fifty.two.

journal recap, one year ago:

today i wake up thinking about sterling, wish he was beside me. i wanted to feel a human inside me… beside me, this morning. i wanted him. work… saw joey in his green neon polo walking into work.. why must i always be reminded of him? everyday. he has done something with my mind. hurried through work, good day. ready for music. i was stuck on the arctic monkeys in november. i think i discovered them right around tonsil surgery time… stuck on them. best most sarcastic lyrics. so witty & devilish. so real & blunt. his voice. the change in tempo and extremeness. oh yea. and they are from the uk. i was so stuck right before joey blew my mind with trippy drugged out naked and famous. he didn't like the arctic monkeys.. but the black keys tonight. wow. i can't believe i saw those two artist in one place… so amazing. the lights where phenomenal. they really thought all of them out well … i remember  the night i walked upstairs and he was listening to el camino, it was the day the album was released… december. so good, surround sound. he was painting. i fell in love. to hear it live tonight. tops off all my past with the black keys. sex to their music. yes. "run right back to her"… that one is true. the music tonight makes me feel badass. like i could accomplish anything. drive across the county, seduce the lead singer… be stunning and fabulous. i want to see them again. those dirty british boys. oh how shall i meet you? go to the uk of course. sign me up. i need to work for a job that sends me places. dear lord. please send me traveling, capturing the beauty that is our earth that you created yourself. i want to enjoy the beauty.

i should be sleeping.

getting up this morning was much easier. the day was so long that waking up seemed like ages ago. thats a good day though, getting things accomplished. i wore a fun outfit today, striped top, and my bleached acid wash jeans… they have seen some fun times. brown and black, i break the rules. a coach bag and a pair of black suede penny loafers. 

my ride to work was nice, but i was "just"on time. barely making it at ten. i used to be on time, yes this is true..and i used to do things around the salon, only a few months and I'm already bored and tired. i am very sorry for this… but it is how i feel. i get to spend time with ian this morning, it was nice cutting his hair, he is a good guy. i have to give him that one. then i had a break to spend time with shannon and dori's client. her name was christine, she reminded me of someone i have met before… beautiful woman. i wanted to makeover her red, but she sparked an interest in me. god had mysterious plans… the unravel each moment. another client of mine was just tall and lovely, a lawyer. she seemed serious, but i could see in her eyes that she was once lively woman. her hair was fine, i gave her a nice cut… and she reassured me that i was living life to the fullest. giving me advice. the thing about califonia… there are so many people that you are never sure if you'll meet the same one again. i get bored and wander down the street to spend time with niya at her shop. i enjoy her company… and her little boutique attached to the coffee shop. its just a perfect location. and my goodness that girl works hard. we are twenty five and sat and giggled over boys for an hour… so many to choose from. i'll be dreaming about the same one for awhile.

she made me the perfect drink.. half coffee/half chi tea and some cream… mmmm. the chiya. then we went to have shots at reno… whiskey and a dash of water. the sugar keeps me going, the alcohol takes the edge off the day. i need to be back and work, i can feel it. they are having a meeting outside and i walk in just in time.. "want to be a platform artist for the fashion show?" sure. i've always wanted that. then i had a walk in this evening, i was glad i took her. i tried to make her hair the best as possible, her husband is sick and she just needed a break. it's almost like we are doctors… chemist… healers of sorts. london once again called me his muse. and starts to laugh when i tell him that i will live in a castle. i wait for this day… and i'll have him as part of my life… along with all my friends. dreams.. i was ready to leave, tired and i still had to bike home. but i regret not staying…. but after fitting in a men's haircut and a color, i was just ready to go and be done. but it wasn't fair to leave claudia there for so long by herself, hopefully she was okay. i just didn't think about her so much earlier…it wasn't til i dwelled about it. i wanted to come home and paint. this girl… the blood..  her naked, raw self asking for forgiveness. she is not good enough.

i want her to look real… my creations piss me off.

i wash my broken out face, but i am going to be okay.

oh, i almost forgot…right before the shot of whiskey, jason called me. invited me to church. i was sure that i couldn't make it, but i think somehow i will make it work. somehow…all things work out.

and my painting is mediocre because something else has to be better about me i suppose.

these dreams? they tell the future. do they? or do they just help me cope with the past, to prepare for what is to come.

i pray that he keeps me safe.