twenty.

my life is a poem. the level of creativity that 

i am about to become

exposed to is going to be

amazing.

my plea. my prayer.

i need that natural medicine.

the taste of another

soul. the perfect dose of

human flesh

leaning against me.

pushing me forward

and holding me still

so i can feel again.

a HEART beat.

can we still be who we were 

who we are.

who we were when i met you

that day. you don't remember

the beginning. the fact that you

were the creator  of the love 

and

soundtrack of my summer.

the reason i danced. NOTHING 

will ever change the fact that 

harry harrison sang to

me for two years. sometimes

four times a week. our

close encounters "he's just

a crush". does he even know? 

I have no idea. he doesn't have time. 

(january 18 2013)

isn't it ironic. well i am a mess here tonight, not really. just the sniffles. and i listen to a remix of stevie nicks landslide with jay-z. of course. its just funny because i can see my life going so many different paths. i woke up and its was cold and cloudy, its just makes my body move slower. and i had and idea that i could move this way.. i wore a nice silk army green shirt that i bought in nyc. and my san francisco socks. stella and dot necklace.. johnny cash bracelet… st. john bracelet. my nine west boots.. a scarf from luxury, she got it in nyc. my asheville ring and irony bone earrings from Haiti. my hair is piled on top of my head, a hepburn type of bridgot toss. it was quite interesting. everyone around me notice.. i was booked all day. this is going to be fun, especially since i have my own lofty… style. relax. my first client was very beautiful. the second was nice, and not hard to please. her hair turned out so beautiful. i just love making natural blended color that looks natural. that looks just like a childs hair, from the sun and playing in a well water swimming pool. its just that simple. the adversitiement is in the demeanor. i promise i just need this time to myself. to see those that i love. this whole "brave" thing? i have self discipline. just a tad. 

the fruit on the rooftop early on reminded me of sitting in the garden with mimi, her screened in porch. we would have coffee and breakfast and then shop and mess in the flowers. i would work with wood and crafts in papa's shed. she had so much going on in there. i can still remember the smell.. i can see all the odd things. i just needed to be thankful for every second of my life, i was nervous. excited. and a little out of breath. when i walked back inside, he was right there… the reflection of his blonde hair… that feeling when everything is numb, something escapes out of your chest. maybe its your soul… but it took a breath, spinning circles… when i thought i was out of the way, i was spinning in circles in the mirror. proves I'm human i suppose. the ringing of his voice. I'm sure he is taken and in this world i live in now… boys like boys. and he is too beautiful to like a girl. 

his mother is a hairstylist… from new jersey. the east coast boys.. he is like my rich. i miss him a lot, the man taught me so much, he showed me how to style beautiful wedding styles. timeless updos. that i will bring back… in a sense of style. I'm thankful that i am busy, all day. all the dynamics of my day are so enjoyable now that i am glad for the routine, for the time and the ease of the day. it is somehitng that i would like to return to. as it is intended to be. a little dash of heaven. i promise as soon as i get back… i can commit. i just want it all to flow. i need more yoga. more of a workout for my body and soul. i need to see anne especially. she is what influenced that extreme opening of doors. i needed wine and was thankful to see ollie and andrew in the kitchen tonight. its like people want me around? i love my roommates. i was thankful to be able to paint and look around into their past… the poems and words i write to myself and don't remember. its nice to look back and see… i can't even believe that this is real life. to have this opportunity . don't know .. but i think I'm using it to its best. i am so very estactic about the next year. it is going to be a beautiful fight for the finish line. i can feel it now. i had a woman ask me what my passion was… that was perfect. music. i am passionate about love. i have passion for being an example of love and how to be beautiful. and i want to create a picture that says so many words… more words than could ever be spoken. listening to elton john, its funny because we listened to his music all the time. 

2.18.13 

This morning I was late, but I feel beautiful today. Thank God. I did. I haven't met a boy since harry... That makes my stomach drop... And all the jitters.. Giggles. Interior chaos... Reminds me of when I first met sterling.... The world went blank for a moment. Oh my goodness. All the boys! I asked in my journal for that love... My bike ride this morning??? Consumed with thoughts of a partnership. I want it so bad that I'm biting, I'm scratching... All that evil trapped. His voice sets me at ease. If he talked to me that way... I would feel. Pleasure.