one.hundred.thirty.four.

 take my time waking up and I spent some of the morning writing. Trying to stay on track. The music is good and I like alot of songs..  I have discovered the band alpine and the soundtrack is wonderful on spotify. I send a few songs to my usual suspects Jaclyn, shell and beck. Niya text me that we are going shopping later, so I get up and get ready. I try and drink enough water and eat.. I dress in the orange flowered pants that niya gave me, and my string insight tank.. I wore nikes while shopping. She picked me up and off we go.. It was funny I met her on the corner and she yelled "hey girl". Traffic wasn't too bad on the way there. We listened to our usual country music and talked about boys and life. Our shopping experience was relaxed, we went through an unusual pattern with our shopping... Picked out a polka dot dress and a few casual tanks. We drank coffee and walked around dreaming about clothes and where we could wear them to.. Oh the events that I dream of.

I have decided that I do not live in the present, but indeed I live in an alter reality that i have created in my mind. I don't see the point in living in present day because that moment ends before you can give it another thought. 

We get stuff in traffic on our way back... Trying to drink a lot of water...an hour later we have to run into the store to pee. Wine down Wednesday begins and I get a few text from sarah and Ali. We price and unpack inventory.. Taking time to hang everything up. Sarah brings us a salad and we share while drinking. A beautiful girl comes in to shop for an engagement party dress. We help her find a few things... She has a beautiful figure and the maxi dresses fit her well. Come to find out she is a waitress at Mai Thai that restaurant we were planning on visiting later. She laughed about it and told us that we can get a round of drinks on her. We hang out and collect a few more girls for the night adventure. The crowd grows... But no more sales for the evening. It has been quiet the last few days. 

We all piled in cars and headed downtown, niya went to get Ali and I rode with Tamara and sarah. The patio at Mai Thai  is nice and we are just in time for music. We sit in a circle and order drinks and snacks. I am already drunk and remember drinking fast to feel more. The chicken and pizza were a good choice of snack. I sit by niya and we talk about the boy at the bar, she had forgotten about this one.. Funny how just seeing each other brings it all back together. I see them texting .. And I begin to ramble on with my drunk absurdity. I know I talk about harry... Whenever she brings him up, I get a glow and can't stop smiling. Some times I squeal like a kid which is over reacting, but I like being dramatic. 

It's much more interesting. I remember niya telling me again how gabriel was so attracted to me... I remember talking about my scars (again) and how they would make a cool art project. But she has a point.. She told me that he will not be it for me... Harry makes me too happy. But the thing is, harry is not for me. I am beginning to come to terms with this now. I take a risk and text gabriel.. Something silly like he is on my mind. I want to put it out there, boys like things like that right? The shy type... I'm a girl of another breed. I know this... I'll let down my guard for him, tonight anyway. He text me back, I dont remember the time line, I just know that I was so excited. It was time to leave before we got sloppy, plus the music was over. Tamara dropped sarah and I off at my place, we laughed and I'm sure were too loud for our entrance. We danced around in my room for hours... It started with Harry's new songs. They always get me going.. I put on my fur and vintage ray bans and danced like a crazy lady. Sarah danced and wished she had her camera.. As we laughed and she pretended to take pictures. "I can see this!! That angle is great!!" It was entertaining and maybe one day I will dance around for her camera. Some film perhaps.. It would be a fun shoot. 

I figured out that I am indeed ridiculous when I drink. The poison gets to me.. And I become some many different characters. Where do they come from? I was the life of our two person party. I like that she gets me.. I like that she is amazed with my movement, and she is not shy to chime in. She sees that thrill in the joy of happiness. I suppose enough love counts for it all. She wants me to have 'this' love that I so passionately parade around. Is it all pretend? Yes, I believe so.. But as a character in my made up world.. I ask and even require others to dance on my level. 

I continue  to dance and share with her bands... The x ambassadors I can't contain my excitement. She comments.. "This is post apocalyptic music..." Why do I appearing in this image... The end of the world trend. I wouldn't mind if it did end... I've done my living. I have been here for a long time, it only makes sense that I have been traveling through decades.. Even generations of souls. I could die tonight and be content. But I suppose my work is not done yet, I keep coming back for more. This parallel of earth leaves me asking many questions of why this is this... Or that. But indeed it doesn't matter... Cat power takes us down a notch and we both lay on the floor and stare at the popcorn ceiling. In the hotel room of many years... The souls and stories these walls have seen. I hope this moment becomes something down the line. You won't know the power of your past actions until many days down the road. Each one is insignificant until it becomes 'the' movement that I wish to see. 

Shall I compare myself to the great gatsby? Is this life that vain? I am.. And will be a timeless figure of hope and happiness. But my life will embody the pure depression and stress of the sorrow we each feel. That is the balance. In order to feel such joy... We must know the darkest shadow that we all stand in.

I told sarah that as a child I had a crush on scar from the "lion king". She had a funny look on her face and said, I've never heard anyone say that before, you are so different, and I suppose you like bad guys... I liked scar so much, he was so skinny and sly... Reminds me of a certain some one that I'm about to play with. I hope he dances the tango. 

one.hundred.thirty.three.

this day. is one that i lost forever in the dream land of not… remembering. 

i woke up early and laid around..listening to music and getting distracted in my head. my side hurts and i debate not going to yoga…but this is my favorite class. the class that pushes me to the hardest of my challenges to be "perfect". i check the online schedule and its cancelled, i feel relief that i didn't have to skip the class…there just wasn't one. so then i could lay down and write about my day. then i fell asleep again… and slept most of the day. i did wake up a few times and try and write, check instagram… look up bands. i needed to be watching podcast or something. but no, i just slept… got up to eat and daniel said i looked dehydrated, and that is why i couldn't do much, that is why i slept all day. i can believe that, i do need to be drinking so much more water. 

i ate some leftovers quickly and got ready to go to yoga… i was able to get just a bit of writing done just before it was time to leave. i thought that i would meet her out front at five and wait, but usually when i am early or on time… it never works out. i waited for while and went and stood on the stairs at the end of the street…. i don't get out enough. today was a beautiful day and i just slept… all day. cancelled everything, from being outside. i do that a lot, the comfort of my dark room. we were too late for yoga in naples, which was fine. i didn't want to be in a car anyway. we changed our plans and parked the car. yoga was at the park at six and we had plenty of time to go. we even had time to walk to the market and get a few groceries. i was excited about this…and cakeballs! then we walked over to the bluff and set up between a rock and a tree, just the two of us. the grass was a vibrant green and the shade and sun was perfect. the experience reminded me of being a child at the end of summer afternoons. we grew up in such a magical place in the woods… the teacher was a young guy by the name of drew. ali says to me immedielaty "i think he is hot". oh man.. i couldn't look. his words were nice and all the movements flowed well. i like it when things flow well… each movement he took time to explain and gave some good advice along the way. he reminded me of ashton. his look mainly, and then a bit of the primal mentaltitly.  i enjoyed the journey with him. i needed to stretch and work some things out. i have been tense, i will be tense for awhile in caliofrnia. i just need someone to touch me… soon.

we stay after and sit on our mats eating cake and cookies that we bought from the market. it was fun , the weather is absolutely perfect and i want to have our picnic forever. we sit and laugh and catch up with each other. she is having a hard time in her marriage and i can see how it would be hard… ian is being selfish and its making her do the same…this relatiosihop will go no where if it continues like this. we decided to walk to paradise to have dinner. its a short walk and the sunset is really bright and vibrant. i like looking at this… we have some drinks, tacos and split a turkey burger. the night is really wonderful. we have had really good service every time at this restaurant. and it nice that they split the meals for us. we sat for awhile having another margarita, we just like to drink sometimes. we walked to rite aid to get a few things (detergent and alcohol) and our walk home was good. the weather is much nicer now… almost eighty during the day and sixty at night, pretty amazing. we hug and walk our separate ways. i decide to wash sheets and take a shower. just a shot of brandy and i get…. clean. i wash my ridiculous amount hair, not with out staring at myself in the mirror, dirty hair is always the best hair. i just want to take a few pictures of it. one day. i take a shower and fall asleep yet again with all the lights on… the music is so good, i wake up dreaming about turning down the volume. its was kinda comical. 

one.hundred.thirty.two.

i keep putting things off because i suppose time is moving faster now that there is a lot to do. i keep trying to write but instead i start thinking and before you know it…I'm staring off into space, just thinking about all i have do…what i have to do… and then where that will get me (see, i did it again. the songs over and over and over again. i dance around, I'm so excited. I'm so ready for all of this. its going to be a lot of fun. my new life as a business meeting. all in the name of fashion.art.music) i just have so much to do and learn.

monday monday is the new friday. i like ending my week this way, I'm always busy on monday. its good, i've been booked. i had a client first things, matt. he was a character that i wasn't sure of at first. sometimes people do not look like how they appear, he reminded me of clay mchpherson. this was a compliment in a way.. he had grown out hair from traumatized experiences around long beach. seems the only style for a guy is the really tight shaved look. i don't even know how to do that style. we hit it off after he joked that he was the music editor for the great gatsby… after i had just finished ranting about how the music needed to be better… different, original. funny… i laughed.. and we had good conversation. I'm not sure if he liked his style… but we'll know if he decides to come back. i think i will do well with men, forever as my clients. he is from chicago, i like his old world manner.

i was able to sit outside in the morning and write, which was really good to catch up. the sun is warm and feels good on my feet. trish lets me know that i got a walk in color. i was excited about this… and was glad i still had time to eat and get situated. she was a nice girl, but she looked much older than she actually was. i guess that is from being outside? or stressed. she is a nurse at the local hospital, but you can tell that she wanted more. her color turned out nice, not exactly what i was going for… but I'm getting there. it will take more time to perfect my color skills, but here i am again working at a salon that is out of colors that i need. frustrating.

i talked about music some to her, just a little bit. i find that talking about myself is the only thing i know… so its how the conversation turns. so that is how it naturally is i suppose. 

i have time after to take a nap on the porch, it is sunny and i let it hit my back for an hour. london came outside and hugged me. I'm not sure why, he did it quickly and i was half asleep… then summer came out to let me know that my afternoon appointment was there. i like him, he is a good guy. we connected last time with asheville and the critters. i like his personality, and he has a cool job where he designs lighting for building, salons etc. cost effective lighting options. he told me about this concept salon in san francisco where each salon has its own glass cubicle where you rented out sections. seems like a really cool idea if i could find a place like that near here, possibly in downtown LA? its a thought. this sparks the thought that maybe i should be in the city more, the out skirts are comfortable to me now… funny how that happens. but it is only comfortable because of my situation. in a few months the time will… change.

my last appointment is a new client who is friends with summer. i like his enthusiasm. he is going to school in indiana, excited kid. i shared some stories with him about my travels across the country, about how much i learned…experienced. 

i met him out in the patio area behind the bar. i really like this spot, its quiet and the weather is pretty so.. its always nice to just sit outside. i had some soup that i was disappointed in. it had too much salt and now that i am not eating much salt, it was hard to adjust to.

jeremy had a nice fitting red shirt and dressed in a way that was very european. he had a leather bag that i liked seeing the raw made… 

he was different than i remembered from the first time, but either way i still liked him. i was thankful that i arrived first and could meet him this way. i think our conversation was intense from the first moment. i wish i could remember all of it, but i told him almost immediately… that i wanted to change the music industry. i like to set my goals high that way if i don't reach them… its seems they were too ridiculous anyway. that makes me feel better. we talk a lot about music, he shows me a video of grizzly bear take away show in a small bathroom, i laugh about these in my thoughts, reminds me of alex and our endless days of watching video after video… the afternoons would quickly disappear. soon we begin to talk about the journal, decide the color…size and feel of the book. i decided to let him design harry a journal too… one that is black and white, like a crazy dr. seuss…. "its not easy with rockstars" he says towards the end of the night, we laugh. i show him a video of the boys… harry is dressed insane, which will make him remember it. i really enjoyed jeremys company, like truly i did. he could become a mentor of sorts. 

he is older than i last remembered, but its funny here in california… everyone looks different every time you see them. thats how time passes. he has a scar that i noticed this time, on his right side just below his ear. i thought to ask him about it,but that is for another time. i ask him about his career, which seems interesting. he is a part of the freedom writers organization that gets education to teachers that help at risk children. there was a movie made about his friend that he works for, maybe her name is emily? the freedom writers diary is also something that came from the process. he was a teacher for awhile and has lived all over the midwest and france. he does the grant writing process for the teachers education, but he was excited about his place just around the corner. now he has a studio to work on his leather…its not a quiet hobby. i like his humor, it was witty, funny and quiet. he mentioned that he was in a band for awhile, with a girlfriend of his… he has stories. 

now i have a customized leather book for my thoughts. this book will coincide nicely with my upcoming year. that will no doubt be a mess of more blood and tears for the fight of LA will continue. more on all of this later…

one.hundred.thirty.one.

Why am I feeling so distracted and disoriented when it comes to my writing. Consistency is what I am lacking. But this is how I survive. So I must adapt. I decide to just lay in bed and sleep for the morning, I didn't have to be at work until noon. The first sight I get.. Blood everywhere, all on one of my favorites sets... The corset I haven't had a chance to wear yet.

Niya called to tell me about her car situation and we talk awhile. She is really having a hard time and she has no one but herself. 

I got ready quickly and biked to the store. I spent time opening up and changing.. Taking my time to settle in. I decided to dress up and wear heels and the Aztec red maxi that we bought for the store. My hair is tired up in a bun, and I feel... Pretty. Niya greets me and we talk, she is working next door today.. I feel the need to move and organize today and her back room has been making me crazy. It is all just thrown in there, unorganized and trashed. It comes down to not enough caring.. Too busy to take the time to clean. I start in one corner and before the day ended... Everything was clean and orderly. There has to be a sense of togetherness if anything is going to be accomplished. I want to be able to store things and even escape back there. It took several hours and throwing away, sweeping and moving things around... In a dress and heels. I do my best cleaning in this attire. 

Niya surprised me with a coffee drink in a tiny whit cup. She started to describe it and before she should finish I already remembered. The Turkish style way of serving coffee.. Espresso with a spoon full of ice cream. I took a sip and started to cry... It tastes just as good as I remembered. The mornings when Artem would make me this to wake me up, we would sit on the couch and get high and he would smoke parliaments and tell me stories. I could see his demeanor... He smile all at once. It brought a wash of feelings and the tears came up for just a moment. Niya hugged me... Crying is the new trend.

It was a good day, the time carried on at a good speed and I felt accomplished. We didn't sell much inventory, but the quiet allowed me to work.. Now we are more prepared to get things moving. 

I tried writing for the last hour but I could not concentrate. The afternoon was still bright for the ride home. I am still stuck on repeat with the x ambassadors that I can't seem to move on because no one else sounds like them... Their music gives me a certain feeling. I want to just keep dancing and being really stoked. The music gets me high and I can see listening to it for the next few weeks... Summer 2013. I read a journal entry late night in summer 2011 and I felt the need to share with niya. It was brilliant of me really... At only 23 to come up within myself those ideas. She laughed and I could tell she wants to read more.. I'm considering letting her read the whole thing, but I am so protective over the books... Maybe not right now. I'm not ready to give them up yet. The advice from a younger me is too good. 

I get home and snack , think about sushi with ian and daniel, but I'm glad I declined because Ali wanted to see the great gatsby. I like our last minute life and we hurry to make it on time. We actually moved at a good pace.. Waited in line, got popcorn.. And walked into the movie literally as soon as it started. Our timing was perfect. We both couldn't contain our laughter.. As if we ever can. It was too ridiculous. The movie kept my attention well. I enjoyed all the imagination and the costumes.. The story. Seeing Leonardo Di Caprio on the big screen... He has aged well. I was overall impressed with most of it, the music though.. They could've taken that movie to an entirely different level.. But the music was right. It wasn't timeless enough.. I'm just thankful that the xx was involved in the project. The entire movie made me think of harry and how symbolic all of it is... He isn't going to ever want me, I'm too over the top for him, instead an artist longs for what they used to have.. Hence why they feel the need to Always recreate it...

We got lost on our way home which was so funny because it was completely confusing.. California feels this way to me a lot... Just a bunch of highways and choices that lead you in circles. 

I think that I'm going to write or get something accomplished.. But I can't stop thinking. I'm so stuck in my head with ideas and excitement that I can't record or create the present tense. I have it exactly right, I just can't talk about it.

one.hundred.thirty.

it is a wonder where to begin this day. i decided to skip sleep, it takes up too much time… the porch by the bay. one of the biggest cities in the world… and I'm sitting on a balcony with the orange lights from the ports.. the queen mary staring back at me. 

gabriel. 

is he a man?

i wouldn't believe that it was real if i hadn't been there myself. i think i should keep my mouth shut awhile… but i spilled a lot of the… thoughts from childhood. i told him things i hadn't thought about in a while. 

i liked my outfit, i had to dress up in a way in order to intrigue me… give me energy. i was wearing the geometric black and white leggings i bought with AAron a while back, in feburary. and a big oversized sweater, my stella & dot arrow necklace. sneaker heels. we had a meeting first thing and i was completely exhausted. i couldn't even really focus and regretted not sleeping… but gabriel kept running through my mind. over and over i was replaying our conversation. his hands…

the meeting was a disaster. everyone showed up late… some employees where there. it is just hard. not much is going on, and as positive as i try and be… the reality is…. it is really hard. i decided to speak up and you could hear the pain in my voice, it may have been a little shaky.. but i had something to get across. things are not going that well and we are really slow. the place in quiet and the reputation is hard to build back. 

we were busy the remainder of the day, it was a good thing because i was so tired that i needed to just keep going. i don't really remember my clients, i just know that i was loopy. i think i had a high light client.. and haircut maybe. 

i took a nap on the couch while london watched the front desk… i fell asleep sitting up and it was funny to him. niya came in to talk for a minute.. and we planned to go to the art walk downtown later that night. 

it was good that we went, drinking a quick shot of espesso from a cuban shop and walking around talking to the vendors. i saw matt and his girlfriend from mollyLA. and i also was able to talk to sarah the artist with the hummingbird paintings… we want to have her show in the store. also i bought a candle, 820 from two ladies… it smells like musk, sandal wood. we also were able to see a photography exhibit that i wish i had taken photos of her work. i want to go back and see it with gabriel but it is up only until june 22. 

we were going to go out and get drinks but i was over it and wanted to just go home and go to sleep. 

found these words in an old journal. 

i am a worthy woman. worthy of marrying. i all be a sweet wife. if that day comes, he will be lucky. he needs to work for it, but for a lot of work, so that i know that he will be good for years. he has to want me in order for me to want him. i am worthy of being wanted. sought after. unforgettable. one guy tonight sarcastically said i was the one. too soon. too much. but i want to go to dinner with him. sober. I'm not completely sober, but I'm on another level & not everyone's with me. he seems to be "with me". we'll see. i like dinner. and conversation crazy, weird conversation. from now on its all me, every bit. jeffery bought me sweet orange sunglasses. keeps me on my toes. he has the best music. exactly what i want to listen to. i really like that. he is a good guy, means well & is a lot of fun. but i just can't have him falling love in with me. is it okay to say, "now don't go falling in love with me." i don't think that is appropriate. most likely not, but what needs to be put out there, so no feelings get hurt. kisses. 

what do they mean? because i get a lot of those. i want to kiss your lips again. i can almost remember what it was like, especially that one night, week after we met. insane. but you know, i've worked hard to get where i am & now he has to work hard to have me.

it just can't be that easy. he has to always know that i am worth it.

everything he as to go through will be worth it because he'll have me & then it will be easier, together.

i don't want to sleep with him now because i want to sleep with him for years. so i'll wait, for all these years, i'll wait, because  it will be exactly what we both want when it does happen. he says he wants it to mean something with me, and it will be. it will be what we both need and want because we waited, got to know each other & fell in love.

fallen in love with the good, the band & worse. once you've been there, you know. so in the mean time i'll focus on me & learning. surround myself with interesting and smart people so i'll learn from them. i want to meet my potential. i have everything it takes to be a good deal. 

june 8 2011

one.hundred.twenty.nine.

the sound of going through a car wash is what i awoke to… i was waiting for the window to break in from the pressure of water. i listened to it for awhile. spending time just tossing around. i waited until the last minute to get up… and i didn't write about the day before. it just wasn't the right time. i was excited once again for the bike ride, even though it was chilly and cloudy out. since i have to ride my bike, its nice that it is over cast in the morning, makes so that i don't sweat. (all of my entries are a mess and i haven't completed the following days in order, just when you think you have a good pattern going of order… something changes)

it was so quiet at the salon. i spent porch time and tried to write about my days but i was distracted and came in to… just wait. it was good to see niya, she looked beautiful and we sat and ate a chocolate muffin. we sat around and talked about what we were going to wear for the gallery show. i had an extension appointment in the evening and was glad to spend time with her, i just wanted to start about an hour earlier, then i would've taken my time slower… i sewed the top row in too tight i think. it was nice to spend some time with karen, hanging out and talking about life and boys (men)… and i may have said too much about ali and ian, but it is something that has been bothering me, i needed to talk about it. 

i hurried home to get ready quickly, my outfit was by far one of my favorites. i love that i can buy things years and years ago and they decide to fit so perfectly now. in LA of all places.. i am wearing clothes from all over the country. my hair began to behave perfectly… after just alitle work earlier in the day. i was scrambling around… my tan jacket with the angled shoulders… the urban outfitters "sex kitten" shirt that i choose to wear all across the country… bought it at our insane shopping spree in DC. (i regret this shopping trip…but it was so much fun) my wide leg dark trouser jeans from the consignment store in NYC while shopping with kat… my sneaker heals and stella & dot pegaus necklace. i absolutely love this piece of jewelry. it was a cool get up.. i would say LA worthy. i was ready and laid down on the bed to wait for niya. she was taking forever and i know that we were going to be really late. 

she showed up with a friend, vanessa… from peru. its funny really because she worked at cold stone right by my house a summer ago on the outer banks. its a funny thing about the outer banks… you either know about it, or you don't. just so random that of all the people niya could be friends with… she knows another girl from the obx. so wild. bad news… jordan told niya that he liked her as just a friend, which is really upsetting because she likes this kid so much. she had been crying… as he told her just a few hours ago. I'm surprised really that she pulled herself together so well. she was so pitiful, but her shoes were amazing. on our way there i was trying to find the right things to say to her… all the while, gabriel is texting me that he is headed to long beach. "funny, i'm headed to LA". he is going to be there late working just down the street with his friend mark. i play words with him… telling him that I'm not in the mood to sleep for the night. we got lost a little bit, thanks to the iPhone navigation system… and we were really late. i walked in and you could tell that it was the end of the party..  beautiful girls that don't smile were standing around. i saw one beautiful girl.. and asked her if she was one of the artist.. she was and we chatted for awhile. the artwork was good, i was inspired by a few of the pieces. we took some time looking around… but niya and vanessa didn't really take the time to look at the photos. 

we found a small garden bar area out back and had a drink… the bartender told us that we had just missed the whole thing. a lot of celebrities were there… actors from how i met you mother… and so forth. my stomach dropped and i was upset. i was upset that we missed a moment to be invited to this type of event… and we were late over a silly boy. oh well. i keep my feelings to myself and we sit and talk for some time under vines of pink flowers. 

i texted gabriel to see where that first bar we went to… weeks ago was. "coco something". we found it… coco laurent on 7th and Grand. walking up i began to recognize everything… and we saw vincent as soon as we walked in. he is the owner and made a scene with us last time. i wanted to get to know him, he seems like a genuine guy. we sat at the far end of the bar… in hopes that chad would be working. turns out he has friday off. we chose our drinks, all of which are amazing. just one drink… we talk about boys and vincent comes over the chat with us… tell us about a wine tasting in a few weeks. i was starting to get a buzz and getting antsy about getting back to long beach… something about knowing that he was there. 

our ride back was quick, i texted him the whole way home.

once i got out of the car… i felt relief. i think i might actually get to see this guy.

i spent some time waiting and wondering… catching up on writing and wondering if i should just cancel. it was too late to have a boy over, i was nervous that we would be up to no good.

but i followed through… he made it so easy. 

i made some tea with cinnamon and honey in my charleston, south carolina cup and went out to meet him on third place. 

i was a bit nervous and laughed while running up to his little car, spilling hot tea the whole time. i got in and looked at him.. he seemed different than i remember.

it was so sexy, he drives a shitty stick shift car.

we found a place to park downtown, I'm sure there was one closer to me, but it is the ocean front and parking is so ridiculous. 

we laughed about all of it, how i have no idea about parking. he asked to have a sip of tea.. "of course". "what is that?" he asks… haha… its not tea at all. i laugh in my normal whimsical giggle. i get my cup of tea and begin to walk towards the ocean. i debate taking him for a walking adventure…but decide to just go back to the house. i felt like holding his hand, but its not appropriate right now. 

he says that my place reminds him of his old house in san diego. i wish i could have a picture of the look on his face when i opened the door to my place. everyone has the same shocked reaction. i mean… the view is amazing. i made him some tea and was able to say a comment to him… about how all people have some good within them…"not everyone does". and he looked up at me with those eyes… one eyebrow arched. i love that look.

we sit on the porch and casually talk for hours. so much talking that I'm not sure if i should just relax… and be quiet. we only had a very few quiet moments. he says he likes to talk a lot, fill the silent void because most of the time he is stuck in his head… working on art on the computer.

i shared so much with him. i don't know why i felt the urge to have such intimate conversation with him… but i know that it was better than intimacy. i made us more tea and grabbed a blanket. it was around four am and kinda cold outside. i decided to stay up with him all night. its crazy how fast time goes with him… so fast. he is going to be one of those people, the kind that you want to always be with…but time with them always ends too soon.

i even managed to say that to him.

i also had my southern mannerisms come out… which he laughed so hard at "bless their hearts…" i was talking about giraffes. really. and i told him about how i used to make movies with barbies as stunt doubles. i went all out for the movies… he suggested i put them on you tube. you know, it would be absolutely hilarious to see all of them. maybe one day he will be able to watch them with me and the sisters. it would hurt how much we would all laugh.

the sun began to come up and we joked that the birds were too loud… and the people next door were drunk and staying up really late with us. he liked how i made him feel normal. i like how much we have in common. i liked just talking to him… then the sun did come up. it was over cast and gray… it was nice to not be blinded by the sun first thing. we had to end our time, i showed him quickly my room to show him out… he looked like a little boy entering my fort built of pillows and blankets. did you used to build those? i wonder… i like him. the goodbye was awkward, i hugged him weird… and spent a moment too long looking at this face, into his eyes. its so crazy to think that i have already kissed him before. i don't remember… but he is oh so familiar. 

i laid down to rest for about an hour. twenty minutes later he sent me a smile. 

i wish he was still here.

Those moments that are too good to miss. You shouldn't pass them up just because some of the details don't quite match up with your imagination of how it should be... 

The change in lightening changes the mood. I am still thinking about our night, our all night time to share thoughts. Why did I say all those things? It was very humorous. I keep thinking about his smile. Why must our brains capture a memory and play it so many times ... To make me want more. The time traveled too fast. Over already? Our time is up.

He complimented me on a few things. He seems.. Genuine and I want to just be beside him, leaning against his arm... Holding his hand in an airport. I want to run late with him.. Or be on time. I want to smile and be amazed with his brilliance. I want to share with people this sense of hope.. And cover ourselves with paint. I want to help him achieve his vision, his works of art that involve a muse.. A cat like source of feminine power to prowl through his photographs.

Why.. I am so pleased he just wanted to sit by me. I'm glad he didn't try anything.. The night was too dark, too late, too innocent too precious to mess it up with intimacy. It was all too childlike and wonderful... 

I could go on for days, putting the pieces back again where words fell out into each others thoughts.. But I prayed to god for a boyfriend, a person to push me harder.. If he is it, well I'll take my earthly time to get to know him. I can already see the art work we will create. 

It takes discipline to tell your body not to sleep.. Makes a blur of time that changes the shape of the day. Just a quick nap before I have to be in public. He text me a smile when he got home... I wish he was cuddled up beside me for my cat nap. 

one.hundred.twenty.eight.

It is the waking up process for me that is hard, it always will be. The places I am in my head are so much more interesting. My brain is so complex that I can be one hundred places, memories, moments forever. It's only natural that it should become more intense. 

I have energy this morning, I am excited. It's going to be a good day I believe.

It's nice to start it out this way, even though the sun isn't shining... I was able to bike to work quickly. I dropped my bike off at the Loft and then walked to the coffee shop. It is absolutely wonderful to smell coffee when I open the door. I am kinda out of my mind for the early morning... It was slow. I spent time chatting with niya, she was working at the coffee shop. Some things worked out for her today, she signed a contract that said she wouldn't be paying rent for a year due to the construction next door. I could tell in the air that something was happening... Tom was up to chaos, I'm just not sure about his intentions yet. I can't read him, he does this on purpose and knows... that. 

But I can promise her a year of help... And she only needs a year from the store... So yea. But now I can see this going well if she doesn't have to pay rent. We could make real money. Three o'clock came fast and after I discovered pod casts. I watched several of them... About managing a band.

The girl working after me showed up late and I had to leave to go to work before she arrived.. And I walked into a busy afternoon. Jossi was waiting for me.. I remember our conversation from last time, he was in the process of interviews with google. I gave him some advice last time about how he needed to visualize what he wanted to happen. He really became excited about this and we hit it off. He invites me to an art show at KGB gallery in LA. He wants to introduce me to Steve, the owner. Neil was my next client (I believe) and our conversation is good as always. Then I have a cut and color with Keri. She is a cool curly mother of two boys. She has beautiful tattoo work and I love her curls. I had a vision for her hair but I wasn't able to create it. I felt like it was too similar to what we always do... I wanted it to be different, just wants feeling very 'risky'. I got out of work late and biked home in the dark. The ride was nice and peaceful. I made dinner and spent more time watching pod casts and working on a pin board. I want to style or even be in an underwater photo shoot, so I spent hours drinking tea me looking up photos. I decided to name the board "get wet with me"... All with gabriel in mind, I was hoping that since I pinned one of his photos in the group that it would notify him with the title... And spark a few thoughts about me.

 (recap)

the second half of my day was fast. the girl that was working after me showed up late, which was annoying. i walked in to a booked afternoon, which was an surprise, but a good one. jossi was my first client and he liked that i remembered his job interview with google, he didn't get the job. it was upsetting, a let down is hard.. but there is always something else, that is a certain. 

he invited me to a gallery show in LA and said he knew the gallery owner, thought that i would like the show. i really consider going because it would nice to meet some people and get out to long beach. my next client is also a regular, he is one of those that i just like to see on my day list of appointments. they are the ones that will be with you for awhile. the next client is also a repeat, she is an adorable tattoo girl with the best blond curls. i wasn't really pleased with the outcome, but that is because I'm preoccupied…but either way i think it will good once her curls get used to the shorter cut. i had something in my mind, but i just couldn't translate it to her hair. it was a late night, a good ride home in the dark. i make dinner and talk with oliver and andrew, it is nice to see them together… but couples are starting to get on my nerves now. i think i'm just psming… 

i have dinner. just some vegetables, kale… zucchini and avocado. it's all i have, and from now on its the only way i can afford to eat… 

its good. have a bit of wine with my meal and then retire to my room. i had expectations of creating some artwork. but i sat there in front of my sketchbook. just looking at the white pages, it was  a weird weird thing to not being to make… something. anything. i saw his face. i could see the look from across the table and i thought about what it would be like to just see it again in person. then i couldn't see the angle, i didn't want it on paper just quite yet, because sometimes then you lose the image all together. then it is just… gone. 

i decided to spend some time watching podcast about the music industry on renman music business… and i saw an interview with lisa worden. she was beautiful, had good hair and sense about her that was real. she grew up in long beach and has worked her way up to the radio station in long beach. i learned a lot and heard some good advice.i learned about the band the x ambassadors. love songs drug songs. the album is good..three songs in particular. its good. i want to listen to it for while…. so i was able to listen and learn while pinning pictures on my pint rest boards about under the water photos. i am about to start working with a lot of photographers. i want to coordinate shoots and get the style… the people together. to collaborate. it is very important as artitst to work together. 

i am thinking about nonsense and stay up late just being in my room. some writing, but i fell asleep before finishing everything. its good.. my dreams. I'm not sure. 

there was a moment this morning when a man stopped me as i was waiting or the light to change…"what you have going on here is very good". he smiles, i laugh and thank him.

its true though, i guess the outfit worked, my "classic" bike helps too… his friend liked the bike.

the little moments that keep us with just a glimmer of hope. just the slightest amount. 

one.hundred.twenty.seven.

he did get it… 

he gets more than i know.

we stayed up and text late into the night. made me feel like a middle school kid again, staying up all night on the instant chat, just talking about nonsense. getting to know each other. he filled me in on some art projects that he is working on.. then wanted to me check out his pinterest boards, which are … amazing. he is dark freak. creature of the night that boy… and he thinks I'm cool?

really?

this is wild. he gives me chills… up my spine. i lay tangled in my many blankets and pillows.. the silence of the night, just the vibration of my phone and the anticipation of what he will say next.

whoa. if this is us just using words, what will life be like in person with him?

i am interested to find out. i don't think i'll hold back much from him. he is far ahead of the others. he knows more about fashion than i do… and he is a creative genius. he is good with his.. words… hands… and artwork. i can see us making the most beautiful…lovely artwork together.

"fucking inspired and fucking horny" as he would say.

ya, i'd say so.

i fell asleep to his words around four am… the sun was going to be coming up and i needed to be asleep for that. my body is tired and sore from yesterdays detox and I'm enjoying just laying in bed, in the silence and dark… pile of blankets. i recap the night and see that he did in fact answer me back, i stopped the conversation. silly sleep… but he text me just a little more and i wonder if he slept at all last night. i text ali first thing… about my relief that my pay check was enough to cover rent and pay bills. she is not suporised that he is … cool.

still might be too much for me… i might bore him

so here i am… just laying in bed, taking up all the time i can in here. wasting away.

but I'm getting things done on the internet. lots of catching up… inspiration. 

the day continues and i make myself brunch, egg and avocado… then i lay on the porch for just a few minutes. niya text me and says she'll be here to get me in twenty minutes. I'm not even close to ready.. so my sunshine time is cut short. 

i get ready quickly and she meets me at the door… i am so happy to see her, it has been a few days and i begin to realize what an important role she plays in my life. 

we head to la in the heat of the day with traffic and country music. it is so much fun wandering around the fashion district. she now refers to me as her "consultant" and we discuss what colors, patterns and cuts will best suit the clientele base. we over spend.. of course due to me. i end up spending my last two days worth of money on clothes… a tye-die cardigan and a red aztec maxi. we spend time laughing and carrying on with the vendors. this has really been one of the most fun days i've had in awhile. of course i have to bring up gabriel to her… we talk about him too much, but she reassures me that it is going to be a good thing. we have too much in common and even if it just ends up that we work together, then that is good enough. 

we head to the store and i spend time unpacking and hanging things on hangers. i take a break to drink a glass of wine and greet sarah… as she walked here from work. she looks just lovely and i compliment her. i know she is having a tough day and I'm glad that we can entertain her. 

niya's friend catalina comes in to shop… and ends up hanging out with us all night. before we know it… without dinner we are getting drunk and are taking pictures of the inventory. i need to practice my 'modeling' skills… i love being in front of a camera and playing dress up. niya said earlier in the day.. as we sat in traffic for an hour on our way back to long beach, tells me about myself. "I've told you this before.. but there is a mystery about you. its as if you know some secret that we don't… and everyone wants to know… what exactly it is…".

I've heard this before. i think this is what makes me a "muse">

what is it that i know?

god. i think that is the difference. i know a god that created us. that rules over us… i know him so personally that i can't even hide it. something in my expression… it's all in the eyes.

the evening is so much fun and i decide to share with everyone harry's new songs… the blues.

they are instantly entranced and before we know it… hours have passed, we are all dancing around the store and we have heard all of their songs.

the variety is amazing and i can tell that they are impressed. catalina even said… its like i just want to tell everyone about them… but i don't think they would even understand.

he does something to me… i make everyone what to listen… i make everyone curious with what is going on inside of my head. i want them to hear and i talk about how i will get them a show by the end of the year in long beach. i am determined.

gabriel crosses my mind and i decide to ask him about his day… 

he is nervous… about some results and i completely understand… we try and make plans, but i am yet to believe them.. i don't think we will be seeing each other for awhile. but tonight i crave his attention.. and of course he is off in his own land. that is how he will keep me intrigued. is to be busy.

sarah and i decide to walk home alone .. together. she is just a special soul in my life. we bounce off of each other… as we do often when we walk. i have to admit that i am amazed by her.. she is such a soul that i am beginning to love. between her and niya… its like california brought them to me. if i was just supposed to share my struggle with them…if i came here to be with them, then that makes it all okay. i walk really fast and sarah comments on how fast i move. i like to get places, i don't have time to be slow. she tells me how there is some energy about me that just attracts people. as if i am something of a odd breed…twice in one day? gabriel said it about me last night too… three times. I'm sure my roommates would agree as well. i wonder if it is true.

its not up to me though. there are so many factors that contribute to what i am and i what i will become. i can't take really any of the credit… i just have to trust that i am this way… for a reason.

i long for something and try and fill the void, but i have not inspiration at the time. so i lay in bed and get addicted to pinterest. 

i know that time will answer most of my questions… 

one.hundred.twenty.six.

this morning was ... loud. i was woken by the sounds of jack hammers and tile cutting. once again construtcion starts at eight am. it is becoming easy to tune out the nonsense... im getting used to the loud and busy city. it is cloudy most of the morning and i lay in bed just napping until the last minute. i can't quite recall my dreams.. but im pretty sure the last night was the one where i saw the painting that i just created the other night. i was standing with ali and i could see it just off of her stairway. i tried to take a picture of it but i wasn't fast enough before the vibrant orange faded away, just like a sunset. 

you could sense that the clouds stirring around felt like chaos. 

i think harry was there as always. i woke up and checked facebook to see that he had made some new songs. tupper had just posted them on soundcloud hours ago... like 5am east coast time. i was so thankful to be the first listen. i played them a few times and dosed in and out of sleep.

the ride to yoga was quick, i feel light and agile as i go on my way to "become a ninja".

that is how darren makes me feel. he is excited to see me and i almost feel upset that there is someone else in class, but come to find out he is just lingering from the class before. it is only darren and i and he voices to me that he was excited when he got the email that i was coming to class. something about this guy. i feel like he knows something that i don't. just like elwang. his lisp doesnt seem as strong this morning... either that or im getting used to his voice. he leads me through a slower version that focuses more on the slow and steady movements of the body, becoming aware of the flow and energy within. i am able to get through the poses with ease as he guides me along. i like all the interaction i have with him. the personal time is nice and he stands close and doesnt have very many personal boundaries, so he has me push up against him or twist and holds my feet down during cobra. each stretch i am given a extra push between my shoulders and at the end of class he presses behind my ears and stretches my neck. all of this means the world to me right now. he is the only one who touches me other than myself... and an occasional hug from my roommates. it means... that i am only doing good for myself. these "touches" are teaching me strengh and personal well being. 

i come home to get a few things done... the sun begins to come out and i cook myself eggs and salsa. i have a great view to work from, a few emails to look over and i need to transfer some money around. i apply for another discover card but the application is declined, im assuming because i already have money with them... then onto more research. i ended up getting some credit with bank of america but i didnt click well with the girl on the phone. she seemed.... disconnected and i wasnt given much. then i couldn't find an address, the whole thing was a mess and i was unprepared in the long run. i got upset and yelled, it suprised me how upset i was... but it didn't solve a thing. so now i have to just wait and be patient until i can transfer the money. 

i dont like digging into my money problems. it stresses me out and there is absolutely nothing i can do about it but just keep waiting, working and trying not to spend. its not that deep. i can get myself out of it in a year and then be free and working enough to support the lifestyle that i know i will achieve. 

watching npr music tiny desk concerts is the best. i watched a cool ok go one where they moved the office to a downtown spot near the us capitol. it is all new and white and shiny, which is cool... and seems like a really neat place to live. im excited to know that it is so close to home... and i want the hound dogs on there.... or the critters. i can see this happening by the summer of next year. i have so much work to do… 

this is all going to be a teamwork thing, but i believe so strongly in them succeeding that i am willing to be the first crazy one to get everyone together. 

you have to believe in something that seems so utterly impossible… to make it a reality.

you have to believe every single day.

my time with ali at the market today was kinda depressing. i was a bit of a drag because of my money… which always seems to be the issue with me. i try not to bring her down with it, but its a major stress in my life. we walk to the park and almost get hit by a car, andrew sees and stops to give us hugs. i stock up on avocados and fruit, honey granola and cake balls. we have our empanda snack and sit off to the side to see the music. different guys are up there today, playing a keyboard. they sing covers of elton john… we talk about how her marriage is tough and that maybe he is crazy… he would be perfect to be with if it were to come down to survival of the fittest, but in reality, he doesn't treat her how he should. i don't think he has a clue about how to treat a woman. and this beautiful creature that he "tricked" into marrying him.. well she deserves so much more. i actually am upset about the whole thing, i thought about how selfish he was and stirred myself all up. its just not fair what women have to go through.

its all too much and we have to change the subject because i can tell she is getting upset. its just me though… i probably don't help the situation but its all i can do just listen and be there for her.

we decide after eating cake that we will go to hot yoga at eight. i think that it is a good idea to do it again because if i want to get in the habit of teaching, I'm going to have to get used to more than one class a day. i do have a desire to teach. i have a desire to help others undertand and be well.

the room is hotter than earlier today… it is also very crowded with sweaty people. siri's voice is calming though, enough to where i can handle this situation because of her tone. she is another one that i admire.. i wonder about her story. 

each of us is covered in a moving shiny layer of water on our skin. with each movement it becomes hard to have a grip… i am sliding around. at certain moments it becomes euphoric and i feel like maybe i have pushed too hard, but my body keeps moving. i have to focus on the goal… the things that i see while pushing myself to the limit… music. i see harry and i's first encounter. the smile that i can't help but give… we've had a few seconds in time. together already. i let ali listen to his two knew songs, she likes them. he has a good sound. he has a lot of good things… but what does it mean to others? does it matter? is it unique enough for people to remember? yes, i believe so.

we make a quick trip to whole foods so i can get yogurt, enough to last me until i have to leave for home… twenty days. i don't have money and I'm struggling, but i was excited to get quite a lot for under forty dollars. I'm freezing cold in my soaking wet clothes.

i go home to unpack my things… and see the i have a text from gabriel. what he says is amazing. he wants me there just to hang out with him while he works in his studio.. just to have me hang out. wow. that was simple and beautiful. I'm not going to lie… i tried to use my brain power today to see if he would text, and i was so thankful he did. he gives me butterflies and i text him back…. but i don't think he got it. 

i take a shower and rinse off all the toxins that were releaseed onto my skin… starting fresh and clean. i have to give up everything that i have. 

one.hundred.twenty.five.

change is good. 

i woke up and used all the energy i had in me to make it to work on time. it was a dreary morning as usual… but once i was at work things were better. dori quit working so now the spot beside me is free. it would only make sense that london would take that spot, which is really exciting because i feel a renewed sense of belonging now. he minds me of working beside rich, all of those years of us laughing, learning and bantering back and forth. it was such a beautiful simple time i once had. the deep cleaning took place and made the air easier to breathe… i inherited a new black rolling station to keep my things, it even locks. the appointments started to flood in as soon as he "blessed" the area. i really hope that we can make some money here together… in our lofty positions. the compliment of our conversation will be lovely and as he said "everything is beginning to fall into place".  

my first client is tough and always demands so much out of me. she seems looney and doesn't really make sense with what she says or even wants. she brought her boyfriend this time… i didn't expect her to be with someone like him, but you shouldn't assume that someone's standards would be high. they both gave me a weird energy and i was completely over the appointment and ready for them to just leave. 

rumor has it i'll be getting some of dori's clients since they were too imdimidated to leave her while she was there… and my next client is just lovely. she is a typical california brunette with an intense tan and good build for a woman her age, but her hair color is making me crazy. i convinced her to get it colored and cut, a complete make.over which i can sense that she needs. she is getting ready to go to school for holistic massage therapy… which i think will bring happiness to her… much more than the nonsense job of working for the government. the day didn't drag on too much… and i was steady, but i was not there in heart. i had been texting gabriel and niya all day… both of them started their conversation with me at the exact same minute. that is weird how those things happen, as if they were more connected than they know. i was excited about the chance of seeing him in the evening but didn't really take any initiative to make solid plans. instead our conversation was open ended and not consistent. this is fine.. i walk to ali's and have a lovely dinner with her on the porch. we drink some wine and over eat… talking about the past few days. we walked with syd to rite aid so i could get just enough things so i didn't have to go grocery shopping. it was too expensive as usual and i spent all the money in my wallet on cotton, yogurt, contact solution and a bottle of wine. 

i stayed to have a glass with ali as we watched the office.

i thought about our talk on the way home about how men are not living up to their roles anymore. if our fathers only knew how our boyfriends/husbands treated us… they would be furious. her husband is really selfish and it is starting to affect me now. i try not to get in the middle of it… but if i had been around her more when she was thinking about marrying him, i would've said something. even though you can't talk a girl off the ledge when we are already ready to jump. that is a fact. so nothing i can say or do with change it. let this be a lesson.

i walk home and smile, i have many reasons to smile. the walk down ocean blvd tonight is cool and breezy…. its lined with palms and flowers… quirky vintage buildings and tons of character. its time to finally wash my hair again… and i have a nice shower. it feels good to just get rid of all the filth. all the dirt from the weeks past… shave my legs and start over again. 

i need to eat more, so i snack on cereal and watch new episodes of mad men with the boys. it is relaxing to just sit and watch the drama while waiting for my sheets to dry. 

the feeling of laying in clean warm sheets for my nights sleep seems so romantic. i only have this one set… as i don't have much. if i had a boyfriend i would wash the sheets a lot so we could snuggle in the their warmth and fall asleep in each others arms.