ninety.three.

"God is an artist. So are we. And we can cooperate with each other. Our creative dreams and longings do come from a divine source, not from the human ego." julia cameron (via sarah woodhouse)

so it seems that boredom has consumed my body and i am tired of work already. i had a hard time getting up and an upset stomach… dragged on throughout the day. it was good that the sun was out because it definitely helped me get to work. i enjoyed listening to ichymane for my ride… something about the comfort of voices that i love… gets me through just a few more hours. 

i walk into the usual silence of the salon, but i like the crew on thursdays. it is nice to just have a few people there because it keeps drama down to a minimum. i was lucky enough to have a client request me, seems people really like the pictures i put up on the website.

she was an absolute pleasure to be with, a very happy… lively woman who did need help with her hair. it had been damaged with too many chemicals and just needed a good cut. 

we talked about art… and how her girlfriend just quit her job to pursue her passion.

i admire this a lot… and here i am laying in bed at four in the morning… writing.

this is my passion.

my stomach is so sick and i can't decide if it is from stress… or just upset from something i ate, but it has been bothering me all day. i can't seem to focus on what i am doing here.

canceling things absolutely makes me sick and all day i have been worrying with this "job" that i should be doing in LA with will and garrett. it is important that i be there and i see now that dropping everything to make it to these "jobs" is important. but what works out will… what doesn't… well that is just how it will happen.

i really need to get serious with how things are going go here. i am not pushing myself hard enough. i am not working hard enough…at all for what i need to be doing. 

it just upsets me that this entire "california" trip is right in front of my eyes… and all i can see is home.

but in reality home bores me. the angels have a plans for me out here… if i would just stop trying to resist it.

i need to become smarter with my money, more sound in my faith and stronger in my talents/art.

then i need to get over these silly boys. fuck all the boys… and then stop sleeping with them and they'll follow you around forever. that is the simple trick to boys. do not sleep with them… and they will be there.

i have a few good examples of these boys, they have become to be some of my best friends.

what do i really miss at home?

people that support me. if i will just allow myself to get close to people tere, then i would understand how i just need to relax, invest time into others and they will do the same for me.

breathing.

i bike home and immediately get online to practice tips on singing. it takes up about an hour, this is my first lesson… day one. i get distracted and tired and go and eat an unnessesary dinner and then… I'm tired. after texting sarah for a bit… a girl (client from work) asks me to go salsa dancing, but i must pass on this for the night. it is time to invest in some dancing shoes… and soon. 

i feel compelled to create something but i am too tired and i just write instead. I'm kind of a mess… 

i wake up to all the lights on (my new sleeping pattern) and an email from faith to cancel the show. for some reason i feel terrible about this and now my anxiety level is up again…. my stomach tells me that.