fifty.seven.

only twenty.four hours ago, seems like it never happened.

he is like a dream, that suddenly appeared into my life. he seemed real, but i think he was only a mirage.

i slept way too late into the afternoon again. i need not make this a habit, i need to be out in the world. but i enjoy my dark room of solitude, i enjoy just laying in bed.  i spent some time just catching up on writing, then ate lunch. i was waiting for ali to get off work, i felt like exercising, but ali wasn't that into it today. we actually need to be doing a lot more yoga if we are serious about staying in shape.  i biked to her place, first stopping by the bicycle shop to see if he would fill up my tire with air… but he was closed.

the day was nice and sunny, ali and i sat on the porch for hours… a glass of white wine. she wanted to know the details of the night, there were so many.

i tried to stay calm about the whole ordeal, but with her… it's hard to contain my feelings.  expressing my feelings of happiness and regret. everything IS different now… we have lost the innocence of the friendship and quickly fast forwarded to … something so much more. she reassured me that waiting isn't always the answer, if it was done out of love, then it's a whole nother story. our story will be, never ending perhaps.

after much debate we moved onto lighter subjects, like laughing about our past lives of being young, wild and in hair school. what a fun life we have both had, our decisions have led us here, together… living this life of happiness.  if only we had just one photo or even video of those days it would spark memories, but it all actually happened and created who we are today, so i'd say that that was enough.

i have a new sense of self today, i felt like i was put in my place. at times i say all too much, it is very blunt and honest.  i can not take back the words i say aloud. i told him to push harder, asked him if he could keep up… we'll see. he did the best thing ever for me today.. kept me waiting. i didn't hear a word. he has his own life and i love that.