eighty.seven.

waking up before the sun is something that i will have to get used to, but i am not and california at this time on a friday morning…is non existent. i got ready quickly and will and i headed out the door.  we were driving he joked that this would be the perfect time to shoot an apopocaliptic movie, it really looked like no one lived in LA. our ride was strange through a couple different towns. just outside of LA things a weird, very rundown and random ordered strip malls. the closer we got to the movie set in claremont, the prettier things became off in the distance. you could see the santa ana mountains… we were a little late on set, arriving just at 730 to a lovely house that had the feeling of being in the country.   it was a lot to take in, i noticed first the amazing sliver stream liner and then all the beautufilul people. we had to set up quick and get hair and make.up going. i worked on paige first… she was a tall strange looking character, best described as model like. i liked her features, eyes…. hair… the gap in her front teeth. she wasn't the prettiest person… but she was defiantly beautiful on camera.  it was a quick make.up with the style team to get everyone ready and dressed for the start of the shoot. the stylist were cute, too friends who immediealty made me take off my skirt to be put in the video… they loved it. so did i, will complimented it immedialty as well.  i worked quickly at transforming all the girls into eccentric "coachella" like festival angels. all of them were so beautilufl that it wasn't a difficult task at all. i was able to meet mackenzine who played the little curly girl in seventh heaven and also young dexter. both who were very normal looking people… who just happened to have jobs working on television. i guess you could say I'm not really starstruck because i don't really keep up with either of the shows. it was just neat to have the experience of working on their make.up… helping them put on body tanner.

it was really fun to work with garrett again. i really enjoy him on set, he is very supportive and helpful and i see him as one of the most talented photographers that i have been able to work with. something about him is so intriguing… he is smart,very wise and also oddly attractive. i would say that it is safe to say that he is impressed with my work. after the first few scenes we took a break and sat in the shade to talk… sitting around with these model people.. i felt compelled to take pictures…but i did not take enough at all. it was upsetting because it was my art that was on their bodies, but I'm just not the kind of girl that snaps a bunch of photos of "celebrities". i needed to be in one myself… but that didn't happen either. i tried to be social and talk to a few of them…i was excited that devin was on set and we knew each from the last shoot in santa monica. it was fun to just relax and chat… the stylist girls were complimenting me and asking me questions. the lunch that was prepared for us was amazing… a Mediterranean style buffet of hummus and cucumber salad.. this same meal keeps reappearing. oh so good. i felt like i was in a greece, sitting at the table with the women of the house talking about how they grew up in georgia. i met an adorable couple that when to school in north carolina at duke, they were neat and her boyfriend was in the music industry. i did get to meet the lead guy of jacks mannequin… him and his wife and dog were very lovely and normal… i didn't even know who he was until after he had already left the set. thats how oblivious i can be. the afternoon shoot was fun… they planned for everyone to jump in a pool and then i had to get everyone cleaned up and dressed in white… redoing everyone's make up and painting them with colored paint. we finally listened to the song that the video belonged to… it is a good one. synesthesia… meaning relating one sense to another… with color in this case. the last part was in a field where they danced around throwing colored indian powder at each other. i helped with the movement of colored ribbon… i also was able to go in and explore this trailer that appeared to have belonged to ben harper and the innocent criminals. it was so cool in there… another silver liner that i suppose they went on tour with. it was just so neat to see one of these… as a kid i always wanted to live in one.. whether it be at amanda thomas's backyard where we had one to play in… or aunt audrey who had one her and her husband traveled around in. i can keep dreaming. i took some good pictures with instagram today and managed to get a few comments and likes from… a lot of "followers". two of the models found me somehow… and started following. once the shoot was done… i hung around to clean up and chat. garrett said some really nice things to me… 'keep on mama'. i love it that these influential males keep calling me "mama"… its nice. i exchanged information… shook hands and got a ride to union station from devin. it was nice chatting with her… i could see us becoming friends. she is from colorado and oh os beautiful… that i would love to get to know her better. it was really nice of her to give me a ride.. i was the dj and played a few songs for her from the hound dogs and critters.. but didn't talk about it. we were too busy chatting that i don't think she even noticed that she had never ever even heard these songs ever before. seeing a tractor trailer burning down on the side of the road was crazy… maybe i'll post that one today. stopping at union station was trippy… the entire building was huge, i spent time asking around to figure out how to get to long beach. i figured it out  and managed to finally get a cup of coffee to relax and relive my head ache from the day. it was so good to be here… taking the train home. makes me feel like an independent woman who is conquering the world… alone. the ride was interesting and it was good to see all the bad parts of town along the way… i sang out loud to myself "aint not sunshine" and then realized that i wanted to sing that song… all songs…everywhere. i just want to be the music. i want to sing these songs with either austin or harry everywhere… in the subway, in the train station… on the stairs… on the bus… in the park… on the beach… i just want to be the music. i daydream awhile and then arrive in downtown. the walk with all my bags back to the apartment was the hardest part of my day.. but i made it. back to my lovely oceanside apartment. what a day. the highlight of my career here so far. 

eighty.sixx.

This day was good. I managed to make it to work on time this morning... And I was excited to have a client, repeat color client on the books. She was overwhelmingly nice and was very excited about her much younger boyfriend. I had a vision for her hair, once again.. No pictures. It turned out beautiful and was a well placed merlot red with platinum overall base. I think she will really love it... And I enjoyed catching up with her. It still amazes me that these clients remember me and my work. I started to sweat as I began to speak too much about boys.. It's really silly that I even talk about them because they don't really exist.. They are just a figment of my imagination.. And I'm not sure how I feel... Actually I do, I need to be quiet about it.. But I do know that feelings are real. They have to be.. Else why do these boy(s) consume me. Seriously.. My day went by quickly and soon four o'clock was there.. I managed to get a quick coffee and talk with the coffee shop guy.. Micheal is it? Stopped in at bella mia to talk with niya's sister and Also see the clothes. My last haircut client was the beautiful Valentina, who reminds me of Manveena... She was a lovely and inspirational woman in my chair. She too has relationship issues right now and is fighting her own battles trying to understand love. I just don't know all the answers, hell.. I'm trying to figure them out myself. She talked about music and jewelry and art shows.. I was thankful to see her today.. Maybe she'll read the blog, I don't know if I even want people to read it yet. I don't think I'm ready for that challenge. Then again, no one really asked me. I know that sex sells and that is where I am at right now. 

I packed my things and straightened up.. Talked to Ali on the ride home. I regret missing out on seeing her yesterday.. But it was good to catch up. I got home and quickly packed and got ready for the video shoot. I am very excited about this, I'm trying to make sure to be overly prepared and also to not sike myself out over this. It's just kinda cool that I get an opportunity to do this, it's really wild that it is all happening. I am so thankful that daniel was able to take me to meet Will in Santa Monica. I had him meet us at a dive bar. It was beautiful to see the full moon... Only a month ago I was spending it with austin. I truly now want to see him and play catch up. I suppose thirty days is enough to know if you miss.. Or at least are interested in someone. The bar is called Trip and is perfectly placed on the corner near the sea. The neon Cheshire Cat in the window is a good sign. It's lovely to know that dive bars exists on both coast.. This one fit perfectly into my repitour and reminded me of home. We only had a quick beer and heard a few songs.. I tagged the guys bathroom wall with "critter mania". The band wasn't that great. From one boy to the next.. I was so happy to see Will. It has been over a month and we had a lot of catching up to do. He is a lovely soul... I know where he comes from, and it's still hard to believe I am here doing this. One day.. One step... Meeting each person with purpose. It's very important to be here, taking advantage of each moment.  

eighty.five.

today was really rather lovely. i woke up early and excited to do something different. to explore places i haven't seen.. my outfit was cute simple and colorful, but also practical for the adventure. seeing shea this morning was nice, she is just a good soul. reminds me of the adult version of rachel poole, they have a similar 'walk' and mannerisms. she was running late so i fell asleep on the bed for about thirty minutes, drifting in and out of conisousness. there wasn't much traffic so we arrived quickly. the dark gloomy storm front hovered over the city as we searched for the perfect fabrics. the fashion district is a dark scrappy place, where things move quick and are hustled around in a hurry for cheap. shea was telling me that this reminded her of living in manhattan. 

she is such a stunning lady, i admire her and what she does. she is a mother and married to a great guy currently doing his residency. she used to planning multi-million dollar weddings in new york for years. this is how we connected. really she was interested in me from the start. she was one of those clients that you just loved having in your chair. she reminded me of tammy, and that is an amazing quality. to be that scattered and productive, she just needs help… an assistant of sorts. 

I'm really good at helping people, whether it be to choose things… or just for some extra hands, opinions… travel partners, etc, i have fun hanging out with older women. they are far ahead of me and inspire me to be, they are mature and i really believe i have more in common with them than girls my age. i just had a really good time with her.  and i became very inspired to start sewing… very very soon. i want to create the best maxi skirts, i can start there… because every girl my age wants a good affordable maxi skirt. they are just something amazing to own when traveling… around the house… for an event. so many different types! 

by the end of our time.. we had run over late an hour and were rushing back. i got a really bad headache (most likely from sensory overload) and i came home to snack. i caught up with mom and drank coffee… then took a nap. a nap that exceeded well into the evening…i missed painting time with ali, which now i feel bad about… and i don't even remember my dreams. i was just so exhausted from all the … creativity. i needed to rest… plus my painting is frustrating me right now. no excuse, i was just so warm and comfortable asleep. i woke up just in time to make it to yoga class. the sun was setting and it was really chilly out, i was glad to walk into the small studio, it was comforting and warm. the teacher was very over zealous and quickly hurried me into my place. i was a little unsettled about this, but that is what i get for being "just" on time.  it was only the three of us, she was able to help us more and pay attention to the details of our practice. i enjoyed her enthrusaim and it did seem that she knew about what she was teaching. i prefer teachers that are older than me… but still look young and vibrant. she complimented us and was very reassureing in her comments. it was nice to have someone compliment me, i work really hard to have such a delicate and controlled practice. just as we were winding down… it started to rain. just enough that you could hear it dancing on the tin roof, while we lay still and rested. it stopped just in time… staying after just a few minutes to chat with her. i wasnt really in a hurry, i noticed that a coffee shop had music tonight. i turned around and locked my bike up.. excited that i came in. quite the crowd was gathered in the other side room… a good space, i like the sound. enjoying a green tea latte and listening to the music was exactly what i needed in my life. i found a chair and got comfortable. each person performed about one or two songs… poems. many of the artist reminded me of people from home. the sister duo sang songs they had just written… one talking about how much she loves to see him smile… he is just a stranger, but she chooses to like him. the guy that struck some chords and had an entourage reminded me of sterling… if he were to write songs and perform them. tall and handsome, but oh so quirky… i know he gets his way a lot of the time. then there was liz. she sang back up and then performed a few poems. i liked where she was at and some of the words she spoke. "true love is when you radiate with them in your thoughts" .

that explains a lot for me. i am so internally happy because i am indeed thought about… i think about a lot of those that i love each day.

this true love is getting me close to my true self.

she commenting on my yoga mat and we began to talk. she also liked my stella and dot scarf… we exchanged information and chatted while. i also met george and he performs there too. i found out where i am supposed to be to find the music. it is just a matter of time now.

i feel like it is ridiculous that i have waited this long.

i biked home in the sprinkles of water, quickly… smiling that i had just discovered this piece of heaven for myself.

i ate dinner and chatted with the boys, its not often that we are all home and in the kitchen. oliver made some soup that he shared with me. i spent some time trying to figure out this stella and dot party… staying up so late and trying not to worry with things that i can't control. i have so much ahead of me for the following days that it will be good for me. it will occupy my mind. it is days like today that are my retreat. reminding me of what is to come my way…. dreams of this day. i am supposed to be here.

eighty.four.

“Style is the answer to everything.
A fresh way to approach a dull or dangerous thing
To do a dull thing with style is preferable to doing a dangerous thing without it
To do a dangerous thing with style is what I call art

Bullfighting can be an art
Boxing can be an art
Loving can be an art
Opening a can of sardines can be an art

Not many have style
Not many can keep style
I have seen dogs with more style than men,
although not many dogs have style.
Cats have it with abundance.

When Hemingway put his brains to the wall with a shotgun,
that was style.
Or sometimes people give you style
Joan of Arc had style
John the Baptist
Jesus
Socrates
Caesar
García Lorca.

I have met men in jail with style.
I have met more men in jail with style than men out of jail.
Style is the difference, a way of doing, a way of being done.
Six herons standing quietly in a pool of water,
or you, naked, walking out of the bathroom without seeing me.”
― Charles Bukowski

on a day like today i was able to sleep in. i was able to not worry with being in a hurry and i could just be. i know that there was so much going on in california, but for now, for me… being along in a quiet room is where i really love to be. i talk with michelle and tupper for awhile this morning, i like hearing their voices… just talking about nonsense and also how to achieve our goals. i needed to just feel that reacquainted reassuring feeling of friendship. i ate a light breakfast and drank coffee and wrote on the porch. the breeze was a bit chilly, but the sun kept me warm and tanned my skin. between laundry loads i laid on the porch, absorbing the sunlight and changing my skin color. i spent some time reading up on stella & dot, trying to become acquainted to the setting and how to get this trunk show on the road. i was thankful to be able to talk to amanda for awhile today. she is a great mentor and role model for me to have in my life. she is just always really happy, colorful and hopeful of all situations. something about this girl.. she said the same thing about me… "you are like a drug". i think i know that feeling. jazz was the soundtrack for my afternoon of studying and spending money.. online. i ordered just a few more things for my show and then went shopping with ali. we had a few errands to run… haven't been to cosmo prof in awhile, but i was let down when they didn't have the nail polish i wanted. then to micheals… to get art supples. I'm really excited about this project… my favorite thing is a blank canvas. it was nice to see the moon this evening… we finished our shopping at whole foods, getting a few groceries for the week. we both got our juice and then back to the car where sydney was crying and waiting for us. her emotional dog gives me anxiety, i just don't understand why he cries all the time. he honestly drives me crazy, and the last thing i need to be worrying with is a dog. but ali loves him, so they will keep him around a bit longer. 

it is funny how i forget a lot of the details of the day,… it is just that currently they don't seem so important, but I'm positive that i will want them later.

making a lovely salad and soup for dinner, i sat down and watched the documentary enlighten up… where nick was searching for some kind of spiritual awaking from a six month immersion process. i know that i want this process, i know that i need to have that … sense of breaking down and trying to ask why and understand. i enjoyed learning and listening to the different gurus speak on what yoga is… 

it is all so intriguing to me… but i know that intelligent challenging people do exist, they are just quiet. 

i texted austin earlier in the day wishing his time well and suggesting that we see each other soon. about twelve hours later i heard from him… this boy. 

i spent some more time working on stella & dot and then i just can't do this day anymore. I'm ready for sleep. 

eighty.three.

it is always a little easier to wake up when you know that you have the next two days off. i wasn't too creative with dressing, but i love that the clothes i wear now have been in my wardrobe for several years. i need to slow down a bit, take my time and enjoy the ride. i am in no such hurry really, basically i just need to be on time. which i managed to be very much on time this morning, and since it was only london and i… the morning was very pleasant. i spent some time meditating on the deck, it is so lovely on the roof… feeling the breeze and listening to the birds sing. it was exactly where i wanted to be, for the moment. the day was slow and quiet, i did have one walk-in client, joe, he is a reporter for the LA Times and was talking about how he was working on a book. i like something about him, he reminded me of ed hufford. he had such kind blue eyes. this was my only appointment for the day… we passed the time by ordering really good southern style food from the attic, which was good… but very saturated with fat. i felt kinda gross but just pushed on. london taught me how to braid in weave and then he showed me his "eco feathers" which he designed during the feather fad… i was excited about these because i needed some sort of interest added to my hair. the red and black striped one reminds me of the shirt that harry wore… for all of summer 2011. and i added in three black and white striped pieces… very "cat in the hat". as we all know… i am obsessed with just a few certain things. sitting on the porch in the afternoon… london and i spent some time going through magazines and discussing fashion. this is our life… talking about clothes and shoes… lace & leather. i finally said it out loud.. "i miss austin". "well, why don't you summon him", said london. he has a point. i haven't really put much effort into it, i just wanted to leave him be. i know that both of our lives are wild and crazy, or at least really busy with being so damn creative that how on earth shall we find time. but i should listen to london… just alittle longer. patience, but mine has run dry. 

i play harry's songs in the salon, since it is really quiet and i have a bit of control of the situation, which i like. his voice gets me every time. every single time.. the newest song by the critters explains a lot… "i don't wanna be here blues" i have those a often, i wonder if london knew that was him, I'm assuming he knows all. i danced around and enjoyed myself just like i was at a show. but that is how i am, he gets me.

earlier in the morning london made a comment that made me do a bit of research, he said that he was curious about who was the alpha female in the building, and depending on who is was… would determine why all the girls are losing it "this week"… i looked up some information and i believe i may be one of them. i suppose there can me more than one, especially in the salon industry because we are not always present and it does require a certain type of model or leadership each day is different. but i qualify. all the details described me… all the exposure of testosterone makes the females ring finger just a bit longer than the index… which in turn changes our brains and makes us think more like a man. somedays, i feel like i am a man trapped in a woman's body… not that i lust after girls… i just understand both sides and relate really well to males.

there is a lot to be said about an alpha female, she has so much responsibility that i don't even know if I'm up for that challenge… but i suppose no one asked. it is just how it is going to be. that explains why i am rarely ever attracted to men, unless they are far far beyond myself and therefore inspire and push me harder. i guess… just like a wolf, i am interested in chasing him around a bit. 

i was able to get out of work at a decent hour, right before the sun set. but not soon enough.. i spent some time altering these fake bang hair pieces. i had yet to cut them and place them in my hair in such a way that it worked… but london helped me figure it out. i piled my hair up on top of my head and looked very… retro. we laughed and i biked home in them, hurriedly got ready for yoga class… and biked back to cherry and fourth. i was very excited about class this evening because i knew we would be singing.  i have been exploring the kungdahlini practice since i arrived, it is a very interesting concept of breathing exercises and streches that free your mind and open in up in a way that it slows it down. i haven't done much research on the subject, but i do enjoy the concept. it is strange how all the breathing makes your hands and feet tingle with numbness for just a few seconds.. then you are able to just relax and be still, take in the moment. i had a few really good thoughts while i was there, they made a small smile cross my face. i shouldn't care what anyone thinks about me, that is just one of my worldy defaults… like harry said in his song "i have been here since time"… and with time i will discover all that i am meant to accomplish. it is fun to use my imagination to try and guess what i am supposed to do… when really i should just relax and let what is going to happen, do so gracefully in my life. this experience was really good for me. it was strange because i painted the exact scenario that took place tonight. i had painted a very serene scence with a woman with bangs and her hair tied up on top of her head… her expression was neither happy or sad, but contempt… the the ocean behind her and a subliminal message of love and evil together. it really comes down to balance. 

i biked home and was excited to eat soup and salad. the night got late quick and everyone was asleep… so i decided to watch a documentary about what it means to be "happy". it explored humans all over the globe to see how they lived… what their lifestyle was like and how that affected their happiness. i believe the conclusion was not that there are certain things… it is more a state of mind and also about being around other happy humans that then in turn help you with your achievements.. in order to achieve your goals.. you must be happy. 

eighty.two.

i need to shift my perspective just a bit. waking up with an intention of trying to be … on time. this day is cloudy on my ride, but i need to focus not on myself…. i wasn't placed here for myself.

i was as close to on time as i could be … spending some time straightening up. i was excited to get a color client, but this immediately stirred up trouble with the other girls. one in particular was upset that she felt skipped, like it was supposed to be her client. i don't know what came over her, but she refused to let it go…and soon enough she was throwing a tantrum and storming out, as if she was a child. this display was unnecssary, she quit and then was gone. she said a lot of mean things to summer… like sb said "we were rooting for her…" but after that? 

my client was a lovely young girl from new york, i didn't realize she was so young… she had recently been stationed here in the coast guard, her friend meaghan made the appointment. they were both beautiful girls and i was glad that susie was able to share these beautiful women with me… they both went much darker in color, i played it too safe as usual… especially since caroline had never colored her hair before. her cut turned out really nice…. trish came in really sick from the night before… things got screwed up at the register.. now there is a password, so nothing can be done to change anything. this whole work nonsense is making me mad. 

i was glad to get another appointment because shannon "quit". it was a lovely girl that just moved here from florida. she was frail tan thing with really long beautiful hair. she just needed a trim… and she really did need it. we talked about yoga for awhile, i was really impressed with her knowledge about it… we also discussed a lot of other things, like music and what to do. since we are so new to town, we have so much more to figure  out. i think we hit it off very well…. 

I'm just ready to leave now and I'm tired of hearing about the drama. london left early… all of this place is driving me wild. he made the comment earlier in the day that i was one of the reasons he still came to work… the fact that i am indeed a fashion ninja is true….but i wouldn't go as far as… a reason. I'm not that important.

i was excited to style faith's hair first thing in the morning, she is one of the estaticians… a beautiful lady in her forties, but u wouldn't know it by her hair and skin. it's women like her that i admire, she agreed to throw my first stella and dot trunk show with me… i am very excited, also nervous… but you just have to push through that. it is what i am assigned to do.

i came home… and ate, and have to wind down. spent some time researching how to get stella and dot invitations, i have to do that within the next few days… also i watched a sermon. it was a good one. i need to be more of a servant in this life. i have always been a servant… "what can i do to serve you" must be my reply to the earthly creatures, it is the only way to use my power. i know this. i knew this…. this is why i am suffering here, all the way on the other side of the world. away from all that i know and love. i guess it helped that michelle texted me that she felt the same way as i do, but she is at "home". i guess the feeling is constant and there isn't much we can do to change it. i think that means our purpose is bigger than happiness… i hope that i get to help others…  let them hear the "angels"music. 

eighty.one.

i had to force myself to get up early, we had  a staff meeting at nine. it was difficult, and i had pushed it to the last minute as usual. 

i needed the day to be somewhat exciting for myself, so i wore really shiny leggings, it made me feel like a robot… tin man, whatever. the outfit was good. i was late, but at least my ride to wok was a bit, sunny. it was quick, of course i was still ten minutes late… but five minutes early. the meeting started promptly to prove a point, of course most of the staff was late and they missed what was actually happening. but that was the point. the entire thing was rather comical, hopefully a few things will be … brought to light. we had to evaluate each other and write what we thought each person "brought to the table" at the salon, i was able to quickly list off a few things per person. i don't know… this was a good idea, to start getting to the root of the problem, i just think that the problem has spread too thick. we are all the problem… i am my own problem as well. afterwards i found out that no one really had much to say about me… london said it was rather odd that no one really had anything good or bad to say about me… like i was invisible. i actually enjoyed this scenario… I'm hear but i don't get too involved in anyone… or anything. i do my job but i am not… i don't need to be noticed. what i do just happens. i was thankful to have a repeat color client, she has been in my chair the most so far… three times. she is so beautiful and i get to practice my skills … on ombre with her. we have been slowly building her color, i loved it so much yesterday that i didn't take a photo… it just wouldn't capture what i wanted… but i regret just letting her walk out the door… but that is what i do. i just "do" hair and then let the art work walk around. i am terrible at advertising myself… i would rather keep things more quiet and and see who finds out, not the best plan but worth something. I'm just not that excited about myself right now.

the day drags on otherwise… i go to visit niya at her store and get us some lunch. she looks pretty today and we discuss the possibility of her getting a bit of an upgrade to the shop. back to the salon … i found out that my blog will be shown on another carnival, this time faith and philosophy is the topic..i hit one thousand views today, how appropriate… on 4/20. that is worth remembering. this is a becoming a serious matter now… my writing is starting to become discovered, that means i still have to write. i have so much that i need to be doing… in order to get the good material. i turned down a color client… i was tired and over it, so i got a mens haircut instead. he was another repeat… a head of hair that reminds me of alex. i haven't heard from him in awhile, i know why… stupid money.

the haircut went well, it was exhausting… then he wanted to hang out later. this keeps happening… boys sit in my chair and then want to hang out. i am so very flattered about this, but other than… the fact that I'm hardly attracted or nice enough to want to hang out after a fucking eleven hour day dealing with peoples vanity… i suppose this is a problem. 

a haircut walked in the door right at seven… african american style, i panicked and did not want the cut… so london did it. i watched the front and caught up on some readings. finally i was able to leave by eight.. went over to ali's to… meet her new friends. the first time i meet someone is always weird, she was a pretty girl… maybe they were just on another level that i wasn't but i couldn't relate. i didn't try that hard, i normally do not anymore. her friend kyle was cool… but i wasn't interested in him either. he had just come back from colorado… i don't know, something told me to not trust him… they both got too high and went off… ali and i sat on the porch and listened to her neighbors play music. it was good dark southern soul… something we would of benefited from walking down to listen, but then we would have to be social, see the pattern here? either way… we didn't and missed out on meeting people. it got cold and late, i biked home… drunk people were everywhere. i was over it … creeped out by being alone in my apartment, so i worked some on the internet. i was excited to get my photoshoot pictures back from santa monica.. will called with an offer to work on a music video set on friday. we'll see if i can get off work. ian and daniel got home later from a wedding and it was good to have their happy energy around. they could tell i was a little out of it… so i went to sleep early. not much writing, sleeping in jewelry.. a sweater, all the lights on again. happy saturday night. 

eighty.

you can't keep doing things the same and expect the results to be different.

i have to stop and give myself credit sometimes. i did just accomplish a lot, and now I'm stuck in a place of where i was going… and where i am going. its a hard spot because now i have to focus on something new, something different. i actually have to live, think and love… differently . it can not be the same anymore.

i don't know now. i have not a clue of this … where this is going, so I'm going to have to imagine a few things… 

i just want to be more. i want to love. i want to live more. i want to be more.

this morning was nice, i was able to get up and almost be on time. i just have a hard time and push everything down to the last minute. i need to allow more time for myself to get up and just … have time to get ready. changing things, just the small things… are the hardest. 

i can't force anything right now. the best that i can do is relax and try and not become lazy. i feel very blah right now. i feel very shy and also lackluster. but that is to be expected as well. 

i can't just give in yet. its all too close to being real life. i can't be the weak link… you just can't stop.

not with the music, it's just so damn good. why can't i make this happen? i can. one day.. one step at a time. 

it was a day of planned appointments that no one showed up for. it was to teach me that i have to be patient. again and again… then i scheduled a client from a text, a guy that is growing on me… that made me feel like i'd been here awhile. a good client, I'm starting to collect them.

you just have to give it a chance. the rest of my clients were weird, and kinda… just off a bit. i don't know why it worked out the way it did, but that's what happened. i stayed there for nine hours, that was enough. i just didn't know what to do… but the last few haircuts were necessary. i biked home quick and sarah met me there for dinner, she picked up steam, it was good. then we sat outside on the deck and had tea for a few hours. the temperature is rather perfect and i just wanted to talk. so did she… we talk well. figuring things out and talking each other "off the cliff". we are bizarre creatures. i can see why our "webs" crossed… but I'm not sure what is about to happen. its rather eerie, dare i say it.. I'm not sure what I'm about to give away. i think that i have put myself out there too much. what good does it do me? none. it hurts me. when people get under my skin it hurts so bad that i just want to attack them. i am so pissed and frustrated that another human could literally possess my thoughts… actions… everything about me. 

that is why i am so violent. i am tough because i want to prove that i am broken and will not be taken advantage of.

i know that i am supposed to be in this moment here. in such a foreign place that the simplicity of nothing seems ample enough for now. 

london said… "you are dyslexic, that is how i know you are an artist." i never say and write the same thing… 

seventy.nine.

i woke up in a panic because i could feel blood running down my back, of course i had made a mess everywhere and had to quickly get up and scrub everything with soap and hot water. it was around seven thirty by the time i was done cleaning up… and i laid back down to sleep that last hour. i felt tired and gross, it was hard to wake up, as it is every morning now.

at least today I'm having a good hair day, that makes it all a little bit more exciting. the day is so windy, my ride to work was so much work… on top of already feeling exhausted. i got there right at ten, i can't seem to get this quarter til things solved yet. i wore a beautiful dress to work, a silk/polyester blend that feels more like a house dress. i would've worn this dress to kait's wedding, which happened today. a lot of our friends were in town to visit, I'm sure they had an amazing time together. i was really bummed about not getting that flight home for the week. it would've been nice to just see everyone and relax with friends to celebrate two lovely people finally taking time out to get married. i voiced my frustration to london, he said i didn't' have time to be going back and forth. i received a lot of compliments on my dress throughout the day… i didn't do much hair. just wandered around, drank tea… talked to ryan on the phone, texted a few people and looked at pictures. my blog had a few readers for the day, that made me happy… my newest post is about tenneessee and how that is what our world shall return to.. i was stuck on basement fox's instagram, showed london… he made me realize how creepy the whole thing is. still doesn't change that it is how my imagination sees things. i had one client, a shampoo blow-dry. she was nice older woman who had a dinner date later that night. the rest of the afternoon consisted of all of us sitting around and talking about stupid nonsense. i really felt that i had wasted my day, i should've planned things better and not even been here. i should be back at home. this attitude carried on through my bike ride. this wind was blowing against me so much that i felt like i needed to just give up and walk my bike home. this is how i felt about everything. just packing my bags and going home. saying that i gave it everything i had, i gave it an honest chance… maybe california just isn't for me. my dinner was bland, i just ate a mixture of snacks and things that i had… I'm worried about my weight and how "soft" i am becoming. i'm wishing for everything i once had… when in reality, none of it exsist anymore. my room mates are comforting, but i can sense the hostility in their voice… they are also feeling restless, as we must all be feeling this time of year. 

the rest of the evening was better. i listened to the piano guys on youtube, turned the volume up and watched their most beautiful performances… over and over. i spent some time sketching a few ideas, none of them really turning out like i planned. i tried to be patient but to move on once i wasnt satisfied. the last sketch was good, a girls face that i was mimicking from another drawing… she was the most real and taught me how to do eyes, focusing on the light and the dark. ian cooked dinner for him, daniel and their friend danny… we all got high on the porch. danny almost threw up from coughing, haven't seen that in a while… i spend the rest of the night working on detail… the boys feel asleep watching hot rod. i wasn't pleased with anything… my stomach acid is all messed up and i just felt like sleeping. wrote a blog post, then fell asleep.

seventy.eight.

things have to speed up soon. i need a reality shift, something to make things more… a reason to wake up. i need a push of innovation and creation… of more excitement than i can see now.

i slept in until an unreasonable hour this afternoon, i just don't see a reason to pull myself out of my comfortable dark room. but I'm just being still and non productive, i can't even remember my dreams. i don't feel up to doing yoga, its very windy out and i feel… sick. its mainly in my mind that i would feel sooo…. antisocial. i am so bored. i have to write again, since i keep putting it off, until later. boring. i eat quickly and try and stay out of rosiaros way while she cleans. i decided to go to ali's' and hang out with syd while i sat on the porch in the sun… to soak up some light. there is no need to be a vampire all the time. i feel that i need more movement in my hips. i am beginning to feel the settling here. i move slower and everything is sore and stiff, not a pleasant feeling. i guess this is getting old. i have a few sights in my head for drawing. i feel antsy and frustrated. mainly frustrated and angry that what i saw in my head, i couldn't transfer on paper. instead i got a tangled mess. of big lights and a spider on the table. i liked my detail, but it didn't take me long and the soundtrack was perfect. funky jazz music, the wind was crazy out, blowing sand everywhere. i sat out here for hours and drew… worked on the lines… made tea, until ali got home. 

we hung out on the porch awhile, then we walked to cafe ambrosia and had snacks or shall i say… dinner, with syd on the patio. i do enjoy this place, like we are tucked away in our own secret garden. the bloody mary's and cake… lots of good food. too much money for what its worth, but you just have to every once in awhile. this was our treat, so we could sit together and talk about having kids one day and how society puts together this life time line, that we feel like we have to follow… while really we have it all wrong. i know we do… else i wouldn't feel this way.

then we hang out and get high… drinking and painting. i painted a rose… I'm not sure where it came from.. maybe because i sketched ali's wedding bouquet earlier, but i wrote a poem that fit perfectly along the side. my walk back to my place was confusing, i still can't believe that this is my life sometimes. its all very surreal. i come home… to wash my face and eat too much. i just need some art form… a photographer to come into my life… and take the most bizarre pictures, using me as a muse… as an art form. this is what i ask for. 

lord. please keep me going strong… interested in the present tense.

seventy.seven.

the morning slips by me, i sleep right through it… but i can't decide what realm to play in, so i continue sleeping. all the way until noon. i spend time writing… but i learn that the next morning is too long away from the past day… i forget too many details waiting that long, but sometimes its nice to see it from a different perspective. the writing took hours and i am a bit bored and feel undisciplined. i spend some time straightening up, doing laundry…which i find to be very relaxing right now. ali and i make plans to go to the market when she gets off work, then ian wants to go to the grocery store. i make myself some breakfast, coffee and sit on the porch. the wind is crazy today… blowing sand everywhere. i get ready and its already time to go… the market is wild because the wind is so rough… tents and tables blowing around. i pick up my dress from edwin that he altered, what a character, i really like him. then we get our fruits and veggies and of course cake balls! off to vons for grocery shopping. i enjoyed going as a group, always enjoy going with ali. i get a mocha coffee for the shopping experience. she comments on how patient they are with us, honestly they are always patient with me… they must like me a lot. i am very thankful for my room mates. i go home to unpack and get ready for yoga class. i am slightly anxious about the class, its a late night hot class and i just started my "girl" week… its gonna be a tough one. ali feels like she ate too much for this class, but we follow through with our plan anyway. it is so hot in the room and the class is packed, but i am ready for the challenge. the teacher, siri, has an amazing calming voice, one that makes it feel ok… to push yourself even through the heat… she also instills patience and solitude, to pay attention to yourself as you practice. i don't normally sweat this much, but it felt good to get all the toxins out… the thick beads of sweat dripping from my body. i feel exhausted and almost euphoric after the class… i think i am beginning to be happy living here, for just one small second of the day… four hundred and twenty five days left… and i feel like that might not be enough time to get things done. i have so much i need to do… but I'm dragging my feet and stopping myself from excelling forward. i am my own enemy.

i came home and snacked, actually i snacked all night… i couldn't help it, i felt hungry, even though i know that it was just because I'm… 

i got caught up on instagram and found this guy…@basementfox. his photos are unreal, amazing and capture my imagination exactly. that is how i imagine my life… fox fur and victorian furniture in the desert… i had to look at each photo, to see more and more of him, you can see how he has evolved over time. one hundred and fourteen weeks ago he started… i feel good because i was only nine weeks behind him. instagram changed my life. i had to comment and let him know how much his portfolio inspired me… now i follow him, and i hope one day, maybe he will photograph me. 

seventy.six.

it was a struggle to wake up this morning. it was cold and cloudy out… this monday is my friday and i am absolutely exhausted.  i managed to make my day more exciting by creating clothes to match. I'm in love with my "sneaker shoes" and crazy pattern black and white leggings, big baggy green free people sweater… oh and my black sunglass tank. both pieces from shows.. if only i could go to them more… but i enjoyed the reminder. running late because i got distracted and i had to run back inside to grab a plastic bag for my bicycle. the seat was wet from the rain… cloudy day outside, but it was a reminder as well. the ride was quick, i knew i  was late. i like mondays, i like the people that aren't there, its very quiet. trish and london, everyone else called out. I'm excited that i have a client at ten thirty… i hurry and eat, make tea and straighten up. she changes to eleven thirty, even better… now i can chat. sitting downstairs with london and trish… i have a bit of word vomit. "this place i holding us back"… he couldn't believe i just said that … i  couldn't help it, its not true really. this place is what so quickly created me… but the attitude of the current state of the salon is exhausting, i suppose its what i miss. i don't want to leave it, i want to see how it all pans out. 

meggie is her name, she is a beautiful girl with curly hair. i know this type of hair, and throughout the appointment, i really enjoyed her company. she is a yogi… and an art therapist. these are the people that will help this world become a better place, i want to help them as much as possible. 

the day continued on and i have another walk in… after summer got there. she is dressed adorable, i like her happy energy… the client wants the side of her head shaved, like Rihanna. she is s stunning girl, going to school for fashion design. how cool… i do my best with the cut, but i don't think my clippers are high enough quality and that is why my cuts are just bit off. i adore shannons cutting style with mens cuts. but the girl is happy.. i do laundry and read on the internet about blog carnivals… submit a few entries. maybe too many.. but i wasn't sure how easy it would be to get one up there. I'm scheduled another client, but she never shows up. its ok, I'm so tired anyway. london and i decide to have dinner together, glen is out of town. our walk home was nice, walking makes you notice and enjoy nature even more than biking. we took our time and stopped and smelled the roses… all the flowers. the road of obispo is like a secret garden, starts to make me think about mimi. the trumpet tree was one of my favorites as well. grocery shopping was nice, i realize that i need to slow down a bit and just take my time. everything is better that way. i just can't stay still very long unless i am creating. if I'm not creating… then I'm bored and antsy and can only use my brain to entertain me. so i sat in the kitchen and watched london cook. we listened to jazz and he showed me how to make an amazing meal. it was so delisous… cooking is really an art. we had a show of the meditarraen. cucumber, red onion, tomato salad with olive oil and balsamic vinegarette… parsley salad and chicken. the dipping sauce… olive oil and lemon was good… oh! and he made his own hummus… then we spent time talking after dinner with coffee and cookies. it was perfect really, and better than any date i could ever go on ever… i see now why i don't get to date.. because its horrible and awkward and just not my thing…of course every man wants to take me home, I'm slightly ridiculous. that is why he carefully places them in front of me… those moments you could never plan are the ones that… mean everything. 

we laughed about my childhood and grandmother. it was fun to tell him some of the stories… about how out of control i was as a kid, making up things to tell my sisters to get them in trouble, and how important mimi and papa were in my upbringing. i think that is the one major differences with my sisters and i. then we moved on to look at a desk that london offered to let me long-term borrow… an adorable sewing machine table from the 1960s. it is absolutely wonderful.. and charming. this will make a great sewing station and writing desk… all that i need for my space to become more complete. he offers me an antique single bed frame that is amazing… i just can't believe that i would sleep well in a bed like that… especially not with someone else. i think i'll keep my air matteras, i really like it actually. its easy to move around… i enjoy time in his laboratory.. but it needs to me redone before i can work in there. i understand controlled chaos… i just need more space. taking this desk away will help. then we spent time siting on the couch looking at ali's wedding photos… they are so beautiful, and odd. she captured an era that is long gone, long past… and i see now that the beauty is over… but she has it forever in her wedding photos. i was thankful to be a part of it and londons beautiful head pieces made the shoot so authentic. it was nice to take the time to just sit and look, loraine sat in-between us… it was cute, reminded me of ashton and marley… it was just a day of the past huh. 

i biked home quickly, i could feel the achey bones… it was hard to pedal fast… but since it was so late and quiet and dark… i tried to get home as fast as i could. the day wore me out… it was a good one. i fell asleep listening to jazz and reading a blog about what it takes to become a doctor. 

the one remark i forgot to comment on… london brought up the fact that he was jealous in how quickly i have excelled here… i already had my work in a short fim, i've done photoshoots in la and wedding shoots…  but it just confirmed that i was going to succeed. he wanted to know if i wanted to "share the burden". i suppose so…i definitely can't do any of it alone. 

seventy.five.

i woke up with a call from ali, she was at the front gate and needed the code. it was really early and i couldn't get up much earlier than seven. my body felt heavy and tired, i immediately was thinking about going back to sleep right after i woke up. 

she was still upset and in shock from the girl who originally said she would take the photos… cancelled. it was really brave and rude of her to cancel something like this, the night before! luckily her neighbor is also a photographer, an actual professional, experienced one, and lusia loves ali and ian and syd more than anything.. so she volunteered to help her out. i was excited for her undo, it was something that i had been thinking about, a little nervous… but i know ali best of all and i knew the look we were going for. i made us coffeee and then got to curling. it took awhile and two different curling irons… but i made it work. it turned out beautiful… should've  taken a few more photos…. she went home to do her make.up and i tried to play catchup with my writing from the night before, but i couldn't focus enough and ended up having to stop and get ready. i walked to ali's and we scrambled around with finishing touches. it was so cute, it really felt like their wedding day. i started taking pictures immediately… somehitng about the permanence of photos… its a once in a lifetime thing that she would get dressed up this beautiful. ian said later in the day that he teared up a few times.

we all headed over to the queen mary, ali somehow got dirt on her white dress immediately.  we got our tickets and boarded the ship. it was built in the late twenties for english royalty.. beautiful boat… so old, with character beyond belief. we spent a lot of time wandering around and shooting at different spots. it was an overcast sunday morning which was perfect because hardly anyone what there. i was really happy to be a part of this production. honestly… photoshoots are my favorite type of work. the photos are going to turn out to be amazing, better than she could ever imagine… ian seemed like he had a good time too. she was absolutely stunning. "they just don't make them like they used to…" is ian's motto for the shoot. it was cool all the detail that went into planning this and how it all came together perfectly to capture ali in her most favorite atomsophoere. old world vicotrian gothic beauty. we used london's head pieces… i wish i would of taken a few of them off and only had her natural hair… but they added to the theme really well and suited the shoot. after a few hours we headed back inside to one of the side dining halls… as soon as i walked in, i knew that i had been to that exact location before. something was so familiar about it, the color of the walls… the wood floor. i remember sitting at a table with someone, i don't know, its just really strange when i do these things…. its like the memory is embedded in me… but i know it wasn't from this life.

we wrapped up the shoot… i took so many amazing photos just on my iPhone that i can only imagine what the real ones will look like. it will take some time for editing and choosing, but after a while we will have an amazing line up of wedding photos for those two.  it was a rather brilliant idea… i was thankful that i was invited to the event, i mean me and ali had talked about doing this for years.

we got home, all of us starving and ordered to go chinese which took forever and made me an hour late for work. i wasn't really concerned, i didn't want to be there anyway. the food wasn't that good, not worth waiting for … then i biked to work. i was so tired and over it that i felt like the ride took forever. i made it and the salon was quiet as usual. i did manage to get two walkins… a mens haircut and a shampoo blow dry. the guy, matt…  has a girlfriend who is a stylist. she jsut started her company and needs a make up artist for a photoshoot on friday in downtown long beach. the evening went by quick and i texted a few people back home. i was glad to leave at seven, the ride home was slightly easier. tupper called me and we spent an hour on the phone catching up. it was so nice to hear his comforting voice, letting me know that I'm not missing anything over there. actually its making him kinda crazy with all that he isn't doing.. we talk really well and i was excited to share my enthursiam about what i want to do with music. i just feel so excited and compelled to make something happen for everyone, i just want my friends out here… i just want people to hear the music and have a good time. i think that i can find a way for everyone to make it… we just have to get on the same page. it takes time. and it takes building these relationships that are trustworthy. i enjoy talking to him a lot, reminds of joe… the ease i feel at laughing… 

then i make a quick dinner with what food i do have left… back to my room to try and a get some things done. i listen to a stella and dot coaching cd, i really need to host a party… and i read some of the book. I'm just not as excited about selling something, but it is a cool product and i need to focus on doing this because i need income. like all the projects I'm trying to do here… its going to take time. TIME TIME TIME.to build this business and make it worth something. i just have so much going on. I'm really tired and manage to write a few things in my journal, which i don't do as much now… with all the other writing projects, but i can really relax and let go in there… just letting the words flow. i fall asleep kinda early… with the laptop on my lap. i didn't even write… this next morning writing is becoming a habit. but mornings are nice and peaceful.

seventy.four.

waking up with the girls at four am so they could catch their flight…i try and sleep through the movement, they shower and get ready to fly… unlike me, who just get up and go…  i am sleeping and hug them goodbye, i really did have a good time while they were here. neither of them knew how to hug me, I'm noticing not a lot of people do know how to hug. I'm going to miss them, and hope for their safe travels. i knew that lindsey was stressed out and tired and was ready to leave the day before, i was trying to be happy and stoked and show them around. 

i had fallen asleep early and didn't write, so five am was a good time for peace and quiet. I'm beginning to understand what "breaking rules" is all about. 

i should start getting up really early and taking advantage of all of my time. i couldn't go back to sleep and was leaving it up to ali and answer her text message about yoga. simon was teaching the first class of the day, i was very excited about it. the cold dreary day brings me back to the winter season… the class made me nervous, i felt hungry and decided to live in down dog for the beginning, trying to see what was going on inside of me. his voice is mezmirising, i haven't been so intrigued in pushing myself since anne. the hard part is that he is a male and doesn't know the … female to the whole degree, but i can tell that he believes in tolerance, and could understand. the things he said, the passion behind his voice is what draws in closer to myself, trying to focus on streching and holding all of my muscles in the right place. i also like that he corrects me, the first class i took with him, he was all about it… i didn't even realize that i was… just a bit off.

he said some important things… about how to look forward, not down. be aware that the present exist, but always look forward. and also about breathing to let go. not wasting energy… ever. this class covered me sweat, and left me having to give in… give up, which actually hurt me more, gave me more strain. so from now on.. i'll practice as if its my first time, leaving all the bad habits behind. i NEED to push myself. i NEED to be a stronger force. i hold myself back a lot, just because at times…id rather just be left alone. but when you are in control, things can actually start changing. in due time.

we got coffee and i had a spinach and kale pocket and then i had to hurry home. getting ready for work was quick, the bike ride was exhausting. i was ready for it, but it took me awhile. of course i managed to get distracted and was running late. the energy was weird this morning… I'm not sure about it yet. being gone for just one day was changes a lot. that night i had a dream about shannon catching her boyfriend in bed and with another girl (i suppose that is was because i saw her post on fb about it, sometime about the time i was falling asleep) but i imagined the event exactly how it happened. so weird. the girls sat around and talked about it because the business was so slow.. i had a few clients, thank goodness. one, janie who is becoming to be a regular, she reminds me of someone… her hair cut went well, she said god has his plan for everyone. she was glad that things were going better.. strange how people think about me? 

i have to stop and get ready… for ali's photoshoot, writing the next morning is not how its supposed to happen. I'm going to be late. 

the day was quickly slow, i had a client that was one of my first repeat clients, she reminds me of someone… (crazy how i can't even remember the events of the day, since i didn't write last night) this client said some important things, we talked about her vacation in hawaii and some places i should go for art? around town. she also said "god has a plan for everything". it takes time. i like how at east she is… 

then ian and ali came in to see me, ian needed a haircut for the photo shoot tomorrow. it was fun, kinda busy tucked back in the corner. they are cute, london was giving glen a haircut on the other side of the wall.  it was nice that another client requested, i like her hair, an giving her haircuts. it made the day pass by quicker and london was ready to leave around five thirty… i biked with a quickness to meet ian and daniel for sushi. the place was strange, downtown across the street from roscoe's. i always have to double take when i see their friend danny… is it. he is there with his boyfriend from london… he is a flight attendant. i like him, he was good guy… the sushi was good, as usual order too much food, I'm always a clueless mess. the seaweed salad was good, weirdest music videos I've ever heard… lots of choreographed japanese/chinese girls in actually adorable fashion, some of it was over the top. the show was being projected onto a giant screen in the dining area of the sushi take out restaurant. all the servers yelled and were characters… rather weird.

across the way was omar's house, i remembered meeting him when i first go here

this day obvisouly isn't of that much intrestst to me. i wonder why. it was kinda a drag, i remember all asleep in the office, i wasn't that excited about what i wearing… not that many clients, i was in a negative bad mood, but not really. just feeling scattered and trying to figure out what I'm reaching for. why why do i feel so restless. 

i did get a lesson on taxes and the IRS from omar, so note to self, pay attention to taxes and pay them. keep them correct, we are in debt and we will scrounge for our money. i see this now, i've seen the poor side of life… my entire life. what would it actually be like to have money? i don't know, i don't think that is what i want for now. i also can't keep being held down by those around me. i have to get out of this limbo out… but you are the company you keep, and the thing about work is… you can't choose who you work with. I'm just going to have to change it up more, be there less. try my best to be there… when i am there. i am still deciding if i want more responsibility. i wouldn't mind it really… i don't have that much of a life, mainly just doing things that keep me sane.

seventy.three.

we needed to catch the bus by eleven, so the girls got up and got ready first, i laid in bed and rested some. the sun was out but it was slightly chiller than the previous days. the bus was on time, and since it was our first time, it was all new to us. the driver was patient and rather comical, "there is a first time for everything" he laughed. i was surprised at how easy it was to get to second st, the other day we spent so much time walking there. then we toured the campus, but it turns out that we went to far and we had to get off and go the other direction. this is where is started to get confusing, i was fighting my urge to be evil, but i was just annoyed for some reason. a beautiful college guy (I'm assuming) helped us with the directions… "i've been here before too". he had the those crystal blue eyes… that you remember. i wish i would've just asked him his name, but now he is lost forever in the sea of california. i would know him later on in life if i ran into him again. we backtracked and then had to wait awhile for the orange county bus, which was also annoying to me. i don't have much patience with gross people, of course lindsey had to remind me that "they" are all gods children. i started to think about this statement and realized… yes, yes they are but if that were the case and they loved god, they would take care of their bodies. i do not tolerate those who can not take care of themselves. it is actually a major sin to be that willingly unhealthy, i understand that life gets in the way… but how do you suppose you will carry on with life if you are that miserable and your body can't help support you along that way. 

the orange county bus ride was nice, i had no idea that it was this simple to get places, but now i know that i can basically bus anywhere, which indeed opens a lot of doors. we could see the ocean that runs along the coast and i remembered then visiting this exact area with michelle on chiristmas eve, that is when things were too shaky for us. i started to feel regret and remorse, but i tried to fight it and focus on the present. 

huntington is an overwhelming thing at first, there are so many beach people, beautiful bodies pretty much naked walking around, the most beautiful boys on skate boards… we had to quickly find a restroom for april, which has been a pattern the entire trip. i guess she reminds me of leanne in that way. we (lindsey and i) are accustomed to traveling with girls… we found a neat little deli tucked away in the corner. it was owned by a husband and wife who were at first overly friendly, but our lunch was very good. then we walked along and decided what shops to look it. it was on lindsey's agenda to find a batting suit, and from experience, especially when my boobs where big… it is the most exhausting process. even in california… where boobs are out of proportion, bless her heart it took us awhile to find something that worked for her. it is such an exhausting task, but she managed to find a somewhat nice black top. we visited a few more places then walked out to the pier. it was rather cold and windy, i couldn't understand how these girls were walking around like it was summer… i guess they are more accustomed to the weather. i was excited that lindsey was able to take a good pic of me… from my iPhone which is really a drag looking back on how i have documented my life, they are all such low quality photos, but it comes down to convenience… that i just how it happened. now i just need to get them all developed somehow. april doesn't buy much, she is so picky, so we spent some time shopping with her… unlike me who managed to fall for something in each store. i only purchased two shirts today, both unnessecary but i liked them both… a rvca wolf shirt and a back to the future tee from forever 21. then we waited for the bus home, we sat beside the girl that was helping us with the bathing suits… she was nice thing. come to find out she is from the east coast and even lived in asheville for a short period of time. we both caught up with each other… exchanging bands and talking. the bus was late and took awhile, which left plenty of time for chatting. the ride on the oc bus was nice, but after that it got confusing. we spend a lot of time just riding around, one guy came back to us…"where are you girls going?" he laughed at us…ummm. we finally made it to ocean blvd after touring the entire city. we were all tired and hungry at this point… had i not been so eager to get off the bus i would've at least asked him his name. he had an amazing smile and such nice eyes… the bus number 2003… thats all i know. we quickly changed and ali met us so we could walk downtown for dinner. we went to georges greek cafe and were immediately greeted with a hug from an older man (who i assume is the owner) or the token old man as ali called him. i was glad she came to hang out with us. april made the comment that so far all of my friends have been really nice… "because you are nice as well…" she's cute. dinner was lovely and my food was really good. thats one thing we did really well while the girls were here. i ate well, and shopped. i am exhausted from all the traveling and orchestrating the days… making sure they had fun. we decided to skip the art show and head back, they wanted to shower and get ready to leave. i was so tired and feel asleep… i felt kinda bad for not socializing… I'm just really not that girl sometimes. i did sketch a picture of skyler while i chatted with lindsey about boys, showed her some of my sketches… but i hated the picture and feel asleep. they showered and packed their things… i dreamed that i skipped yoga class so i could go see harry perform. I'm not sure where i was… but it was a small intimate performance, my favorite kind with him. i just keep dreaming of this kid… does he ever dream of me? 

seventy.two.

this day i wake up.. the other two girls are up and starting to move around. its not too bad to have them here, it helps me get moving, it helps me to wake up. i try and recall my dreams, staying still with my eyes closed long enough to remember… seeing him (harry harrison) running around in my dreams. i remember seeing him in all black, it was hard to be with him, i think i was chasing him around as usual. 

i get ready quickly for work, biking fast. i manage to get there on time, exactly on time actually. i was immeateidy booked a client which i was very excited about… i spent some time chatting with londen, establishing that i have done a good job so far with what i have going on. i read an acticle last night about where successful people were at age twenty.five, seems to me that i am right on track. with just a little more time… and a few more months here, i just have to met more people, i will be exactly where i am supposed to be. skyler is late, i assume that she is not showing up.. then she graces my presence. i convince her that she needs a make.over. i change her color and style her hair for the "show" that she is putting on tonight in downtown long beach, come to find out… third time is a charm. we hit it off immeadley.. she is interested in my "story". so i tell her. all the signs point to exactly where i am today. i tell her the story.. show her "his" video… she is instantly in LOVe. aren't we all. I'm so glad that i can talk about him today. something about these boys… something about this "band" just does it for me. its like my passion.. which i have found in music… is just what i need to talk about today. god sends angels to keep you going. she was an angel/demon sent from heaven to entertain my dreams… to entertain my bargains.. and in turn… i hope i showed her that faith is real. once you are left alone in such a foreign land, you begin to see… you begin to realize what is real and what is false. all the means of what i need, i am given. i needed that extra bit. she invited me to her show.. I'm used to knowing the band. i think i'll go to this. 

i got off work early, which was excatly what i needed, to get out of that building and move on. i quickly biked home, then met them at a coffee shop downtown. we spent some time shopping, of course i was the one buying, as usual. i found the exact shoes that i was manifesting… my "pumped up kicks", so very excited. then to the birdcage coffee shop for some to the most insance coffee ever. it was so good.. and the garden spot was amazing. we spent much time taking pictures and enjoying our time here. we ate dinner at the latin restaurant on first, aleigro… then to shopping more at elev8. i was so excited to meet patrick.. i think we might have a connection…the possibilities are endless when i am allowed to be out and about. during this time austin texted me about the music happening tonight. it made me smile and be happy to hear from him, it is just nice to think about the fact that he thinks of me… this is going to be good. i let him know that we are going out downtown.. and he is staying in because he is going to coachella… I'm only slightly envious.. i don't want to just be a person in crowd.. i know that perhaps, if i work hard enough in imagining it.. i will be there with him, next year… this time… while he is performing. that is my actual goal. to be "with the band". we go home and get ready, change into our new outfits and sarah meets us here. we walk downtown… the venue is really cool. its called the basement and is hidden underground. the lounge atmosphere is perfect.. i text skyler, she will be here shortly. london also joins us, which makes me feel very special that he is spending time with us.. girls. it is a lot of fun, but i expected more. i needed it to be more, i can see myself doing this same thing… but better. i always need better. i try and picture it in my mind, they say it only takes a minute and a half to envision your future.. to make it happen. i see the critters playing here, selling out a show.. making a big scene. I'm just glad to be out. I'm glad that i don't chase people. i make them come to me. i don't chase her down, she comes to say hey to me… and takes a stunning picture, that i will probably never see… very "kate moss". i guess you could say… there is something about me. 

seventy.one.

actually i do remember some pieces now… i think joey was there. i can see his name written down and i can feel his pretense. i don't know why he would appear, but i think it's because he represents the devil in my life. i also imagined myself driving the 4runner around california, i miss her.

lindsey woke up first this morning, she usually does… the darkness made april think that it was cloudy out. i was able to lie around and write this morning, taking my time to get out of bed while the two girls got ready. we moved at a good speed and were ready to leave by just after ten. it was a really nice day today, a lot warmer than i had expected, but I'm hardly out and about in the morning before noon. we walked to cafe ambrosia on cherry and broadway, it was a quick walk and we were amused, well i was amused because it was all new to these girls. it really is a nice town, especially at this time in the day. we sat outside on the patio, the temperature was perfect, in a shady spot with vines growing up the walls. i enjoyed my meal, huevos ranchos… it was filling but not too much. we spent some time chatting and catching up, enjoying the california weather. it is pretty perfect. our conversation was nice, we discussed the differences of chinese marriage traditions… and americans. basically the men can get away with anything here. they are bums really. 

we walked to 4th street and checked out the shops. this is considered the arts district, basically just a small patch of thrift and antique shops. i love going in them.. its hard to not want to buy everything. the character of each piece, there is so much history. i was looking for specific things at first, but then i quickly realized that i would have to search harder for what i was looking for. i will have to stumble upon them, not something that i could just find in one day. there are many shops that i would like to revisit and spend much much more time in. retrospect is one of them, the shop is brilliant. it is filled with beautiful things, i remember the sunglasses…and the dresses! the shop is a tacky techno colored mess of orderly chaotic history. i met a beautiful red head named gretchen, she was the only business card that i handed out… i also enjoyed seeing some art work and searching around. we spent a few hours in this area, lindsey found a few things. then we had coffee at portfolio and continued our journey to second st. the walk was very nice, it took awhile and we stopped to take some photos, which i hardly have. its funny how i love LOVE to have them… but i never stop to take them. but when i do, they usually turn out well. it was fun and the weather today was really perfect. it was nice to walk the whole time, just being able to see the city. the shopping on second was really nice. i had a good time in buffalo exchange, found some pieces that i can wear throughout the summer. a minx fur collar and an orange neon maxi… a few other things that were most likely not necceary but oh well… then to a boutique called the b store, where i fell in love with a blue fur coat. i don't know what it is about the 'pieces" that i love so much… it is faux fur, only forty five dollars… sold to the crazy girl with the beatles shirt. it was a perfect fit and a sample, so one of a kind. I'm sure that there are only a few hundred floating around .. and when you wear a piece like that, people are bound to talk to you. london started to text me and i sent him a picture of the coat, he was stoked. he reminded me of the food truck event and after stoping at a few shops, laurenly *this one i need to return to, and a few others.. i wasn't allowed to buy anything else. we headed back to broadway, by now the sun was setting and it began to cool off. the food trucks were fun, about six or eight of them… i yelled "london" and he smiled. hugging april and lindsey as he waited for his chicken and red velvet pancakes, i think i'll have what he is having. then we moved on and found a Mediterranean truck and got dinner to go. our walk home was exhausting and brisk, it is a walkable amount, but when you are hungry and tired, it seems like forever. we stopped to snap some photos at the bay with the sunset… i broke a sweat and my feet were killing me. by the time we got back to the house i felt moody and my shoulders hurt so bad. we enjoyed our dinner and watched a few episodes of portlandia. it is a hilarious show. i wanted to keep watching but we were all so tired. its is only nine, but it feels like one am to them… i shower and we go to sleep. this day really was nice, i felt like we accomplished a lot, including getting lindsey a dress to wear to a wedding… my feet hurt though. 

seventy.

i was excited to wake up and conquer the day today. i had planned on taking a class… its easier to wake up and know that i don't have to go work. i got ready quickly and biked downtown. the morning was beautiful, there is something so simple about the morning time. in californina, it is a slow time. a quiet time… i should utilize it more often. my ride was steady… through downtown, taking my time and crossing streets, trying to pay attention to the things around me. it was ironic that i was headed to the same place as sarah i went to for that art show the other night. the place is beside a hair school, which is also funny that i could recognize the students immediately. reminded of our school days.. and how many years ago that was. the area was too quiet… no one was at the center. i checked the sign on the door and realized that the class was actually on last saturday… so i missed it. i was kinda upset, i guess the internet had the wrong date, either that or i read it wrong. a guy came out to greet me, he thought i was there for the yoga class. i laughed and told him my story, he introduced himself… "rome" and explained that he was teaching a senior class at ten. i was an hour early and i don't have the patience to stick around. he hands me a flyer and i go outside. the cherry blossom trees are in bloom, their thick pink flowers are beautiful. the trees line the streets… down playing the graffiti walls and "rough" parts of town. i decide to make a quick stop at walmart to get toilet paper and a pillow. this is a dangerous place, i lock my bike up and worry that it may get stolen. i hurry through the shopping process, forgetting about a few items that i should've purchased. i dislike walmart so much. it is a filty ridiculous place, the lighting is bad and the people inside are.. weird. the concept is based on a "bargain" so therefore it has ruined out country. if i never go into another one.. i'd be satisfied in life. its a bit difficult to get the pillow and toilet paper to strap onto my bike… then i head home. a young guy that i have to bike around takes one look at me and says.."hey beautiful, wow… just seeing you has made my day…" i smile and say thanks, then i move on. close to home… i like walking here in the morning. the canopy of trees that lines the sidewalk to the entrance. i manage to get some laundry done, washing towels and pillow cases… straightening up a bit. drink a cup of coffee and then head to yoga. the eleven am class is kundilini with duyan. the bike ride to fourth is quick, i am early and i take a minute to explore the street. the vintage shops here are amazing. at eleven i head back to the studio, a guy named rick lets me in. we sit for while and wait for the teacher… taking time to chat and he gets to know me. he tells me a few good places to go to hear music, i try and take it all in. she shows up a bit late and apologizes… the world sometimes prevents you from being on time. i am interested in her, she has a nice smile and asks if i have studied this type of yoga before…. a few times. the class is nice, it worked on my breathing and tensing of the muscles. learning to relax and try and clear my head. earlier i had texted austin, i thought about him during class… our lives together. good thoughts ran through my head. lots of clear visions of my immediate future. it is hard to shut those thoughts off. afterwards, the class behind us cancelled…which rarely happens. we were able to sit and have tea and snack… and talk. these two individuals were people that i liked getting to know. i enjoyed their company and what they had to say… what they will teach me will good. we discussed tai chi and yoga training… writing books, support groups, a lot of healers that she had gone to try and heal her cancer. it worked and now she was working on a book and documentary about her process. our time ended and i walked next door to get some organic raw chocolate and then to bike home. i spent the afternoon with coffee and worked on my horse drawing, adding and shading in detail. i really need to work on my work looking "real" instead of cartoon… hopefully with more practice i will be able to accomplish this goal. 

ali calls and i meet her outside to go to the market. both of us realize that we didn't bring enough cash, so we quickly go through and get what we absolutely need. we run into niya, by the cake balls… and we laugh and hug. taking a minute to catch up with her, then she hands me forty dollars..oh yea, she owes me this. i had forgotten and this money couldn't of come at a better moment. ali says "you're like an angel". she is that… I'm bummed that edwin is not hear today, i really wanted to pick up that dress… we go back to her place and hang out on the deck, eating the snacks that we bought at the market. the sunset is nice, nothing exciting. a glass of wine and some music… the channel is future islands.  the sun sits low and we decide to walk to get tacos. the wind is rough and we walk the boardwalk towards shoreline. we are going for taco tuesday, so we decide on tequila jacks. it felt like our walk was forever, we arrive and we realize that is too busy. heathens, that is what it is like. i felt like everyone was too dressed, drunk… smelling of ridicuouls perfumes. i wanted out of there and i didn't want to eat there. i guess we walked too far to not eat, so we went next door and were sat immediately down outside. it was breezy. the service was ok, we had drinks…. and then split a salad and hamburger. the food was good but i became immedaltly frustrated with lindsey getting into town. i just need to relax, and try and have fun. she causes us to rush through the meal and i am upset with the fact that we had to rush to finish our meal. our walk home is quick and brisk, we are walking with the wind so it was much more pleasurable. i get home in just enough time to put everything away for lindsey to get here. right before she calls… austin text we back. he gives an excited answer about the music line up for the week and tells me that he is going to coachella this weekend. how lucky is he?! i would love to go but try and put my jealously aside, i text him back and smile, then lindsey calls and i run to the gate to let them in. they are scared and moody first off… and hungry. the travel is too much for them, i feel like i can do it with ease now. i make them dinner and set up the air mattress. they meet my roommates and lindsey makes her usual snide comments about how its "not natural" to live in this situation, referring to the guys… that hurts my feelings and all the comments that i will hear in the following days should be … wonderful.

we watch a few you tube clips of portlandia and laugh while april (her friend) showers and then they fall asleep. i text austin a bit more, nothing too much… just glad that he is responding. i remember that i mailed  harry a letter earlier in the day, i watch him sing a song on youtube, then work on an evil clown/mad hatter drawing. i've had this evil creature in my head and i needed to get him out. i was frustrated about how the detail and how i couldn't get it right, but its strange. this drawing thing… is teaching me about how to have patience. once again i fall asleep without writing, left the light on and i can't recall my dreams. i have doubts about what i am doing with my life… am i a writer?

sixty.nine.

(monday) 

i wake up once again with all the lights on. it makes it easier to wake up i suppose, i had to spend some time writing. it is very important that i keep up with these entries. i don't like writing them the next day… all the night dreaming sets you up for a different angle. its hard for me to recall all the details… here i am, its almost impossible for me to remember what i dreamed last night… i know i remember it this morning. i suppose i need to at least write a paragraph about my dreams in the morning. i lagged a bit while getting ready, wore a simple out fit and combat boots. today is the end of my work week, and now i will be able to relax a few days. it is so bizarrely windy out today, my ride to work was warm and quick, i was riding with the wind. i spend the morning just snacking on fruit and drinking tea. spending time with london, as soon as i arrived he greeted me with a creation. a bronzed head piece that i had mentioned i wanted from a magazine. i loved it, it sat well in my fizzy dirty hair… i wore it all day, as it was very comfortable and matched my outfit. i know that i had to of looked like quite the sight. we talked about our usual vain and cynical nonsense, which is starting to become a sin in an of it's self. the day wasn't too painfully slow.. i wrote some, caught up on events in long beach..art shows, work shops, meetings… i spend some time outside on the porch… london and i went for a quick walk and he convinced me to get ice-cream from the coffee shop… which proved to be impulse and upset my stomach. it was poor quality and londons rocky road flavor was full of random things, piece of plastic, old marsh mellow and an icicle. we were kinda moody and stayed close, back inside for work… i managed to get one walk in, neil. he was a nice looking older gentle man. i can see our relationship turning out nice, he was a clever man. very quiet and simple. i know that doesn't probably stand true for the description of what he is really like… i spent time talking to jackie on the phone, catching up and laughing about why we become such good friends. we talked about boys, vented… shall i say. i talked to lindsey about her trip out here tomorrow. i am thankful she is coming out here… it should be an interesting few days. 

the salon was so quiet, it was painful. we closed early, riding in the wind was hard to do. it gave me more of a challenge. i made leftovers from yesterday… a random assortment of what nots… candy, chocolate world. haha… actually it was kale, carrots and edamae beans. i spent some time talking to joe and catching up. it was one of the first times in awhile that i recapped my dreamy future. he complimented me… made me feel better. i just feel like I'm being trapped in a tiny glasss box, i can only see out into the world, the amazing wonderful moments are just out of my reach. while talking to him for hours i sketched a quick photo of austin, just because i was thinking about him earlier. and then i drew a unicorn, i remembered drawing horses as a child. i miss this very much.. her, the little girl that i used to have time for… a crazy imagination. well, i suppose that hasn't changed. i spent the later part of the night watching a sermon about first love. it gave me some very good insight on what it means to be single. how empowering and liberating it is. how i know that being single is the only way that i will be able to accomplish god's word. singleness is a gift to me, but be who i am and focus on my personal self in order to set an example and educate others. i was blessed with so many gifts, one being an artist. one of my most precious gifts.

sixty.eight.

waking up is hard to do, I'm stuck in my dreams… but since i keep waiting until the following morning to write, i have lost the memory. habits are hard to follow for me, I'm very tired at night and since this day was boring… i haven't much drive.

the bike ride was nice and quiet. sunday morning rides to work are peaceful, the sun was out and my soundtrack was nice. future islands.. reminds me of home. work is slow, my first color appointment got caught up at immigration, she had to cancel, which is a bummer. i waited for her for two hours… then gave up. spending time eating and just walking back and forth. london and i sat around and read satire of the bible that his atheist friends posted online, we had a small group of people for a few minutes to talk about it. but they were uninterested after awhile and moved on. london left early… and then i was bored. a girl named tuesday lionelle from wilmington north carolina made an appointment with me later in the day. i spent alot of time on her hair, conditioning it and paying close attention to her cut. her hair needed a lot of care and i loved her company. her eyes were amazing. she is out here to go jewelry and fashion school… its a dream of everyone's who comes out here. we have a lot in common, as i do with many girls my age. i guess we all came out here to be… discovered?

i wait patiently around for another appointment, but it was really a waste of time. i get bored and start texting people, james and i have an ongoing conversation about what i am doing out here, he makes me think with his questions and i always talk in rhyme to him. he thanks me for the intellectual conversation… then i research some venues… free music at alexs, but i have no one to go with. i ask around but everyone is busy. Facebook leads me to lindsey's blog "unwritten", it is set up beautifully.. all white and very pure. she talks about god heavily, and you can tell that she struggles… but her metaphors are simple… i tear up a few times, she mentions that she misses her sister who moved to california…i catch up with a few people back home. i am now debating going home for a visit, shell really needs a haircut, so does ara and i need to just catch my breath. this place is wearing me down. i stay until almost seven, which allows me to be able to bike with the sun still up… my ride is quick. i text a few others… tyler sullivian (jones), something reminded me of his existence, his response… I'm waiting those two more years… i told him i'd marry him in five years… three years ago? now that just seems all too close for comfort and unless he plays an instrument and travels the world as a rock star, i doubt that i will be interested. i make a really nice meal for myself, watch a strange romantic movie titled "take this waltz"… a girl has an affair and marries another man.. but she isn't happy with either. and then i move on to my room. i am too tired and can't seem to want to paint… i read the history of voltaire, his teachings are simple and make sense, but he was a bit "boring" as well. i just get so damn bored. i fell asleep again with all the lights on… not sleeping too well… you have to have these lame days to introduce you to the good ones.