fifty.five.

this day would be different.

i woke up early, with a sense of exhaustion and stillness. i was able to get out of bed easier, ahead of time, almost.

i had to pack a new book bag, this one is much more comfortable. the cool foggy weather made the city seem somewhat desolate. i wasn't sure what way to feel, quickly i was going up and down. my soundtrack to work was wonderful, many of my favorite songs shuffling through… "furr" being one of them. i knew that everything was going to be … never the same again. starting today. i thought about silly things, like boys. I'm still not convinced that harry is gone, i can still feel him in my thoughts, today only a bit less. its a weird feeling because i am still almost certain that it will all work out. but i know how quickly a plan can change, and how one hello can shift everything. 

i must point out a few details that i left off about yesterday. as if i don't already believe that life is a choreographed dance, we almost ran right into each other at the doorway of the theatre. a velvet curtain separating us. he showed up to the after party… i remember the exact look he gave me, just above his glasses. there is a calm coolness about him. something so soft and delicate, but with the most powerful solidness. like platinum.

he said something that made me feel amazing. "something interesting was said about you, london referred to you as his muse… if this is the case, a man like him saying that about you… you must be special". i was amazed. perhaps london and i… our love runs deeper than most will understand. austin could see this, immediately.

i arrived at work weary and somehow thought a locked door was locked… trish came downstairs and helped me in, even though i could've just walked in the door myself. the place was a wreck and i tried to get there early, but i only made it by ten minutes, which technicaly is still late. i could feel an eerie quiet. it just didn't feel right.  the trail that was left behind was so bad. i walked to put my bike out back and noticed that london had left his glass and cigar on the counter. i could smell the sour… his leather jacket and hat placed neatly on the chair beside his. trish gathered a few lost things, a cell phone and an earring. his station was spilled over everywhere, his name plate on the floor.

i sat down and discussed my horrid feeling, my hand on my heart. i became so overwhelmingly upset, and frustrated. this can't be happening. for some reason i assumed the worse, i could picture the remainder of my life without him. i didn't want to see this life anymore. i slowly walked out back and tried to put together more of the pieces, somehow i stayed so calm. almost tranquilized. i walked to the edge of the porch and knelt down, into the fettle position and began to cry. "please don't take him from me yet, not yet." i cried and prayed, open my eyes to see my guitar pick… reality is negotiable. yes, yes indeed every second of it is…

she came out to see me, "you have a client". i know she had to have been a bit confused, but so was i. i could picture losing him, it hurt too much. i was begging, not yet. 

i thought about so much and fear took over. 

life without london. wow how that would shift a few things around. i was able to compose myself enough to give so much away to my clients today. 

the first one was a passionate woman, but her looks did not match her. she seemed just tired and malnourished, I'm not sure. her hair was thin and gray, her complexion as nice, but very bland. she was immediately in love with me… but i could sense that she needed me, so i fought through all my emotion and tried to focus. it wasn't about the hair, it was about the conversation. the next girl was one of london's clients, her hair was so textured and thick that i couldn't even imagine that i could get the outcome i was able to achieve. it took so much time and effort, but the end result was very straingt, i may have taken a bit much from the cut, but her hair was so damaged.she was in high school and after some short conversation, i wasn't engaged anymore and couldn't interest her with a story. i didn't feel like talking about anything, i guess i could've utilized my time better?

we got the call that london was alive and was going to skip work… i couldn't have pictured seeing him anyway.

i placed his hat and coat up on his hanger, to keep it all alive and organized. i tried to focus on my day and be happy and positive, but i couldn't so well. tami came back today and between her and dori's negative energy, i was exhausted and over hearing about it.

i wonder what is really bothering them? is this life just not enough for them to be happy?

i fell asleep sitting up on the porch today, it was cold, so i sat in the most sunshine i could find, napping for about an hour. 

my last haircut was nice, a guy who is a repeat. he's cute, older and probably very successful, he asked to hang out sometime. i dunno, i say no at first usually to try and prevent it from being harder to say no later. this is why only gay relationships with men are possible with me. its all the commitment and love i can handle.

i try and get out of there, but i feel gilty for leaving, but i think nine hours in a salon is enough. this is a "job"

i catch the end of a sunset and get home just in time to eat with oliver and andrew. they have been cooking the most delicious vegetarian meals lately and I'm thankful they share.

feeling drained and stoned, i sat on the couch and watched two "chick flicks"... someimtes its just inevitable. both being cute, the second was a good depiction of how traveling the country is like. seeing a few land marks and sights that i have seen before. 

i still can't believe that we pulled something like that off.. and so gracefully. i regret not having more fun… but i am just so melodramatic that you can't tell my emotions, i have a poker face of champions. the still silhouette of my emotion will come in handy more in the furute. i regret very few things.

all of this is a dream with in a dream.

its as if i've been here all along,

only the time has changed

and an era has come and gone.

very impressed. he kept running around in my mind. i wonder if he'll be a staple or a fad.

I'm going to guess the latter.

either way, i want to stare into his eyes again.

i wasnt planning on this 

he wasn't supposed to appear so soon

and now i must cut ties.

tightening the strings for just one more time, 

one more time to experience his song…

his dream, within my dream.