one.hundred.twenty.four.

How about this blurry dream. Things weren't going as planned... Harry was there, being himself. Running around in my dreams, most likely because I heard the original version of "hold on me" at the sky room last night. It made me long for him... For some one to sing to me. The talent of a young troubled soul. The jest of the dream is as follows.. Harry doesn't want me, he knows he can't have me... He doesn't have time for me. I am just another chick that he will discard of so he can move on.

I intend to wake up early and get writing done... But I'm in a deep sleep. Another night with the lights on... It can't be good for my health to keep sleeping this way. I woke up after turning off my phone and saw that gabriel had texted me late in night, around 2am, funny how I slept through that. I would've responded so I guess that it's good I was sleeping with my laptop. 

I liked that he thought about me so late.. I'm sure he had been drinking. 

But who's to say? 

I got ready and biked to the store, a gloomy quiet Sunday afternoon. The ride was nice and the calmness of the store seems comforting to me now. 

I swept up and ate my food... A few customers came in. I enjoyed all of them today and I managed to help a woman find a few things. She was a character and there was something different about her.. Selene. She has six children... Interesting, I've always wondered what that would be like. Her hair color was nice and towards the end I was able to look her in the eye. She said to me.. " I tend to like children more than adults.." And "you seem like a nice person". The day goes on and I hear from will which is always a boost of confidence. He fills me in on his ever exciting life and then tells me I made the behind the scenes trailer on you tube for Andrew McMahon, he's kinda a big deal it seems and I am so thankful to have been a part of that project. He is touring the country right now and funny that he'll be in asheville at the orange peel while I am home ... Wouldn't it be cool to see him!? But hopefully I'll be running around with the hound dogs. Shell calls to let me  hear harry play music and it's funny because I know that immediately it is him. She proceeds to upset me and begs me to come home... And sends videos of him playing. He is so amazing and talented that I don't know what to do and almost cry but the fact that I'm making my career in california  makes me feel almost  ok. I'm texting gabriel and this eases the tension... I have to chase just alittle. All handsome boys like that, but I'm not getting over zealous. He is just a dream or a buffer to keep me sane while living in LA. I could really use a guy like him... To go see shows with. The collaborate with.. Make art and make a mess. We'll see... 

later…

the evening ended up being very quiet. i had time to catch up on laundry and cleaning, i even have time to watch a sermon. i seem to be distracted and i can't focus on what i am trying to do… but i learn just a few things about god's view for relationships… the gender roles. i know that a relationship is what brings us closer to god… but i have to be with just him first.

gabriel texts me through out the night… along with shell. she must be drunk to be this "emotional"… but for once i felt a bit upset that she was being like that and i became content with being here. is that strange? so ridiculous. but as much as i miss all of them and the absolute beauty of my life at home, i have this urge to keep pushing onward out here.

i watch a funny puppet show with ian and daniel, laying on the floor like a child… i'm still just a child. i have a few realizations today… you'll always be missing something, but if you are content with what you have around you… then you just have to be thankful that you are alive. 

who's to say where i am supposed to be.. but all i know is that i would like to hang out and have a boyfriend soon. one that aids in my creativity and mental awareness. 

one.hundred.twenty.three.

Things are going too fast that I'm having trouble keeping track... and it's oh so easy to get out of good habits. To the point where you can't even remember where you began and how to get there again. 

New perspective.

Being so poor and spending all of you tips from the longest day ever to go have dinner with your best friend and her husband at the sky room in downtown Long Beach.. should've been a double date I suppose. I'm just not interested enough in the two of them. I feel some sort of disconnection. But the bar is a step back in time. Built in 1939 it was the original Hilton. The restaurant is frequented by royalty. American sorts anyway.. The swing band started right when we got there and I pondered their careers as musicians. Perhaps this is why I can't function in society right now... I'm not involved enough in the arts. I'm sure they also get burned out and can't seem to want to come to work... Or play the trumpet for three hours tonight... Or do they feel that way? Or is the passion to make music so strong that it empowers you? Older couples began to make their way onto the dance floor... Trotting around in a choreographed show of intimate sorts... Our drinks are good and made by a bar "keep" with circus like style. His mustache curled up on the corners and our drinks were really well thought out.

I want to dance. I want a dance partner. A life partner to smile with. I can't always be miserable. I am happy alone... but to sit back and be done ... There's a difference though, they danced together like this when they were young. When times were hard, the boys came back from war and danced with their wives. I'm sure many sailors, military men of all sorts reunited with their girls... And danced the night away to a live band, becuase this was long before 'djs'. It was all a classy show... Behind the scenes I'm sure the same scandal... As the energy of high talent always sparks a feeling of excitement and relentlessness. I suppose that was part of the problem... It causes too much amazement. Too much of a show... Too much of a mess. But when it comes down to it... It's exactly what we need, want and deserve. To stir up alittle trouble. The generation of rebellion and cause and effect. We are poor. I haven't felt more poor ever... I'm letting it get in the way of my well being, and that is sad. It's sad that our government can control our emotions with the evil power of energy: currency. 

So I declare myself mad from this day on. That sense of anger that sarah was talking about the night before, there is an anger... There is even interior rage against what has become of my life. But I thought it was going to be easy. It is not. 

 It was refreshing to have a steady busy Saturday at the loft.. But with a full book comes chaos and drama with the girls. Overall it was good, I met two new people and had two repeats. Some times it's hard for with me with the repeats because I have no idea what I talked about the previous appointment and I have to be careful what I say. Deep down I am still just a "groupie". 

I can't concentrate anymore on anything and I suppose I should try and center that.. Else I'm never going to be able to make a 'living'. One of my clients said that I was too keep going, because the universe needs me. I need the universe to keep my paths clear and somewhat visible so I can fight through the jungle to stay on two separate paths. 

I know I have lost everyone at this point. I realize that it is only me, alone. 

I understand this now and I can begin to except it.. I can begin to rebuild myself to a fullfilled state of being.

But I have to start at square one again, sitting down everyday to try and capture the details in the day. The good lessons are in the simple details. The ones that I have failed to record, failed to mention. 

one.hundred.twenty.two.

1, 2 skip a few… 7, 8, you are late

and i quickly begin to forget the details. 

i woke up in a haze naked in my bed. everything was a mess and i had managed to cover my walls and carpet with paint. a few hand pritns on the walls… but my "finished project" was so far from finished. hm

(days later I'm getting nothing. i can't seem to sit still long enough to write about it. i can't remember the details, i don't seem to care to recall them? why is this? is it because i have made "it" into this thing i think of as "work". but this is where i have become naive and i am ignoring the signs. finish one project at a time? i don't' think so. i need to pay attention. often i catch myself answering my own questions.)

focus.

i did it for the unpredictability of what could happen if i just didn't remember something. to leave my body though takes a toll on me. i didn't remember falling asleep, or crawling around spreading paint and pouring water on everything. i left myself a mess of acrylic and spilled mediums. the brushes were tossed. its all really nonsense and i talked about it too much. i don't need the attention. but i also need people to understand that you shouldn't take me lightly. i have a force to be reckoned with. as the cliche goes, its all just a bunch of "bs". 

Friday was really well, it feels nice to be wanted. I liked spending time with niya at her store before she left town. The bacon egg cheese and avocado croissant was delicious and  helped with my hang over feeling that I gave myself.. Via just raw whiskey. Oh just to think about it makes my stomach turn. London had to come fetch me so I could do an appointment.. Literally the three minutes I don't stare at my phone... I miss something. 

She was a lovely woman, on the inside. Much of life had taken from her and she had a swell of negative energy connected to her grandson. I felt empathetic towards her and enjoyed being able to talk with her and help her while in my chair. Some people connect with me instantly and I can see the interest immediately. I like to look into people's eyes.  

It's the times that can't be filmed or captured. Ten minutes you can't explain... Sitting on the floor that evening with sarah and discussing life lessons and figurations together over dinner, beers and a tiny joint. We get alittle silly and I dance around to harry's songs. The record opens up a different sound for him, I think and raw feeling of ... This is what I am trying to explain. Listening to the vinyl on the floor of an old apartment, the floors alone have seen more than we'll know. We are the first ever to hear his record on the west coast... The city of Long Beach California. I start to dream of my next six months. The last have been a roller coaster of emotions. Pulling me from coast to coast... All the music, missing harry... Needing friendship and learning that what I had was what I wanted all along. 

one.hundred.twenty.one.

I mixed up the routine and found it easier to get up and go to work at the boutique. The bike ride was nice, I was a bit early and dropped my bike off at the salon. 

I was thankful to be able to leave and walk to niya's boutique for the beginning of my day. It was a quiet morning.. Not many people walking around. She was working at the coffee shop and it was good to be able to kill some time with her. I also spent a lot of my time reading "letters to a young poet". I'm nearing the end of this book, but I am just not ready to be done.. So I start from the beginning. I understand it better this time, I'm more centered and prepared for what the concept is... What's going on. Rereading helps me remember and notice new things.. I love how he talks about solitude. Rilke is brilliant really.. But so sad. I can feel this sadness through his words... Through the generations. 

Three o'clock made it after a few sales and checking my credit score to realize that's it's ok after all.. I talked to mom on the phone and then walked to the Loft. I could feel a weirdness about this place... Like missing the morning time did not prepare me for what was happening. The energy was just difficult.. and negative. I was thankful to be able to fix a hair mistake, and she was a pleasant woman, the new "a-line" has arrived. I've already done this cut before and she had good hair to work with.

I was ready to leave early and one of my favorite clients didn't show for his appointment.... The energy was too bad and I tried to stay as long as I could. My ride home was peaceful and I had began to envision my outcome. I had the urge to paint and I had a lovely piece of canvas nice and white waiting for me. Not much food left me with a good meal of spinach pizza bites, beans and rice. I decided to begin drinking before eating... Shots of whiskey at the kitchen counter. 

one.hundred.twenty.

it's not a matter of up or down really.

i haven't a clue what i am doing anymore. i have reached a dead end it seems? is it though? is sitting around thinking that i shouldn't exist here really be doing me any good? i have't a clue anymore.

that boredom of what is.

wednesday.

i slept too much. i think that might be what is getting to me. I'm sleeping too much. i think that i should be out and about. stop being so damn selfish. 

i had breakfast. spent some time writing and organizing the closet. 

i read a book… well I'm reading a book called… letters to a young poet. most of the book is now underlined and marked up with pen. it has a lot of good points. i like how it is timeless. i want my words to become timeless.

it talked about how God is to come. i liked the way he put the words…. about how you must prepare to love him. i don't even want to try and capture his words. just how he says them is perfect. you should read it.. its the letter from october 29,1903. 

he also talked about solitude. that is how you really learn what you are. i had to leave. i had to go to know what i am.

the day was slow but i liked the pace… sitting in the sun was nice and hopefully good for my skin. i just liked how the heat felt on my body, i had time to sit still and read these letters. i was just content with my thoughts for while.

niya came to get me… our first conversation is about how weird everything is. we have run out of things to talk about and spent a lot of our time being quiet. i was glad that ali came to spice up the night, she is always the best time ever. something about that girl…

we went to get wine and then to ross to pick out a few decorations for the store… three bottles should do and some treats. it was really hot and her sister and friend were there… i was immediately turned off by her sisters friends, its mainly because i don't connect with early twenty somethings…

i should just relax. things are happening and i don't even know about it. it has to be . i must just stay focused and most of all stay humble. sometimes i loose sight of that…. humble.

relax. the evening was fun. it was good to get out with the girls…. ali, niya, tamara and i. 

this is going to be fun. we thought we had free tickets to the laugh factory, but you can't use them on the fourth wednesday of the month… it pissed me off a bit, but we decided on something different. 

we were at the pike, lots more to choose from, niya suggested the mai tai bar. it had a decent view of the bay front with the queen mary.. lighthouse and lots of lights. there was a guy playing music, he did a cover of rihannas "like diamonds in the sky". i liked his choice of sounds and thought  about alex. text him and he responded… i managed to get the guy's name at the bar… bo napoleon. his dad is the entertainment manager at the bar. he plays there on wednesday nights. 

hum.

we walk over the Sgt. peppers dueling piano bar and it's hilarious from the time we walk in. they shine a light on us and say something ridiculous. we decide to sit up front which is a decent choice because they give us free drinks. two guys play requests from the audience while at times make up their own lyrics and banter with the crowd. it was really fun to sing out loud, even though i am terrible at it. i have a lot of work to do. 

do not loose your childlike wonder. i beg of you… even with all the responsibility. even with all the strife.stay true to your imagination and ability to wonder. for it is that moment when you have given up all sense of hope… then He steps in and makes you breathe again. 

one.hundred.nineteen.

i went to sleep thinking that i was going to wake up to give myself more time in morning… but as usual i just laid there and enjoyed the silence. i had a few minutes to write about the day before… then i got up and quickly prepared myself for class. its been a long while since i've looked forward to a yoga class like this. i would say since anne's class, i haven't felt so strongly to go to the same class on a regular basis. 

the ride there was nice, the day is lovely and bright…  a light breeze makes pedaling difficult. i am the only student again, which honestly is how i prefer this class. darren is more comfortable with me this time… it's our third class together and he must see my determination and strength. i like that i can keep up his movement. he asks me what i need… i need a gentle yet challenging stretch, as i have been wild and reckless the past few days. the flow is nice and does push me to my limits… just enough though that i can honestly say that i have met a match that can teach me. the detox of sweat running down all of my body and the electric guitar soundtrack once again puts me in a state of euphoria and you could say that this is my "sex". 

his voice reminds me of elwang, which is a comforting stable sound that i know and trust. he guides me and helps me get into the poses. i am thankful that he helped release my shoulders by pressing them toward the floor during the appropriate poses. the class went by too fast and i felt like i wasn't done enough… but ninety minutes in a heated class is more than enough. i thanked him and we chatted about my weekend in LA. he recommended that if i like whiskey bars, i should check out 7 grand… it has a big stag on the wall right when you walk in. i take his word for it that this will be good… i'll check it out one day. 

i wonder what he really thinks about me? he has made it very clear that he has a girlfriend… and i wear a really thin silver sliver on my ring finger.. just to say that i am indeed "taken". but this yoga practice is such a high power of release and spiritual recognition that you can feel the sexual tension bouncing around the room. that is what i love about yoga… it puts you in a place that we as humans can exceed far beyond that animalistic make.up of our desires… if met with diligence and determination. 

i stoop in and see cameron at my  bicycle and tell him how much i have enjoyed my bike. he fills the front tire with air and we chat a little about how things are going. his store seems to be going well and he is just passing the one year mark. he talks about how he is surfing on a team and working several jobs.. "i think that it is good for you". i guess that means i should eventually get job number five and start to teach yoga… in due time.

i go home an cook myself a good lunch, after of course getting upset that some of my food has gone bad. i can't seem to eat things fast enough, but i don't have time to shop anymore than i already do. i will skip food shopping this week…. i don't have the money. i talk to mom on the phone while i have my lunch which is nice. i managed to be more upbeat and positive this time… as in "not crying" on the phone. 

overall things are picking up. i am ready to see niya but she is caught up at the doctor's office… and then her phone died. i spent some time catching up and and writing … i hear the doorbell. "who could that be". its niya… she looks stressed and since she couldn't call.. she was glad that she remembered the gate number to get in. that worked out well. 

we headed to LA to shop for the store, times are tight this month and there is barely any money in the budget for clothes,but we'll make it work. we hit a lot of traffic and have time to talk. she really does need me in her life right now… and honestly i believe that i need her just as much. we were listening to country music and i sang the entire kenny chesney song about being young and wanting to be older… as we rounded the freeway you could see the sky scrapers of LA.. i never thought i'd sing that song while seeing this view. we laughed about that…

it was a quick trip, we were done in thirty minutes. i saw a few items that i really wanted, but i refrained, as i don't have any money or the ability to get any of these times. they are just dreams.

we head back to long beach, then to 2nd street so she can get a new phone. i get some juice and decide to find gabriel on instagram. i can't help but be curious about his kid. seeing his online portfolio made me excited about how talented he is … but the thing that happened between niya and him is going to slow the entire process down… just a bit. i decided to let him know that he is on my mind and clicked follow and liked a few of his recent photos, just a few…not to seem over zealous. a few minutes later he followed me back.. wonder what he thought of my portfolio? i know that i enjoy it.

i wasn't feeling too well. things have been weird in my stomach and i didn't want to be sweaty or force things to even touch my skin today.. i went home, called ali and then fell asleep. i woke up around one am and took a shower… and had anxiety. i was worried about my skin and my hair… stress does things to your body sometimes. but i am going to keep strong and know that the lord will bless me if i just keep going and stay humble. he likes humble… because it really has nothing to do with me. 

one.hundred.eighteen.

the days are getting to be a drag, which means it's time to mix it up again.

i thought that i was going to be on time for work… then i dropped a glass  bottle on a marble floor and that was the end of that.  the shattering glass sound was piercing and i didn't know that glass could break into that many tiny pieces. there goes being on time..

it took a while to clean up, i kept sweeping and wiping everything down with a wet cloth but the selection of tiny shards of glass i could still see. of course i wasn't wearing any shoes so I'm sure a piece or two is hanging out in my foot. i tried my best to make it seem like the situation never happened, but that seems unrealistic. it is right at the front door too.. and no one in the house really wears shoes.

i can't seem to form any outfits for the day, i decided to wear all black. maybe I'm just mourning the fact that i miss my friends… i don't know. reminds me of hair school… wearing no color. i think harry is also in an all black phase for the summer. i feel a connection with him again today.

my bike ride was difficult, it is really windy. i made it to work right at ten. i spent some time just chatting with london, but its not the same with him right now. i feel a block or sorts, like he has given up with me? or  have i given up with him… I'm not sure. i can't form sentences right now about what i am trying to accomplish because i have lost sight of what i am doing.

i sit on the porch with my feet in the sun and try and write about the day before. i think that days are just so boring that i don't have the urge the recap. just the good details that i wish to remember, but then that defeats the purpose… it is not reality.

i manage to get distracted and write a poem about solitude. i really like it … i used the shattering glass as inspiration for the movement of the words. 

i get a surprise appointment, a mother and daughter who both have very thick curly hair. they both need make overs and i was able to have the mother, alania. she is a beautiful Jamaican woman who just moved here from florida. her hair is a disaster and i truly have my work cut out for me, but i have an idea. what i wanted it to look like and what it actually turned out like… were not that same. but the achievable goal was to make her hair look natural and healthily first… then i can go in and add the accents that i really wanted it to have. she loved her hair and i think even liked the fact that it was significantly shorter. 

the salon was so slow… it is memorial day monday and I'm pretty sure that everyone was outside enjoying time with their families. meanwhile… we are trapped in this building. i don't see this lasting much longer so i am trying to enjoy the time that i have. we close early and my ride home is even more difficult… with the wind. i call mom, she doesn't answer and i fall quickly to sleep. i just wanted to take a nice nap…. as i needed my brain to slow down. i haven't been remembering my dreams at all the past few weeks… the first one goes like this:

the loft is falling apart. london and i are trying to patch back together the walls that are falling down. i tried to run upstairs and get my things but i am too scared to go alone because I'm worried that i will become possesd with ghosts that will haunt me. harry is there somewhere i can't seem to get a hold of him…but he is looking for me. i tried calling, no answer… letters? too slow… then i look out a window and he is on a bus dressed in all black leaving. i have missed the bus… i have missed something. the dream was really stressful and i hope that it was just all of my inward fears working themselves out… but i think that i was somewhere i have dreamed before…. i remember that michelle and i were screaming at the top at our lungs at each other … but its not like we were mad, its like it took that much emotion to convey what we were feeling about our conversation. . wish i could recall what were were yelling.

i woke up and it was too late to call mom back, that gave me great anxiety and i had missed text. shell left me with "miss u". i wonder what sparked her thought of me… i needed to hear that.

everyone is too busy for me now and i am so far away that it's like i don't exist. this is exactly what i thought i wanted … right?

one.hundred.seventeen.

I let myself lay in bed and slowly wake up... laid in bed and did some writing. My favorite in the dark corner room is to just lay in bed and write. I have waited too long to write about the previous day that I have a hard time recalling any important detail. I vaguely remember the day.. As they are not that exciting anymore. Just one repetitive wheel or ... Being at the loft.

It was relaxing to go to work somewhere else other than the loft. Biking at noon on Sunday is nice, I worked up at bit of a sweat because I was trying to be on time. I beat niya to work and spent a few minutes just sitting in the coffee shop observing. I wasn't thrilled with what I saw. Or heard.. I hardly am these days. 

I really did enjoy working at the boutique today. It reminded me of being at Kat's store in duck... The wall color is the same. Niya's place needs much of work and I am sure that we will have a good time together. She worked at the coffee shop while I worked at her store.. We make a good team. 

The sales overall were good... If you engage with the customer and help them decide on a piece of clothing.. It makes a difference whether or not you seem to care. I've learned that.

We both left there around six and I biked home to get ready. I spent some time texting gabriel about getting together for the evening.. But it didn't seem to be working and I wasn't going to force the situation. I may have been too nice or... Whatever over texting... But I'd rather have communication and not play as many games this time. We are getting too old for games and if you don't tell people how you feel then they will never know.

Jordan joined niya and myself for a trip out of town to hermosa beach. I looks the same as all the other Cali beach towns... Only a few details are different. It's crowded and everyone is drunk and chaotic from the days festivities. None of us expected this outcome.. California isn't really what I expected at all. It's so crowded and the attitude isn't as positive or "upbeat". The crowds and traffic make for stress and I'm not that inspired. It's starting to all look the same and I spend too much money. We sit outside of an Irish pub, the breeze is nice and the temperature is great for being outside. We (niya and I) sit beside each other and share chicken tenders and a salad. We both love to eat and really don't care that we were we both just scarfing down our food.  There was a band setting up and I was curious to see how they were going to sound. It was a weird mix of a cover band but they seemed to draw in their own crowd. We sat and had two shots of vodka in order to be able to cope with the drunk scenery. The covers were good and I could relate to the sound they were trying to create. They had a few creative versions of a few main stream songs... I like originals. 

Deciding to stand and maybe walk around to check out new scenery... The strip was weird how you could just go to all of these different types of bars... Noisy loud ones with terrible music had long lines and just seemed too ridiculous to venture into.  I found a spot that caught my eyes.. It was a dark space that had lovely rounded leather couches in the back. The waiter was tall and handsome and had a personality. He was clever and recommended that we try a spicy jalapeño and cucumber margaritas... It was perfect. I like the kick and the fact that it wasn't that sweet. I'm enjoying drinking drinks that are well thought out.. They table glowed black and white patterns that caught my interest and I took a photo with my jalapeño and mango tequila drink... Of course for Instagram. I browse through Gabriel's portfolio and notice that he is an even more intriguing guy than I thought. His vision is good and I am inspired with some of his... Art. This means a great deal to me... I didn't pay attention to jordan and niya for just a few bits of the night, I was busy dreaming about "what could be". 

It's time to go and niya needed a minute of fresh air before we headed home to long beach. The ocean front was just across the street.. Here I sit in the sand and stare at the full moon. It was calming to hear the waves that crash around.. I long to see the Atlantic soon. The pacific just doesn't feel the same. I become tired once I sat still and started to dose off.. Them two were still full of energy called "love" for each other while I had reached my maximum for awake time for the day. I fell asleep for the ride home... Like a kid in the backseat. 

one.hundred.sixteen.

i woke up to niya yelling. "its (9:45!) well this was a problem for the morning, considering we were in LA and i needed to be at work in  Long Beach. 

 i think i laughed the whole way. i was still too drunk to comprehend how this day was about to go… i put my shoes on and we managed to make it back before 10:30

then apparently the night went as followed…. i kissed gabriel.

then niya slept with him

it was supposed to be me.

but the crazy moment was when i don't remember anything. 

usually on "these" nights i can usually recall something…

a feeling. a moment…

but i go nothing. 

its as if nothing really happened at all.

but this kid started to get under my skin.

i didn't get to brush my teeth or wash my face… i was wearing the same outfit from the night before. i know i looked a little off….i indeed needed something to eat. jacks bacon egg and cheese biscuit was a good choice. i pulled together two chairs on the back deck and slept for awhile. it was all i could do…. was to sleep.

i woke up hot and unconomfrtalbe. the sun had moved and i managed to get a sun tan line that stayed on my stomach. 

i tried to sleep some more but i was over it. claudia just happened to have some watermelon, and i walked over to niya's to see her.

she is upset and panicking about the night before…. but i am thankful. in more ways than one. i am thankful that it wasn't me. i needed it not to be me… 

i needed the innocnence to last as long as possible. I'm even thankful that i don't remember kissing him. the mystery of my "lost kiss" drives me wild.

i went back to the salon for a late afternoon color. i wasn't sure at first what i was getting myself into… but jocelyn turned out to be such a blessing of a clinet. she wanted a complete change of style… a ombre and side shaved variation of a style .i used the inspiration of a deep sun set to create the movement and flow… from red to a lovely blonde, i think i did a good job on her hair. 

she works for a zen spa and i am interested in this "concept" becoming involved in this "movement" might be good for me,but as i said to her… i don't want to open doors that i can't shut.

it is a interesting thing to know more than you are supposed to.

do i really even know something?

I'm a bit dramatic.

the day continues and we both get off work… she gives me a ride home and we discuss more of the night passed… he wants me to have his number… but instead i make her give him mine… because i don't want to make the first move. 

we text for some time and establish that neither of us remember our very first kiss. how did it happen? i wish i could recall just the tiniest of detail. did i get really close to his face first… what did he taste like? all these i want to know.. i do not like it at all when i don't remember my own shenanigans.

the house party at my place was nice.. lots of boys together to play cards.

i enjoy seeing rex and talking with him. he is such a character and i start to use my advantages to his interest and we talk all night. sitting on the back porch and watching the moon be bright and still. i just don't know what to do…

but the card game we played for "horrible people" was comical. i was thankful that ali came over to see him and break up the crowd of men.

strange things… i enjoyed sitting in a circle surrounded by men/

i actually loved that feeling and hope that i am able to feel it again…

i went to bed and slept well… i was tired. 

one.hundred.fifteen.

friday morning and i am able to get up and make it to work on time. 

the day is sunny… and so quiet. 

I'm waiting too late to write about it. i guess you could say that i am losing that spark that gets you through.. losing "hope" just a tad.

i spent some time hanging out with niya at the store and learned how to ring up the clothes. we had a coffee drink and back to work. i had a client, but i don't remember who… or what. it doesn't really matter. i got out of there before the sun went down and came home to lay in bed for a moment and write. i have a lot of catching up to do in the writing department. 

choosing my outfit was difficult, normally i know exactly what to wear… but the evening was kinda "up in the air" … i put on my parrot pants and black leotard… but the outfit was too tight and i was over it anyway because i had already worn it months ago to a coat hangers concert in D.C. so i decided to go with the short little mini blue sweater.  i had to ask oliver and andrew and it was funny because andrew came into my room to help me get dressed " you need something looser up top".. this is what i decided on and then niya was here. she was having a hard time as well deciding what to wear and i wish that i had been with her to help her decide. she is having a hard time and is emotional and upset.. both of us are having social anxiety and here we are… going to downtown LA.

it's a nice ride, not too much traffic. the moon is full and bright… we get to gabe's house and i see the palm trees lining the street through the refection of the moon. i haven't really seen a sight like this before and and houses are adorable, little cottages all with different colors and styles. it takes us a moment to find the house….

when i first saw gabriel i had mixed emotions. he first reminded me of alex…. the way his hair was tilted over the side. the look in his eyes was familiar but mysterious. he was wearing an amazing outfit and all of it complimented the strange sense of style that he had captured perfectly. 

the house was adorable, he owns it with his sister. the place is slightly a mess… it's because his sister has a kid, niya and i are like children and decided to play on the floor for a minute and in the "circus" tent that has just enough room for us inside. 

we explore around for just a minute … take shots of tequila and then the cab has arrived. 

into LA we go.

the first place is beautiful and i think i manifested it in my mind. it was so beautiful… the bar was made of thick engraved stone… the music was good, atmosphere was lovely… i had a stunning whiskey drink made of woodford reserve, maple syrup, lemon and orange bitters… i like the square ice cub.

chirsitna knew the owner and had dersert delivered to us… she is an adorable little petit girl wearing glitter sorts and ridiculous silver heels. 

our next stop is a roof top bar just a little ways down the street. i believe they had a dress code and i did not meet it. the girl at the door was funny… "funky girl" she called me… i think that was an insult.

the bar was perfect for the view of the city and the moon. i stood on the edge and looked over. i guess you could say that I'm a bit obvious. christina said she loved my pants and asked where she could get them… "what brand are they"? insight… and i doubt you can find them anywhere. it's just one of those things… we took shots after a few more whiskey drinks… then back to the house.

gabriel showed us his garage studio and we began to talk about his art work. this is where things start to leave me … of cousre i decided to have some more tequila… you can't just leave the bottle in front of me… what i really needed was a glass of water. but i remember the details well but nothing at all. 

i remember talking about photography and an art project he was working on. the talking went on for awhile and it escalated to me telling him about my breast reduction…. and lingere i think we agreed to work together at some point… the last thing i see in my memory is looking at him from across the table right into his eyes…. and his eyebrow raised up. i guess it was a look…… I've seen this "look" before.