fifty.eight.

my schedule was off already this morning, but that was ok… it was easier to wake up. i couldn't recall my dreams so much, i think harry was there. i don't know. my ride was nice, someone purer-mystery jets is such a beautiful song, seems i can't hear it too many times. it was cool out and breezy, another tough ride. but it is becoming easier everyday, sooner or later i'll have to find a longer route. its a quick one, some what zoned out.. dangerous on a bike, but it is a sign that it is all becoming habit. 

i got to work early, but still not early enough. soon i will find the right timing. it'll probably require another trip home. i had a grin on my face, couldn't help hide my hilariousness. seeing london and thinking back to how dramatic i was the entire time, I can be a bit much. he looks different in the eyes now… i haven't seen him in a few days. i honestly miss him, one day we will have a house together, where we have staff and design clothes… traveling around, dressing people. sharing the beauty and sense of where a bouts. teaching… structure. is it reality? i try and stay busy, up and down the stairs, i feel restless .. spending a few minutes to write and sit outside. i get a few minutes with alex on the deck, that is a beautiful thing. talking with him… later in the evening i read several journal entires from 2011… many years back in a few first six months of knowing each other. i was so in love with him… he had a recording studio… oh the love. then he quickly betrayed me and wrote me off so quickly over something someone said. so crazy. but i left a note for myself… before i even knew what i was doing. "do not fall in love with a rockstar. its all lies". wow

he is getting better, I'm so thankful that we are still together. 

after i got off the phone… i told london that i thought god had sent me an angel, i had prayed really hard for him. "yes, i believe he did".

i thought about that kid quite a bit today, i did manage to discuss him with a few people, i mean i dunno. i just really like him. then tupper called me, he had just got off the phone with harry. he was excited about the band and the summer outer banks tour. tupper was calling to fill me in on the tour dates and what would be happening. i felt flattered really, I'm so ready for this project, this is what i love. if we sit back and let it slip away worrying with financial security, we will never live. i don't think money is going to matter anyway. we chatted for awhile, i was so excited just thinking about it. i might want to try and rearrange a few things to be able to get home and see everyone. all the boys. all the girls. all my friends. the motivation what brought me here. 

spontaneous adventure with ali this evening. i was able to leave work a little bit earlier bike before sunset. i managed to talk with claudia only a short bit about how much i admired austin. "i wouldn't have introduced you two if i didn't think it would be good." she knows more than we give her credit for… "he couldn't stop talking about how much he loves your hair".

cute.

i walked to see the sunset waiting on ali this evening, the colors were so bright, a variety of yellow orange dark pinks and blue . a sight you have to see to believe, not captured by a photo. i was just looking out into the bay when a guy and what appeared to be his father pulled up and the older man went down the stairs with a camera. the younger guy had amazing blue eyes… i couldn't help but look. he looked over after a minute. "what are those islands?…" not islands at all, they are oil rigs, covered with palm trees to make it seem more appealing. i asked him where he was from… texas, alabama, louisiana… huh. i told him i was from north carolina. he went to get in his car and the other man started looking around and asking about the islands as well, he got out of his car and started telling him the story.. i looked over and noticed ali. "there is my ride, its was nice meeting you… my name is tehra". "you too, Ryan". i handed him my card and ran to ali's car. you just never know when you are going to have a life changing encounter, take each one with great importance.

we when down one of the major freeways to a maze like david's bridal. it was kinda snotty… the usual. they were out of fitting rooms, we got her one anyway. after a few shots at size eight dresses, i grabbed three more, the first one being "the one". something os beautiful and simple. i was proud of myself. i know how to fit ali, after all, she is my best friend. it was really fun evening, speed shopping, seriously what girl finds a wedding dress in an hour? the black sash says it all… ali is so gothic. the whole experience reminded me of how i love dresses, lingerie and playing dress up. it's literally what i am good at. dressing up in clothes with women. then we went to have dinner at a place called islands…it was cute. like tropical island get away. we both order the passion tea and split an amazing spicy burger. i love our meals together. i am so thankful for her all the time. we laughed about so many things, it was just fun to to that together. I'm glad i was here for her. she has been really good at being there for me over the last few years. 

back home.. the moon is still so bright and beautiful. reminds me again of the other night. i have an idea for a drawing, but once on paper it is so different than how i imagined it to be. that is usually how it goes. it took me other a few hours to add all the detail. i'm becoming more satisfied with the outcomes of my sketches, they are becoming to look closer to those they are inspired by. it will be good to do these more often. it will only get better. i think i like him more than i realize. its time to focus on myself again, and to write harry another letter. we both need it i suppose.