one.hundred.ten.

social experiment.

i am here today to be different than i was yesterday.i am just thankful that i don't have to be at the loft.

 i need to be more of a character. remember when "he" said that if my life was a reality show… he would watch. most of us would actually. that is really creepy.

i hate crying. but yesterday i had to talk about it. i had to cry about it. its just like ali said.

as if everyone disappeared. 

you can be whomever… these are all the words you get during the night before. 

it was hard to wake up from the night before… i was comfortobally wrapped in a a cocoon of blankets in my bed. i could hear the commotion early on the streets. the room mates were beginning to get up… thanks to a jack hammer that went off around eight in the morning. i text ali to see what she was doing… and she was walking down broadway, headed to get some breakfast. mmm ham and cheese croissant.

i was hoping the eating something would help me feel better… maybe bring me back to life. she met me here after nine with food and sydney. i just love seeing her in the morning. we sat on the floor and ate our breakfast as syd just sat and watched us, acting weird as usual. we went our separate ways for awhile to get ready for the day. i tried to make myself look fancy… a little more make.up, lace leggings and my high waist insight shorts.. the cut up loft tee. it was an interesting get up… but it is gay pride weekend and i figured i could get away with this outfit. the parade started around ten-thirty and all the chaos was beginning. i was thankful to be able to sit on the roof perch and watch from above. I'm learning about myself that i like when lots of people are gathered together… but i do not like being part of the masses, i'd much rather be observing from above. the parade was entertaining. lots of eccentric people that are just fighting and promoting for love equality. i support this, who are we to say if someone should be able to marry or not? in my opinion, marriage should be much harder for everyone to get into… just like having kids. its ridiculous the "rules" for both very life changing choices.

there was just a little too much drunkness and chaos… to venture down from my perch. i sat up there with ali, ruthie and daniel for most of the time. a really good looking tan guy introduced himself to me.."hi, I'm todd summers"… nice to meet you. he was an unusual beautiful face who was there with this really tall boyfriend.. carlos maybe? there were so many people wandering around, our house was the location of a party so… that is to be expected. i saw shannon from down below and she yelled up at me. we were supposed to meet at the front of the festival gates… but no one did. instead the girls came here and hung out. it was nice to just have the party be at my place, we could all sit on the patio that overlooks the bay.. there is plenty of room. sometimes its still hard to believe that i live here.

the day went on like this… with people drinking and partying and drinking too much. i just stayed pretty much with water for the morning, made sure i had on my sunscreen and didn't make too many moves. it was too pleasant just being on the patio hanging out with everyone. susie and claudia came by later and it was really good to see them and just hang out casually. i introduced them to my room mates and ali… then they left to go to the festival. i think i already had in my mind that i wasn't planning on going… i stayed at the house and had lunch with ali.

things were getting weird and i needed to use the bathroom… come to find out mr. todd tagged my bathroom mirror with "todd summers was here xox"… strange. this annoyed me and i had to lock up my room. it was just too early for all that … and the fact that he used my really nice under eye concealer to mark himself. i am not okay with this. him and his boyfriend paraded around the house with their dramatic dislay of affection… ridiculous.

he was too tan anyway… but it was fake.

the remainder of the day was really nice, ali left just as niya showed up and we sat on the porch and had a drink listening to music. i was bored with the selection so of course i turned to the hound dogs, critters and ichymane. niya laughed and loved the music,she said that she could tell it was harry and felt like she had heard the music before. i think we have, years and years ago when harry was elvis or the beatles… and niya and i were the girlfriends of the guys. its strange our connection… as i feel she gets me. we are both in a rut of sorts and started to wear each other down… i was thankful that sarah showed up. i went outside to let her in the gate, i peered over the ledge to see if she was down there. she looked cool standing near with her shades and joy division tee. she handed me some purple flowers that she had picked and gave me a hug. it was nice to see her and have her energy around. she is always ready to talk and full of excitement and interest. we sat on the porch awhile longer… just talking about life and what we should be doing… how we just need to be patient. it was getting dark and cold, niya left and sarah and i decided to come inside. i changed into a more appropriate outfit while she flipped through my sketchbook. she is always excited over art… even the "not so good stuff" that i feel like i produce. but i do have a love for just a few of the pieces. we walked to her house and admired the beautiful purple trees that line the streets here in california. we just don't have this color back on the east coast. we walked to her apartment, which was in this amazingly old building and i loved the character. her room was adorable and scattered with sayings, quotes… records and artwork. i listened to cat power for just one song while she changed clothes.

our dinner was really good at veggie grill, i really do need to stop spending money out to eat, but it was worth the special occasion. we talked about more important things like love. she had a crush on one of  the girls that works there…and it worked out that they will be hanging out with each other later on the week. i am of course stuck on harry and discuss how i miss him and wish i could stop obsessing over the past. actually he doesn't really exist in this life. only in spirit. 

a few small things happen as we are talking that will undoubtedly add flare to my future. the ride home was nice and we discussed feelings and relationships.. i played through a few of michelle and i's good times as we traveled… also that part i remember of her yelling at me that i was one of the only girls that wouldn't go "gay". i guess I'm just stubborn and set in my ways.

i walked back to my apartment and saw all the drunk people leaving from the festival. it was nice just being sober and going to be. i had intentions of creating … writing … painting… but instead i just went to sleep.