as the days begin to blend together, i wake up naturally… to a few messages from tammy. she must of been thinking about me, i quickly texted her back..leaving out a lot of the details, but telling her about my blog. i slept in again today, but not terribly late. waking up i had to write for awhile, i texted amanda about getting the catalogs … then they arrived. i spent some time going through the books, checking things out. i actually have a lot of studying and homework that i need to accomplish soon. if i do this right, it will help me out a lot. it could also be good fun, i started to cry just thinking about it. i called mom and cried to her about it. she said "just come home". but that is not a solution either, i can't even see that happening right now. there is just too much going on… a year from now things will be different.
i paid a few bills, ate breakfast.. just did small things in my room until afternoon. it was nice to listen to music and just be for a few hours. i obsessed over things too much… the usual. then biked to see if the shop was open, no… closed again. i biked around, headed to ali's. ian was home sick, hanging out on the couch. seems we all got the funk…gross. ali and i had tea and flipped through the catalog for earrings for her wedding. excited about a few pieces, i need to order soon.
we walked to the market to meet niya, she was already shopping as she couldn't nap in her car because she was upset with her friends drama… she is such a mess… but i love her. we all shopped around, had fruit and bought a few things we needed. its just nice to wonder around and talk to people… we stumbled onto some good things. i crave the cake balls now… i think i will get some next week. i wanted to see if the fashion guy was there… he was in a slightly different spot. i wanted to see if he still had the leather wetsuit dress … it was gone. someone had stolen it while he wasn't watching, how rude! i wish that i would've just bought it now. we looked around, ali found an adorable coat that she got for spring… i found several dresses that i fell in love with. a weird couch like material 50s house wife dress… then he had me try on this stunning long flowy dress, by this point we had told a woman about where i work…she fell in love with my eyebrows, then ali went on to tell her about how i sell jewelry and scarves… tippy got very excited. many people had gathered around and were watching me try on these clothes. edwin was very good at dressing me…. you could tell he was good at this. he reminded me of fred armisin. he noticed there was something different about me… i was from somewhere different. a strange faraway land actually. i just wanted to play dress up for hours. listening to the guy on stage play music… johnny cash covers. i can see harry up there, i mean really it is the perfect spot. a stage in the park. the people would hear from afar and come to listen to him sing, watch his strange performance. his intriguing gestures confuse and excite you…
edwin is going to tailor the long dress for me. i would love a floor length dress that i could wear with flats. it will be a beautiful thing, something made for me. i can wear it with a hat and some sun glasses… stunning.
i spent too much, but it was spontaneous. niya had dinner for us, we sat at a table and had a somewhat picnic while eating mexican food. it was cute, we talked about silly girl stuff… boys… how if you think about the ones you like you have to do squats.. the ones you're not into… eat chocolate. ha. it was good to just spend time with her. she is a genuine girl, one that I'm so thankful showed up in my life. i need her here with me.
we said our goodbyes and ali and i walked home. "i like her". that means a lot from ali… we discussed austin in more detail. we are both surprised by the outcome of all of this. this whole "i think he likes you"… i still believe that he does. it just has to play out this way to teach me that when you don't want to sleep with a boy… YOU DO NOT SLEEP WITH THE BOY> lesson.
i decided i need yoga now and i enjoy the candlelight class tuesday night. i think we are trying to do yoga for two weeks, everyday..i might even attempt twice a day. i need to indulge in a "detox" of my soul and mind. i bike to my place to put my things away.. find an air pump and get stoned. funny how quickly your perception can be changed… i read a verse and became excited. i can see some good things happening soon.
i pumped my tire full of air and wow that makes things easier. we met again at her place and headed to the studio. the ride over there was nice, its great that the weather warmed up, and the traffic wasn't too bad either. how peaceful and exhausted the air feels at dusk. its early in the week… we are the only two that attend class tonight, but this is beautiful because it was a good balance. we sang together for awhile in the beginning of class. a chant about truth… and opening up chakras to feel more.. to be able to seek the truth. i like singing, though today was a bit rough.. I'm losing my voice.
i stay somewhat in the room most of the practice. that fire flickering and silence help me concentrate on the movements, catching my breath and trying to flow. i thought about many things, i looked back on my day… and some into the future. i am content here but my brain is everywhere as well.. its hard to focus and i lose track of what i am doing in that moment. class went on for awhile, it was good to stretch everything and work out. shedding some of the weight that was holding me down. the studio is just so lovely dark, it reminds me of home… except you can hear the loud city outside, reminding me that I'm not at home. things are happening and busy outside.
our ride home is lovely, we stop at her place so we can split the bread and berries, then i bike home. my tire is flat again and i ponder how i'll fix it, the bike guy is closed tomorrow…
i fantasize about my day tomorrow, i need to get up early so i can explore some of the thrift shops, i need to get out of my room more.
getting home… everyone is kinda out and about in the kitchen, i warm up some leftovers and snack into the evening. spending time catching up with daniel and studying. i get online to watch a video and get sidetracked on an article about how being single is beautiful. that it is a calling… the prime example. the love for christ alone is enough… that in heaven we will all be single. together in gods love.
this upsets me.
i wish not to believe all the details of this… but still i am convinced that all the relationship possibilities that i've had have been ruined once i have sex with them… or not have sex as well. either way they are all gone, but god is enough.
earlier today i did some writing. i feel the urge to write so much more these days, i wrote tammy a letter. i need to be writing even more…. so much that its like bleeding after being bit by a shark.
insta gramification
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