one.hundred.thirty.eight.

It creates a visual connection between who I am and what the others see.  It makes me feel safe and secure to think that others may understand me better through the image I put forth. For me, it doesn’t depend on who I’m with or what I’m doing; dressing in a sophisticated and feminine way is something too natural for me to detach from.--camilla-alibrandi

I woke up hurting and still too drunk.. The air mattress he blew up was so uncomfortable.. And he was crowding me. He was getting anxious and couldn't sleep.. I can always sleep and wanted to be left alone. The room was a mess and I was naked, the usual. Pleasure feels good but I decided against it and made it a point to tell him that it wasn't happening. I put on music to clam my nerves and laid there alittle longer. He tried again and I kissed him more... But I didn't feel anything. I held onto Harry's pick on my necklace and closed my eyes. I want to be so far away from where I am right now. He makes the comment that most likely he will never see me again. i tell him that he will never forget me...He leaves and I get up and proceed to clean up the mess I made. I realized that I lost my St. John bracelet. I have been wearing it for years... It's so comfortable and perfect.. But that is the sacrifice I had to make for my behavior.. To lose something precious to me. I texted jeremy about it and that I was so thankful that he took pictures of my bracelet because I lost it.. He sent me a picture of one he had just made that was identical. Really!? Is this my life? That is pretty wild and it made me feel better that maybe, perhaps I can er this replacement one .. And never forget my "time". I get ready and bike to the clothes store.. Opening up and enjoying the sun.. The slowness of the day. Niya is late for her coffee job and when she shows up we laugh about the night before. It's funny because we needed that fun night. We needed to relax and act twenty-five.. So basically drinking too much and acting wild. It was good that we could do it in the comfort of our own city... That feels somewhat safe.
She told me the details of after they lost me... I warned her that I disappear with boys quite often and that Ali's apprehension of my disappearance was only normal from our past experiences together. I should most likely not be left alone anymore. "Just keep an eye on me". The day was long, but I love it when we work together. She brought me coffee and I fed us an egg and avocado sandwich. It was good.. Only one sale though, we need the shop to be busier. I spent the whole day looking at this fashion blog website that gabriel recommended I check out. He has put a spell on me.. One that I can't seem to break. I talked about him to niya too much the night before... And I should apologize to her about one comment in particular that I made about being 'in love' with him... She said "you better be in love with me!" And thinking back... I am. I'm in love with the idea of him... But I truly believe that I moved to California to be with her... And of course Ali. The night before she shared with me a compliment that made me feel really good.. About how she would've gone crazy on ian if I hadn't of moved here. It made me feel good... She is such a good friend to me... That "one" that understands where you came from.. That gets you. We don't share feelings well.. But this was a really nice thing to say. I told niya about it and we laughed at how much fun we are going to have together. We all match well and are different enough from each other to keep it interesting. All the giggles clothes and music we will get into..
I was craving a burger and started to plan where we will get one.. The patio at ej Mallory's across the street is the perfect place. We walked to the back patio where I met jeremy just a few nights ago... And she loved it. "How did I not know about this." We split a burger and had soup and salad.. It was perfect and we talked about things. Tom in particular. He is a character... He inherited a ridiculous amount of money... And is in love with niya. He reminds me of Joey... We talk about all the wonderful things we could do with that amount of money and then discuss why it just isn't fair that she doesn't like him. She doesn't like him because of what he loves... Money... But it's all he knows. When you have that much.. It's always guaranteed. Human love is not something he can buy... He doesn't know it or understand it... The poor people know love all too well. It's what is free to us. "We" know it well... We are surrounded by it. 
I biked home and ian and daniel greeted me. Daniel laughed at me about the night before. He said he didn't have his glasses on but he could tell my guy had a fro and was cute... And laughed about the noise and crashes coming from my room. I laid on the floor and laughed about it. Then drug my blankets out into the living room and made a little nest to lay in.. Like a kid. We watched a terrible movie that was supposed to be a comedy.. That lasted forever about identity theft. It was weird to watch... Stuff like that happens. Con artist are tricky people. I got bored and got on Pinterest to add more photos to my bizarre boards.. People are starting to follow me and I can waste hours away just looking at the pictures. I keep getting so inspired to work with a photographer.. One that is dark and seductive in his manner.. To match my mood. Hours later I'm still laying in the floor.. Pinning.. The boys are now watching true blood... Which is a crazy show about vampires in the south. I think harry might be a vampire... And the more I learn.. The more I think that I am a weirdo.
I showered and laid my shoulder on ice. It felt good to just lay on the cold to help the swelling. I have hurt myself over the past weeks.. And I keep making it worse. I try and stay up to write and edit some blogs.. But instead I fall asleep.