sickness keeps me in my room. really it is just an excuse to stay in my bed. in the comfortable and safe haven of my room. i pay enough for it… i might as well stay here some and relax. the morning is slow and i feel like i "need" something. a human touch to release feelings… but i have none but myself.
please forgive me for i have sinned… as my day consist of brainstorming and scattered thoughts. my introverted ways come across to me today… i create a website. all the colors and design theme come to me quickly, as i always feel a sense of urgency about things. i feel that i need to hurry, that i'll waste time… forget something, or someone will steal my idea. its already happening, if i don't learn to keep my mouth shut. i spend hours laying out invisible lines of red and black, linking everything together. soon i will have to come out, but if designed correctly, i will be able to disquise what i need to in order for people to understand. i listen to a random soundtrack.. the starred set, i have twelve hundred songs. i rearrange silly plans and procrastinate on what i should be doing… eat a late lunch and then get ready to meet ali. her and i and ian go tuxedo shopping, well… renting. this is a boring thing, you can't really see anything.. i do know that i like a man in a suit, but like ali said "he has drama".
how do u find the drama free? well you don't immedialty sleep with them when you do find them.. thats for sure.
we take ian home and then a quick stop at ulta, i need foundation and mascara… the only two things i really use on my face. then we go grocery shopping. i am hungry and buy too much, but it is food.. and i do need it. but actually i do not. i could get buy with searching around, buying only a few things at a time.. if i was more futile. these moments i miss lindsey, i miss her, period.. she is that friend that just cheers you on.. always kept me moving.
i contemplate making a quick trip home in my mind, if i do, it will be sudden and last minute. just to see everyone, i need a minute to regroup again. to see familiar faces, see a band. work on a few creative projects.
but all the time is never enough.
i come home to find oliver and andrew making juice, i am excited about this because it is something that i need to learn how to do. it is good to get the nutrients.. and to have only liquid. my diet is slipping down a slippery slope, i need to get control of it.. soon. i am starting to notice the fat in my thighs, i know what they are destined for.. i might as well enjoy them now. i work out some, should've moved more… no more skipping yoga. that is just bad for the soul.
i spent my evening eating.. having some wine.. and showering. as usual i take forever in there, i just need a tub. i shave and condition my hair, after giving it a tiny trim, i hope that it will start to behave better. i try and get something, some release.. nothing.
i know what it is that i want. too bad it is nothing at all like what i need.
this is where i am stuck. scrambling and stuck in the corner.
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