nineteen.

the morning was cool and chilly, not much sun out for most of the ride. i was somewhat motivated for work, getting out of bed wasn't too painful. i have been staying up so late, messing with my sleep patterns. my dreams were terrible, i only remember one specific moment… and i could feel the pain. just the word AIDS sticks with me. i feel sick just thinking about it. but i move forward, my legs are weak and tired, i am just about ready to sit down and … i will not quit. i am excited about my new area, its a more comfortable spot, i don't feel so exposed, its like i have a comfortable home. one that keeps we isolated, but still part of the group. once i can see out of the window, it will be fabulous. i think i'll sit down and stay awhile. i have a lot to accomplish and i am in no hurry to be with anyone but myself and my work. my only client today was stacy, a very sweet and kind woman. i wish she had just taken better care of herself in the past. i was impressed with her color, it was the perfect shade of natural blond, the kinda that is hard to recreate. i hope she keeps up with it… just for a little while. i read some poems… i was revived after reading psalms earlier. reading inspirational poetry keeps me intrigued. god said, you are the company you keep pretty much. so keep the goodness and talent close. i sit on the roof deck for awhile with london. the breeze is sharp and brisk, but the sun keeps us warm. we discuss brandy and sipping on alcohol, its much more sophisticated. he said i was placed in this life to teach him patience. the calmness in my voice. and to help keep him focused. i say its to move forward and be much more creative, much more vibrant. i am so tired and the day is slow… drags a bit. i added lainey harrison on Facebook and looked at all her artwork. she is brilliant. and gorgeous. it is strange how much she resembles harry, they are like the same person. male and female. she is messy though, and i think makes up for her self conciseness with abrupt action and cockiness. who knows really. the first time i met her it was her birthday… nov.2, election day. it was a wild night and i managed to help get harry up and get her to work… an hour away, while we were both still drunk from the night before. the still quiet of the foggy morning. our hungover words, mine played out of my mouth like riddles. i only have another week to wait. and i will at least be within miles of him. i hope we get to at least see each other..live. i bike home … its dark and cold. i try and focus on moving. then to paint. the spot on my floor becomes comfortable and i play with watercolor. looking at her art today made me think about practicing. becoming better and actually creating. i said i needed to make art today. london said "artist with idle hands do the devils work". that is a southern thought… i think it is so true. if we have a spare still moment, we fill it with drugs. i fill mine with all sorts of… i just keep with the thin line of color and water. i am able to be precise and finish a few pieces. work on some that i sketched across country. the fuller hair girls… i'll get to the poems soon. i love painting. i like being able to listen to loud british rock and paint a fragile line. one abstract piece i did was inspired by a piece at moms sweet shop art show a few months back. i shouldn've bought the piece but i don't have a place for it. so i used my lack of skills to make something.. that is like what i wanted the outcome to be. i get so frustrated with my painting skills, or lack there of. i just need more training. more practice… and also a bit of self reassurance. i do this for hours. trying to fill my void.. the space. painting makes me feel like time is real and i have made it slow it's self with something that last. something i can have and hold. her art sparked so much emotion in me. harry was in a lot of the paintings. her creature is so bizarre. she paints herself alot. i guess i do as well.   but she had a write up about how we as humans are supposed to feel love and that is how we get close to god. man. god. man. god. man. god. man. the pattern continues. i just keep scratching around. i need to hear live music. need and want are two separate… i should take note of what is really a want. i just want to hold someone close now. and i think that person is actually accessible. i just have to ask. and really be ready to take the chance. i can't keep playing games with souls… feelings. this is one lord. i know that our life will be too weird to explain. i know that we will have to keep everything oh so quiet for it to succeed. if I'm not supposed to tell a soul… i can do that. with an exception of about… ten. im going to put it out there. in my dream world i dream of harry. i dream of sun shine and a porch swing. i dream of paints and pianos and children and security. i dream of a better life than mine, but only to better those of the  future. i already reside in heaven. thank you.