fifty.one.

he shed his blood for me. the least i can do is be thankful.

i woke up late and couldn't get motivated. this seems to be the trend the last few days.. not much motivation.

i was able to get ready… but not in a timely manner. my face is acting up and that makes me stare in the mirror longer… takes up too much time.

i don't have much motivation with clothes.. they bore me today. i wear things that are comfortable, clothes that have been around for awhile. the sun is out and it is going to be a beautiful day in california. my ride to work is nice, the wind is blowing just a little bit. i can feel that i am tired, drained even.. my legs are sore. i start to think too much, i try and stay in the present… but i can't. i become overwhelmed with thoughts.. maybe mainly of dad, and i began to cry. its a lot more difficult to cry and ride a bike. the tears are always followed with laughter with how silly i am… that i let the guys landscaping see me cry like that.

i get to work and it is immediate chaos, i try and smile and get my bike up the stairs without anyone noticing the tears.

i am able to disguise things well.. and no one really cares.

my first client is a repeat, i don't know why i am immediately upset with her. looking back now.. i feel some remorse with not connecting with her. i am sure she may have had something to teach me, but instead i stayed very distant. her color didn't turn out how i had expected… not far from it, but not what she really wanted either. i was just frustrated with the fact that we didn't really have anything in common. i was very frustrated and overwhelmed with my own made up nonsense… that i couldn't even begin to relate to her life. the color seemed like it lasted for days, it was only four hours.

afterwards i was so excited to leave the salon and walk down the street.. all the way to olives. i haven't walked this far , but i was thankful for the adventure. i can see myself becoming a regular here.. their salad bar looked good. london chose our pizza and we had a few vegetables as sides. sitting outside and looking around, i was very quiet. i don't' say much, and usually what comes out is just a mess and seems harsh. i am thankful that he can read me and understands what i am going through. he is a very comforting soul, he knows this. like he said "a lot of people become obsessed with him." i tend to have a similar effect. imagine us, together.

our lunch was quick and he expressed how he has wanted to do this for a long time. his excitement is subtle, i suppose that is part of the beauty.

we get back and go our separate ways, i explore some and write. then i get a walk in, she is another repeat. i enjoy this woman. she reminds me of aunt kathy and i am very thankful. she decided to get her color done, i am very thankful for this and try and take the time with her.  i connect much better… my ride home was nice. it was a bit chilly and breezy.. i go to rite aid to get a note pad and liquor. i end up getting shaving creme as well because there is a good sale. johnny walker whiskey scotch is also on sale.. the cashier is concerned with my young appearance, we laugh it off.. she gets distracted and I'm not sure that i was rung up right, but i think i only paid fifteen dollars for everything… 

i go home and immediately start to paint and drink. i needed to get some things out on paper.. my usual naked girl, but this time is has a lot more detail. i make a nice skin color and get a buzz and trail through the book.. painting over all the penciled characters. i wish i would've slowed down and paid more attention to detail, but this is why i was drinking.. so i wouldn't hold back. i have the vision and i am beginning to be able to create a similar outcome. i am very blessed to be able to paint, this is what grounds me, allows me to meditate, and create something that is permanent. i make some beans, as i am not very hungry. i think i am going to start eating a very small dinner and just having a few drinks… writing and sketching and stretching. that is what spring will be for me. creating art. figures that are a bit quirky and recreated, they must have more emotion.. more edge.

i wander out to get water and end up watching a very interesting documentary about social interaction with daniel and ian. it opens my eyes to a few things, makes me realize that not everyone was loved the way that i was. my parents loved me and taught me all the basics to build a good foundation for my adulthood. i know how to hold people and care for them. i know how to give them things that they want.. just by talking. 

this is dangerous and exhausting, but it is something that i was blessed with.

so strange indeed that is reminds me of how persuasive i can be… i feel like i can get away with anything.. but that is indeed not the case.