one.hundred.three.

(may.1.2012)

one year ago.

"the summer of boy FRIENDS. i do not sleep with my guy friends. this is very important. learning. advice. changing. moving forward. being bizarre. i am ridiculous. oh so ridiculous. i work ALL THE TIME. i am impressive, overwhelming, adoring and in love. i am patient, positive and colorful. I was put here to make women feel beautiful. i want them to be.

idea. sunday brunch, weekly fashion blog? creative photos. BOOKS

hard copy books are the answer.

pictures test so many stories. just one is worth so many stories. i like the photo that can tell so many stories. but i like to leave most things out. i am a good story teller. extreme humans don't think I'm crazy. i don't have to be so sexual. i like a bit of innocence. 

this day was different and i realized a lot about myself. these last few days made things different. i need a personal assistant. that is a GOAL. longterm. flying back and forth? in a plane. NOT IMPOSSIBLE. then i really can be two places at once. i don't have to own a house, or just one.

i don't have to be married. i can be alone and its okay. i am Tehra Burton.

"whose are you?"  (gucci will) i belong to no one. married to "myself".

so we are just friends. so many friends. who says it is over? it is not even close to over. NOT even close. poems. texture. abstract patterns. being original. laughing and spending time with lindsey. she is beautiful".

what a lovely letter to myself. it is rather amazing how recording this stuff helps me see what i have accomplished. journals are the answer to figuring out… happiness. 

i was glad to mix up the routine in my day. i slept in until the afternoon. i could hear voices outside, a lot going on.. it was mother's day. i tried to stay in my dreamland and wake up when i could get up… but the lack of light in the morning really takes a toll on your sleep pattern. 

skipping opportunities to get out and see the world.

i ate breakfast and made coffee while daniel cleaned up the kitchen. our time together is really wonderful.. as our conversations are always really deep and thought provoking. i kept thinking that the day was once ago when i was with mimi.

oliver and andrew came home with some family, it was good to meet his mom dad and brother. they are beautiful people, his mother is adorable. i sat and chatted for awhile, i was just waking up and in my pajamas, no make.up. i needed to spend some more time alone and in the quiet, so i escaped to my room to lay and write. just laying in bed all afternoon doing computer things feels good. i was able to do a bit of yoga with my conception playlist. it went by quickly as i moved through the warrior poses. it was time leave. i threw on quickly a dress that i got from jess moody. it is a good design and i always get compliments when i wear it. also with my pumped up kicks and tan leather jacket with the pointy shoulders… good outfit. we met with matt and steve and then headed on the 405 to santa monica. it was good to just take a ride in the back seat and listen to the radio. spending time talking to one another. i took a creative picture of oliver in his outfit… that was very orange and striped. 

we talked about music and small stuff on the way there. i was really excited to see andrew's play. it was neat that i was able to help inspire the costume design, so seeing this really meant something to me. it was held in a middle school, lincoln in santa monica… right by the ocean. i had been here before. i knew before we even walked up there… but that made me feel it just a bit more. it is strange when i have these moments. we got there early and stood around outside waiting, i was enjoying the scenery. hanging out with daniel while he smoked cigarettes. we sat in the middle row, the first seat i tried put me on the floor, come to find out it was broken. the music was amazing and oh so perfect. actually all of it was wonderful. i wish they  wouldve had a bigger audience, but it was perfect for me. the performance was so emotional and made me remember so much about my life. it took me all the way…

i smiled out loud and fell in love with the black rebel motorcylce club. they are like the black keys..but deeper and dirtier. that explains it. just like my almond bi-chai double dirty drink… that fancy. "that is what you are." 

the costumes were exactly how i imagined, and the characters i connected with. its funny the dance is what did all the talking. if only that was real life. i would be quite the talker. to see the bodies moving and dancing about inspired me. that extra energy from the performance, the more i think about it, the more i enjoy that i went to something like that. it was really cool to be able to witness all of it.

afterwards we walked to a vegan restaurant on wilshire. it was a nice walk during sunset where i was able to chat with ian, getting to know the boys. i like spending time with oliver as well. our dinner was really good… a vegan burger that was not what i had expected. they talked about some interesting things…some ridiculous things as well. 

oliver and i had a moment after dinner while walking back. "things just seem to really be falling into place for you". yes, that is why i am just going to keep going, no major moves right now. just taking it all in stride and enjoying… the time i have to be slow and lonely. looking at the moon and seeing the stars mixed with palm trees is just crazy. it is so wild that i live here. 

our ride home was intruiging, in the back of a honda civic in-between nate and steve. they are cool characters and asked questions about me. guess they were curious, perhaps they meant it.

"you've lived an interesting life." so they say.

the russian girls… all kinds of black sheep behavior. i an apprientated that i said i was "slutty" when i was twenty.three. but i was… no need to deny it. but really it came down to … no boy ever says no when given the chance to be with me, it poses a problem when i have self confidence, tequila and heels.

but it makes me human. we drop the boys off… matt lives in the first high rise that was built in long beach… crazy looking building. i would love to see it sometime, the inside.

we come home and i take time out to write and discover myself a year ago in my lovely leather journal that i found on the streets of new york. 

working on my blog…i quickly and simply designed a 500 days of LA blog. its about time i get this active because it is not about books..its about instant. i can print out hard copies later. i just don't want to waste time anymore. but how much is too much to put out there? i'll still hide and monitor that most important details. just take it… it just happened. i stay up early into the morning writing and writing and writing… feeling busy with energy and inspiration to get things going. I'm really excited. 

oh.. and matt told me that i looked like shirley temple when she was an early twenty, haven't heard that one before.. but i looked it up. i really do. she was very pretty…. an innocent looking.