construction started later than usual so i was able to lay peaceful in bed.
but it wasn't for long. i laid in bed and wrote awhile, taking the quiet time for meditating and writing about my freedom. today was about reflecting my progress. so now i have goals to accomplish.
i sat on the porch and ate my breakfast, it was nice to be there. its really my favorite place to escape here.
i called mom and couldn't help but cry to her on the phone. i feel like i have been dealing with all of this on my own. its all I can do to not cry. i hate that i put this on her, but she is our mother. i like how she told me that she could've never done what i did. that they want me home. i just know that i can't leave yet. the tears were a release, i haven't had them much lately, not like the crying for more than just a few drops… kind.
niya was running late, but we move at snail pace so its a perfect match. i can't hide my tears and come into my room too… i don't know.
one of the construction guys ask's if i smoke weed. yes… i reply. but only a little and mostly just to slow down my thoughts. they have become too much and i need it … to sort things out. our convesation somehow transitioned to how hemp can be used to benefit out country and how we are never going to be happy with this corrupt country… he was highly knowledgable on the subject so we continued to talk.
i liked what he had to say… but his work is a little off by distracting him.
because i could realize it…. i was talking to him about changing the world.
strange? you think… how can i do anything by myself?
well, if thats your excuse then fine… but others are interested as well.
niya arrives and we head over to goodwill to see a vintage sewing machine that she found yesterday. it was only fifty dollars and seemed to be in really good condition, other than the fact that it had be sitting someone's garage for at least ten years. it had the directions book from sears.. an old forties kenmore machine that folded up into a desk. it is really similar to the one that london is going to loan me… if only i could get things back into order, hopefully now that all the construction is finishing up.
we headed to LA to the fashion district and got caught up in traffic. she cried a little today and i scratched her back… its like we needed to see each because we felt the same way. we get deep into talking and i almost feel like I've known her my whole life. its a somber mood but shopping helps. today is much more peaceful and since we didn't make it until almost closing time… it was even quieter. she found a cool pair of shorts and the accessory store was fun. its just fun to shop and now since we can't afford to shop for ourselves, we shop for girls in long beach.
this time is a learning process and very priceless. seeing all the fashions and how things are chosen to go into stores…i think i really should be a buyer. i guess that is what i am training to do now. its just a matter of meeting all the right people and making connections. its a nice face that people really like … and someone that shows interest in them. niya is wonderful at making these connections with people, its really wonderful how nice she is to everyone. it inspires me. i am quiet and often can leave a room without talking to everyone. not because i can't… but because i'd just rather not.. I'm selfish with my emotions.
we ran a few more errands and she dropped me off at ali's. another oceanfront few, I'm glad it worked out this way. ali and ian were laying on the couch drinking wine when i interrupted everything… it was nice to see and talk to them… and have syd jump all over me. i biked home and spent time cooking myself dinner and food for the week. the peace of just listening to seventies music while ian cleaned the fish tank… he could tell something was wrong. i discussed with him the fact that i can't make enough money… and then oliver came in and told me that there was a hundred deduction for the month because of construction. he said it was difficult to get that even, but anything will help. i spent time with them just talking while eating my dinner. oliver played a video of a young boy singing an original song about coming home… he sounded like hank williams and i was amazed by his voice. i started to cry and took my wine and tears to my room. and cried.
cried. got myself together and texted allen. i knew that he had been to the hound dogs show, first one on the pier together since i saw them last summer. he said they were a little rusty. and he told me to hang in there. its only a month away before i can see all the love again. until then.
i work on some small paintings, just small details while i listen to iron & wine.
today i learn that nothing worth having is easy.
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