another continuum of time that leaves me writing in the morning instead of night. its funny how quickly the mind puts things together and then quickly lets them go… i woke up in my amazing bed. the calirfonia king that inspired everything. the room is my sense of peace, my piece of heaven. i just love the space, that quiet, the birds. it was almost cloudy in the morning, i couldn't force myself out of the warmth for yoga. the lack of sleep put my body in a coma state and i needed the time to decompress. my dreams were rapid, i don't recall a thing. i start my morning talking to shell and immediately crying. the drive to her house down the beach road.. seeing the changes, the houses being rebuilt after the storm… the new dunes. the lilllian house is done, whoever stayed last season… they were the last for the peach and blue cottage. it has seen many wonderful summers I'm sure, prime real estate. i love shell's house on starfish… it was just as we left it… dr. suess still on the chalkboard. tupper on the couch… shell editing photos. that night in november where we put everything together. we get chills when we think about the future of what we have in front of us. rainy day haircuts in the kitchen, just a little light from the small window. it was a good cut, i could've stopped sooner… but the music was so good. tupper went and got us lunch, brie-L-T from coastal, brings back memories of work at divas. last minute jazz night… a cool ensemble of people. i texted a lot of friends to come hang out.. it was too cold and last minute for all that. its ok, i still have plenty of time on this beautiful cold island. seeing the faces i did… shell drove right past eckner… we just drive, its like we were just leaving again. i was nervous, my heart beat was fast and i wasn't sure what to expect. the thing about here… its always somewhat predictable. kait showed up just as we did… i missed her so much. its just comforting to have that connection, the small bar smells the same and still greets me with a smile. seeing those that supported me along this journey is such a magical moment. elwang hugs me, he feels that same except his hair looks amazing. a german woman who loved him immediately gave it to him, he has the effect on people… and he shares my passion for giving love and happiness. that is why i love him, he helps reassure me that this dream life i lead is a reality. he is so beautiful.. I'm wearing my hat and silver fur… looking too ridiculous for the situation, but i suppose i make an impression. the fur is appropriate, i love that it keeps me so warm and safe… i want to wear her forever. I'm not sure if she will come back with me.. london advised me to leave her home since it is so dry out west. after a few glasses of red wine i decide to go to the recording studio with tupper. I'm chasing greenery and inspiration… and i love the murder hole. it is tucked away in the silence of the woods in kitty hawk. the winding road that leads you to nowhere, but exactly where i want to be. far away… the moon is full and is only captured my memory. something worth painting. we get stoned and walk around, the stillness is what i miss. i like knowing that no one is close, the reflection of the blue light.. the silhouettes of twisted trees. its all the chill of brilliance. we listen to icthymane and hound dogs recordings for ever… adjusted a few things. seeing the beautiful grand piano… we ate some chocolate shrooms for fun, it made me laugh a little more. hearing harry's voice just takes me away every time. its like all the moments of my life connected together as i listened and remember… i dreamed the future for a bit. his sound is so original and leaves me scratching for more. the thickness.. the genius full sound. i closed my eyes and i think i saw elvis recording through that glass… but i open and instead I'm surrounded by high tech computer screens. we watch rare footage of the very first hound dog show.. i don't even think i was there. i remember the beginning. i've always been around.. in the shadow. the songs are beautiful. most of the recordings are raw and done years ago.. in the woods of southern shores. one song in particular… time goes by. harry wrote it when he was seventeen. it was one of those timeless originals… something that would live on forever. the generations to enjoy this song, I'm estatic. i want to just get it out there… "its not mine to put out there" -tupper. true. all the pieces haven't been found yet… we continued to get stoned and listen until that time was over. then we hitch hiked across china in a week. the documentary was inspiring.. it was real and simple. david shoe, and artist from san fransciso and his cousin… they travel with people, that don't even speak the language. i learned a lot and after, felt that i had traveled with them… it taught me that we as humans are connected in a way that we will never be able to explain.. not through science… only through a god that created us.. to be as one soul together. we have to sleep.. i stare out the window and see the trees.. the black figures standing and staring back at me. the decisions we make now effect everything. i go and lay beside him, this is the moment i hate. but it is also somewhat of a complement. he puts his arm around my stomach and we cuddle close, i put on piano music to calm my breathing. i need sleep… and i can't get tangled up with yet another person here. i think back on the day.. it was one of my favorites so far, i wanted to keep it innocent. i think I'm going to no have intimacy this year with anyone new… i don't need sex to survive. i need to find real love… I'm too tired and much too talented to waste energy with giving it away… my body is a gift.
"if you want it bad enough, you will find a way to make it happen"-ed tupper
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