forty.

look at where are we are, look are where we started at… i need your name. -hot chip

i woke up this morning to the unexpected. i like this much better than the routine. i needed it to be different and exciting, a taste of my future. its like how you need to just make love.. i did a photo shoot. the inspiration was a bit… retro beautiful beach style, the mood was dark and rich … needed to be a bit more put together. better planned next time, but this is what i love to do. i like to just create art through photography. i am a photographers best friend and i need to work with them more. keeping people looking the most beautiful they can be. 

the time flew forward and it was hard to wake up, so i just laid around. the darkness of my room keeps me in here sometimes too long… but the dark is comforting. i ate breakfast, knowing the day would be long. ian gave me a ride north. i like spending time with him, his is a really good person. and he thought i was ridiculous to hire a cab. he complimented my non drama personality, i am thankful for this. the day was so beautiful, everything was timed perfectly. this could be a fun few years.. its just a matter of time. i got there very early, but i was also a bit anxious. hanging out on the beach and seeing all the people, all the action. thank goodness i live in my own world. we play dress up in real life. "reality is negotiable". i waited outside as the people started to text, it was like playing tag. james said "its like a CIA meeting" everyone describe where they were and what they were wearing… "I'm in a hat". the models are beautiful people. they were really nice and all had wonderful features. i just didn't know what to expect… "hello love!" i was so excited to see will.. but he is not good at hugging. I'm noticing that a lot of people here are not that good at it. it has a lot to do with … how you love i think. we are all just using each other… everyone loved my necklace, the "dog tags" it seems.. while we are on tour, i hold his heart closet to mine. it may be all made up, either way it comforts me.. and i want the world to hear their music. i honestly do.. its going to be great. the second time today someone said.. who is going to be the next rockstar? i know him. oh my god, i know the next rockstar. and i am literally in the land to land them a job. a good paying job.. to feed the masses the sounds of the beatles… i love talking about him and his music. the make.up turned out better than my expectations… devin has wonderful curls and a stunning everything. she is going to be something wonderful.. playing so many different characters. james was a former mma fighter… where do u go after that, acting. andy is was stunning. he literally had the most perfect teeth. i like the picture of what was going on… but all of it is very weird at the same time. it was set on the beach in santa monica. it was beautiful to see the mountains forever off into the ocean, from every angle. i can't even understand all that i was able to take in… i was on a creative high all day today. 

lauren was beautiful. i want to be her friend. that is how you meet people… i could've been a bit quieter.. but i felt comfortable with her… something about her. her beautiful red hair, cranberry complimented her blue eyes perfectly. i told her about this book, not something i should share anymore.. maybe the most vague description, but people feed off of me… as i do with others. that is why i need to keep some things private. this is what i have a hard time doing….. PRIVATE. 

learn to do this in the future. i am very excited from now on. it is something special. i was blessed this sunday with the perfect day. like a day in heaven, when all of my dreams came true. i live in california, i am a stylist, i work with creative people. crafting beauty.. then we went to venice. ian was able to get daniel out of the house. i love the both of them.. we walked the boardwalk and i bought random things. two fairy like felt pen black drawings. they are so weird and strange and relative to what i would draw. they are dressed similar to me… only thirty dollars and she gave me a small print with cats playing a harp. i could easily sell art at something like this.. and they band could play. it was so wild to see all the people, so many beautiful people, all dressed in the trends, hurrying around… I'm so glad that i am comfortable exectly how i am. a guy that reminded me of erik, a bum like guy on the boardwalk had a sign that said "run away with me, lets take a train". he asked me to run away and escape the world with him. i actually considered it for about four seconds… there was something about his face, about his smile. i had met him before… all our souls have just separated… and i've known him before. but i kept walking. i saw lots of bob dylan, einstein and audrey artwork today, all of it inspired me to keep going. i also bought michelle some earrings, i think because, no… its because i love her and that is what you do for friends… that you love. i have fallen in love with so many friends lately, its about releasing all jealously and letting the world take its toll on all of us the same. i am only human. ian joked "its an omen that he looked like your ex". its funny because i miss ashton these days, only sometimes. i had a dream with him.. and today he liked some of my things. made me think about him and how i am so proud of him that he is back into motocross racing. i know i still love him, he is an amazing guy, i just don't know him anymore. but it wasn't that long ago.. funny how time works. 

its wild how love works. just knowing that you don't need another soul.. wow that is very intense.. that is enough about feelings for one day.

we had a quick drink and snack after walking, on our way back.. as the sun was setting in venice, i could see that things were getting strange. we had to go pick of ian's work truck, a big tow truck. the things i do on a daily here are so unpredictable. i just love it.. and i hope that will and i can work together for several years to come… making insanely brilliant movies together. we can actually do this. one step at a time. today i absolutely love my life. the blessing of hard work.