sixty.

(I'm writing this is following morning. something i strive not to do.)

the ride to work was chilly, i think my tire is going flat so it makes it harder to bike. that's fine, the extra work is probably good for me. its cloudy again and the traffic is somewhat calm. listening to harry sing me songs, what much comfort that brings me. i get to work on time and I'm startled to see Robert, i suddenly remembered it was saturday… did i miss a meeting? no… i also forgot that i had a client first thing, my week is sideways. and everything is off. I'm very apathetic about all this, work in general. she is a repeat, one of my first clients when i arrived at the loft… paris & her mother. i wish that would've let her know that i wasn't feeling it… i wasn't thrilled with her hair either. with each passing day i feel like tammy, especially now that I'm doing younger girls hair and i can't relate with them anymore. i know that i am growing up, I'm almost a grown up. afterwards i wander about it and eat too much sugar and donuts, try and balance it with tea. things are getting weird. i don't feel that well and there is no where for me to escape in this building. i spend some time flipping through a magazine about how to enjoy LA, how to afford it… i stumble on an article about taking dancing lessons, the tango to be exact. this is something i have always wanted to do.. something so romantic and intimate, but it has nothing to do with sex. originating on the border of argentina and uruagray.. it spread to the US during the 1920s during the "romantic age". its a dance that requires a lot of submission from the woman, and leading of the man… i would imagine for it to actually work.. you would need to love that other person. i know that dancers claim you have dance partner… then lovers… i guess its no different than boyfriends and lovers.. its just not the same. who knows. i would like to find out. of course i thought about the people i would love to tango with… i know a few. i text austin, haven't heard from him in days.. since the last time. i am nervous but just need to crack the ice, he's letting me jump in first. "i've always wanted to learn how to tango."

i found this clever in my mind. it really was rhetorical and required no detail of emotion towards the other night. it was just a random thought that meant more than i would ever know.. a simple reminder that i wasn't setting everything on fire quite yet. i shouldn't be so paranoid, he's just like me. he is doing the same things that i am doing… he is just much more balanced. like london said.. "he's just taking a nap." ha. i eat some lunch and become very uninterested in the salon, basically over it and i fall asleep sitting up on the couch. niya comes in her with little puppy… jasper. and wakes me, she laughs. girl, what are you doing. we go for a walk around the neighborhood… the sun is out and it feels nice. our stroll is slow, her puppy would've preferred us go faster… but i wanted to take a look around at my surroundings. we have small talk about boys and woe is our silly lives. busy with boys, school and work… and trying on clothes. i want to help her with this store, i really like it… it has so much character and potential. soon i will be able to help her, i could see us working together. she makes me feel better, its nice to have a friend, it's like we've been friends for awhile. after wandering about for an hour or so…austin returns my text.

 "teach me when you do". 

a rush of relief poors over me, i think this means that everything is going to be okay with us. it is still just casual, neither of us should leave, as a matter of fact… we are not going to leave, this only makes us stronger. i want to be with him.

i walk in to a salon that is quieter than i left it. such a slow saturday afternoon. i stand around and kill time again, i should be doing more.. but i have no purpose there right now… that is a lame excuse. we leave early and i am glad that i can bike home before it gets dark. the little things excite me. back to harry's songs… his voice is something i could be with for years. its just so perfect. so blend able that he sounds like every artist i've ever heard, that has to mean something. so cocky and humble and multi talented. he is like no other human i have or ever will encounter. but i believe the strings are vast… another soul can still connect to me, and same for him I'm sure. 

i receive my stella and dot "tools". or jewelry, it is sort of exciting but i have to work for it now. it shouldnt be that over whelming.

fifty.nine.

it wasn't so hard to wake up early this morning. i was excited about the day. a chance to see vidiya, we haven't had a class with her in awhile. i was willing to wake up with the sun just to see her. i took a moment to read a bible poem… I'm reconsidering my morning routine. i met ali at 3rd place, it was cool and cloudy outside, her gray car blended in, i didn't even see her for a minute. this is a good way to start the morning. making my day seem like it took an eternity. he's doing this for good reason, i have to trust him. 

we show up and no vidiya. you can her the disappointment in ali's voice… after we had just heard the smallest moment at a workout class. "i will punch you in the face…" excuse me. we walk in to be greeted by simon. he is a lovely black man, dreads piled on his head. i was very excited about this. we rushed in and settled a few places apart. i sat up for a while to grasp my thoughts, struggling to stay in the present. his voice and body description plan was perfect. effortless and strong. that is how he made me feel… i haven't felt that fluid since anne. it was nice to have something to look up to.. he corrected me a lot today. i needed it… its like i was standing on the edge and couldn't push myself anymore. he helped me. this a bealutufil way to start the morning, streching out and letting the blood flow. it fixs things, if people want to know your answer, its very simple. take care of yourself.

i showed london my note that i wrote myself march 28 2011…do not fall in love with a rockstar… divine inspiration… and have a bag packed, ready for the airport.

i should do that tonight.

the girls laugh about this, but it is true and good advice that i needed to hear. i tend to fall in love with… projects. 

the day last forever and the phone hardly rings. i decide to leave the scene and disappear to the porch, for a very long while. i was able to talk to all my favorite people today. it was actually a really fun day. i talked to mom, she was on her way to go shopping with leanne. i told her about austin, i couldn't help it. i just felt that need to share, i mean the rest of what i have going on right now is kinda boring. i talked to chris as well. he is such a stable soul in my life, the early years when he would just play guitar to me over the phone, i think i was in the seventh or eight grade .it was such a blessing.. then i called beck, no answer.. so lindsey. i screamed when i heard her voice. it was such a blessing to be with her last summer. i am so sorry and promise i will never betray a friend like that again. she is so amazing and a chilling staple in my life. i've missed her voice. she cheered me on but quickly had to go have dinner. perfect timing… becky called and she was so excited to talk. just getting off work… friday afternoon. we caught up and shared a few stories. she is falling in love with jackson. he is a good one. I'm glad she has him, we are all connecting and staying with people now… its a good thing for the world. single is a rebellion in a way. not willing to compromise. 

all of my conversation ended with a walk in from yesterday, she wanted her bangs shorter, which is fine. they are a tough thing to keep up with… i had to pass up a blow out to redo another color. but honestly it was fine, i wasn't thrilled with all the chemicals. i'll pass on that. the day flowed nicely, an awkward mens haircut, i just don't give hugs after haircuts.. that is pretty simple. he said i was cutting his hair too short… oh well. i spent some time curling a women's hair, it was something that i hope made her feel better. london returned with good news, he bought a chicken and boiled it… me made us a really good dinner. this skinny girl can eat sometimes. I'm just like a floating orphan. our walk down the street was nice, its good to change it up a bit. he enjoys my company, i enjoy his. his house was cute, small but nice. not that organized and loriane (the silver and white pit) was a pretty sight. she had a good personality, a creature to pass the time. we put on some music and he cooked me dinner. i sat at the table and watched and learned how to cook. he is southern gentleman, adopting a little girl from north carolina. he made me tea in a teal old tea pot, that fit my fingers perfectly. the tea i chose was something that i had had in my past… i don't quite recall the exact details. but i smelled it and i could sense the place… sort of. it reminded me of mimi and she quickly became the topic of night. my music was all over the place… changed it to jazz before the meal. we looked at this "laboratory". he has good creations, with some inspiration and some fun we could make really cool stuff together. clothes and fabric, a world that i would love to get involved with. one day at a time. 

the food was so good, i think it is exactly what i needed. i was feeling so anxious and dizzy. my teeth hurt from brushing, they aren't white enough anymore… and i need to floss more. i was almost done with my meal when glen (his husband) came home. he is a quiet guy at first… i learned a bit of his story. he is an intelligent man, and he said something that sparked my interest about faith. once you test it and you see it stands true, that i faith… something like that. london said some random things… we discussed austin a bit more. "you guys will be like mickey and mallory knox, like from natural borne killer… not as drugged out as sid & nancy…" we will do amazing things together.. if only we were not like adam and eve and tasted our pleasure so soon. it builds unnesscary walls and now i feel… just weird. but i liked it… like wolves. howling at the moon. that is who we are, i asked for forgiveness. i know that i have sinned. thinking about it gives me energy and drains me dry… distracts me from the main objective. i failed the test. i know that i have… and i must live in my present now.

we walked a few blocks with loriane to cafe neo. it was a quaint place on the corner, a jagged yellow building to have dessert. sitting outside i was a bit chilly, it is only march. we had cheesecake and mousse, a cup of coffee. i shared a few stories… i guess i can be a bit interesting. his name reappears again. glen mentions he heard that name twice today, that must mean something.

the two sided gemini. i know all their sides too well.. i hope he is a good guy.

the blood stains on my chest tell me otherwise.

i share the funny parts… if only i had a movie. but stories change often and are kinda the same. i wish i would've had more fun, instead of being so calm and dramatically boring. thats how i am.. standing in awe of god's creation the entire time… and not knowing when i would see my family and friends again… love sickness… that all played a factor in me having a hard time just letting go.

i hardly ever let go honestly. we walk back after i tell an exgarrerated story about halloween night. this story is NEVER to be told again. i will keep my mouth shut. 

there is so much more to know.. "there always is."

they graciously take me home, bayside so i can meet my roomies to watch "our" show. shameless. i am kinda late and can't seem to focus. i suppose the caffeine did it… but i was falling asleep and bored. at this point in my life i have no time to spend watching tv. i've seen enough today. i need to stop chasing fame and look for infamous. this is where i belong, and I'm bringing my friends and lovers with me.

fifty.eight.

my schedule was off already this morning, but that was ok… it was easier to wake up. i couldn't recall my dreams so much, i think harry was there. i don't know. my ride was nice, someone purer-mystery jets is such a beautiful song, seems i can't hear it too many times. it was cool out and breezy, another tough ride. but it is becoming easier everyday, sooner or later i'll have to find a longer route. its a quick one, some what zoned out.. dangerous on a bike, but it is a sign that it is all becoming habit. 

i got to work early, but still not early enough. soon i will find the right timing. it'll probably require another trip home. i had a grin on my face, couldn't help hide my hilariousness. seeing london and thinking back to how dramatic i was the entire time, I can be a bit much. he looks different in the eyes now… i haven't seen him in a few days. i honestly miss him, one day we will have a house together, where we have staff and design clothes… traveling around, dressing people. sharing the beauty and sense of where a bouts. teaching… structure. is it reality? i try and stay busy, up and down the stairs, i feel restless .. spending a few minutes to write and sit outside. i get a few minutes with alex on the deck, that is a beautiful thing. talking with him… later in the evening i read several journal entires from 2011… many years back in a few first six months of knowing each other. i was so in love with him… he had a recording studio… oh the love. then he quickly betrayed me and wrote me off so quickly over something someone said. so crazy. but i left a note for myself… before i even knew what i was doing. "do not fall in love with a rockstar. its all lies". wow

he is getting better, I'm so thankful that we are still together. 

after i got off the phone… i told london that i thought god had sent me an angel, i had prayed really hard for him. "yes, i believe he did".

i thought about that kid quite a bit today, i did manage to discuss him with a few people, i mean i dunno. i just really like him. then tupper called me, he had just got off the phone with harry. he was excited about the band and the summer outer banks tour. tupper was calling to fill me in on the tour dates and what would be happening. i felt flattered really, I'm so ready for this project, this is what i love. if we sit back and let it slip away worrying with financial security, we will never live. i don't think money is going to matter anyway. we chatted for awhile, i was so excited just thinking about it. i might want to try and rearrange a few things to be able to get home and see everyone. all the boys. all the girls. all my friends. the motivation what brought me here. 

spontaneous adventure with ali this evening. i was able to leave work a little bit earlier bike before sunset. i managed to talk with claudia only a short bit about how much i admired austin. "i wouldn't have introduced you two if i didn't think it would be good." she knows more than we give her credit for… "he couldn't stop talking about how much he loves your hair".

cute.

i walked to see the sunset waiting on ali this evening, the colors were so bright, a variety of yellow orange dark pinks and blue . a sight you have to see to believe, not captured by a photo. i was just looking out into the bay when a guy and what appeared to be his father pulled up and the older man went down the stairs with a camera. the younger guy had amazing blue eyes… i couldn't help but look. he looked over after a minute. "what are those islands?…" not islands at all, they are oil rigs, covered with palm trees to make it seem more appealing. i asked him where he was from… texas, alabama, louisiana… huh. i told him i was from north carolina. he went to get in his car and the other man started looking around and asking about the islands as well, he got out of his car and started telling him the story.. i looked over and noticed ali. "there is my ride, its was nice meeting you… my name is tehra". "you too, Ryan". i handed him my card and ran to ali's car. you just never know when you are going to have a life changing encounter, take each one with great importance.

we when down one of the major freeways to a maze like david's bridal. it was kinda snotty… the usual. they were out of fitting rooms, we got her one anyway. after a few shots at size eight dresses, i grabbed three more, the first one being "the one". something os beautiful and simple. i was proud of myself. i know how to fit ali, after all, she is my best friend. it was really fun evening, speed shopping, seriously what girl finds a wedding dress in an hour? the black sash says it all… ali is so gothic. the whole experience reminded me of how i love dresses, lingerie and playing dress up. it's literally what i am good at. dressing up in clothes with women. then we went to have dinner at a place called islands…it was cute. like tropical island get away. we both order the passion tea and split an amazing spicy burger. i love our meals together. i am so thankful for her all the time. we laughed about so many things, it was just fun to to that together. I'm glad i was here for her. she has been really good at being there for me over the last few years. 

back home.. the moon is still so bright and beautiful. reminds me again of the other night. i have an idea for a drawing, but once on paper it is so different than how i imagined it to be. that is usually how it goes. it took me other a few hours to add all the detail. i'm becoming more satisfied with the outcomes of my sketches, they are becoming to look closer to those they are inspired by. it will be good to do these more often. it will only get better. i think i like him more than i realize. its time to focus on myself again, and to write harry another letter. we both need it i suppose. 

fifty.seven.

only twenty.four hours ago, seems like it never happened.

he is like a dream, that suddenly appeared into my life. he seemed real, but i think he was only a mirage.

i slept way too late into the afternoon again. i need not make this a habit, i need to be out in the world. but i enjoy my dark room of solitude, i enjoy just laying in bed.  i spent some time just catching up on writing, then ate lunch. i was waiting for ali to get off work, i felt like exercising, but ali wasn't that into it today. we actually need to be doing a lot more yoga if we are serious about staying in shape.  i biked to her place, first stopping by the bicycle shop to see if he would fill up my tire with air… but he was closed.

the day was nice and sunny, ali and i sat on the porch for hours… a glass of white wine. she wanted to know the details of the night, there were so many.

i tried to stay calm about the whole ordeal, but with her… it's hard to contain my feelings.  expressing my feelings of happiness and regret. everything IS different now… we have lost the innocence of the friendship and quickly fast forwarded to … something so much more. she reassured me that waiting isn't always the answer, if it was done out of love, then it's a whole nother story. our story will be, never ending perhaps.

after much debate we moved onto lighter subjects, like laughing about our past lives of being young, wild and in hair school. what a fun life we have both had, our decisions have led us here, together… living this life of happiness.  if only we had just one photo or even video of those days it would spark memories, but it all actually happened and created who we are today, so i'd say that that was enough.

i have a new sense of self today, i felt like i was put in my place. at times i say all too much, it is very blunt and honest.  i can not take back the words i say aloud. i told him to push harder, asked him if he could keep up… we'll see. he did the best thing ever for me today.. kept me waiting. i didn't hear a word. he has his own life and i love that. 

fifty.six.

i slept in, in my dark cave room, i can see that this will be trouble… no sunlight to drag me from my comfortable corner. i wasn't sleeping near my phone, so it didn't have a chance to wake from all the text messages. very first thing i had plans and decisions to make. i had been putting a few things off for awhile, but i suppose that its now or never from now on. i signed onto stella & dot, that should be a fun project and i hope that it gets me a few clients. i also scored a few cool pieces that should hopefully spark a few conversations and make a party or two. I'm nervous about it, its a new business, something else for me to put my energy and time into… not too bad of a job. while all this is happening, austin is texting me… i was supposed to be getting a tattoo this evening but just as he was asking me out to dinner she was canceling those plans. i got just a few errands done for the day, some laundry and cleaning up… i cooked myself a really nice lunch with the remainder of food that i have here. i'd used up most of the day already. i discovered a cool band on instagram… thao & the east down get down… it played the perfect songs that i hadn't heard before…and the soundtrack inspired me to draw for awhile. the music is so calming, upbeat and perfect. its the simple sparks of music… that provoke so much feeling and thought.  ali came over with syd for a minute to hang out.. before i was off to my dinner date. i pulled my hair up and wore my favorite striped shirt… tie dye scarf and volcom jeans. my favorite things… something comfortable, its all just casual. claudia called and said the time was now for me to meet her and austin at the salon. he was getting a haircut… my day off i didn't exactly want to be there… but it was worth it to see him.  i showed up sweaty and nervous, trying to contain my feelings… and act natural. its always weird being there when I'm not working.. like its a different place. we all piled into his truck, he loved my bike, thank goodness because we had to drag it around all night. it smelled like such good greenery in his pre runner… toyota boys… oh how i like them. tacos near her house on anaheim and obsispo. the little place was authentic and for dollar taco tuesday, it wasn't that too bad of food.  then we piled in again and ventured to her house, funny the conversations we had.. i like clauida a lot, she reminds me of olesya… its a beautiful thing. she is such a mess, but its a lovely thing to love her. after some party favors, we chose a scary movie to watch. the movie wasn't that great… but it was perfect that austin and i could sit close to one another.

alittle vodka and orange juice… ninety minutes later and we were as if we've done this all before. it just felt natural. his hands fit on my shoulder, i liked how he scratched my back some. he has a calm sense about him that i can't help but… want to be around.

this all spells trouble for me. he reminds me of all the people, places and things that i love. how does just one person do that to you? he is a gemini… not that it really matters. most of my longer relationships were also gemini's… something about multiple personalities, i really enjoy the excitement. except he seems to be… oh so different. this kid is a musician, a lover and a fighter. his job, and how much he loves it… blows my mind. he is just the nicest guy i know… but i would never as much describe him as "nice". he is charming… peaceful and full of life, something exciting that i just cringe and want to cling to… what will we be like together?

we leave and walk back to his truck in the dark, admiring a few things. he points out a purple tree with bellflowers…a lovely lilac. the moon is full and shines down, casting shadows, brightening the darkness of the evening. we laugh and decide that my ocean front place is were we will spend more time together…  he takes me on a tour through signal hill, you can see lights for miles… "I'm gonna try to not be a tour guide." but i enjoyed it so much. what's crazy is how surrounded we were… and how that was where he went to get away. he grew up in long beach, i love that about him. back to the oceanside, it was wild to see all the lights that lead us back to the bay…. we drove around for awhile trying to find somewhere to park. apparently parking here is impossible, we figured that out. he has the patience of a saint, i was so thankful for this. we drove around and around, listening to music and getting to know each other. finally, we found a spot way too small…but with my help we figured it out. city life is nice… "you just have to walk like you are supposed to be somewhere." the stroll was good. i was excited to show him my place, it is something i take pride in now, considering i spend everything dollar i have to be here. I'm so broke.. but to live this comfortably, that is worth being poor about. 

we laid around and talked about our lives, he liked the art…said he thought i had the name of a rockstar... i introduced him to daniel and ian. they have high energy and are probably confused about who he is to me.. either way. we had a glass of whiskey water and sat on the porch… got a little high. i've been waiting for this moment, I'm so thankful it was with him. the moon was so bright and lovely to stare at, directly in front of us over the bay. our conversation just flows.. it makes perfect sense. I'm not bored with him. his calm voice exhilarates me, i just want to know more. he expressed the same feelings about me "i hardly remember any of the details that people say.. but i remember what you say…you must be that interesting".

i feel the same way. then we realized that we had the same dream. he wants to travel across the country with a band, stopping to play venues all along the way. i know this dream, i have it too, except i was filling the people in from home, but what if thats now who i'll be taking the trip with… funny how things fall into place. its just not time yet.

we cuddled together and it finally got chilly enough to where we had to go inside.

i knew that boys in my room equalled trouble.. and it being like three in the morning. we were slow to kiss. i made sure to drag it out as long as possible… it felt natural. 

everything felt so… normal. like we just had to do it, we owed that to ourselves to enjoy each other's bodies, i think they were made for each other. it became escalated fast, it didn't help.. my actions when it comes to making out with people. i turn the entire event into a fest of eroctic nonsense, like its our favorite show. i didn't plan for this at all. i actually wasn't planning on doing much more than just kissing him… he was making me nervous how much i wanted to just be.. with him.

it startled me honestly. i think that sex is the destroyer of relationships, but only if its done in the wrong context. i think that if it is out of love, the let down is a bit more gentle. in my past i have had all kinds, he probably assumes that all my past in a burning field of chaos… my sex life is a bit like that. i told him that i wasn't planning on sex, i actually wanted to wait. i wanted to drag this out with him… he said he was usually that character as well in this scene. but this time… it was different. "the world might end if we do this" i said. so we gave it a chance. the moment was slow… i led up to it by drinking out of a glass with number 1, he had two… he thinks that it is a sexy number… 27….72. i kissed the back of his neck and lost the remainder of the lights.. and clothes. i guess the soundtrack being perfect… was perfect. right before it all happened… he whispered "try and let something happen".

i try and keep the mystery, i wanted to tell him so much more, to tell him everything actually. about how weird and crazy i am, about how i study sex and love the lord so much that i am trying to live righteously, but now i see how impossible that seems… i understand why our world is in turmoil. because of the same feelings that we felt, together. i decided to cave, i decided to give up so easily from my abstinence… sex will save us after all.

it felt like something that was supposed to belong in our lives. i frustrated myself the whole time as usual.. i wasn't exactly able to relax. i think i only enjoy the "leading upto part". but to have the feeling of someone inside me again, that is something i wanted for myself.

my self discipline is a mess now. seeing his mouth and teeth, oh my goodness his teeth are something i could look at for awhile. his lips are nice, they are not perfect, but i like that more now.. everything about it was quite surreal. it was a moment at three.thirty that i don't regret. i can't, it was real. it was something that meant we cared… about having feelings together. it was romantic, in it's dirty human bodies… our souls could have that moment together. i couldn't finish, as usual it began to hurt and i don't know how the finish line feels anyway. i think i get closer each time, i know that love will play a factor in me actually seeing… pleasure.  but not what? did i give it all away… for a few minutes of not so much pleasure.

to see him over me, holding onto me. his shoulders have a strange bone that sticks out on either side, i've not seen this before… he laughed "people have called me a demon" ha. he is far from it… but that is also how they get by… with their evil beauty.  leading me away from my main source of … life.

i felt like i was going to be sick… their were too many emotions and feelings happening. too much racing around in my mind. i had just given up my soul. to this kid i met only three days ago… but he consumed my brain immediately. i wanted to place my hand on every inch of him. he reminds me of ashton. that is a beautiful compliment now that i look back. 

he stayed with me. we fell sleep … me on top. he knows how to calmly move his hands about… bless his heart, he had to be up early for work. the diligence of this boy.. doing what he loves. the children are the future, i admire this about him. he is too much of an angel for me to get involved, he thinks the same about me. our slumber was short, but it was beautiful. you could begin to hear the birds chirping about, a silver of light through the blinds. he got up and ran his hands along me. i could feel that this was… real. he kissed me a few times, his hair hanging in his eyes… what we discussed is blurry, i was mostly asleep… i remember looking at him laughing because i had left the keys in the door… that was "locked". see… thats something i do in carolina. maybe i don't belong in california forever.. but for now… he makes it feel a little more… better. "have a good day austin". 

fifty.five.

this day would be different.

i woke up early, with a sense of exhaustion and stillness. i was able to get out of bed easier, ahead of time, almost.

i had to pack a new book bag, this one is much more comfortable. the cool foggy weather made the city seem somewhat desolate. i wasn't sure what way to feel, quickly i was going up and down. my soundtrack to work was wonderful, many of my favorite songs shuffling through… "furr" being one of them. i knew that everything was going to be … never the same again. starting today. i thought about silly things, like boys. I'm still not convinced that harry is gone, i can still feel him in my thoughts, today only a bit less. its a weird feeling because i am still almost certain that it will all work out. but i know how quickly a plan can change, and how one hello can shift everything. 

i must point out a few details that i left off about yesterday. as if i don't already believe that life is a choreographed dance, we almost ran right into each other at the doorway of the theatre. a velvet curtain separating us. he showed up to the after party… i remember the exact look he gave me, just above his glasses. there is a calm coolness about him. something so soft and delicate, but with the most powerful solidness. like platinum.

he said something that made me feel amazing. "something interesting was said about you, london referred to you as his muse… if this is the case, a man like him saying that about you… you must be special". i was amazed. perhaps london and i… our love runs deeper than most will understand. austin could see this, immediately.

i arrived at work weary and somehow thought a locked door was locked… trish came downstairs and helped me in, even though i could've just walked in the door myself. the place was a wreck and i tried to get there early, but i only made it by ten minutes, which technicaly is still late. i could feel an eerie quiet. it just didn't feel right.  the trail that was left behind was so bad. i walked to put my bike out back and noticed that london had left his glass and cigar on the counter. i could smell the sour… his leather jacket and hat placed neatly on the chair beside his. trish gathered a few lost things, a cell phone and an earring. his station was spilled over everywhere, his name plate on the floor.

i sat down and discussed my horrid feeling, my hand on my heart. i became so overwhelmingly upset, and frustrated. this can't be happening. for some reason i assumed the worse, i could picture the remainder of my life without him. i didn't want to see this life anymore. i slowly walked out back and tried to put together more of the pieces, somehow i stayed so calm. almost tranquilized. i walked to the edge of the porch and knelt down, into the fettle position and began to cry. "please don't take him from me yet, not yet." i cried and prayed, open my eyes to see my guitar pick… reality is negotiable. yes, yes indeed every second of it is…

she came out to see me, "you have a client". i know she had to have been a bit confused, but so was i. i could picture losing him, it hurt too much. i was begging, not yet. 

i thought about so much and fear took over. 

life without london. wow how that would shift a few things around. i was able to compose myself enough to give so much away to my clients today. 

the first one was a passionate woman, but her looks did not match her. she seemed just tired and malnourished, I'm not sure. her hair was thin and gray, her complexion as nice, but very bland. she was immediately in love with me… but i could sense that she needed me, so i fought through all my emotion and tried to focus. it wasn't about the hair, it was about the conversation. the next girl was one of london's clients, her hair was so textured and thick that i couldn't even imagine that i could get the outcome i was able to achieve. it took so much time and effort, but the end result was very straingt, i may have taken a bit much from the cut, but her hair was so damaged.she was in high school and after some short conversation, i wasn't engaged anymore and couldn't interest her with a story. i didn't feel like talking about anything, i guess i could've utilized my time better?

we got the call that london was alive and was going to skip work… i couldn't have pictured seeing him anyway.

i placed his hat and coat up on his hanger, to keep it all alive and organized. i tried to focus on my day and be happy and positive, but i couldn't so well. tami came back today and between her and dori's negative energy, i was exhausted and over hearing about it.

i wonder what is really bothering them? is this life just not enough for them to be happy?

i fell asleep sitting up on the porch today, it was cold, so i sat in the most sunshine i could find, napping for about an hour. 

my last haircut was nice, a guy who is a repeat. he's cute, older and probably very successful, he asked to hang out sometime. i dunno, i say no at first usually to try and prevent it from being harder to say no later. this is why only gay relationships with men are possible with me. its all the commitment and love i can handle.

i try and get out of there, but i feel gilty for leaving, but i think nine hours in a salon is enough. this is a "job"

i catch the end of a sunset and get home just in time to eat with oliver and andrew. they have been cooking the most delicious vegetarian meals lately and I'm thankful they share.

feeling drained and stoned, i sat on the couch and watched two "chick flicks"... someimtes its just inevitable. both being cute, the second was a good depiction of how traveling the country is like. seeing a few land marks and sights that i have seen before. 

i still can't believe that we pulled something like that off.. and so gracefully. i regret not having more fun… but i am just so melodramatic that you can't tell my emotions, i have a poker face of champions. the still silhouette of my emotion will come in handy more in the furute. i regret very few things.

all of this is a dream with in a dream.

its as if i've been here all along,

only the time has changed

and an era has come and gone.

very impressed. he kept running around in my mind. i wonder if he'll be a staple or a fad.

I'm going to guess the latter.

either way, i want to stare into his eyes again.

i wasnt planning on this 

he wasn't supposed to appear so soon

and now i must cut ties.

tightening the strings for just one more time, 

one more time to experience his song…

his dream, within my dream.

fifty.four.

before i even came to terms what was happening… it had already happened.

i woke up so early, had to be at the salon by 8am and that was tough. i listened to ichymane and got myself in the right mind set to deal with a fashion show. the ride was quite and peaceful, something about sunday morning is so… romantic.

the chaos arrived around eight thirty, several girls to get ready. they were all very beautiful, we found unigue styles for all of them. they is what i came to california to do… and somehow things just weren't coming together with her hair. its like i wasn't inspired, i did talk about myself probably too much…but they seem to genuinly want to hear about the crazy road trip.

austin was sitting in london's chair… he styled his hair like a cherub, he really is an angel.

the show time snuck up on us and we headed over the the art thearte on 4th. it was a cool venue, i would love to see a show, maybe even a picture show… i prefer music.

i couldn't help but to notice when he walked by me. i could feel his eyes, i wanted to sit and talk to him. the show was really unorganized but overall it was a fun event. it gave us time as a salon to bond and come together… the after party was exciting, i was so glad that we did that. it was a safe place to just party and hang out… london gave me ecstasy. i haven't done it in almost a year, seems the spring is always a good time to "clear" the mental space. i can feel feelings again, sometimes it takes just a little natural high to push you down a mountainside.

i immediately was drawn to his presence. i walked over to get a drink with him.. maybe some food, talk about his hair. somehow… so quickly, we were sitting side by side and everyone began to notice and comment on how engaged we were with each other… 48% of us needed to keep our sunglasses on. i loved looking into his eyes and feeling the ease that was his… body. you could say that it was love at first sight, except it has nothing to do with love yet. 

i like where he comes from, his past seems calm but emotional, he seems spiritual… enough about that. i need to escape to the present. i need to learn to not over analyze, as fun as it my be.

consume your time with… art. i couldn't seem to be able to grasp the beauty in all of this "trip".

i was so thankful that ali came to hang out with me, she is such a love of mine. perfect timing, ian went out of town and now we can be best friends again,,, sleepover! she was laughing at my state of body and mind, my pupils told the story. i wanted the night to last a lot longer, but he had to head off to practice with the band. ali and i had a light dinnder at a cafe close by. it was the most visually appealing place, like an indoor outdoor cafe. the food was amazing but i wasn't able to eat. i just kept drinking water, maybe too much… too much of a good thing. we rode home together and that was so lovely, it gets old only relying on yourself. i need to help of others right now. i prayed for someone like him.. 

I'm just not ready to let go yet.

i want to paint about it, but I'm so tired. what a shame to waste this collidacolors source of creativity. but my brain is exhausted and i am anxious for the future.i love this life.

fifty.three.

i had to get up really early, or what seemed very early to go to a meeting. it seemed early yesterday… i got ready quickly, sleeping until the very last minute. my ride to work was windy and a bit chiller than i had expected, i was so tired. i keep staying up too late and drinking too much for the events that i have to perform in the morning.  a lot of the staff was late for the meeting… we covered what was expected of us and how the events of sunday would take place. also how we needed to have everything cleaned… i had a slow day. not that many clients.. the other girls had a few walk ins. one men's haircut, the rest of the time i was trying to find things to do to stay busy. i spent some time online, but i was just so bored and tired of being stuck in that business. i can see that full time is going to make me insane. i managed to get out of there early… i had made plans with jason earlier in the week to go to church. i didn't want to cancel with him. it was pleasant to just leave… all the salon negativity and chaos behind, biking back to the sea during the sunlight. 

i changed a few times, trying to stay comfortable but fancy, a maxi skirt will do just fine. i call him, let him know I'm ready, trying not to make him wait. this is already a fragile situation, he hardly knows me and he's picking me up to go to church. when he arrives, I'm surprised by his vehicle, and his politeness. our conversation flows nicely… he is probably surprised by my confidence… i don't know. we go to chronic tacos… its fast and  close by. we catch up for a few minutes while eating, "you like sports?" no…. 

the church isn't as i had expected, it reminded me of familiar placees… big stage, bright pretty colors, very new. they serve coffee… that you can't take inside though.

the crowd is older than i expected as well. singing a bit, I'm bored with the band.

its' all very bland and safe, but that is comforting in itself.

the sermon is odd and i am convinced he is preaching to me. the preacher decided to extend the series on revelations… the book that for tells the future. this books gets me, i read it when i was too young, i remember a sermon that mr. tom preached on the matter and i decided to take it a step further while i was reading left behind. all this was too real for me, to be that young and already begin worry about mankind. all of mankind just disappearing… that is left? all the beautiful, good people? no… hell is left once all of the saved are taken.

i listen to the sermon well, taking notes… its worth remembering and writing about. I'm not going to worry about this "event" anymore, there is no telling when that time will come.

our talk on the way home was refreshing, talking about the sermon and how both of us felt. we have similar views about society, how the breakdown of revelations is beginning… it has already begun. i try not to startle him too much with my craziness…but at least he understands the relevance.

i go home and i am immediately greeted by people waiting by the gate to see my roommates, i assume these are the guest for the cookout. i am sure that i have met a few of them before. its nice to come home to things happening, I'm very thankful that they allow me to join them in all their festivities. dinner is lovely, i don't eat enough and i somehow drink too much. walking around with a coffee mug.. water and whiskey. you an smell it, guess that means its too strong. the guys are really curious about me… one guy in particular who just got saved. he said i have such a calming energy… "its like a slap in the face". i believe is how he described it… a "gyspy or hippie" yea…. i am able to get to know them some more, other guys that i had just met only once, rex and miguel, i wanted to get to know them more. interesting couple. god seems to be the topic, thats how it usually is for me now.

i was thankful that we watched some of the critters videos, now the songs are stuck in my head again. he is beautiful, and gay guys love him. they said the songs were catchy and daniel even chimed in that i was the most organized in the group… i think that if we just stay on the same page for as long as possible… we can make things happen. 

he is just so "charming". the handsome devil. 

i spend some time getting high… on the porch. this is where i was able to get a bit "deep" with my thoughts. i wasn't able to record many of them before falling asleep. i just know that i like to convince people or sell things when I'm drunk… i tried selling yoga and religion last night. i think it makes all the difference. like tom said… "there has to be more to life than just waking up and going to work.."

fifty.two.

journal recap, one year ago:

today i wake up thinking about sterling, wish he was beside me. i wanted to feel a human inside me… beside me, this morning. i wanted him. work… saw joey in his green neon polo walking into work.. why must i always be reminded of him? everyday. he has done something with my mind. hurried through work, good day. ready for music. i was stuck on the arctic monkeys in november. i think i discovered them right around tonsil surgery time… stuck on them. best most sarcastic lyrics. so witty & devilish. so real & blunt. his voice. the change in tempo and extremeness. oh yea. and they are from the uk. i was so stuck right before joey blew my mind with trippy drugged out naked and famous. he didn't like the arctic monkeys.. but the black keys tonight. wow. i can't believe i saw those two artist in one place… so amazing. the lights where phenomenal. they really thought all of them out well … i remember  the night i walked upstairs and he was listening to el camino, it was the day the album was released… december. so good, surround sound. he was painting. i fell in love. to hear it live tonight. tops off all my past with the black keys. sex to their music. yes. "run right back to her"… that one is true. the music tonight makes me feel badass. like i could accomplish anything. drive across the county, seduce the lead singer… be stunning and fabulous. i want to see them again. those dirty british boys. oh how shall i meet you? go to the uk of course. sign me up. i need to work for a job that sends me places. dear lord. please send me traveling, capturing the beauty that is our earth that you created yourself. i want to enjoy the beauty.

i should be sleeping.

getting up this morning was much easier. the day was so long that waking up seemed like ages ago. thats a good day though, getting things accomplished. i wore a fun outfit today, striped top, and my bleached acid wash jeans… they have seen some fun times. brown and black, i break the rules. a coach bag and a pair of black suede penny loafers. 

my ride to work was nice, but i was "just"on time. barely making it at ten. i used to be on time, yes this is true..and i used to do things around the salon, only a few months and I'm already bored and tired. i am very sorry for this… but it is how i feel. i get to spend time with ian this morning, it was nice cutting his hair, he is a good guy. i have to give him that one. then i had a break to spend time with shannon and dori's client. her name was christine, she reminded me of someone i have met before… beautiful woman. i wanted to makeover her red, but she sparked an interest in me. god had mysterious plans… the unravel each moment. another client of mine was just tall and lovely, a lawyer. she seemed serious, but i could see in her eyes that she was once lively woman. her hair was fine, i gave her a nice cut… and she reassured me that i was living life to the fullest. giving me advice. the thing about califonia… there are so many people that you are never sure if you'll meet the same one again. i get bored and wander down the street to spend time with niya at her shop. i enjoy her company… and her little boutique attached to the coffee shop. its just a perfect location. and my goodness that girl works hard. we are twenty five and sat and giggled over boys for an hour… so many to choose from. i'll be dreaming about the same one for awhile.

she made me the perfect drink.. half coffee/half chi tea and some cream… mmmm. the chiya. then we went to have shots at reno… whiskey and a dash of water. the sugar keeps me going, the alcohol takes the edge off the day. i need to be back and work, i can feel it. they are having a meeting outside and i walk in just in time.. "want to be a platform artist for the fashion show?" sure. i've always wanted that. then i had a walk in this evening, i was glad i took her. i tried to make her hair the best as possible, her husband is sick and she just needed a break. it's almost like we are doctors… chemist… healers of sorts. london once again called me his muse. and starts to laugh when i tell him that i will live in a castle. i wait for this day… and i'll have him as part of my life… along with all my friends. dreams.. i was ready to leave, tired and i still had to bike home. but i regret not staying…. but after fitting in a men's haircut and a color, i was just ready to go and be done. but it wasn't fair to leave claudia there for so long by herself, hopefully she was okay. i just didn't think about her so much earlier…it wasn't til i dwelled about it. i wanted to come home and paint. this girl… the blood..  her naked, raw self asking for forgiveness. she is not good enough.

i want her to look real… my creations piss me off.

i wash my broken out face, but i am going to be okay.

oh, i almost forgot…right before the shot of whiskey, jason called me. invited me to church. i was sure that i couldn't make it, but i think somehow i will make it work. somehow…all things work out.

and my painting is mediocre because something else has to be better about me i suppose.

these dreams? they tell the future. do they? or do they just help me cope with the past, to prepare for what is to come.

i pray that he keeps me safe.

fifty.one.

he shed his blood for me. the least i can do is be thankful.

i woke up late and couldn't get motivated. this seems to be the trend the last few days.. not much motivation.

i was able to get ready… but not in a timely manner. my face is acting up and that makes me stare in the mirror longer… takes up too much time.

i don't have much motivation with clothes.. they bore me today. i wear things that are comfortable, clothes that have been around for awhile. the sun is out and it is going to be a beautiful day in california. my ride to work is nice, the wind is blowing just a little bit. i can feel that i am tired, drained even.. my legs are sore. i start to think too much, i try and stay in the present… but i can't. i become overwhelmed with thoughts.. maybe mainly of dad, and i began to cry. its a lot more difficult to cry and ride a bike. the tears are always followed with laughter with how silly i am… that i let the guys landscaping see me cry like that.

i get to work and it is immediate chaos, i try and smile and get my bike up the stairs without anyone noticing the tears.

i am able to disguise things well.. and no one really cares.

my first client is a repeat, i don't know why i am immediately upset with her. looking back now.. i feel some remorse with not connecting with her. i am sure she may have had something to teach me, but instead i stayed very distant. her color didn't turn out how i had expected… not far from it, but not what she really wanted either. i was just frustrated with the fact that we didn't really have anything in common. i was very frustrated and overwhelmed with my own made up nonsense… that i couldn't even begin to relate to her life. the color seemed like it lasted for days, it was only four hours.

afterwards i was so excited to leave the salon and walk down the street.. all the way to olives. i haven't walked this far , but i was thankful for the adventure. i can see myself becoming a regular here.. their salad bar looked good. london chose our pizza and we had a few vegetables as sides. sitting outside and looking around, i was very quiet. i don't' say much, and usually what comes out is just a mess and seems harsh. i am thankful that he can read me and understands what i am going through. he is a very comforting soul, he knows this. like he said "a lot of people become obsessed with him." i tend to have a similar effect. imagine us, together.

our lunch was quick and he expressed how he has wanted to do this for a long time. his excitement is subtle, i suppose that is part of the beauty.

we get back and go our separate ways, i explore some and write. then i get a walk in, she is another repeat. i enjoy this woman. she reminds me of aunt kathy and i am very thankful. she decided to get her color done, i am very thankful for this and try and take the time with her.  i connect much better… my ride home was nice. it was a bit chilly and breezy.. i go to rite aid to get a note pad and liquor. i end up getting shaving creme as well because there is a good sale. johnny walker whiskey scotch is also on sale.. the cashier is concerned with my young appearance, we laugh it off.. she gets distracted and I'm not sure that i was rung up right, but i think i only paid fifteen dollars for everything… 

i go home and immediately start to paint and drink. i needed to get some things out on paper.. my usual naked girl, but this time is has a lot more detail. i make a nice skin color and get a buzz and trail through the book.. painting over all the penciled characters. i wish i would've slowed down and paid more attention to detail, but this is why i was drinking.. so i wouldn't hold back. i have the vision and i am beginning to be able to create a similar outcome. i am very blessed to be able to paint, this is what grounds me, allows me to meditate, and create something that is permanent. i make some beans, as i am not very hungry. i think i am going to start eating a very small dinner and just having a few drinks… writing and sketching and stretching. that is what spring will be for me. creating art. figures that are a bit quirky and recreated, they must have more emotion.. more edge.

i wander out to get water and end up watching a very interesting documentary about social interaction with daniel and ian. it opens my eyes to a few things, makes me realize that not everyone was loved the way that i was. my parents loved me and taught me all the basics to build a good foundation for my adulthood. i know how to hold people and care for them. i know how to give them things that they want.. just by talking. 

this is dangerous and exhausting, but it is something that i was blessed with.

so strange indeed that is reminds me of how persuasive i can be… i feel like i can get away with anything.. but that is indeed not the case.