thirty.

this is where i get cold. when all the emotions are running through my head and i can't see either of anything really…

i woke up this morning, i decided to skip the doctors appointment… i don't have the money and i think made the stomach thing up out of fear. i believe now that fear is what holds humans back and consumes our minds, that is what keeps us from being truly happy and free. i know that outer wordily troubles are what keep us trapped in our own hell. i should start at the end of my day really. now i lay here and look around the room… does it all really mean nothing? all the artwork inspired by the past… the wonders of my childhood. "i remember my childhood". she was a weirdly wonderful six year old. they say that paul, in the bible, was able to speak of himself that way because he had faith in god. in a way that was so confident, it seems over confident. but what else could there be? i shiver and shake right now, too many emotions consume my soul and i have a feeling it will be hard to sleep. everything is the same in the room… but less, simpler.. yet so chaotic. my thoughts exactly. bible study with lindsey tonight was perfectly planned and exactly what i needed. i thought about it in yoga tonight.. i needed a spiritual moment. i needed to see people that were happy and hopeful & questioned and studied this spirit together. on this cold winter thursday night, the moon is still so bright. its that cold chill, the east coast. its like I'm trying to bring my parallel life together, but i can't somehow, it is still very separate. i see the long term future with it together… but for now i walk a very thin line of real and imaginary. the subject was how the worst person can become the best person for god. i believe that to know the light you must know the dark… the person that tries to defy him the most is really who loves him. humans are like this, not all of them, but i know that the passion i have in me must reside in others as well. we are all seeking happiness. i know longer need happy, its not my best personality. i like inquisitive or philosophical. and for now I'm going to be happy with being on the move. I'm going to be happy with being completely out of money, for awhile. I'm going to be happy with living on the west coast. i set out on this journey to learn about myself, to become more rounded. i have impeccable style and its only a matter of time before i could be come an actual stylist… well i already am… but its my faith that will help create this style. its wild to think… i could be something great because he allows me, i want to be someone great in his honor. it is exactly why i am where i am… in such a blessed environment. and i lie all the time, which is why i am so in debt. the money situation needs to be changed. i can't keep living this way… i need to keep the energy flowing, i need it to be moving through me so i can keep being a witness to his wonderful ways. you just have to surrender. you have to give it all up, and then you see the light. the path that i chose is difficult. its such a task that sometimes i think it would just be easier to … slow down and stay. but for some odd unrealistic hope and energy controls my life. some other source of …. hope. belief. it has everything and nothing to do with all of it. 

this morning was nice, to get acquainted to the new spot. its such a blessing to be able to experience this beach salon. it pretty much sits on the sand, across from the waves.. that will one day take it away. the roaring sea is only hundreds of feet away … i colored katelyns hair, i had pictured it different in my head. i need to start matching my visions a little be better. it still turned out really nice, i am just very distracted in my work these days. my head has been in too many directions and i keep losing focus. i keep seeing dreams from when i was a child, I'm living in those dreams now. on my way to kitty hawk, i drove along the beach road. it helps remind me that i live on an island, this is where i love.. but it is too small. the growth is not here… i thought about michelle and how i may have said too much and then what if the words get twisted… this town is closing in again. then right after her is joey. i sit up and lose my breath. just one, why is it that this kid keeps doing this to me? i did't see that coming. i realize while I'm at the salon that i almost made a huge mess, drama could've been avoided, but i had no idea what i was doing. I'm usually clueless to the chaos that i create. it upsets me… but i can't control this. 

i suppose it might have something to do with the veil of energy that trails behind me.

i was able to make it to yoga… but i needed to run home quickly. the guy who is working on the construction said…"beautiful women live in this house, must be the indian". it has to do with a lot of things. i show up .. "is that you." i see anne and smile. i am patient in walking over to see her… we hug. the huge that actually holds you in.. we started to cry. for a moment it was a lot.. like a release. "we've missed each other." her class today was calm and dark. i was front and center, but this is where i feel most comfortable. that is my escape, my release from the human world scattered about outside. while there… the light blue and candles relax my wandering mind. i move through with ease and almost trance like. its a much needed time for me to gather all of my visions. i see now what i have been missing. its the little things. but in order to grow i must keeping moving. 

i met peter tonight. something about his demeanor struck a chord with me. i think he would be a good fit for lindsey. his eyes were honest and i liked how his brain worked. he stayed after bible study and talked with us for hours. its nice to have real conversation that isn't based on ridiculous small bullshit that really means nothing. i feel selfish at times…I've tried to condense my exaggerations to close to none with these stories… i need to apply that to everything. he got me thinking… 

along with other things today, tupper called right after everyone left, wanted to know what cool things were going on… I'm not sure. its a quiet winter night to me… i like hearing his voice, i like that he calls. i seriously enjoy his company… brilliant guy. 

i look in the mirror at the end of the night…. after all the tears. i look tired and my skin is dry. i examine my body and determine that dim lighting is the only kind for me now. but i guess passion requires movement and touch… if you do it right, there will be not one still moment to notice the flaws. that is how i am living life now.