seventy.nine.

i woke up in a panic because i could feel blood running down my back, of course i had made a mess everywhere and had to quickly get up and scrub everything with soap and hot water. it was around seven thirty by the time i was done cleaning up… and i laid back down to sleep that last hour. i felt tired and gross, it was hard to wake up, as it is every morning now.

at least today I'm having a good hair day, that makes it all a little bit more exciting. the day is so windy, my ride to work was so much work… on top of already feeling exhausted. i got there right at ten, i can't seem to get this quarter til things solved yet. i wore a beautiful dress to work, a silk/polyester blend that feels more like a house dress. i would've worn this dress to kait's wedding, which happened today. a lot of our friends were in town to visit, I'm sure they had an amazing time together. i was really bummed about not getting that flight home for the week. it would've been nice to just see everyone and relax with friends to celebrate two lovely people finally taking time out to get married. i voiced my frustration to london, he said i didn't' have time to be going back and forth. i received a lot of compliments on my dress throughout the day… i didn't do much hair. just wandered around, drank tea… talked to ryan on the phone, texted a few people and looked at pictures. my blog had a few readers for the day, that made me happy… my newest post is about tenneessee and how that is what our world shall return to.. i was stuck on basement fox's instagram, showed london… he made me realize how creepy the whole thing is. still doesn't change that it is how my imagination sees things. i had one client, a shampoo blow-dry. she was nice older woman who had a dinner date later that night. the rest of the afternoon consisted of all of us sitting around and talking about stupid nonsense. i really felt that i had wasted my day, i should've planned things better and not even been here. i should be back at home. this attitude carried on through my bike ride. this wind was blowing against me so much that i felt like i needed to just give up and walk my bike home. this is how i felt about everything. just packing my bags and going home. saying that i gave it everything i had, i gave it an honest chance… maybe california just isn't for me. my dinner was bland, i just ate a mixture of snacks and things that i had… I'm worried about my weight and how "soft" i am becoming. i'm wishing for everything i once had… when in reality, none of it exsist anymore. my room mates are comforting, but i can sense the hostility in their voice… they are also feeling restless, as we must all be feeling this time of year. 

the rest of the evening was better. i listened to the piano guys on youtube, turned the volume up and watched their most beautiful performances… over and over. i spent some time sketching a few ideas, none of them really turning out like i planned. i tried to be patient but to move on once i wasnt satisfied. the last sketch was good, a girls face that i was mimicking from another drawing… she was the most real and taught me how to do eyes, focusing on the light and the dark. ian cooked dinner for him, daniel and their friend danny… we all got high on the porch. danny almost threw up from coughing, haven't seen that in a while… i spend the rest of the night working on detail… the boys feel asleep watching hot rod. i wasn't pleased with anything… my stomach acid is all messed up and i just felt like sleeping. wrote a blog post, then fell asleep.