forty.nine.

the day is sad. i had terrible dreams last night, ones that i woke up remembering very clearly. they were tragic, things in the world were not good. the oil rigs in long beach were on fire, and it was time to go.

other strange things were taking place as well.

rachel vancuren was dating ashton hewitt. what if i still love him?

or does it symbolize letting the past take its toll.. and to let it go. i am not involved anymore.

harry was there wondering around . he is alway there.

i am a startled and woken quickly by the construction guys, they need to be let in to in to check out the apartment, the renovations will take place next month, they are going to be tearing a bunch of holes in our walls… great.

the overall tone is sad… i start my period and then call mom. i love that i can talk to her for awhile at the end of her work day, just as mine is beginning. i miss her too much to be this far away. remember, this is only temporary. 

i do laungdy and cook myself a good lunch, i had all intentions of running with ali, but instead we take syd on a walk to the market and buy a bunch of cake. i get vegetable, i'm planning on a slight veggie diet. i think i might make some juice. ali makes dinner and i hang out and watch videos of the coat hangers. i ruined my connections with them, of well. star stuck? nope, i just went and threw up in the hotel room instead.

they are just awesome quirky girls that i knew once. julia liked my hair and oh so quickly gave me her number… huh.

i uploaded some video online that i found on my phone.

i am upset with a lot of things right now. i just feel so frustrated. i want to smash and break things, i want to tear them down and shatter glass. i want to hold human flesh near but i know that this is my life. the life of solitude, for a long long time.

i have dinner with ian and daniel, i contemplate heavy drinking, no… just a sip, in a glass. something to ease the pain and lighten me up a bit. this serious side is a drag. i need to lighten up.

i fall asleep watching the new version of the lorax by dr. seuss.

the colors are pretty and it reminds me of the vhs rentals that we used to get as a child.

i tell mom about this book… i try and ignore all the signs of the day. 

i am blind now and can't' see the words… i need to research a few artist.

i don't want to believe that i am psychic. i want to just believe that i have siked myself out and that we are all…. can i see the future?

we are doomed.

not we…. but the world. the earthly world is done.

what more is there? does any of this even matter? i can't see how it can keep going.