ninety.nine.

I woke up early.... I had to get ready and packed before the construction started. I had very much to accomplish before I needed to leave the house. All I really wanted to do was lay down and take a nap.. To sleep in would be great.. Maybe one day soon. Spent some time writing ... I keep doing this later and later into the day. I also built my tumblr blog #rooftopfashion, where I will soon have my designs... But for now it is a display of my fashion sense and things from bella mia. I think it will be a good outlet for me... 

I needed to leave.. So I found a class that I was excited to attend at we love yoga.. I quickly biked and hit my knee, it hurt. The day was beautiful and I took a different route. It looked very quiet and I could feel that maybe class wasn't going to happen... I went for a stroll to portfolio and got my favorite green tea latte with hemp milk, it was really crowded and come to find out that they were filming a Microsoft commercial. I also purchased an art magazine that I was hopping to read on the train later... I went back to see if class had started.

There were two girls waiting outside and I chatted with Christian, she informed me that there was another one just over an hour later.. So I should come back. I decided I would, I have time to kill. I browsed through a thrift store and found some really cool note books and thank you cards for only a dollar. I headed back to the coffee shop to get water and sit for awhile. Sarah had just come in for her shift and it was good to chat for awhile. Then back to yoga... It was a community power class, only sixty minutes long... But it was a good flow. I liked the instructor.. And I loved that the screen door was open in the back. Reminded me of being at Mimi's, something about the feeling, the lighting. I suppose life really is just a parallel trail. I tried as hard as I could to focus and work on my breathing.. Trying not to let everything get to me yet. Being present and bettering my well being. I biked back to the house and had a snack, andrew informed me he was going to santa monica and I could get a ride with him. It took me awhile and a lot of energy to figure out the bus schedule, but I just assumed that I would be able to figure it out once I was there. The ride with andrew was nice, these guys care about me and my well being, it is a blessing. He dropped me off at the corner of Santa monica blvd and ocean blvd, it was chaotic.. I asked a guy where the 704 left from? The guy pointed to the other side of the street... It's right over there. Seems easy enough... I walked over there and spent some time just waiting, for a bus that never came. A few minutes passed.. A guy was sitting on the ground just texting and minding his own business, two cops on  bikes stopped to harass him and make fools of themselves ... The moment got out of hand and before any of the bystanders knew it.. They were threatening to arrest him. Who knew you couldn't stand at the bus stop and you can't sit on the ground. I tried to look up where I could contact the police department and complain... But the website only allowed for compliments. This one younger guy was filming it.. After the incident we all stood discussing the incident. So strange. While I was waiting.. Another guy stopped me to tell me that I was so beautiful. How sweet... Made me blush. I decided to get on the rapid 7... It would get me close. I sat and talked to the guy for awhile, he looked like alex and was interesting.. He was going to the Santa monica college for mechanical engineering. We laughed about a comment from another passenger about how he didn't need to waste time "with girls like me". Funny, but true. Our conversation was interrupted by another guy that sat in between us... I was almost compelled to tell the first guy to come sit by me. I talked to both of them for awhile about riding bikes and North Carolina... It was time for the first guy to get off... He stood up and I knew that it would be the last time I would see him... "My name is Diego". We shook hands and he smiled, and he got off the bus. I was really sad for a second and then remembered that  this was my exact dream from the other day. I started to panic a bit about the fact that I can dream the future.. And had pretty much lost interest in the other guy that was sitting beside me. My phone was about to die, the bus was stuck in traffic and I wasn't getting anywhere close to where I needed to be. Thank goodness for will... I got off in a sketchy part of town and stood waiting for him. It was a dangerous part of town and all that was left to do was watch the sunset and sing my hallelujah song in my head. It went on for a few minutes while I waited... 

I was happy to see will. We quickly went to purchase a few needs from the store and then off to the video shoot. I was able to breathe now, knowing that I was not late. We were just in time, we went to this really cool apartment that cooper was moving out of... Such a neat place. I did Andrews make.up.. Which I'm not the most educated in this "male" make.up.. But from the boys point of view we needed it darker.. Then it ended up being too dark. I must admit it was kinda off... It's all a learning experience, but it upset me that I couldn't get it right the first time. Almost embarrassing, but it is only makeup and luckily will had remover.. Which reminds me.. I need to invest in some for my kit. 

It was really cool to see the footage from the other day, projected on a huge screen that andrew was singing in front of. It was like a live show in the living room... The footage over and over again. I'm learning alot about how to make music videos... I had lots of ideas about my future and how amazing it would be to have garrett and cooper working on a critters video. This is what I am doing, this is what I will be doing for years. Will and I make a really good team... He is trying to convince me to move out there with him. It's not about skill, it's about who you know. We stopped to get a quick dinner at the grocery store and I saw a guy working up on the second floor of a loft like salon painted a cool color green. I do like the area in west Hollywood and wouldn't mind working there.. Will and I ate our dinner while watching a movie that isn't even in theaters until this Friday... It's one of his clients, called vehicle 19. We discussed how much money goes into making movies and how within the year I need to move there so I can start making money... He said 100,000 by the end of this year. That seems so wild, I'm aiming just for 30,000.. We'll see. It's gonna be hard to leave my situation now.. But who's to say the future. I have new options every day.. Every hour. Just time will answer this mystery.. I went to sleep without writing, I'm tired. 

ninety.eight.

i didn't feel like getting out of bed, kept pushing snooze. i knew that i had to get up before eight and get ready just to make sure that i had running water to wash my face. i did this quickly and changed… london text me and i was on my way. i was only an hour later than i had estimated… we walked to brunch at cafe neo. it was raining  outside… but too loud inside for it to be enjoyable. i really wasn't all that impressed with the food. 

we started on the dread process around eleven thirty, i learned a lot about extensions, the repetitiveness of applying the hair to the natural hair was good. i seem to be good at this type of work with my hands. the finished product was good, i like how he looked with dreads. looked younger and more artistic. reminded me of the "beach" boys. i biked home to find the house torn apart, lots of small square holes in the walls, in the celing, everything torn apart. i changed and went to alis so we could go to the market. the afternoon was nice and it was good to get everything… fruits, veggies… we stopped to snack on empandas before walking home. we had some wine and she cooked nachos. i regret eating so much.. but it probably wasn't that bad for me. tupper called and i chatted with him. he was excited about some recording he did today with a country singer from currituck. i listened to the songs… and was able to call and critique them. i like hearing ed's voice. he is very familiar and i like that he calls. i always answer so i can hear him say my name… and i laugh. i miss the murderhole. our time was short lived while i was home… but if all the cards fall right, i will be spending a lot of time there. and tupper will have lots of recording to work on, that is the goal.

i fell asleep too early, i had big plans to pack and organize… color my hair. but everything is a mess and i don't feel lilke showering again. this rash has been taking over my body for weeks now and i can't seem to get rid of it. i need to highlight the ends of my hair… I'm just so exhausted. 

ninety.seven.

it was hard to get up.

i didn't feel like going to work.

i mixed up the rountiue by waking up early and doing my make.up… then falling back to sleep for about twenty minutes, after writing about my previous day.

it was nice getting back in bed… but then i had to feel the pain of waking up twice. the dream that i had was really strange, colorful and vivid. (see 5.6.13 swsu)

it was a good day at work. i immediately got a call in apportionment. monday is nice because it is quiet and the chances are higher. 

jasmine, she wanted a haircut and style. she was going to see her boyfriend's father near san francisco.

she is a natural healer with stones, she makes jewelry. i liked that she was sure in herself. she needed to tell me about my future. the vision she had… my artwork would be known, bright… colorful… vivid. like a dream. they would be big and sell for thousands… but i would only make a few a year. i would meet the right people by doing hair. that is my web. my connection. i would have gallery shows in the area & LA. i am determined.. did she say strong willed? it leaves me. i should rest now while i have this "downtime".

perfect.

i spent some time with london on the porch while he read ghost stories from ireland on the porch.

i needed to get a fix from coffee… to the library. went into niya's store and checked out the floor… i liked the color and patterns we chose, a lot darker. tom was in there and i wanted to talk to him about the salon he just opened. he is a character, i not sure about him still. we'll see.

the evening was busy with good clients. lots of good conversations. neil is a good client, so is rob… he will be. we talked about asheville and the critters… i showed him the band. he shared some good stories with me.  and then patti. one of my first clients. she works at the movie theater. i liked the movement in her cut.

my ride home was windy and dark… hung out with oliver in the kitchen awhile after dinner. he let me try one of his chocolate treats, really good. we talked for some time. said he learned a lot about me when he had to go move things for construction. i paint..i write a blog. i am a character. said he was starting to see "roots" from me.

met matt tonight, from illinois. something about him i like immediately . his dry sarcasm like a real like peter from family guy… but like brian more witty smarts. silly. we talked about all kinds of things… fur coats.

i made a mad hat talent to do list. it must get accomplished soon. 

i needed to wash my hair… was going to color it. but it is behaving too well… i want to just be with this hair forever. it is mine and there is no need to change it. "brings me closer with mother earth" as london would say. i decided to not wash… drink some vodka… smoke my new weeds… and paint my nails. fell asleep after listening to stay over and over and over… i have work to do. 

ninety.six.

the dreary morning keeps me laying in a bit longer than i needed… the wind made my bike ride more difficult. i switched the soundtrack, that made it better. a band call "queen of hearts" was first… that is appropriate.

once at work the whirlwind proceeded. i was so thankful to have something on my books. karen was coming in to get her extensions, which would be my first official client getting this service. i did a good job at matching the color perfectly and even the measurements i was able to judge well. i spent a lot of time with her and made sure that i did the sectioning and sewing neatly. i love sewing and piecing together the "fabric". the finished product was wonderful, once again… i should've taken a picture. oh well, usually just the joy of the client and the self reassurance that i can do the job… is enough for me. i don't need a record.

my next client was micheal.. a quickly tall blonde guy that reminded me of allen. his hair turned well and i really enjoyed his company. he is a photographer and his girlfriend "tara" is a classical singer. we hit it off well and shared stories about photos and traveling across the country. he asked me if i did hair and make.up for print work and that he needed a stylist. i would love to work with him…

the rest of the day was slow and quiet. i suppose that the "holiday" cinco de mayo" may have had something to do with it. there were a lot of people out and about on broadway. i was ready to leave long before seven… i watched a few you tube videos on how to make maxi skirts, which i need to be doing immediately. they are so in style and i have access to all the right people and things… i just need the materials and the practice. 

i think that i would enjoy my evenings even more if i could come home to make projects like… clothes.

it is the only thing that will prevent me from shopping really. how do you kill a shopping addiction? you make clothes.

we sat around and watched the clock… laughing and watching susie color, cut and dry shannon's hair. it was funny to talk about how horrible kids were in high school… the mean nick names and how you got along with others. thinking back, i guess i got along with everyone. they liked me…i was smart and had huge boobs so the guys liked me. i was sporty and got along somewhat well with the girls. they were probably more jealous of me than i realize, but i was just busy and clueless to take notice.

i came home and wasn't that hungry.. wandered around the house, watched some interesting things on ted talks for about an hour… chatted with daniel and then went in my room to create something. i painted on a cork board that i will use soon to dislapy patterns and affirmations about mathat creations. this is the company that i need to focus on. maybe getting a business license first and then… a trademark on the name? i wish i knew more about this… i will have to study it some, quickly though. i feel urgency in everything that i do now. like someone may just pull the rug from under my feet.

i painted my nails… wrote a poem about my california king at home. i started to remember that house and all the fun times i had with all the boys… all the girls… it was just a golden time in my life. but as i was reminded with daniel the other night, i already had that time. i don't necessarily want it again, i will always have it in my mind, it happened… but now i have to move on. i had the most beautiful boys on the island in the kitchen for haircuts. alex, sterling, dana, harry… tupper. i had lovely ones to kiss on the red couch… joey and dave…. josh. it was all too much. all these boys were major distractions for me, but they were also the motivation to keep going. i knew that if these beautiful creatures were part of my art…. then only better or "just as good" was to come. that house will hold these treasures forever and ever. every time i go "home" to see my parents, i will remember those treasures. and laugh a little inside knowing that it was and is our time. 

ninety.five.

it was hard to get up at six thirty, the sun was hardly up and being so comfortable in my bed i thought that i would text niya and see if she responded. instead of getting up immediately i laid there until the very last minute that i could. i jumped up and got ready… she got to my house just little after seven fifteen. we were off to la on this cloudy morning, i was excited to see what this adventure would entail. 

maple st is in the garment district and the fashion district, racks and racks of clothes lined the streets and people were everywhere. crazy to think that this started at five in the morning. i was overwhelmed with choices so you had to switch your brain to think in terms of color, pattern and material. it was nice to have plenty of time to shop around and look at the choices. buyers choose the trends…its up to them to pick through the madness and decide what goes in the stores. this was all like a dream to me, actually it reminded of a dream… as usual. we had a not so good burrito outside and then proceeded to shop around finding some really cool maxi dresses and tank tops, i even managed to spot a zip zag top for myself. i feel complplety ridiculous that i would spend full price anymore on clothes, now that i know what the prices could be… at wholesale. this morning may have been the beginning of a lovely team between niya and i. i love the support that she gives me… i think she likes my company. we chose about six items for the store and that was good. it was amazing that we could get away with just that, then we headed back to long beach. it was almost eleven and i had just enough time to help hang some of the clothes, try on an amazing purple shirt that i wore for the day and grab a dirty chai coffee before heading to the loft. 

it was a slower saturday, which i was thankful that i could live on the shopping high. so many possiblites! were running through my head about how i wanted to transform my life into one that i can relax and have more time to just "be" and deal with fashion and actually making clothes. now that i have put my mind to this… i can make it happen. it is just this vortex of time and money that keeps sucking me away from what i want to be doing. i spent some time writing about the day before… and i didn't even finish. the day before kinda bored me and that is why i can't seem to get the writing done. 

the day turned out to be beautiful and i spent some time siting on the porch with london and jordan… then my two o'clock color stood me up which upset me and i decided to just continue to eat to pass the time. i did manage to get a walk-in male haircut… he came in with his girlfriend. they were both kinda drunk but really nice, just wasn't really into the haircut. it turned out nice and he complimented my webiste and the weirdness of the photos. seeing this older couple reminded me that one day… i will indeed get old, but i will be wise.

the rest of the day passed by kinda slow… i looked at pictures of boys with dreads with london for hours… then breezed through alex's tumblr account and remembered what my life used to be… too bad i managed to only be in one photo, which is brilliant for how much i was actually there. i liked photos of harry, performing almost two years ago… that was the good stuff. 

shannon gave me a ride home, the weather had turned cold and cloudy quick and i no longer felt like walking or catching the bus. we chatted a minute and now that she lives so close… maybe i could actually spend some times with her, which i believe would really benefit her life. 

i was glad to come home to some quiet but i needed to get high or something… ali wasn't responding to my texts so i spent the evening chatting with daniel and after taking shots of tequila with andrew and oliver… we got high on the front porch and talked about life … and really important things until ian come home, around evelven. he caught us watching the tiny desk concerts again on the big screen… its our secret addiction. it was nice that daniel said things like i belonged here and had my hands in a million non profit jobs right now… they chose me as a roommate because they liked me.

i thought that i was going to sleep and i got a text from allen, he wanted to talk.

it was good to hear his voice on the phone, as we don't really phone chat much.. but it was perfect to catch up with what is happening and to hear someone so familiar that was excited that i was here doing what i need to be doing. he did almost the same thing as me when he was in his twenties… and sometimes the hardest things you accomplish are what is worth….. everything. he said that lindsey and him talked about me for minute and how the "unicorns" missed having me around. it really is a magical land back home, one so small and absurd that i will no doubt go down in history there… i am from there, i belong there… but the fact that i mysteriously disappeared to do these life changing things all the way on the other side of the world… says a lot about how strong and independent i am. i guess i was trying to prove that point all along. 

ninety.four.

my odd sleep patterns helped me get up earlier this morning. i set the alarm for really early thinking that i would get up and get ready just in case they started working on the water pipes and shut off the water… but of course the morning came and i couldn't even get out of bed… fifteen minutes earlier helps.

i was excited about my first client, he is someone to look forward to seeing again. he teaches music class for a start-up art school…

Taking a break.. I fell asleep trying to finish my train of thoughts. 

The hair cuts today were good. It was good to have a steady flow of business, I really needed the money today... I think I even acquired a few new clients. One client in particular, first thing in the morning gave me a wonderful compliment, he liked my blog. That actually means alot to me... Because he is a music teacher at an arts school. He said it was a good layout of nonsense that read like a song. A very random mysterious feed... All those descriptions I enjoyed. 

Another client who remembered me from months ago was also a breath of fresh air... He was interviewing with google in San Francisco, I gave him the advice that the universe has been giving me.. Visualize your future, then it will happen, but you have to believe and see it first. It has worked for me and he was so stoked to have this information... He complimented my website as well. All these small gestures mean so much to me, each one leading up to keeping me trying to produce and make more work. The afternoon lead me to niya's boutique and we went for our usual walk around the block with Mexican ice cream. It was warm out today as we slowly rounded the corners and then headed to the beach. She invited me to go shopping in the fashion district early Saturdays morning... The highlight of my week. It was so exciting to get invited on this adventure. 

I needed a client to cancel so I could come in late... I used my thoughts to work this out.. He called and canceled shortly after, so that worked out perfectly. Sitting on the porch brainstorming and chatting with london, I realize that I'm good at being content quietly... I can fill my brain with positive thoughts. 

I give it just a few more months of planning and brain storming... And then I can start to make moves. 

I was booked until the end and rushed out to spend time with Ali and Ian's friends from out of town. The evening was cooling off and the sunset was absolutely amazing... A cotton candy wonderland. 

I hurried in the house sweating and changed... Some friends were at the house and AAron was there, haven't seen him in awhile. It was good to hang out in my closet with him, our usual. Quickly changing and walked to Ali's. 

once I showed up, I was immediately introduced to three boys.. Two of which ian grew up with. New boys... I thought quickly in my head... Changed my mind and decided that I wasn't interested in any of them. It was fun to hang out on the porch with a tipsy Ali cat... I needed to relax and smoke weed... And then we took a cab downtown to grab some food. It was kinda lame, quiet.. It's just not what I am into anymore. I don't really like beer and the food wasn't good.. But I wasn't that hungry.

Everything is just boring and dragging out now. Friday and Saturday are just not my days anymore because I have no desire to meet a guy at a bar.. Spend money on alcohol or be in a crowded spot with bad music. There is nothing worse than all of that... And those were our choices for the evening. After ian and Ali fought it out at the table.. We headed home, losing two of the boys to club hopping. Back to the Oceanside apartment, I'm just so quiet Derrick said.. He was interested and asked questions.. I have a hard time even talking to new people because I don't know what to say other than really ridiculous philosophical things like... What is your passion? That isn't always the most appropriate first question ... For someone that you just met. I did connect with Derrick just alittle bit, he liked to ask questions and liked my answer.. "What do you like to do?" Dance. That is .... What I love. And listen to good music. The high that you get from listening to the sounds. It's the chords that keep people in, it's the sounds that they can relate to. I stayed up too late for no reason... and quickly walked home, remembering what austin said about walking like you are on a mission, people will leave you alone. 

ninety.three.

"God is an artist. So are we. And we can cooperate with each other. Our creative dreams and longings do come from a divine source, not from the human ego." julia cameron (via sarah woodhouse)

so it seems that boredom has consumed my body and i am tired of work already. i had a hard time getting up and an upset stomach… dragged on throughout the day. it was good that the sun was out because it definitely helped me get to work. i enjoyed listening to ichymane for my ride… something about the comfort of voices that i love… gets me through just a few more hours. 

i walk into the usual silence of the salon, but i like the crew on thursdays. it is nice to just have a few people there because it keeps drama down to a minimum. i was lucky enough to have a client request me, seems people really like the pictures i put up on the website.

she was an absolute pleasure to be with, a very happy… lively woman who did need help with her hair. it had been damaged with too many chemicals and just needed a good cut. 

we talked about art… and how her girlfriend just quit her job to pursue her passion.

i admire this a lot… and here i am laying in bed at four in the morning… writing.

this is my passion.

my stomach is so sick and i can't decide if it is from stress… or just upset from something i ate, but it has been bothering me all day. i can't seem to focus on what i am doing here.

canceling things absolutely makes me sick and all day i have been worrying with this "job" that i should be doing in LA with will and garrett. it is important that i be there and i see now that dropping everything to make it to these "jobs" is important. but what works out will… what doesn't… well that is just how it will happen.

i really need to get serious with how things are going go here. i am not pushing myself hard enough. i am not working hard enough…at all for what i need to be doing. 

it just upsets me that this entire "california" trip is right in front of my eyes… and all i can see is home.

but in reality home bores me. the angels have a plans for me out here… if i would just stop trying to resist it.

i need to become smarter with my money, more sound in my faith and stronger in my talents/art.

then i need to get over these silly boys. fuck all the boys… and then stop sleeping with them and they'll follow you around forever. that is the simple trick to boys. do not sleep with them… and they will be there.

i have a few good examples of these boys, they have become to be some of my best friends.

what do i really miss at home?

people that support me. if i will just allow myself to get close to people tere, then i would understand how i just need to relax, invest time into others and they will do the same for me.

breathing.

i bike home and immediately get online to practice tips on singing. it takes up about an hour, this is my first lesson… day one. i get distracted and tired and go and eat an unnessesary dinner and then… I'm tired. after texting sarah for a bit… a girl (client from work) asks me to go salsa dancing, but i must pass on this for the night. it is time to invest in some dancing shoes… and soon. 

i feel compelled to create something but i am too tired and i just write instead. I'm kind of a mess… 

i wake up to all the lights on (my new sleeping pattern) and an email from faith to cancel the show. for some reason i feel terrible about this and now my anxiety level is up again…. my stomach tells me that.

ninety.two.

this day was supposed to start earlier, but instead, like always … i sleep into an unreasonable time. i can tell it is sunny out… the morning at ten am takes me to the house at mimis, just listening to the breeze and chandeliers. it is hard for me to wake up, i have issues right now with needing intimacy. i feel like i need it, but it is really a challenge to learn how to be alone. 

the rest of the day is productive, i get a few things done… then spend the early afternoon catching up with people and laying on the deck. it is just the right amount of breezy on the porch, i spend hours laying in the sun like a cat. feeling better getting the vitamin d and scold myself on how i feel as if I'm accomplishing something. i talk to mom for awhile and then change to catch the bus. 

it happens quick, i don't have to wait long and the ride two 2nd street is good. i walk around and browse, but i know that i can't afford… nor do i need anything. it is all a waste really and i wish i had realized this awhile ago. i get to the post office just in time to mail shell and lindsey their things. it feels good to just give things up to chance via the mail… we'll see if it works. i walk around some more and then get some juice… catch the bus back and get ready for yoga. the afternoon is still light and busy and six thirty. it is a small class and we focus on the neck and shoulders. i decide to spend almost three hours practicing… two classes with the same teacher. she is such a strange character, but something about her seems…. educated. she really compliments well and i think understands a lot.

it was nice to have a private lesson with her… for the second part of my training. she was able to correct me and also learn my movements and help me to become more aware. I'm using yoga as my physical passion right now. in order for me to love others… i have to learn to love myself. somehow, yoga gets me closer to that feeling. after i walk to the coffee shop to hear music, the green tea latte is perfect and so is the atmosphere… gathered around are a few of the same faces and a few different ones. i notice that ericka from the market sings and writes songs.. she is so beautiful that of course she does. i want to know more, i want to hear more. they are all friends here and it is only my second time… tonight i feel quiet and tired and shy so i decide to head home to eat.

the mostly liquid diet of today feels good and i continue with soup and a few unnecessary snacks. i get upset over my legs and drink horrible tea… then i watch a sermon about how important friendship is in a relationship. i ruined everything with sex all the time. i just don't see how i can hold off until marriage… why must i swim in sin>>>>> but this austin/harry nonsense needs to figure itself out.

really, neither of them exist.

i  learn a lot and i make a promise to myself to start singing everyday.

practice makes perfect and if i want to create art that provokes emotion for eternity, then i have much practice… and much work to do.

ninety.one.

i skipped yoga this morning and stayed in bed. it felt terrible… i needed something. some intimacy, but i don't get that… i crave it all day.  like a fix that i can't tackle. getting errands done, things that let me think… laundry, eating. this day is quiet and cloudy out… but now it's time to run and make this day a much better one. it is just for me. this quiet time that i will rest in… saving it for the days when everything in the world is on my plate.

making a quick lunch and watching the dreariness outside… my eggs and spinach mix was really good. happy for my creation, maybe one day (again) i'll have some one to share it with. maybe thats what i miss… someone. but i have learned to accept this quiet time. this time to think and be alone. i've learned to like it more & more with time. i just need to stop focusing and "wishing" for this "someone". because actually he is not here…at all.

i went for a run to ali's and we hung out with syd and ate granola for awhile. the dog beach is near by… the sun has decided to make an appearance and that makes the clouds look really amazing. it was so beautiful and interesting… i just wanted to run forever. but instead i had to look down… it was fun running circles around sydney. not many people there. ali & i run really well together, for how much we didn't used to do this in our youth. we both did play sports though… i think that aids in our ability to get along well and work together. i need to be more active and get outside, stretch and be a part of this world. we went to ulta …quickly… to spend a ridiculous amount money. this is where i just happen to find matte top coat!!! it was right at eye level… funny how the mind finds what it wants. this really made my day. and then to whole foods for groceries. i do love whole foods, just the atmosphere… and the boys are cute. we snacked on chocolate and spent money together, that is what we do. 

she cooked a lovely meal for ian and i and then we painted. it was good to just sit down and enjoy the peacefulness of simply moving paint around. i had an image that i've wanted to recreate… the sunset over kansas. the one that just keep going, we were driving towards it, one of the most beautiful sights i've seen.  that time will inspire me for a lifetime. it will also…. haunt me.

i felt good about the painting. we practiced using mediums and mixing them with paint. sometimes you just can't plan on anything happening. my painting style shows this. but i could also do a few works of art that take time… that i work on for awhile. for that i almost just need a studio space. 

ninety.

this day was a bit of nothingness and a lot of dreaming. day dreaming. i almost want to not write about this day… i did not want to get up this morning. 

i did not really want to go to work… so i wore my favorite sneaker heels and my blue volcom pants, saw a picute of oleysa on instagram… funny, she was wearing the same outfit. i played around a bit… rearranged the porch and cleaned the mirror. decided that today i would do #rooftopfashion for awhile. london and i decided that we were supposed to be fashion designers. i read off an inspirational quote about style. something not that many people have. i did a thourough job of coloring his hair and then spent the rest of the day coloring a clients extensions. the cloudy dreary day was quiet all day at the salon. i sat around with a little hung over summer and we talked about boys… i probably told her too many secrets.. but what fun is it to have them if you can't share, sometimes. i was able to get out of there on time.. and came home to discover something so amazing. daniel was doing homework and listening to npr music on the big screen in the living room. the sound is great… in the living room.  like we had our own private show of all the good indie bands. i was so intrigued and sucked in the i skipped yoga… telling myself that i would go early in the morning. i just wanted more music. i spent hours listening to the beautiful intimate setting of the tiny little office. i just couldn't stop… it reminded me of how unbelievably i am spoiled. I'm a spoiled little princess that will never understand… my power. 

a mocha americano is my new coffee drink… i got it from the library earlier in the day, just after discussing how women have "needs" and sex will pay for anything. it is the answer to getting your way. women have this power… and if used properly, it can solve all the... problems.

I'm addicted to something. I'm not sure what this poison is that is in my blood… but I'm everywhere and nowhere at once. i decided to write a song… after texting leanne for awhile about music and boys… i have to . i have so many emotions. there is no fountain of youth and if i don't do it RIGHT NOW. the moment will be gone. nothing last… it comes to past. (I'm listening to acoustic avett brothers now on npr, late in the afternoon of the following day, I'm dragging… this writing is dragging me down)

i spent hours writing, singing and learning how to play the piano on my iPad, then started to feel overwhelmed and crazy… passed out and had weird dreams that i haven't had time to recall yet.