How about this blurry dream. Things weren't going as planned... Harry was there, being himself. Running around in my dreams, most likely because I heard the original version of "hold on me" at the sky room last night. It made me long for him... For some one to sing to me. The talent of a young troubled soul. The jest of the dream is as follows.. Harry doesn't want me, he knows he can't have me... He doesn't have time for me. I am just another chick that he will discard of so he can move on.
I intend to wake up early and get writing done... But I'm in a deep sleep. Another night with the lights on... It can't be good for my health to keep sleeping this way. I woke up after turning off my phone and saw that gabriel had texted me late in night, around 2am, funny how I slept through that. I would've responded so I guess that it's good I was sleeping with my laptop.
I liked that he thought about me so late.. I'm sure he had been drinking.
But who's to say?
I got ready and biked to the store, a gloomy quiet Sunday afternoon. The ride was nice and the calmness of the store seems comforting to me now.
I swept up and ate my food... A few customers came in. I enjoyed all of them today and I managed to help a woman find a few things. She was a character and there was something different about her.. Selene. She has six children... Interesting, I've always wondered what that would be like. Her hair color was nice and towards the end I was able to look her in the eye. She said to me.. " I tend to like children more than adults.." And "you seem like a nice person". The day goes on and I hear from will which is always a boost of confidence. He fills me in on his ever exciting life and then tells me I made the behind the scenes trailer on you tube for Andrew McMahon, he's kinda a big deal it seems and I am so thankful to have been a part of that project. He is touring the country right now and funny that he'll be in asheville at the orange peel while I am home ... Wouldn't it be cool to see him!? But hopefully I'll be running around with the hound dogs. Shell calls to let me hear harry play music and it's funny because I know that immediately it is him. She proceeds to upset me and begs me to come home... And sends videos of him playing. He is so amazing and talented that I don't know what to do and almost cry but the fact that I'm making my career in california makes me feel almost ok. I'm texting gabriel and this eases the tension... I have to chase just alittle. All handsome boys like that, but I'm not getting over zealous. He is just a dream or a buffer to keep me sane while living in LA. I could really use a guy like him... To go see shows with. The collaborate with.. Make art and make a mess. We'll see...
later…
the evening ended up being very quiet. i had time to catch up on laundry and cleaning, i even have time to watch a sermon. i seem to be distracted and i can't focus on what i am trying to do… but i learn just a few things about god's view for relationships… the gender roles. i know that a relationship is what brings us closer to god… but i have to be with just him first.
gabriel texts me through out the night… along with shell. she must be drunk to be this "emotional"… but for once i felt a bit upset that she was being like that and i became content with being here. is that strange? so ridiculous. but as much as i miss all of them and the absolute beauty of my life at home, i have this urge to keep pushing onward out here.
i watch a funny puppet show with ian and daniel, laying on the floor like a child… i'm still just a child. i have a few realizations today… you'll always be missing something, but if you are content with what you have around you… then you just have to be thankful that you are alive.
who's to say where i am supposed to be.. but all i know is that i would like to hang out and have a boyfriend soon. one that aids in my creativity and mental awareness.
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