one.hundred.twenty.two.

1, 2 skip a few… 7, 8, you are late

and i quickly begin to forget the details. 

i woke up in a haze naked in my bed. everything was a mess and i had managed to cover my walls and carpet with paint. a few hand pritns on the walls… but my "finished project" was so far from finished. hm

(days later I'm getting nothing. i can't seem to sit still long enough to write about it. i can't remember the details, i don't seem to care to recall them? why is this? is it because i have made "it" into this thing i think of as "work". but this is where i have become naive and i am ignoring the signs. finish one project at a time? i don't' think so. i need to pay attention. often i catch myself answering my own questions.)

focus.

i did it for the unpredictability of what could happen if i just didn't remember something. to leave my body though takes a toll on me. i didn't remember falling asleep, or crawling around spreading paint and pouring water on everything. i left myself a mess of acrylic and spilled mediums. the brushes were tossed. its all really nonsense and i talked about it too much. i don't need the attention. but i also need people to understand that you shouldn't take me lightly. i have a force to be reckoned with. as the cliche goes, its all just a bunch of "bs". 

Friday was really well, it feels nice to be wanted. I liked spending time with niya at her store before she left town. The bacon egg cheese and avocado croissant was delicious and  helped with my hang over feeling that I gave myself.. Via just raw whiskey. Oh just to think about it makes my stomach turn. London had to come fetch me so I could do an appointment.. Literally the three minutes I don't stare at my phone... I miss something. 

She was a lovely woman, on the inside. Much of life had taken from her and she had a swell of negative energy connected to her grandson. I felt empathetic towards her and enjoyed being able to talk with her and help her while in my chair. Some people connect with me instantly and I can see the interest immediately. I like to look into people's eyes.  

It's the times that can't be filmed or captured. Ten minutes you can't explain... Sitting on the floor that evening with sarah and discussing life lessons and figurations together over dinner, beers and a tiny joint. We get alittle silly and I dance around to harry's songs. The record opens up a different sound for him, I think and raw feeling of ... This is what I am trying to explain. Listening to the vinyl on the floor of an old apartment, the floors alone have seen more than we'll know. We are the first ever to hear his record on the west coast... The city of Long Beach California. I start to dream of my next six months. The last have been a roller coaster of emotions. Pulling me from coast to coast... All the music, missing harry... Needing friendship and learning that what I had was what I wanted all along.