fifty.six.

i slept in, in my dark cave room, i can see that this will be trouble… no sunlight to drag me from my comfortable corner. i wasn't sleeping near my phone, so it didn't have a chance to wake from all the text messages. very first thing i had plans and decisions to make. i had been putting a few things off for awhile, but i suppose that its now or never from now on. i signed onto stella & dot, that should be a fun project and i hope that it gets me a few clients. i also scored a few cool pieces that should hopefully spark a few conversations and make a party or two. I'm nervous about it, its a new business, something else for me to put my energy and time into… not too bad of a job. while all this is happening, austin is texting me… i was supposed to be getting a tattoo this evening but just as he was asking me out to dinner she was canceling those plans. i got just a few errands done for the day, some laundry and cleaning up… i cooked myself a really nice lunch with the remainder of food that i have here. i'd used up most of the day already. i discovered a cool band on instagram… thao & the east down get down… it played the perfect songs that i hadn't heard before…and the soundtrack inspired me to draw for awhile. the music is so calming, upbeat and perfect. its the simple sparks of music… that provoke so much feeling and thought.  ali came over with syd for a minute to hang out.. before i was off to my dinner date. i pulled my hair up and wore my favorite striped shirt… tie dye scarf and volcom jeans. my favorite things… something comfortable, its all just casual. claudia called and said the time was now for me to meet her and austin at the salon. he was getting a haircut… my day off i didn't exactly want to be there… but it was worth it to see him.  i showed up sweaty and nervous, trying to contain my feelings… and act natural. its always weird being there when I'm not working.. like its a different place. we all piled into his truck, he loved my bike, thank goodness because we had to drag it around all night. it smelled like such good greenery in his pre runner… toyota boys… oh how i like them. tacos near her house on anaheim and obsispo. the little place was authentic and for dollar taco tuesday, it wasn't that too bad of food.  then we piled in again and ventured to her house, funny the conversations we had.. i like clauida a lot, she reminds me of olesya… its a beautiful thing. she is such a mess, but its a lovely thing to love her. after some party favors, we chose a scary movie to watch. the movie wasn't that great… but it was perfect that austin and i could sit close to one another.

alittle vodka and orange juice… ninety minutes later and we were as if we've done this all before. it just felt natural. his hands fit on my shoulder, i liked how he scratched my back some. he has a calm sense about him that i can't help but… want to be around.

this all spells trouble for me. he reminds me of all the people, places and things that i love. how does just one person do that to you? he is a gemini… not that it really matters. most of my longer relationships were also gemini's… something about multiple personalities, i really enjoy the excitement. except he seems to be… oh so different. this kid is a musician, a lover and a fighter. his job, and how much he loves it… blows my mind. he is just the nicest guy i know… but i would never as much describe him as "nice". he is charming… peaceful and full of life, something exciting that i just cringe and want to cling to… what will we be like together?

we leave and walk back to his truck in the dark, admiring a few things. he points out a purple tree with bellflowers…a lovely lilac. the moon is full and shines down, casting shadows, brightening the darkness of the evening. we laugh and decide that my ocean front place is were we will spend more time together…  he takes me on a tour through signal hill, you can see lights for miles… "I'm gonna try to not be a tour guide." but i enjoyed it so much. what's crazy is how surrounded we were… and how that was where he went to get away. he grew up in long beach, i love that about him. back to the oceanside, it was wild to see all the lights that lead us back to the bay…. we drove around for awhile trying to find somewhere to park. apparently parking here is impossible, we figured that out. he has the patience of a saint, i was so thankful for this. we drove around and around, listening to music and getting to know each other. finally, we found a spot way too small…but with my help we figured it out. city life is nice… "you just have to walk like you are supposed to be somewhere." the stroll was good. i was excited to show him my place, it is something i take pride in now, considering i spend everything dollar i have to be here. I'm so broke.. but to live this comfortably, that is worth being poor about. 

we laid around and talked about our lives, he liked the art…said he thought i had the name of a rockstar... i introduced him to daniel and ian. they have high energy and are probably confused about who he is to me.. either way. we had a glass of whiskey water and sat on the porch… got a little high. i've been waiting for this moment, I'm so thankful it was with him. the moon was so bright and lovely to stare at, directly in front of us over the bay. our conversation just flows.. it makes perfect sense. I'm not bored with him. his calm voice exhilarates me, i just want to know more. he expressed the same feelings about me "i hardly remember any of the details that people say.. but i remember what you say…you must be that interesting".

i feel the same way. then we realized that we had the same dream. he wants to travel across the country with a band, stopping to play venues all along the way. i know this dream, i have it too, except i was filling the people in from home, but what if thats now who i'll be taking the trip with… funny how things fall into place. its just not time yet.

we cuddled together and it finally got chilly enough to where we had to go inside.

i knew that boys in my room equalled trouble.. and it being like three in the morning. we were slow to kiss. i made sure to drag it out as long as possible… it felt natural. 

everything felt so… normal. like we just had to do it, we owed that to ourselves to enjoy each other's bodies, i think they were made for each other. it became escalated fast, it didn't help.. my actions when it comes to making out with people. i turn the entire event into a fest of eroctic nonsense, like its our favorite show. i didn't plan for this at all. i actually wasn't planning on doing much more than just kissing him… he was making me nervous how much i wanted to just be.. with him.

it startled me honestly. i think that sex is the destroyer of relationships, but only if its done in the wrong context. i think that if it is out of love, the let down is a bit more gentle. in my past i have had all kinds, he probably assumes that all my past in a burning field of chaos… my sex life is a bit like that. i told him that i wasn't planning on sex, i actually wanted to wait. i wanted to drag this out with him… he said he was usually that character as well in this scene. but this time… it was different. "the world might end if we do this" i said. so we gave it a chance. the moment was slow… i led up to it by drinking out of a glass with number 1, he had two… he thinks that it is a sexy number… 27….72. i kissed the back of his neck and lost the remainder of the lights.. and clothes. i guess the soundtrack being perfect… was perfect. right before it all happened… he whispered "try and let something happen".

i try and keep the mystery, i wanted to tell him so much more, to tell him everything actually. about how weird and crazy i am, about how i study sex and love the lord so much that i am trying to live righteously, but now i see how impossible that seems… i understand why our world is in turmoil. because of the same feelings that we felt, together. i decided to cave, i decided to give up so easily from my abstinence… sex will save us after all.

it felt like something that was supposed to belong in our lives. i frustrated myself the whole time as usual.. i wasn't exactly able to relax. i think i only enjoy the "leading upto part". but to have the feeling of someone inside me again, that is something i wanted for myself.

my self discipline is a mess now. seeing his mouth and teeth, oh my goodness his teeth are something i could look at for awhile. his lips are nice, they are not perfect, but i like that more now.. everything about it was quite surreal. it was a moment at three.thirty that i don't regret. i can't, it was real. it was something that meant we cared… about having feelings together. it was romantic, in it's dirty human bodies… our souls could have that moment together. i couldn't finish, as usual it began to hurt and i don't know how the finish line feels anyway. i think i get closer each time, i know that love will play a factor in me actually seeing… pleasure.  but not what? did i give it all away… for a few minutes of not so much pleasure.

to see him over me, holding onto me. his shoulders have a strange bone that sticks out on either side, i've not seen this before… he laughed "people have called me a demon" ha. he is far from it… but that is also how they get by… with their evil beauty.  leading me away from my main source of … life.

i felt like i was going to be sick… their were too many emotions and feelings happening. too much racing around in my mind. i had just given up my soul. to this kid i met only three days ago… but he consumed my brain immediately. i wanted to place my hand on every inch of him. he reminds me of ashton. that is a beautiful compliment now that i look back. 

he stayed with me. we fell sleep … me on top. he knows how to calmly move his hands about… bless his heart, he had to be up early for work. the diligence of this boy.. doing what he loves. the children are the future, i admire this about him. he is too much of an angel for me to get involved, he thinks the same about me. our slumber was short, but it was beautiful. you could begin to hear the birds chirping about, a silver of light through the blinds. he got up and ran his hands along me. i could feel that this was… real. he kissed me a few times, his hair hanging in his eyes… what we discussed is blurry, i was mostly asleep… i remember looking at him laughing because i had left the keys in the door… that was "locked". see… thats something i do in carolina. maybe i don't belong in california forever.. but for now… he makes it feel a little more… better. "have a good day austin".