it is a wonder where to begin this day. i decided to skip sleep, it takes up too much time… the porch by the bay. one of the biggest cities in the world… and I'm sitting on a balcony with the orange lights from the ports.. the queen mary staring back at me.
gabriel.
is he a man?
i wouldn't believe that it was real if i hadn't been there myself. i think i should keep my mouth shut awhile… but i spilled a lot of the… thoughts from childhood. i told him things i hadn't thought about in a while.
i liked my outfit, i had to dress up in a way in order to intrigue me… give me energy. i was wearing the geometric black and white leggings i bought with AAron a while back, in feburary. and a big oversized sweater, my stella & dot arrow necklace. sneaker heels. we had a meeting first thing and i was completely exhausted. i couldn't even really focus and regretted not sleeping… but gabriel kept running through my mind. over and over i was replaying our conversation. his hands…
the meeting was a disaster. everyone showed up late… some employees where there. it is just hard. not much is going on, and as positive as i try and be… the reality is…. it is really hard. i decided to speak up and you could hear the pain in my voice, it may have been a little shaky.. but i had something to get across. things are not going that well and we are really slow. the place in quiet and the reputation is hard to build back.
we were busy the remainder of the day, it was a good thing because i was so tired that i needed to just keep going. i don't really remember my clients, i just know that i was loopy. i think i had a high light client.. and haircut maybe.
i took a nap on the couch while london watched the front desk… i fell asleep sitting up and it was funny to him. niya came in to talk for a minute.. and we planned to go to the art walk downtown later that night.
it was good that we went, drinking a quick shot of espesso from a cuban shop and walking around talking to the vendors. i saw matt and his girlfriend from mollyLA. and i also was able to talk to sarah the artist with the hummingbird paintings… we want to have her show in the store. also i bought a candle, 820 from two ladies… it smells like musk, sandal wood. we also were able to see a photography exhibit that i wish i had taken photos of her work. i want to go back and see it with gabriel but it is up only until june 22.
we were going to go out and get drinks but i was over it and wanted to just go home and go to sleep.
found these words in an old journal.
i am a worthy woman. worthy of marrying. i all be a sweet wife. if that day comes, he will be lucky. he needs to work for it, but for a lot of work, so that i know that he will be good for years. he has to want me in order for me to want him. i am worthy of being wanted. sought after. unforgettable. one guy tonight sarcastically said i was the one. too soon. too much. but i want to go to dinner with him. sober. I'm not completely sober, but I'm on another level & not everyone's with me. he seems to be "with me". we'll see. i like dinner. and conversation crazy, weird conversation. from now on its all me, every bit. jeffery bought me sweet orange sunglasses. keeps me on my toes. he has the best music. exactly what i want to listen to. i really like that. he is a good guy, means well & is a lot of fun. but i just can't have him falling love in with me. is it okay to say, "now don't go falling in love with me." i don't think that is appropriate. most likely not, but what needs to be put out there, so no feelings get hurt. kisses.
what do they mean? because i get a lot of those. i want to kiss your lips again. i can almost remember what it was like, especially that one night, week after we met. insane. but you know, i've worked hard to get where i am & now he has to work hard to have me.
it just can't be that easy. he has to always know that i am worth it.
everything he as to go through will be worth it because he'll have me & then it will be easier, together.
i don't want to sleep with him now because i want to sleep with him for years. so i'll wait, for all these years, i'll wait, because it will be exactly what we both want when it does happen. he says he wants it to mean something with me, and it will be. it will be what we both need and want because we waited, got to know each other & fell in love.
fallen in love with the good, the band & worse. once you've been there, you know. so in the mean time i'll focus on me & learning. surround myself with interesting and smart people so i'll learn from them. i want to meet my potential. i have everything it takes to be a good deal.
june 8 2011
No comments:
Post a Comment