. jeffery bought me sweet orange sunglasses. keeps me on my toes. he has the best music. exactly what i want to listen to. i really like that. he is a good guy, means well & is a lot of fun. but i just can't have him falling love in with me. is it okay to say, "now don't go falling in love with me." i don't think that is appropriate. most likely not, but what needs to be put out there, so no feelings get hurt. kisses. 

what do they mean? because i get a lot of those. i want to kiss your lips again. i can almost remember what it was like, especially that one night, week after we met. insane. but you know, i've worked hard to get where i am & now he has to work hard to have me.

it just can't be that easy. he has to always know that i am worth it.

everything he as to go through will be worth it because he'll have me & then it will be easier, together.

i don't want to sleep with him now because i want to sleep with him for years. so i'll wait, for all these years, i'll wait, because  it will be exactly what we both want when it does happen. he says he wants it to mean something with me, and it will be. it will be what we both need and want because we waited, got to know each other & fell in love.

fallen in love with the good, the band & worse. once you've been there, you know. so in the mean time i'll focus on me & learning. surround myself with interesting and smart people so i'll learn from them. i want to meet my potential. i have everything it takes to be a good deal. 

june 8 2011