twenty.eight.

the morning is gray and cloudy, I'm already anxious about the amount of time that i have wasted. i slept still, i look that same as the night. i immediately need to read a poem.. pslam 14. i try and take it in, my first actions of the day need to adjust themselves. kait calls and i look at some photos. i felt the urge to see ashtons instagram… its all motocross and traveling, i am so thankful that he is achieving his dreams, i was holding him back. it was nice to know that he was my past, such an amazing time that i was able to experience. it taught me that love is real and he will treat you like a princess. we have to get moving.. as much as i would like to eat breakfast with tupper.. i have things to do. i get high and laugh at my morning routine. this is how i am.. he gives me the bowl we smoked from last night. i really really wanted it.. it was black and white striped.. matches my shirt. my style, reminds me of dr. seuss. a few minutes later he says "i think that is harry's bowl, he bought it last summer to have one here" then tupper gave it to me.. there are plenty of others around here, have it. i love this gift. its odd how all the signs i see point towards what i think i want..the slow ride home down the beach road, we listen to billy joel on cassette. its the simple form of music that takes us back to our childhood. i get to my truck..and i fall in love a with a song. furr by blitzen zero? I'm not sure.. but the story is my love song. i listened to it over and over.. and helped kait move a filing cabinet into the shop. its this that i miss.. friends. my small island rainy days… that i have time to myself and i listen to music and write. i have so much to accomplish, so many people to see. i think i will get out of the house and see some faces…

the coffee shop is in an old cottage along duck road, the single line street that leads you nowhere. i visit lindsey for a few hours and enjoy really good coffee. its nice to see her in person and catch up. the day is perfect. then to oasis day salon, the place is beautiful and takes me by surprise when i first walk in. i could see myself working here. i want to be a part to this beautiful place with these women. i could work all over this beach and make money. I'm just so excited about what is going to happen that i have anxiety. i want to be here more and more. i stay for a few hours and feel many emotions. i like to just hang out and listen to music, it makes you feel at peace once you leave. i go see ryan after.. pick him up and relive my trip down the woods trail. i like calling tupper and talking with him on the phone, he is a cool character. we stay there for a minute and visit… then back to ryans to cook food. it is wild to hear the thunderstorm outside, the flashes and crashes that remind me of summer. i feel the unsteadiness here and everyone is occupied with their iPhone, just being in the room and not really present. so much else is going on elsewhere. i get too high and perhaps over think the situation. either way i kinda freaked myself out and now I'm not sure where I'm going… the human race is making me tired. I'm almost over it. i fall asleep on the couch trying to watch donnie darko. my head hurts so bad with a headache. i just know and can feel that something crazy wild is going to happen, I'm just not sure where the right place to be is. i sit on the bathroom floor and contemplate what is happening. praying is the only thing that is  keeping me sane. the very few pieces of advice.. grounding me. i just want to be able to see what i am supposed to do… I'm not going to asheville tomorrow. i see how it could be best for me… i need to give it a break. its not like he has time for me, its not like he really wants to see me. i think i am fighting a losing battle with this one.