ten.

its all a bit blurry. weird really. i woke up spinning. like the weirdest spins, i was trapped in a boat and couldn't get out or move and i felt like i was going to throw up. i felt so sick. i was for sure that i had a sickness. the weather followed my mood, it was like a hurricane outside, there was really no way i could've made it to work. i keep having the weirdest dreams, i was flying through the air like a witch looking at churches, i think it was one particular one that i remember seeing while riding my bike. i wish i could remember more. i think harry was there and I'm sure i dreamed about going home. there was a wild thunderstorm that woke me up, it sounded like lightening had hit something.. the spins continued. i was thankful to talk to london on the phone, he calms me. thank goodness he is in my life or else i wouldn't still be here. he is one of the reasons i wanted to work there, so I'm glad that we became friends. its like i've known him all along. some people fall in love with me, instantly. actually everyone does. its so weird. i was glad i could just rest all day. i woke up around three in the afternoon and felt better, ate some fruit and watched the sky open up. the sun was coming through.. it looked so cold. watching sermons about stewardship and treasure and trust made me think. I'm trying to not waste as much time. because when it all comes down to it, i'd rather be alone sleeping to the rain and being completely away, listening to music and writing. painting on a balcony somewhere. so the day fits. i cried a lot, guess i needed that. i recorded my values. in this order 1.journals 2.artwork 3.family 4.friends 5.body/talent. would i lay them at god's feet? and say just take them away? yes, i guess i would. i don't guess… i did that. i did this for myself and my career. i did it to teach love too, i wanted to share the amazing life that is mine. it can be gone at any minute. funny how quickly i forget the lost chaos that the small island tangles me in. so now I'm allowed it in small doses, just to get me by. while i make an impact here with my life story. "I'm in good hands". 

i try and get back on a routine and I'm so sore and cold and achy. i just want tea and things. i want the pain to stop but now i've slept a lot and will be up with my brain for awhile. the quiet after the storm is a good feeling. the predication is sunny… had a random conversation with james today. for many hours we texted back and forth. i don't know why i can do this will him, but the subject matter is always very deep. very thought provoking. he makes me feel smart, because i am. i just need  people to be able to accept that. the weirdness in it all is bizarre. but he said the words i needed to hear. that God will challenge me. it teaches me lessons i needed to learn to live on for eternity. that's something… and always question life. this is what i wanted. so now the lesson lives within my soul. i just don't know what i am going to do… i need more. there, I SAID IT> i need more. i need more love. please lord inspire me with love. 

i discovered new music that reminds me of the coathangers and dana and sterling and harry's bands and zack mexico and all the music i know… I'm so thankful for this. i just want to sit up and listen all night long. the bands are what I'm missing. so i put it out into the universe. i want music. i want to be important and powerful, wise but not recognized. i want to be remembered but not known. its the mystery. i want to make changes while still taking care of myself. you can't force yourself into things, let them happen. this so far happened. but we are all so close to death. but for now i can still dream, dream a little dream for me.