twenty.one.

i fell asleep with all the lights on.. the computer in my lap, glasses.. and slept all night. i didn't sleep well, but i also didn't have the consciousness to get up and put everything away. i woke up late and couldn't find my cellphone.. another cold cloudy day in california. i have a brunch date with ali, we go to the creme cafe, I'm slightly disappointed with the siting area, it was noisy and loud. i can see why the patio would be a cool place to be. my blueberry muffin was amazing, the coffee was ok. we spotted a boutique across the way which lured us in with maxis and bright colors. the most lovely leslie greeted us and we ended up spending hours with her trying on clothes. it reminded me of kat at luxury.. I'm like a mannequin that is fun to dress. i found a striped shirt and some comfortable purple pants… i passed up the love of my life hat, which i actually deserved, but i will not let it consume my thoughts anymore. i will continue on. we shopped around a bit more but nothing caught our eye like that first store. we ventured to a hat shop down at the pike, london was telling me about it. that is somewhere i would like to return. they had a lovely display case with top hats. they are my favorite. the shoreline shops reminded me of home, the abandoned colored shops that are quiet and mostly closed for the off season, I'm sure in the summer it is quite the opposite. i am so happy to be out shopping and spending time with ali. we had bloody mary's with a late lunch snack at a nice restaurant on the wharf. i continued to dream about the hat… its my brain that obsesses. its exhausting. i am now all jittery and have a hard time slowing my brain down for a quick name. my heart races and i am nervous. my dreams are really vivid and colorful but i don't recall any of the details. yoga was intense and it brought out a few emotions. i always feel like I'm training for something. he opened the class with… don't be upset if you can't practice like you once did, you must shift and adapt. you must allow yourself the chance to be different everyday. i felt like he was speaking to me, we have a lot in common. towards the middle i was feeling so much pain that i began to cry, the one intense breath, the tears eased … then i felt like releasing, except i just had to move on. we stretched and twisted in a way that loosened my muscles and made me realize how hard i have worked to get where i am. it was nice to be still after and relax. then bike ride back to alis coastline home. we laugh and discuss listening to great music to under the sea footage.. will that really be created? who knows. i bike home and just in time before the rain falls. i can't wait to eat soup and avocado and color my hair. whenever i feel emotion or have something to do or prepare for.. i color my hair. i did a modification to my haircut and added more blonde at the bottom, I'm just a bit bored with what is happening. i love it, just slight changes. i feel the need to engage with human flesh now. i need a mouth, i want intimacy. i promise i do, i think i might be ready finally. i have this tendency to try and picture my entire future every day all the days. I'm trying to focus on now. i want to look at lifes questions a bit different. i have an entirely different perspective now and i can see that i have so much work to accomplish. i think now that i have learned to spread out a bit i can start to refine the skills i have, and work i have already done will help to guide me to this new…. this continuum of beauty and light. i am being nurtured by the surroundings and experices that i have. i look at my last day on this earth as a beautiful day. so i will make each one help lead me to the ending. 

oh yes… i was almost hurt with my pedal and a stray shoestring on my way to ali's before yoga, as i rounded the corner i felt something pull and with one more stroke i fell over but caught my hand on a palm tree, this woman was coming up the hill and said.. "praise jesus!" she began to talk with me "i am so thankful to be riding down that hill, i do it everyday and then walk my bike back up. the whole time it is so dangerous but i have time to stop and thank jesus for allowing me to do this". she told me about her four daughters and her knee and hip replacements. its like the free falling was her worship. its small moments like that that make me smile. i continued with psalms and proverbs tonight while i waited for the bleach to lighten my hair.. i like psalm 2. really all the poems are exactly the amount of written passion that i am needing. i throw words around a lot like love, and need… i want different words.