eighty.

you can't keep doing things the same and expect the results to be different.

i have to stop and give myself credit sometimes. i did just accomplish a lot, and now I'm stuck in a place of where i was going… and where i am going. its a hard spot because now i have to focus on something new, something different. i actually have to live, think and love… differently . it can not be the same anymore.

i don't know now. i have not a clue of this … where this is going, so I'm going to have to imagine a few things… 

i just want to be more. i want to love. i want to live more. i want to be more.

this morning was nice, i was able to get up and almost be on time. i just have a hard time and push everything down to the last minute. i need to allow more time for myself to get up and just … have time to get ready. changing things, just the small things… are the hardest. 

i can't force anything right now. the best that i can do is relax and try and not become lazy. i feel very blah right now. i feel very shy and also lackluster. but that is to be expected as well. 

i can't just give in yet. its all too close to being real life. i can't be the weak link… you just can't stop.

not with the music, it's just so damn good. why can't i make this happen? i can. one day.. one step at a time. 

it was a day of planned appointments that no one showed up for. it was to teach me that i have to be patient. again and again… then i scheduled a client from a text, a guy that is growing on me… that made me feel like i'd been here awhile. a good client, I'm starting to collect them.

you just have to give it a chance. the rest of my clients were weird, and kinda… just off a bit. i don't know why it worked out the way it did, but that's what happened. i stayed there for nine hours, that was enough. i just didn't know what to do… but the last few haircuts were necessary. i biked home quick and sarah met me there for dinner, she picked up steam, it was good. then we sat outside on the deck and had tea for a few hours. the temperature is rather perfect and i just wanted to talk. so did she… we talk well. figuring things out and talking each other "off the cliff". we are bizarre creatures. i can see why our "webs" crossed… but I'm not sure what is about to happen. its rather eerie, dare i say it.. I'm not sure what I'm about to give away. i think that i have put myself out there too much. what good does it do me? none. it hurts me. when people get under my skin it hurts so bad that i just want to attack them. i am so pissed and frustrated that another human could literally possess my thoughts… actions… everything about me. 

that is why i am so violent. i am tough because i want to prove that i am broken and will not be taken advantage of.

i know that i am supposed to be in this moment here. in such a foreign place that the simplicity of nothing seems ample enough for now. 

london said… "you are dyslexic, that is how i know you are an artist." i never say and write the same thing…