this morning was ... loud. i was woken by the sounds of jack hammers and tile cutting. once again construtcion starts at eight am. it is becoming easy to tune out the nonsense... im getting used to the loud and busy city. it is cloudy most of the morning and i lay in bed just napping until the last minute. i can't quite recall my dreams.. but im pretty sure the last night was the one where i saw the painting that i just created the other night. i was standing with ali and i could see it just off of her stairway. i tried to take a picture of it but i wasn't fast enough before the vibrant orange faded away, just like a sunset.
you could sense that the clouds stirring around felt like chaos.
i think harry was there as always. i woke up and checked facebook to see that he had made some new songs. tupper had just posted them on soundcloud hours ago... like 5am east coast time. i was so thankful to be the first listen. i played them a few times and dosed in and out of sleep.
the ride to yoga was quick, i feel light and agile as i go on my way to "become a ninja".
that is how darren makes me feel. he is excited to see me and i almost feel upset that there is someone else in class, but come to find out he is just lingering from the class before. it is only darren and i and he voices to me that he was excited when he got the email that i was coming to class. something about this guy. i feel like he knows something that i don't. just like elwang. his lisp doesnt seem as strong this morning... either that or im getting used to his voice. he leads me through a slower version that focuses more on the slow and steady movements of the body, becoming aware of the flow and energy within. i am able to get through the poses with ease as he guides me along. i like all the interaction i have with him. the personal time is nice and he stands close and doesnt have very many personal boundaries, so he has me push up against him or twist and holds my feet down during cobra. each stretch i am given a extra push between my shoulders and at the end of class he presses behind my ears and stretches my neck. all of this means the world to me right now. he is the only one who touches me other than myself... and an occasional hug from my roommates. it means... that i am only doing good for myself. these "touches" are teaching me strengh and personal well being.
i come home to get a few things done... the sun begins to come out and i cook myself eggs and salsa. i have a great view to work from, a few emails to look over and i need to transfer some money around. i apply for another discover card but the application is declined, im assuming because i already have money with them... then onto more research. i ended up getting some credit with bank of america but i didnt click well with the girl on the phone. she seemed.... disconnected and i wasnt given much. then i couldn't find an address, the whole thing was a mess and i was unprepared in the long run. i got upset and yelled, it suprised me how upset i was... but it didn't solve a thing. so now i have to just wait and be patient until i can transfer the money.
i dont like digging into my money problems. it stresses me out and there is absolutely nothing i can do about it but just keep waiting, working and trying not to spend. its not that deep. i can get myself out of it in a year and then be free and working enough to support the lifestyle that i know i will achieve.
watching npr music tiny desk concerts is the best. i watched a cool ok go one where they moved the office to a downtown spot near the us capitol. it is all new and white and shiny, which is cool... and seems like a really neat place to live. im excited to know that it is so close to home... and i want the hound dogs on there.... or the critters. i can see this happening by the summer of next year. i have so much work to do…
this is all going to be a teamwork thing, but i believe so strongly in them succeeding that i am willing to be the first crazy one to get everyone together.
you have to believe in something that seems so utterly impossible… to make it a reality.
you have to believe every single day.
my time with ali at the market today was kinda depressing. i was a bit of a drag because of my money… which always seems to be the issue with me. i try not to bring her down with it, but its a major stress in my life. we walk to the park and almost get hit by a car, andrew sees and stops to give us hugs. i stock up on avocados and fruit, honey granola and cake balls. we have our empanda snack and sit off to the side to see the music. different guys are up there today, playing a keyboard. they sing covers of elton john… we talk about how her marriage is tough and that maybe he is crazy… he would be perfect to be with if it were to come down to survival of the fittest, but in reality, he doesn't treat her how he should. i don't think he has a clue about how to treat a woman. and this beautiful creature that he "tricked" into marrying him.. well she deserves so much more. i actually am upset about the whole thing, i thought about how selfish he was and stirred myself all up. its just not fair what women have to go through.
its all too much and we have to change the subject because i can tell she is getting upset. its just me though… i probably don't help the situation but its all i can do just listen and be there for her.
we decide after eating cake that we will go to hot yoga at eight. i think that it is a good idea to do it again because if i want to get in the habit of teaching, I'm going to have to get used to more than one class a day. i do have a desire to teach. i have a desire to help others undertand and be well.
the room is hotter than earlier today… it is also very crowded with sweaty people. siri's voice is calming though, enough to where i can handle this situation because of her tone. she is another one that i admire.. i wonder about her story.
each of us is covered in a moving shiny layer of water on our skin. with each movement it becomes hard to have a grip… i am sliding around. at certain moments it becomes euphoric and i feel like maybe i have pushed too hard, but my body keeps moving. i have to focus on the goal… the things that i see while pushing myself to the limit… music. i see harry and i's first encounter. the smile that i can't help but give… we've had a few seconds in time. together already. i let ali listen to his two knew songs, she likes them. he has a good sound. he has a lot of good things… but what does it mean to others? does it matter? is it unique enough for people to remember? yes, i believe so.
we make a quick trip to whole foods so i can get yogurt, enough to last me until i have to leave for home… twenty days. i don't have money and I'm struggling, but i was excited to get quite a lot for under forty dollars. I'm freezing cold in my soaking wet clothes.
i go home to unpack my things… and see the i have a text from gabriel. what he says is amazing. he wants me there just to hang out with him while he works in his studio.. just to have me hang out. wow. that was simple and beautiful. I'm not going to lie… i tried to use my brain power today to see if he would text, and i was so thankful he did. he gives me butterflies and i text him back…. but i don't think he got it.
i take a shower and rinse off all the toxins that were releaseed onto my skin… starting fresh and clean. i have to give up everything that i have.
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