fifty.

quite the turn around. i couldn't grasp what this day was calling from me for awhile. i woke up and was motivated enough to go to yoga by the park. kaite got me going with texts from a chinese year book. she sent me pictures of the pages of her career, which is true and suited her. then she sent me pics of my traits, my best fitting jobs and also… that harry and i would never work.

a horse and a rabbit? not a pair.

this really got to me. it almost made me cry. i think that it is the exact feeling that i needed for the day. complete human failure. the worldly pleasures i was putting too much into. i think that i am too much. i must step away now.

the guy that i placed my mat beside sparked a quick interest in me. it was nothing in particular, just maybe the interest in his eyes. i tried to focus but was so dizzy with regret for even opening up to harry… that i was all over the place. then i noticed the guy had isaiah 40:31 and 1:17 tattooed on his calf. i thought about this and was very anxious to look them up.. i need something, anything and this seemed too obvious, too easy.

they were exactly what i needed to hear. keeping going, those of the lord will rise up like eagles… and learn to do well.

this is what i must keep doing, the self doubt has to end. i told him i needed those scriptures in my day, this started our conversation. i didn't waste much time, neither did he. he asked for my number.. then he said something every strange.. "you look like you have a different way of spelling your name.." how did he know? we had a bit of small talk, i felt that need to hurry off as usual, but not before i asked him if he had found a church in the area… i think we might go on saturday evening.

i was glad for this and we biked off separate ways. jason.

i went for ride to the loft to get a massage with jeanette, i am raised and very tight in my shoulders.. all the weight. i am trying to just relax and breathe and focus on positive, but I'm having so much difficulty. 

the ride home is nice, I'm just glad that the sun is out. I'm getting bored with all of it, isn't that sad? only a few weeks in and i already want more. typical.

i eat a small lunch and write, then i need to take a nap. it was very unfortunate that i skipped all of my activity with ali, i must have been out of it.. i didn't hear her call. my dreams again here odd, i was at an airport leaving and i brought a wine glass with me, left it sitting on the stairs and ali came to get it.. and my dad was there watching the sunset… but it was so stunning and gone in an instant. 

i guess i needed to escape the world with dreaming, i was just so over my mood. i forced myself to eat.. very plain food that is healthy. i feel so gross and bloated that i don't' even want to eat. the sunset is a vibrant pink, i sit and admire all the lights… the boats, the bay of long beach. i don't find peace here… i bike to yoga, it is a nice quiet ride. the entire time i am still obsessing about the day. i reflect on my phone conversation with shell.. "what do you want?" and then i have to balance that with… what i actually need… and then god's plan for me.

restorative yoga is where i belong for the evening. it is time to detox myself of all the toxins that are holding me back, that are keeping me introverted and making me feel disgusting. i just need a clean start, a reset. this class helped. her voice was calm and desirable, like she knew something that we didn't. as usual she asked how to pronounce my name… "its as if mom knew that it would spark instant curiosity".

she guided us through a very still class, one where you had plenty of time to breath and think. i opened up my shoulders and back… resting in almost bearable positions. trying to mediate and be only there, in the moment.

i biked home and snacked… then i had to renew myself. i made a sugar scrub and cleansed myself, painted my nails… the coconut oil releived some tension.

i had a moment where i missed the summer girls.. susie and lindsey. they are such beautiful women, they cross my mind every so often. i miss their love and support greatly.. i guess that is why i am so sad… my support system is so very far away. 

i decided to watch a sermon. i needed to hear the gospel and change up my perspective. i know that where i am headed is for good, otherwise… how could it be so wonderful. nothing in my life is bad… i have a comfortable place to live, my best friend is down the street. i live downtown in a city in california, seriously? what am i complaining about? i need love.

it is a sermon on assured faith… how you will not love the world if you do not love the father. if you can love the father, you can love the world. john 2:15

i can relate to this, i understand it. i have grown bitter to the world, but that is a sin, i need to get over my depressed state and rejoice in what god has given me. yes, he took away my friends, my comfort, my family… but he is going to give me so much in the future, that i should not be upset and long for these things…i can give them up here on earth, for i know that i will have all of it in heaven.

the brighter side of life is what i am experiencing, even with in my sorrow… i have to smile with what i have been given.

i need to set aside my idols (harry) and move on to more faith.

if i keep my faith in god, he will give me what i need. he will grant my wishes true, and i will find happiness. i need to not be so passive… not anymore. i need to claw and shatter glass, make a statement, make a noise… for i am not the quiet soul that you may mistake me to be. i am a child of god.