Things are going too fast that I'm having trouble keeping track... and it's oh so easy to get out of good habits. To the point where you can't even remember where you began and how to get there again.
New perspective.
Being so poor and spending all of you tips from the longest day ever to go have dinner with your best friend and her husband at the sky room in downtown Long Beach.. should've been a double date I suppose. I'm just not interested enough in the two of them. I feel some sort of disconnection. But the bar is a step back in time. Built in 1939 it was the original Hilton. The restaurant is frequented by royalty. American sorts anyway.. The swing band started right when we got there and I pondered their careers as musicians. Perhaps this is why I can't function in society right now... I'm not involved enough in the arts. I'm sure they also get burned out and can't seem to want to come to work... Or play the trumpet for three hours tonight... Or do they feel that way? Or is the passion to make music so strong that it empowers you? Older couples began to make their way onto the dance floor... Trotting around in a choreographed show of intimate sorts... Our drinks are good and made by a bar "keep" with circus like style. His mustache curled up on the corners and our drinks were really well thought out.
I want to dance. I want a dance partner. A life partner to smile with. I can't always be miserable. I am happy alone... but to sit back and be done ... There's a difference though, they danced together like this when they were young. When times were hard, the boys came back from war and danced with their wives. I'm sure many sailors, military men of all sorts reunited with their girls... And danced the night away to a live band, becuase this was long before 'djs'. It was all a classy show... Behind the scenes I'm sure the same scandal... As the energy of high talent always sparks a feeling of excitement and relentlessness. I suppose that was part of the problem... It causes too much amazement. Too much of a show... Too much of a mess. But when it comes down to it... It's exactly what we need, want and deserve. To stir up alittle trouble. The generation of rebellion and cause and effect. We are poor. I haven't felt more poor ever... I'm letting it get in the way of my well being, and that is sad. It's sad that our government can control our emotions with the evil power of energy: currency.
So I declare myself mad from this day on. That sense of anger that sarah was talking about the night before, there is an anger... There is even interior rage against what has become of my life. But I thought it was going to be easy. It is not.
It was refreshing to have a steady busy Saturday at the loft.. But with a full book comes chaos and drama with the girls. Overall it was good, I met two new people and had two repeats. Some times it's hard for with me with the repeats because I have no idea what I talked about the previous appointment and I have to be careful what I say. Deep down I am still just a "groupie".
I can't concentrate anymore on anything and I suppose I should try and center that.. Else I'm never going to be able to make a 'living'. One of my clients said that I was too keep going, because the universe needs me. I need the universe to keep my paths clear and somewhat visible so I can fight through the jungle to stay on two separate paths.
I know I have lost everyone at this point. I realize that it is only me, alone.
I understand this now and I can begin to except it.. I can begin to rebuild myself to a fullfilled state of being.
But I have to start at square one again, sitting down everyday to try and capture the details in the day. The good lessons are in the simple details. The ones that I have failed to record, failed to mention.
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