sixty.two.

I'm beginning to form this whole "morning after" habit that needs to change. it just its more vivid at night.

waking up was hard to do this morning. i was feeling sick, the pain in my throat in neck doesn't seem to be getting much better. i wonder if i can actually heal this without all the drugs. i'll give it a few more days. i get ready quickly, as i laid in bed until nine again, not even enough time to get ready if i was really speedy. i threw my hair up and wore my new stella and dot pegasus necklace, new things always make you feel better. 

i bike to work and it is tough as usual, the clouds… the wind. i get there… quiet. another quiet day at the salon. it is good though, gives me time to write and relax. this cold is kicking my tail, and the fact that i am making no money stresses me out. a lot, its wearing me down. nothing i am doing right now is making me any money or happiness. i guess that is why i now have to look inward to what i am and what i have already had… to bring joy. i do manage to get a few walk ins, just simple quick haircuts. this makes the day seem more complete, not such a total waste. i get a text from niya, i am so estactic to just be able to go on a walk with her… around the block. its nice to get out and see where we are. we are indeed on the coast, in california. we are very similar, in age and attitude. she opened her own boutique a year ago, funny how time flies. a lot has changed, but she is still not thrilled with the outcome, it takes several years to see results. nothing, NOTHING is instant. i need to take this advice in mind, and soon. it is just so frustrating to know that something is so close to happening, i suppose i like to dance on the edge. the feelings of adrenaline make me… wild.

we drag out our walk, eat some tacos… get a cookie… then we decide to change her hair color. bless her heart, she always looks so tired. she is, she works three customer service jobs, lives with her sister, manages a store, has a dog… dates… wow. i should look up to her, i do actually, and she cheers me on with my dreams. i need someone like her, single female trying to make everything work. all of our dreams, goals…. independence. 

her hair color turned out lovely and was a much needed small change to make her feel better. i see us both becoming good friends. its nice to have them.

i am ready to go home, not before i make the mistake of letting anyone "anyone" near me with wax. i just wanted the stash.. but last minute added in between my brow into the mix… london did a good job, but not good enough for my standards on my face. the pressure was too much and he changed the shape, which i did not like at all. my eyebrows had become a little overgrown, but in my mind they were perfect, and only needed a small change. now the outcome upsets me.. luckily it is only hair. ONLY hair… it will grow. but i have learned this final lesson of …. NO ONE TOUCHES MY FACE. or hair at that matter.

it is a very important rule. there are rules for a reason. i make them… i need to keep them.

i come home in a panic and stress and sit in my closet and cry. then i stare into the mirror for what seemed like hours… crying. it changes nothing. i take a few xanax, cry more… then go have some dinner (left overs from london the night before) it makes me feel better…and pass out watching television on the couch. the boys are quiet, or i was sleeping so much… that i didn't wake until after midnight. i am still out of it… crawling into bed with too many clothes on, i sleep. i toss around with strange dreams, too bad i can't remember any of them. I'm sure some things were solved…