four.

Hebrews 4:16 grace. no expectation, only grace. that is what i strive for. everyday i try and walk in christ. wow. sounds kinda bold to say. but i am. i have to be now. i must keep pushing. i have locked myself in here. but this is what i wanted. to be working in california. wild. in my own place on the ocean. i do a lot to live on the ocean. from the russian girls in nags head… this life is weird. slow long day. i learned a few things. that getting up early is ok and i like biking to work. the way the fog hung in the air and the bright sun was making a shiny reflection. its probably smog really, but whatever. its long beach. i like my ride to and from. makes you realize the simplicity of just a bike. that's all i have. i can survive on that in the city. i really need to let go and date other people. yea, i can be stuck on harry and oh so in love but i will not, WILL not talk about him. i will continue to write and to date. i will work, a lot. ALOT. oh the entertainment of CALIFORNIA. 

today i want to be home because he is there & there is music involved. i want to hang out and witness history, but my job is to be out here. getting my foot work for later on. that is my calling. i would be a distraction to the poor boy if i was at home. with all the easy access. that is not how it is supposed to be. i have already done that. that is why i am focused on being all the way here. HAIR. saving money and making as many connections as possible. i discussed with london today how i didn't want to do hair forever. he said that i figured it out early. i almost have lost my desire to do this whole "movie" set hair.we'll see. i just think there is a better avenue. maybe, making hair cutting videos. being bold and stepping out of your comfort zone. STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE> is the main goal here. i just keep seeing all the colors and similar patterns that are reassuring me that i am on the right track. you just don't know when it is your time to go. you will never know. so you keep pushing on. i am thankful for my mother. for she forever instilled in me love and kindness. support and a creative hopeful person. that will live with me in my soul. 

i lay in my own tears. i just can't hold it together. i know it is going to take a push from some kind of energy. i need to lay and relax with a soul that loves me. just lay.