fifty.seven.

only twenty.four hours ago, seems like it never happened.

he is like a dream, that suddenly appeared into my life. he seemed real, but i think he was only a mirage.

i slept way too late into the afternoon again. i need not make this a habit, i need to be out in the world. but i enjoy my dark room of solitude, i enjoy just laying in bed.  i spent some time just catching up on writing, then ate lunch. i was waiting for ali to get off work, i felt like exercising, but ali wasn't that into it today. we actually need to be doing a lot more yoga if we are serious about staying in shape.  i biked to her place, first stopping by the bicycle shop to see if he would fill up my tire with air… but he was closed.

the day was nice and sunny, ali and i sat on the porch for hours… a glass of white wine. she wanted to know the details of the night, there were so many.

i tried to stay calm about the whole ordeal, but with her… it's hard to contain my feelings.  expressing my feelings of happiness and regret. everything IS different now… we have lost the innocence of the friendship and quickly fast forwarded to … something so much more. she reassured me that waiting isn't always the answer, if it was done out of love, then it's a whole nother story. our story will be, never ending perhaps.

after much debate we moved onto lighter subjects, like laughing about our past lives of being young, wild and in hair school. what a fun life we have both had, our decisions have led us here, together… living this life of happiness.  if only we had just one photo or even video of those days it would spark memories, but it all actually happened and created who we are today, so i'd say that that was enough.

i have a new sense of self today, i felt like i was put in my place. at times i say all too much, it is very blunt and honest.  i can not take back the words i say aloud. i told him to push harder, asked him if he could keep up… we'll see. he did the best thing ever for me today.. kept me waiting. i didn't hear a word. he has his own life and i love that. 

fifty.six.

i slept in, in my dark cave room, i can see that this will be trouble… no sunlight to drag me from my comfortable corner. i wasn't sleeping near my phone, so it didn't have a chance to wake from all the text messages. very first thing i had plans and decisions to make. i had been putting a few things off for awhile, but i suppose that its now or never from now on. i signed onto stella & dot, that should be a fun project and i hope that it gets me a few clients. i also scored a few cool pieces that should hopefully spark a few conversations and make a party or two. I'm nervous about it, its a new business, something else for me to put my energy and time into… not too bad of a job. while all this is happening, austin is texting me… i was supposed to be getting a tattoo this evening but just as he was asking me out to dinner she was canceling those plans. i got just a few errands done for the day, some laundry and cleaning up… i cooked myself a really nice lunch with the remainder of food that i have here. i'd used up most of the day already. i discovered a cool band on instagram… thao & the east down get down… it played the perfect songs that i hadn't heard before…and the soundtrack inspired me to draw for awhile. the music is so calming, upbeat and perfect. its the simple sparks of music… that provoke so much feeling and thought.  ali came over with syd for a minute to hang out.. before i was off to my dinner date. i pulled my hair up and wore my favorite striped shirt… tie dye scarf and volcom jeans. my favorite things… something comfortable, its all just casual. claudia called and said the time was now for me to meet her and austin at the salon. he was getting a haircut… my day off i didn't exactly want to be there… but it was worth it to see him.  i showed up sweaty and nervous, trying to contain my feelings… and act natural. its always weird being there when I'm not working.. like its a different place. we all piled into his truck, he loved my bike, thank goodness because we had to drag it around all night. it smelled like such good greenery in his pre runner… toyota boys… oh how i like them. tacos near her house on anaheim and obsispo. the little place was authentic and for dollar taco tuesday, it wasn't that too bad of food.  then we piled in again and ventured to her house, funny the conversations we had.. i like clauida a lot, she reminds me of olesya… its a beautiful thing. she is such a mess, but its a lovely thing to love her. after some party favors, we chose a scary movie to watch. the movie wasn't that great… but it was perfect that austin and i could sit close to one another.

alittle vodka and orange juice… ninety minutes later and we were as if we've done this all before. it just felt natural. his hands fit on my shoulder, i liked how he scratched my back some. he has a calm sense about him that i can't help but… want to be around.

this all spells trouble for me. he reminds me of all the people, places and things that i love. how does just one person do that to you? he is a gemini… not that it really matters. most of my longer relationships were also gemini's… something about multiple personalities, i really enjoy the excitement. except he seems to be… oh so different. this kid is a musician, a lover and a fighter. his job, and how much he loves it… blows my mind. he is just the nicest guy i know… but i would never as much describe him as "nice". he is charming… peaceful and full of life, something exciting that i just cringe and want to cling to… what will we be like together?

we leave and walk back to his truck in the dark, admiring a few things. he points out a purple tree with bellflowers…a lovely lilac. the moon is full and shines down, casting shadows, brightening the darkness of the evening. we laugh and decide that my ocean front place is were we will spend more time together…  he takes me on a tour through signal hill, you can see lights for miles… "I'm gonna try to not be a tour guide." but i enjoyed it so much. what's crazy is how surrounded we were… and how that was where he went to get away. he grew up in long beach, i love that about him. back to the oceanside, it was wild to see all the lights that lead us back to the bay…. we drove around for awhile trying to find somewhere to park. apparently parking here is impossible, we figured that out. he has the patience of a saint, i was so thankful for this. we drove around and around, listening to music and getting to know each other. finally, we found a spot way too small…but with my help we figured it out. city life is nice… "you just have to walk like you are supposed to be somewhere." the stroll was good. i was excited to show him my place, it is something i take pride in now, considering i spend everything dollar i have to be here. I'm so broke.. but to live this comfortably, that is worth being poor about. 

we laid around and talked about our lives, he liked the art…said he thought i had the name of a rockstar... i introduced him to daniel and ian. they have high energy and are probably confused about who he is to me.. either way. we had a glass of whiskey water and sat on the porch… got a little high. i've been waiting for this moment, I'm so thankful it was with him. the moon was so bright and lovely to stare at, directly in front of us over the bay. our conversation just flows.. it makes perfect sense. I'm not bored with him. his calm voice exhilarates me, i just want to know more. he expressed the same feelings about me "i hardly remember any of the details that people say.. but i remember what you say…you must be that interesting".

i feel the same way. then we realized that we had the same dream. he wants to travel across the country with a band, stopping to play venues all along the way. i know this dream, i have it too, except i was filling the people in from home, but what if thats now who i'll be taking the trip with… funny how things fall into place. its just not time yet.

we cuddled together and it finally got chilly enough to where we had to go inside.

i knew that boys in my room equalled trouble.. and it being like three in the morning. we were slow to kiss. i made sure to drag it out as long as possible… it felt natural. 

everything felt so… normal. like we just had to do it, we owed that to ourselves to enjoy each other's bodies, i think they were made for each other. it became escalated fast, it didn't help.. my actions when it comes to making out with people. i turn the entire event into a fest of eroctic nonsense, like its our favorite show. i didn't plan for this at all. i actually wasn't planning on doing much more than just kissing him… he was making me nervous how much i wanted to just be.. with him.

it startled me honestly. i think that sex is the destroyer of relationships, but only if its done in the wrong context. i think that if it is out of love, the let down is a bit more gentle. in my past i have had all kinds, he probably assumes that all my past in a burning field of chaos… my sex life is a bit like that. i told him that i wasn't planning on sex, i actually wanted to wait. i wanted to drag this out with him… he said he was usually that character as well in this scene. but this time… it was different. "the world might end if we do this" i said. so we gave it a chance. the moment was slow… i led up to it by drinking out of a glass with number 1, he had two… he thinks that it is a sexy number… 27….72. i kissed the back of his neck and lost the remainder of the lights.. and clothes. i guess the soundtrack being perfect… was perfect. right before it all happened… he whispered "try and let something happen".

i try and keep the mystery, i wanted to tell him so much more, to tell him everything actually. about how weird and crazy i am, about how i study sex and love the lord so much that i am trying to live righteously, but now i see how impossible that seems… i understand why our world is in turmoil. because of the same feelings that we felt, together. i decided to cave, i decided to give up so easily from my abstinence… sex will save us after all.

it felt like something that was supposed to belong in our lives. i frustrated myself the whole time as usual.. i wasn't exactly able to relax. i think i only enjoy the "leading upto part". but to have the feeling of someone inside me again, that is something i wanted for myself.

my self discipline is a mess now. seeing his mouth and teeth, oh my goodness his teeth are something i could look at for awhile. his lips are nice, they are not perfect, but i like that more now.. everything about it was quite surreal. it was a moment at three.thirty that i don't regret. i can't, it was real. it was something that meant we cared… about having feelings together. it was romantic, in it's dirty human bodies… our souls could have that moment together. i couldn't finish, as usual it began to hurt and i don't know how the finish line feels anyway. i think i get closer each time, i know that love will play a factor in me actually seeing… pleasure.  but not what? did i give it all away… for a few minutes of not so much pleasure.

to see him over me, holding onto me. his shoulders have a strange bone that sticks out on either side, i've not seen this before… he laughed "people have called me a demon" ha. he is far from it… but that is also how they get by… with their evil beauty.  leading me away from my main source of … life.

i felt like i was going to be sick… their were too many emotions and feelings happening. too much racing around in my mind. i had just given up my soul. to this kid i met only three days ago… but he consumed my brain immediately. i wanted to place my hand on every inch of him. he reminds me of ashton. that is a beautiful compliment now that i look back. 

he stayed with me. we fell sleep … me on top. he knows how to calmly move his hands about… bless his heart, he had to be up early for work. the diligence of this boy.. doing what he loves. the children are the future, i admire this about him. he is too much of an angel for me to get involved, he thinks the same about me. our slumber was short, but it was beautiful. you could begin to hear the birds chirping about, a silver of light through the blinds. he got up and ran his hands along me. i could feel that this was… real. he kissed me a few times, his hair hanging in his eyes… what we discussed is blurry, i was mostly asleep… i remember looking at him laughing because i had left the keys in the door… that was "locked". see… thats something i do in carolina. maybe i don't belong in california forever.. but for now… he makes it feel a little more… better. "have a good day austin". 

fifty.five.

this day would be different.

i woke up early, with a sense of exhaustion and stillness. i was able to get out of bed easier, ahead of time, almost.

i had to pack a new book bag, this one is much more comfortable. the cool foggy weather made the city seem somewhat desolate. i wasn't sure what way to feel, quickly i was going up and down. my soundtrack to work was wonderful, many of my favorite songs shuffling through… "furr" being one of them. i knew that everything was going to be … never the same again. starting today. i thought about silly things, like boys. I'm still not convinced that harry is gone, i can still feel him in my thoughts, today only a bit less. its a weird feeling because i am still almost certain that it will all work out. but i know how quickly a plan can change, and how one hello can shift everything. 

i must point out a few details that i left off about yesterday. as if i don't already believe that life is a choreographed dance, we almost ran right into each other at the doorway of the theatre. a velvet curtain separating us. he showed up to the after party… i remember the exact look he gave me, just above his glasses. there is a calm coolness about him. something so soft and delicate, but with the most powerful solidness. like platinum.

he said something that made me feel amazing. "something interesting was said about you, london referred to you as his muse… if this is the case, a man like him saying that about you… you must be special". i was amazed. perhaps london and i… our love runs deeper than most will understand. austin could see this, immediately.

i arrived at work weary and somehow thought a locked door was locked… trish came downstairs and helped me in, even though i could've just walked in the door myself. the place was a wreck and i tried to get there early, but i only made it by ten minutes, which technicaly is still late. i could feel an eerie quiet. it just didn't feel right.  the trail that was left behind was so bad. i walked to put my bike out back and noticed that london had left his glass and cigar on the counter. i could smell the sour… his leather jacket and hat placed neatly on the chair beside his. trish gathered a few lost things, a cell phone and an earring. his station was spilled over everywhere, his name plate on the floor.

i sat down and discussed my horrid feeling, my hand on my heart. i became so overwhelmingly upset, and frustrated. this can't be happening. for some reason i assumed the worse, i could picture the remainder of my life without him. i didn't want to see this life anymore. i slowly walked out back and tried to put together more of the pieces, somehow i stayed so calm. almost tranquilized. i walked to the edge of the porch and knelt down, into the fettle position and began to cry. "please don't take him from me yet, not yet." i cried and prayed, open my eyes to see my guitar pick… reality is negotiable. yes, yes indeed every second of it is…

she came out to see me, "you have a client". i know she had to have been a bit confused, but so was i. i could picture losing him, it hurt too much. i was begging, not yet. 

i thought about so much and fear took over. 

life without london. wow how that would shift a few things around. i was able to compose myself enough to give so much away to my clients today. 

the first one was a passionate woman, but her looks did not match her. she seemed just tired and malnourished, I'm not sure. her hair was thin and gray, her complexion as nice, but very bland. she was immediately in love with me… but i could sense that she needed me, so i fought through all my emotion and tried to focus. it wasn't about the hair, it was about the conversation. the next girl was one of london's clients, her hair was so textured and thick that i couldn't even imagine that i could get the outcome i was able to achieve. it took so much time and effort, but the end result was very straingt, i may have taken a bit much from the cut, but her hair was so damaged.she was in high school and after some short conversation, i wasn't engaged anymore and couldn't interest her with a story. i didn't feel like talking about anything, i guess i could've utilized my time better?

we got the call that london was alive and was going to skip work… i couldn't have pictured seeing him anyway.

i placed his hat and coat up on his hanger, to keep it all alive and organized. i tried to focus on my day and be happy and positive, but i couldn't so well. tami came back today and between her and dori's negative energy, i was exhausted and over hearing about it.

i wonder what is really bothering them? is this life just not enough for them to be happy?

i fell asleep sitting up on the porch today, it was cold, so i sat in the most sunshine i could find, napping for about an hour. 

my last haircut was nice, a guy who is a repeat. he's cute, older and probably very successful, he asked to hang out sometime. i dunno, i say no at first usually to try and prevent it from being harder to say no later. this is why only gay relationships with men are possible with me. its all the commitment and love i can handle.

i try and get out of there, but i feel gilty for leaving, but i think nine hours in a salon is enough. this is a "job"

i catch the end of a sunset and get home just in time to eat with oliver and andrew. they have been cooking the most delicious vegetarian meals lately and I'm thankful they share.

feeling drained and stoned, i sat on the couch and watched two "chick flicks"... someimtes its just inevitable. both being cute, the second was a good depiction of how traveling the country is like. seeing a few land marks and sights that i have seen before. 

i still can't believe that we pulled something like that off.. and so gracefully. i regret not having more fun… but i am just so melodramatic that you can't tell my emotions, i have a poker face of champions. the still silhouette of my emotion will come in handy more in the furute. i regret very few things.

all of this is a dream with in a dream.

its as if i've been here all along,

only the time has changed

and an era has come and gone.

very impressed. he kept running around in my mind. i wonder if he'll be a staple or a fad.

I'm going to guess the latter.

either way, i want to stare into his eyes again.

i wasnt planning on this 

he wasn't supposed to appear so soon

and now i must cut ties.

tightening the strings for just one more time, 

one more time to experience his song…

his dream, within my dream.

fifty.four.

before i even came to terms what was happening… it had already happened.

i woke up so early, had to be at the salon by 8am and that was tough. i listened to ichymane and got myself in the right mind set to deal with a fashion show. the ride was quite and peaceful, something about sunday morning is so… romantic.

the chaos arrived around eight thirty, several girls to get ready. they were all very beautiful, we found unigue styles for all of them. they is what i came to california to do… and somehow things just weren't coming together with her hair. its like i wasn't inspired, i did talk about myself probably too much…but they seem to genuinly want to hear about the crazy road trip.

austin was sitting in london's chair… he styled his hair like a cherub, he really is an angel.

the show time snuck up on us and we headed over the the art thearte on 4th. it was a cool venue, i would love to see a show, maybe even a picture show… i prefer music.

i couldn't help but to notice when he walked by me. i could feel his eyes, i wanted to sit and talk to him. the show was really unorganized but overall it was a fun event. it gave us time as a salon to bond and come together… the after party was exciting, i was so glad that we did that. it was a safe place to just party and hang out… london gave me ecstasy. i haven't done it in almost a year, seems the spring is always a good time to "clear" the mental space. i can feel feelings again, sometimes it takes just a little natural high to push you down a mountainside.

i immediately was drawn to his presence. i walked over to get a drink with him.. maybe some food, talk about his hair. somehow… so quickly, we were sitting side by side and everyone began to notice and comment on how engaged we were with each other… 48% of us needed to keep our sunglasses on. i loved looking into his eyes and feeling the ease that was his… body. you could say that it was love at first sight, except it has nothing to do with love yet. 

i like where he comes from, his past seems calm but emotional, he seems spiritual… enough about that. i need to escape to the present. i need to learn to not over analyze, as fun as it my be.

consume your time with… art. i couldn't seem to be able to grasp the beauty in all of this "trip".

i was so thankful that ali came to hang out with me, she is such a love of mine. perfect timing, ian went out of town and now we can be best friends again,,, sleepover! she was laughing at my state of body and mind, my pupils told the story. i wanted the night to last a lot longer, but he had to head off to practice with the band. ali and i had a light dinnder at a cafe close by. it was the most visually appealing place, like an indoor outdoor cafe. the food was amazing but i wasn't able to eat. i just kept drinking water, maybe too much… too much of a good thing. we rode home together and that was so lovely, it gets old only relying on yourself. i need to help of others right now. i prayed for someone like him.. 

I'm just not ready to let go yet.

i want to paint about it, but I'm so tired. what a shame to waste this collidacolors source of creativity. but my brain is exhausted and i am anxious for the future.i love this life.

fifty.three.

i had to get up really early, or what seemed very early to go to a meeting. it seemed early yesterday… i got ready quickly, sleeping until the very last minute. my ride to work was windy and a bit chiller than i had expected, i was so tired. i keep staying up too late and drinking too much for the events that i have to perform in the morning.  a lot of the staff was late for the meeting… we covered what was expected of us and how the events of sunday would take place. also how we needed to have everything cleaned… i had a slow day. not that many clients.. the other girls had a few walk ins. one men's haircut, the rest of the time i was trying to find things to do to stay busy. i spent some time online, but i was just so bored and tired of being stuck in that business. i can see that full time is going to make me insane. i managed to get out of there early… i had made plans with jason earlier in the week to go to church. i didn't want to cancel with him. it was pleasant to just leave… all the salon negativity and chaos behind, biking back to the sea during the sunlight. 

i changed a few times, trying to stay comfortable but fancy, a maxi skirt will do just fine. i call him, let him know I'm ready, trying not to make him wait. this is already a fragile situation, he hardly knows me and he's picking me up to go to church. when he arrives, I'm surprised by his vehicle, and his politeness. our conversation flows nicely… he is probably surprised by my confidence… i don't know. we go to chronic tacos… its fast and  close by. we catch up for a few minutes while eating, "you like sports?" no…. 

the church isn't as i had expected, it reminded me of familiar placees… big stage, bright pretty colors, very new. they serve coffee… that you can't take inside though.

the crowd is older than i expected as well. singing a bit, I'm bored with the band.

its' all very bland and safe, but that is comforting in itself.

the sermon is odd and i am convinced he is preaching to me. the preacher decided to extend the series on revelations… the book that for tells the future. this books gets me, i read it when i was too young, i remember a sermon that mr. tom preached on the matter and i decided to take it a step further while i was reading left behind. all this was too real for me, to be that young and already begin worry about mankind. all of mankind just disappearing… that is left? all the beautiful, good people? no… hell is left once all of the saved are taken.

i listen to the sermon well, taking notes… its worth remembering and writing about. I'm not going to worry about this "event" anymore, there is no telling when that time will come.

our talk on the way home was refreshing, talking about the sermon and how both of us felt. we have similar views about society, how the breakdown of revelations is beginning… it has already begun. i try not to startle him too much with my craziness…but at least he understands the relevance.

i go home and i am immediately greeted by people waiting by the gate to see my roommates, i assume these are the guest for the cookout. i am sure that i have met a few of them before. its nice to come home to things happening, I'm very thankful that they allow me to join them in all their festivities. dinner is lovely, i don't eat enough and i somehow drink too much. walking around with a coffee mug.. water and whiskey. you an smell it, guess that means its too strong. the guys are really curious about me… one guy in particular who just got saved. he said i have such a calming energy… "its like a slap in the face". i believe is how he described it… a "gyspy or hippie" yea…. i am able to get to know them some more, other guys that i had just met only once, rex and miguel, i wanted to get to know them more. interesting couple. god seems to be the topic, thats how it usually is for me now.

i was thankful that we watched some of the critters videos, now the songs are stuck in my head again. he is beautiful, and gay guys love him. they said the songs were catchy and daniel even chimed in that i was the most organized in the group… i think that if we just stay on the same page for as long as possible… we can make things happen. 

he is just so "charming". the handsome devil. 

i spend some time getting high… on the porch. this is where i was able to get a bit "deep" with my thoughts. i wasn't able to record many of them before falling asleep. i just know that i like to convince people or sell things when I'm drunk… i tried selling yoga and religion last night. i think it makes all the difference. like tom said… "there has to be more to life than just waking up and going to work.."

fifty.two.

journal recap, one year ago:

today i wake up thinking about sterling, wish he was beside me. i wanted to feel a human inside me… beside me, this morning. i wanted him. work… saw joey in his green neon polo walking into work.. why must i always be reminded of him? everyday. he has done something with my mind. hurried through work, good day. ready for music. i was stuck on the arctic monkeys in november. i think i discovered them right around tonsil surgery time… stuck on them. best most sarcastic lyrics. so witty & devilish. so real & blunt. his voice. the change in tempo and extremeness. oh yea. and they are from the uk. i was so stuck right before joey blew my mind with trippy drugged out naked and famous. he didn't like the arctic monkeys.. but the black keys tonight. wow. i can't believe i saw those two artist in one place… so amazing. the lights where phenomenal. they really thought all of them out well … i remember  the night i walked upstairs and he was listening to el camino, it was the day the album was released… december. so good, surround sound. he was painting. i fell in love. to hear it live tonight. tops off all my past with the black keys. sex to their music. yes. "run right back to her"… that one is true. the music tonight makes me feel badass. like i could accomplish anything. drive across the county, seduce the lead singer… be stunning and fabulous. i want to see them again. those dirty british boys. oh how shall i meet you? go to the uk of course. sign me up. i need to work for a job that sends me places. dear lord. please send me traveling, capturing the beauty that is our earth that you created yourself. i want to enjoy the beauty.

i should be sleeping.

getting up this morning was much easier. the day was so long that waking up seemed like ages ago. thats a good day though, getting things accomplished. i wore a fun outfit today, striped top, and my bleached acid wash jeans… they have seen some fun times. brown and black, i break the rules. a coach bag and a pair of black suede penny loafers. 

my ride to work was nice, but i was "just"on time. barely making it at ten. i used to be on time, yes this is true..and i used to do things around the salon, only a few months and I'm already bored and tired. i am very sorry for this… but it is how i feel. i get to spend time with ian this morning, it was nice cutting his hair, he is a good guy. i have to give him that one. then i had a break to spend time with shannon and dori's client. her name was christine, she reminded me of someone i have met before… beautiful woman. i wanted to makeover her red, but she sparked an interest in me. god had mysterious plans… the unravel each moment. another client of mine was just tall and lovely, a lawyer. she seemed serious, but i could see in her eyes that she was once lively woman. her hair was fine, i gave her a nice cut… and she reassured me that i was living life to the fullest. giving me advice. the thing about califonia… there are so many people that you are never sure if you'll meet the same one again. i get bored and wander down the street to spend time with niya at her shop. i enjoy her company… and her little boutique attached to the coffee shop. its just a perfect location. and my goodness that girl works hard. we are twenty five and sat and giggled over boys for an hour… so many to choose from. i'll be dreaming about the same one for awhile.

she made me the perfect drink.. half coffee/half chi tea and some cream… mmmm. the chiya. then we went to have shots at reno… whiskey and a dash of water. the sugar keeps me going, the alcohol takes the edge off the day. i need to be back and work, i can feel it. they are having a meeting outside and i walk in just in time.. "want to be a platform artist for the fashion show?" sure. i've always wanted that. then i had a walk in this evening, i was glad i took her. i tried to make her hair the best as possible, her husband is sick and she just needed a break. it's almost like we are doctors… chemist… healers of sorts. london once again called me his muse. and starts to laugh when i tell him that i will live in a castle. i wait for this day… and i'll have him as part of my life… along with all my friends. dreams.. i was ready to leave, tired and i still had to bike home. but i regret not staying…. but after fitting in a men's haircut and a color, i was just ready to go and be done. but it wasn't fair to leave claudia there for so long by herself, hopefully she was okay. i just didn't think about her so much earlier…it wasn't til i dwelled about it. i wanted to come home and paint. this girl… the blood..  her naked, raw self asking for forgiveness. she is not good enough.

i want her to look real… my creations piss me off.

i wash my broken out face, but i am going to be okay.

oh, i almost forgot…right before the shot of whiskey, jason called me. invited me to church. i was sure that i couldn't make it, but i think somehow i will make it work. somehow…all things work out.

and my painting is mediocre because something else has to be better about me i suppose.

these dreams? they tell the future. do they? or do they just help me cope with the past, to prepare for what is to come.

i pray that he keeps me safe.

fifty.one.

he shed his blood for me. the least i can do is be thankful.

i woke up late and couldn't get motivated. this seems to be the trend the last few days.. not much motivation.

i was able to get ready… but not in a timely manner. my face is acting up and that makes me stare in the mirror longer… takes up too much time.

i don't have much motivation with clothes.. they bore me today. i wear things that are comfortable, clothes that have been around for awhile. the sun is out and it is going to be a beautiful day in california. my ride to work is nice, the wind is blowing just a little bit. i can feel that i am tired, drained even.. my legs are sore. i start to think too much, i try and stay in the present… but i can't. i become overwhelmed with thoughts.. maybe mainly of dad, and i began to cry. its a lot more difficult to cry and ride a bike. the tears are always followed with laughter with how silly i am… that i let the guys landscaping see me cry like that.

i get to work and it is immediate chaos, i try and smile and get my bike up the stairs without anyone noticing the tears.

i am able to disguise things well.. and no one really cares.

my first client is a repeat, i don't know why i am immediately upset with her. looking back now.. i feel some remorse with not connecting with her. i am sure she may have had something to teach me, but instead i stayed very distant. her color didn't turn out how i had expected… not far from it, but not what she really wanted either. i was just frustrated with the fact that we didn't really have anything in common. i was very frustrated and overwhelmed with my own made up nonsense… that i couldn't even begin to relate to her life. the color seemed like it lasted for days, it was only four hours.

afterwards i was so excited to leave the salon and walk down the street.. all the way to olives. i haven't walked this far , but i was thankful for the adventure. i can see myself becoming a regular here.. their salad bar looked good. london chose our pizza and we had a few vegetables as sides. sitting outside and looking around, i was very quiet. i don't' say much, and usually what comes out is just a mess and seems harsh. i am thankful that he can read me and understands what i am going through. he is a very comforting soul, he knows this. like he said "a lot of people become obsessed with him." i tend to have a similar effect. imagine us, together.

our lunch was quick and he expressed how he has wanted to do this for a long time. his excitement is subtle, i suppose that is part of the beauty.

we get back and go our separate ways, i explore some and write. then i get a walk in, she is another repeat. i enjoy this woman. she reminds me of aunt kathy and i am very thankful. she decided to get her color done, i am very thankful for this and try and take the time with her.  i connect much better… my ride home was nice. it was a bit chilly and breezy.. i go to rite aid to get a note pad and liquor. i end up getting shaving creme as well because there is a good sale. johnny walker whiskey scotch is also on sale.. the cashier is concerned with my young appearance, we laugh it off.. she gets distracted and I'm not sure that i was rung up right, but i think i only paid fifteen dollars for everything… 

i go home and immediately start to paint and drink. i needed to get some things out on paper.. my usual naked girl, but this time is has a lot more detail. i make a nice skin color and get a buzz and trail through the book.. painting over all the penciled characters. i wish i would've slowed down and paid more attention to detail, but this is why i was drinking.. so i wouldn't hold back. i have the vision and i am beginning to be able to create a similar outcome. i am very blessed to be able to paint, this is what grounds me, allows me to meditate, and create something that is permanent. i make some beans, as i am not very hungry. i think i am going to start eating a very small dinner and just having a few drinks… writing and sketching and stretching. that is what spring will be for me. creating art. figures that are a bit quirky and recreated, they must have more emotion.. more edge.

i wander out to get water and end up watching a very interesting documentary about social interaction with daniel and ian. it opens my eyes to a few things, makes me realize that not everyone was loved the way that i was. my parents loved me and taught me all the basics to build a good foundation for my adulthood. i know how to hold people and care for them. i know how to give them things that they want.. just by talking. 

this is dangerous and exhausting, but it is something that i was blessed with.

so strange indeed that is reminds me of how persuasive i can be… i feel like i can get away with anything.. but that is indeed not the case.

fifty.

quite the turn around. i couldn't grasp what this day was calling from me for awhile. i woke up and was motivated enough to go to yoga by the park. kaite got me going with texts from a chinese year book. she sent me pictures of the pages of her career, which is true and suited her. then she sent me pics of my traits, my best fitting jobs and also… that harry and i would never work.

a horse and a rabbit? not a pair.

this really got to me. it almost made me cry. i think that it is the exact feeling that i needed for the day. complete human failure. the worldly pleasures i was putting too much into. i think that i am too much. i must step away now.

the guy that i placed my mat beside sparked a quick interest in me. it was nothing in particular, just maybe the interest in his eyes. i tried to focus but was so dizzy with regret for even opening up to harry… that i was all over the place. then i noticed the guy had isaiah 40:31 and 1:17 tattooed on his calf. i thought about this and was very anxious to look them up.. i need something, anything and this seemed too obvious, too easy.

they were exactly what i needed to hear. keeping going, those of the lord will rise up like eagles… and learn to do well.

this is what i must keep doing, the self doubt has to end. i told him i needed those scriptures in my day, this started our conversation. i didn't waste much time, neither did he. he asked for my number.. then he said something every strange.. "you look like you have a different way of spelling your name.." how did he know? we had a bit of small talk, i felt that need to hurry off as usual, but not before i asked him if he had found a church in the area… i think we might go on saturday evening.

i was glad for this and we biked off separate ways. jason.

i went for ride to the loft to get a massage with jeanette, i am raised and very tight in my shoulders.. all the weight. i am trying to just relax and breathe and focus on positive, but I'm having so much difficulty. 

the ride home is nice, I'm just glad that the sun is out. I'm getting bored with all of it, isn't that sad? only a few weeks in and i already want more. typical.

i eat a small lunch and write, then i need to take a nap. it was very unfortunate that i skipped all of my activity with ali, i must have been out of it.. i didn't hear her call. my dreams again here odd, i was at an airport leaving and i brought a wine glass with me, left it sitting on the stairs and ali came to get it.. and my dad was there watching the sunset… but it was so stunning and gone in an instant. 

i guess i needed to escape the world with dreaming, i was just so over my mood. i forced myself to eat.. very plain food that is healthy. i feel so gross and bloated that i don't' even want to eat. the sunset is a vibrant pink, i sit and admire all the lights… the boats, the bay of long beach. i don't find peace here… i bike to yoga, it is a nice quiet ride. the entire time i am still obsessing about the day. i reflect on my phone conversation with shell.. "what do you want?" and then i have to balance that with… what i actually need… and then god's plan for me.

restorative yoga is where i belong for the evening. it is time to detox myself of all the toxins that are holding me back, that are keeping me introverted and making me feel disgusting. i just need a clean start, a reset. this class helped. her voice was calm and desirable, like she knew something that we didn't. as usual she asked how to pronounce my name… "its as if mom knew that it would spark instant curiosity".

she guided us through a very still class, one where you had plenty of time to breath and think. i opened up my shoulders and back… resting in almost bearable positions. trying to mediate and be only there, in the moment.

i biked home and snacked… then i had to renew myself. i made a sugar scrub and cleansed myself, painted my nails… the coconut oil releived some tension.

i had a moment where i missed the summer girls.. susie and lindsey. they are such beautiful women, they cross my mind every so often. i miss their love and support greatly.. i guess that is why i am so sad… my support system is so very far away. 

i decided to watch a sermon. i needed to hear the gospel and change up my perspective. i know that where i am headed is for good, otherwise… how could it be so wonderful. nothing in my life is bad… i have a comfortable place to live, my best friend is down the street. i live downtown in a city in california, seriously? what am i complaining about? i need love.

it is a sermon on assured faith… how you will not love the world if you do not love the father. if you can love the father, you can love the world. john 2:15

i can relate to this, i understand it. i have grown bitter to the world, but that is a sin, i need to get over my depressed state and rejoice in what god has given me. yes, he took away my friends, my comfort, my family… but he is going to give me so much in the future, that i should not be upset and long for these things…i can give them up here on earth, for i know that i will have all of it in heaven.

the brighter side of life is what i am experiencing, even with in my sorrow… i have to smile with what i have been given.

i need to set aside my idols (harry) and move on to more faith.

if i keep my faith in god, he will give me what i need. he will grant my wishes true, and i will find happiness. i need to not be so passive… not anymore. i need to claw and shatter glass, make a statement, make a noise… for i am not the quiet soul that you may mistake me to be. i am a child of god. 

forty.nine.

the day is sad. i had terrible dreams last night, ones that i woke up remembering very clearly. they were tragic, things in the world were not good. the oil rigs in long beach were on fire, and it was time to go.

other strange things were taking place as well.

rachel vancuren was dating ashton hewitt. what if i still love him?

or does it symbolize letting the past take its toll.. and to let it go. i am not involved anymore.

harry was there wondering around . he is alway there.

i am a startled and woken quickly by the construction guys, they need to be let in to in to check out the apartment, the renovations will take place next month, they are going to be tearing a bunch of holes in our walls… great.

the overall tone is sad… i start my period and then call mom. i love that i can talk to her for awhile at the end of her work day, just as mine is beginning. i miss her too much to be this far away. remember, this is only temporary. 

i do laungdy and cook myself a good lunch, i had all intentions of running with ali, but instead we take syd on a walk to the market and buy a bunch of cake. i get vegetable, i'm planning on a slight veggie diet. i think i might make some juice. ali makes dinner and i hang out and watch videos of the coat hangers. i ruined my connections with them, of well. star stuck? nope, i just went and threw up in the hotel room instead.

they are just awesome quirky girls that i knew once. julia liked my hair and oh so quickly gave me her number… huh.

i uploaded some video online that i found on my phone.

i am upset with a lot of things right now. i just feel so frustrated. i want to smash and break things, i want to tear them down and shatter glass. i want to hold human flesh near but i know that this is my life. the life of solitude, for a long long time.

i have dinner with ian and daniel, i contemplate heavy drinking, no… just a sip, in a glass. something to ease the pain and lighten me up a bit. this serious side is a drag. i need to lighten up.

i fall asleep watching the new version of the lorax by dr. seuss.

the colors are pretty and it reminds me of the vhs rentals that we used to get as a child.

i tell mom about this book… i try and ignore all the signs of the day. 

i am blind now and can't' see the words… i need to research a few artist.

i don't want to believe that i am psychic. i want to just believe that i have siked myself out and that we are all…. can i see the future?

we are doomed.

not we…. but the world. the earthly world is done.

what more is there? does any of this even matter? i can't see how it can keep going.

forty.eight.

i was too comfortable to want to get up this morning… this air mattress holds me in its grasp. the morning is cloudy and cool again… another early spring day. i am supposed to go to class with dori, she woke up late and i didn't hear from her for awhile. i got ready, didn't feel like dressing up…it felt like a lazy day. i was glad to mix up the schedule though, and skip a few hours of work. the class was informative, but i don't really have much desire for doing the brazilian blowouts.. even though the money sounds nice. i eat too many sweets and drink an abundance of coffee… my stomach was upset about it all day. i wasn't at all the impressed and slightly bored. dori takes me home and i bike to work. the salon is very quiet but there is a lot of negative energy around. lucky for me i get a high light appointment. her name is lisa and she is a very pretty girl. i have just the color for her and she ended up loving it. i talked about the band… gave her the music. i just don't know what my deal is.. does this new "vision" even count? i think so, it motivates me now. hair just doesn't do it for me anymore.. i think a tour/band manager sounds much better. it goes with my passion for change & music. I'm just very down today, upset and over california. I'm tired and i want to go back home.. and just prepare for summer. something simple… but it would be too boring now. i have spoiled myself with exploration, and it took so much to get me here, i might as well give it a chance.

I'm very experienced and people become "obsessed" as do i…

but it takes so much more now to intrigue me.

actually its near impossible.

I'm so ready to leave work… the bike ride home is calm and slow. i don't rush, it is still light out, but it is very windy. once home my roommates are so happy to see me. oliver calls me a lady bug, because he says i always provoke a smile.. but i feel so sad and drained.

the article i read today brought me back into my state of … confused sense of future. 

why do i feel such a responsibility?

i know that harry will never be able to love me. he said i was the devil. he has a point. it will do no good for either of us to be involved together. i guess now i will be thousands of miles away to mourn. i think this is the best way. 

the black and white bone earrings bring me a second of joy, i like jagged unevenness of what i am portraying. the uneasy sight of bone… i like the white one the most today. 

forty.seven.

i was feeling tired, i was going to sleep in… shell called. her excitement woke me up, she scored her dream job. it was a little after nine and i decided to just get ready for work, and try and be on time. my bike ride was nice, it was slow… but at least the sun was out. sunday morning rides are nice, its a little slower with traffic. i wore the same thing as the night before… my new blouse from bella mia and leather leggings… didn't require me to have to think too much.

i was thankful that i did show up on time. the models showed up from the fashion show rehearsal… which i could've also joined in on… but that was really early in the morning, so we know how that went… i was lucky enough to score a model to get ready, she was so beautiful and tall.. heather, her legs went on forever. and so did her hair…

we only had under an hour for hair and make.up… she was going to be wearing an elegant lace dress, and the movie was going to be on a boat.

i brainstormed and quickly decided on braids, she suggested a higher focus for the updo. i met with the designer, naira, and she was all for whatever i thought best… she really enjoyed me, asked if we had met before, huh. she looked familyar in a way that i know we have never met… in this life.

the style took me awhile and i was filmed creating it, her make.up went on fast. i started to try and channel barot with a twist of hepburn. the causal elegance of messy but intricate swept up style. we applied heavier eye make up and lips… 

i was so lucky to be able to do this hair style… thats why i love California. its the small surprises that keep things interesting. i was also asked to go on set. the day is beautiful and after lunch, pizza from long beach pizza company, we head to the marina. it is such a beautiful day for a boat ride. the boat is old and custom built in the fifties,she had so much charm and I'm sure a lot of stories. the living quarters were nice… i could see myself living somewhere like that for a little while at least, maybe.

it was a smaller boat and i was able to get some good photos before we had to head back to the salon. the designer was very excited about the opportunity to have her work photographed. i was stoked as well… the hair and clothes were very "james bond" and we were on a boat… i was glad i pulled the hair back, she just had too much if it was to be out and flowing around. 

going back to the salon, i was ready to leave now that i had gotten out. since it is a sunday and st. patricks day… they decided to close and we could go home. i wasn't sure how to feel about this, i have a hard time leaving work, but i was also so grateful to be able to bike home in the light, with the warmth of the afternoon. i called ali and woke her from her nap, "lets hang out!" of course. i went home to change and chat with daniel about the night before… he couldn't believe it took me that long to make it to alex's bar "totally my scene". and then i walked to ali. we grilled out on the patio… as soon as i show up, ian's friend alex is amazed at my "social media travels". yes… I'm also at a beach, all over the world. i don't think i posted a san fran bridge one now that i think about it… i need to be making books asap.

i laughed and didn't know what to say really… i travel a lot, and yes, i do work… sometimes….on a boat.

i had my hat and sunglasses on, that is what makes me feel comfortable in the sun… ali and i sitting on the porch in califonia, drinking champagne and wearing big hats. we reminincse on hair school and then laugh because we, and our eighteen year old selves… never thought we would be "here". they would not have believed us… a single bit. but I'm glad we are here.

i hope that is how my whole life is… segments of "i can't believe this". so far so good.

i walked home and chatted with mom to retrieve avocados from my place before dinner… then we didn't use them. ian grilled and we ate an amazing ali creation quesidilla, my favorite.

the sunset was pretty and it gets really cold at this time of year at night. i didn't stay too late… i was tired, worn out from the day. i decided to blow everyone off that wanted to hang out… I'm not that social some times. i walked home and fell alsseep after eating some cereal. i didn't write much, or do much of anything. i was lucky i washed my face. i wish i could've remembered at least my dreams… but i was too busy living them out during the day. 

forty.six.

time.

today the lessons are present and it teaches me. the boring is okay, i actually accomplished a lot. this is going to be fun if i can just keep up with everything. 

its the present moment.

i woke up and had to be quick, having a ten am appointment made me move faster. 

the ride was cool and cloudy, fog taking over for most of the morning. strange conditions. i listen to other music, something different. 

then i learn that things don't always happen as planned. i was so happy to see london this morning. you could say i am in love with him. he is a comfort of sorts.

you can seal your own fate. unless you what it to leak… critters

the beatles.

the circus show of what we will create. if we want to make this happen. i saw a picture of what could be tonight. i needed to see that. 

i had many clients today, it was good for a saturday. i needed to spend money… makes me feel good. even though i have, nothing. 

gee golly… you went rock & roll and forgot me.

its the worst and least of my problems.

i was glad to style wedding hair, she was from michigan. she felt like a real person, well… everyone is here. those that miss youth i think are hard to relate to right now. but i am well on my way.

i hope I'm busy enough to not worry with how i look.

that is the goal. to be so… powerful. who worries with looks, its something that i will prepare for.

the rambling continues. 

i hear and see all the things that i am so vibrantly aware of now. since i am not really a part of society at times. i want to be let back in… some.

i was able to relate with people ok.. kinda.

i think i learned that i should sell stella & dot jewelry… but i should just take it slow. i am in no rush. 

i need a new fix

please god, thank you. fix me

i was so happy at work, but i did accomplish a lot, while staying quietly present. i escaped for an hour to see niya at bella mia. i like her, she reminds me of melissa, nate's wife.

its a weird world that i am in.

such a waste? 

but my first client was off, i couldn't relate and his energy wasn't good. i wasn't sure how to feel about him… my second men's haircut was nice. i just want to be out and learning. i liked killing time with her. its just fun. and i think i have a chance here. 

style.

then to music.

after having a gay guy say "i do" because he was happy with how he looked after a haircut.

I'm in the right place. its a lovely day.

exactly what i need, he'll be a good client.

i bought a new crazy color blouse, something special, i'll wear it a lot.

i had so many wardrobe ideas, but she was too overwhelmed.

trains.

its a lot to take in. think about it.

found bands that i wanted to see, i absolutely needed live music tonight. i so needed to feel something. the first band was boring, a good consistent sound. "but what were they so excited about?" well i like it… for a few songs.

the venue is exactly what i dreamed it to be. its where they will be playing. 

its the perfect back drop. i am so excited for this…

we were 83 & 84. the last to be let in, just in time "that was weird". 

we were supposed to be here, i have no time to waste. i have to use every moment to my advantage. tonight was like a trial, and it also showed me a packed place.

the second band made me feel. they made me think.

it was something that i needed.

something that i will look forward to with ali.

i can see this being a regular place, we need more. i'll give you more.

the third band was good, but veery chaotic, like a crazy punk band. nice to jump around to … we took pictures. why not.

now we have to get two photos each time that we go.

and we should just keep opposite ones… then we can catch up

we look pretty in those photos. photo booth type.

buying a cd from sean & zandar. its good music. i'll share it will the guys… and then i will be…. balanced. what am i doing? this is a good idea to leave before it gets crazy. robbie picks us up… he is such a happy man. a white haired guy who's been in long beach for 23 years, he said its like an addiction. once you get a taste. there is a lot to like, i can agree. he said our friendship was real. it was such a good night…. i didn't want it to end. but i'll have it again. biking home i thought about my day, seeing the swaying palms. I'm really in california? just hanging out… this is 

i am so thankful. 

found this on my sister leanne's blog

Broken Skulls

I don't want your self-less thoughts. They mean nothing to me unspoken.  Don't you understand that I can't feel those thoughts. Because they are merely thoughts.  I can't sense them.  I cannot hear them in your voice. I can't read them in your writing.  Why do you keep these thoughts contained by your skull?  Why even think them if you just hide behind a blank expression?  I want to hold these thoughts, memorizing them, fantasizing about their futures.  I want to break the skull and let the thoughts run as free as the pulsing blood from your harshly contained brain.  You are waiting for me to have the capability to read your mind. But I don't even know to try.  What isn't said, just isn't.  It isn't being, it isn't happening.  It is just an invisible cloud of thought, so untouchable.  No matter what the thought contains, it means nothing to me, it doesn't even exist to me.  Try and exist. Do this for me, do not be so self-less.  You're happiness matters. It matters to me.  What if I want the same as you?  Why hold back, when we could have it all.  For once, please break the skull.

forty.five

curiosity killed that cat. i think that you hear all the right things everyday… 

falling asleep and not setting an alarm will get you out of bed fast, thats for sure.

i got ready quick, the morning was foggy and seemed cold. it was a damp humid day… everyone says the weather is being so strange here. i listen to the usual music… octyodimetric. just like it sounds.. the ride is quick and its a bland morning. i have a few clients today, mika is a cool guy… and he has great blue eyes, a skater from ohio. he really likes long beach, you can tell he has some kind of attachment here, which is good. i like to see that. most of the people that are here, came here from some far away place.  its such a stange world, but my day worked out well. i was able to take a walk in color and then my love came to see me. mrs. ali… skated over. she is my favorite client ever and she is so pretty. her color turned out beautiful, then we went to the sex shop down the street, ha. reminded me of luxury… where i day dreamed the whole time. now i dream to be there. it was comical, story of our lives. 

i talked to shell this morning and we get each other amped as usual. if you are going to run a business you have to communicate and be each other's inspiration throughout the days. its like we need each other, but we are on opposite ends of the earth. its how this life is working out.

i love my corner, though it is a bit dark, you make it work. the involvement is what i am needing an improvement on. i will miss a few things by being gone, but that is what i do. i leave and miss things… for other things... that no one will ever understand. 

my life. no one will ever understand. and i love her so much.

 though i am aging very quickly and i no longer want to look at myself in natural light. i am very… hairy. and my skin creases now… its not that i don't like age, its just the actual breaking down of cells. i will miss my youth, i already do. the early twenties were unbelievable. i hardly can recall the …. wild young girl.

but now it is time to be real. it is real. i bike home and eat a good dinner. i spend no money and enjoy my alone time. i reflect on the day and my impulse decisions, but sometimes i feel no need to wait. he is patient. he is kind… 

i email harry about the plan. i am being very serious about this and i believe that with some work and diligence, i have to have faith in myself. i am a beautiful creature that i am very excited about getting to know.  

forty.four.

I'm glad i went outside. this day was magical in so many ways.

i woke up to a lot of fog, my late night made me sleepy…

it wasn't as hard to get up, but i wasn't' exactly motivated to get to work. i was excited that i would see london… 

my ride to work was nice, sunny and not too cold. i smiled and listened to the boys sing their rap songs. once at work.. i could tell the day would be slow. i chatted with susie, i miss being beside her. she is such a stable figure that I'm glad that she is over in the corner, to keep the balance. i talked with her about home, its important to understand where i came from, even if they don't remember… they understand me a bit better. explains why i am.. the way i am. 

"someone you'd admire - fleet foxes"

you had no idea what you were getting into … did you?

my day was slow.. but i used my mind. i learned about music and also got a few things done, a lot of thinking time. i needed to talk about my future and start to make a few changes, adjustments to get me closer to my future goals. 

they are very clear… i talked to robert about my plan, my plan on getting the salon involved with more music, bringing people together. he agreed and got me a bit more excited. he also agreed to use one of the bands songs for the commercial. i don't even remember how it came about… but summer liked it, and i sat with dori on the couch and listened to ichymane, which was hilarious and oh so fun. i talked to tupper and shell about it… together. its funny how fast they called when i tossed the idea to them… thats all you need. is some inspiration. i see with time here, i can figure out this town. i can learn the spots and get to know some of the people, just by becoming a regular. i'll be figuring my footing soon. i just hope that i can produce. i think with unity and time we can make this happen, as long as we all get on the same page and work together. i was very inspired and looked on craigslist and found a few jobs in television and music… these are things i will explore farther in my future. all of it overwhelmed me and excited me… i could hardly contain my thoughts. i was so ambitious on my ride home i turned down a street too early and took another path… listening to some new music that i discovered. i hate that people use the word obsessed, its not like that at all. its a spark of interest that i want to explore.

i don't know why i keep having these discussions… these moments, i suppose i bring them on myself. but the horns, that is where we are going with music. 1947.

i was glad i joined the guys to smoke on the porch, i knew that i needed to be social. i honestly love them so much that i enjoy all the inspiration and support that they are able to give me… 

its cold on the porch and we stay out there for awhile chatting. we discuss real things, not just small talk. i think that is why god may alcohol, sometimes it takes down barriers… I'm glad that i drink red wine.

we learned a lot about each other; i received a few answers that i needed. to complete and tell me that this is that right path. all the signs, all the conversations are bringing me towards this bigger picture of what my life will become. 

i am ok with dying. i know that i will not die because i have such a long purposeful life ahead me, i must. i must push so much harder than i will know…. i have to have faith in what i believe in. digging down into the ground for safety will get you know where and as a child i always knew that i would be doing crazy crazy life changing things.

the purpose is big.

i did a business plan yesterday and was able to type it out today, shell and tupper said they were down, that is the first step. i think it took those several years… 2009 is where i started, its where i realized that i was more than just sitting in a house being happy, i was supposed to be going, and doing constantly. towards a creative movement.

the conversation with daniel and ian exceeded into the morning… half way through the month of march, and we are discussing world change. are we the only ones? i hope not… but i know our society, we dont accept things. ever.

i know that i am going to change our world, if i wasn't so crazy i could realize that i could just live a life that is still and slow and pleasant, but instead i am trying to make the impossible… possible.

forty.three.

my days off leave me with lots of options, except with no money… its harder to do things. i lay in bed and listen to all the loud noise outside,,, a guy yells, "we are shutting off the water for a few hours.." ok, ok, I'm up. i get ready and debate which studio to visit for yoga this morning… i think i'll go outside. the day is beautiful and sunny… and the breeze feels like spring. i haven't been to yoga at the park in a while, it was my only place of peace for a few days when i first arrived. i took my place and laid in the sun for awhile, just enjoying the peace. the simple beauty of earth, all the things in life that are given to us daily. we just choose to take advantage of them. she instructs us through our practice as we face the solar power… we ask for more love. i try and quiet my mind, but it is doing its usual fast traveling, thinking about too many things at once that i notice I'm not breathing with any rhythm at all. i try and concentrate, i try and think about breathing. the time goes quickly, i am able to find quiet for just a moment, that is better than none. i feel busy and don't' linger very long, this is a place i should linger… bet i could meet some amazing souls. my interovertedness gets the best of me at times… most of the time. i bike home and make a wonderful brunch, andrew is also home and we are able to spend some time together… he asks my opinion with a few of the wardrobe options for the play he is designing. we start reminicing about last summer… and all the non sense that the hound dogs created. it was a priceless time in my life that i didn't even begin to capture. he asked to see a few photos for inspiration, i always get upset when i know that i don't ever have enough. i need to stop, those days are now over… it is how i got here. we laugh at my stories, explaining the shenanigans we encountered all that time, those days… the hot summer nights out dancing with my best girlfriends, the most beautiful people on the island. the hot messes that we were… you will never know because those late nights are easily forgotten in the morning. their songs possesd us. got deep into our soul and converted us.. i know that he converted me into a new creative being. all his songs… the recycled rock and roll. you can always make it into something better.

i spent some time sitting on the balcony of our apartment, which is pretty amazing and overlooks the bay. i started to write, to create a plan of business to get these guys on tour… the difference in me and someone else… I'm driven with passion for something that i actually care about, i care about the music and its source. i don't want the money, yes.. it would be cool if it could be job… "what do we get out of it?" everything we want from it.. all the creativity and love. we get to work with our friends and travel and play music to new people and towns each night. all the steps are small… this is how you build an empire. i'll try my best to get people on the same page. the plan is simple but very detailed and important… its the money that will stop us.. we just need all the money we can get. 

i'll get my point across eventually… just a matter of time. if not, i will step back and reevaluate. it's not harry that I'm doing this for.. it just makes sense to me. looking back on childhood.. i pretended and dreamed all the time. my barbies traveled… they went on tour, they saw the world.. busy pieces of plastic. well.. i suppose they were loaded too..

i will pray more about it.

the day continues beautifully. i get to run some errands with ali, our usual shopping adventures.. whole foods, then back to her place to cook dinner. i am so thankful that we finally made it to spring, the light lingers longer and we can now sit outside without being too cold. ian sits by the grill.. ali and i sit and laugh. "girl time" all the time. "i still can't believe you moved here… i commend you" says ian out of no where.. i was just thinking the same thing. i said i was going to.. i don't' like to not do what i say… that is how i am. i couldn't have done it without their patience.. 

letting me live there for a month… its a team effort thing. it's good for all of us.. i just wish i could lighten up a bit and relax, learn to enjoy my time.

now ali and i discuss our feelings… we are in a waiting period. this is what we are doing… just waiting for the next phase of our lives. what is that phase? I'm pretty sure hers involves children. I'm pretty sure mine involves going on tour. 

forty.two.

this day i was able to sleep in, i truly like the feeling of just laying in bed. in the dark cave that is my room, i can lay in bed for awhile. i relax and listen to them drilling in the walls, the water pipe project continues. its fine, I'm able to ignore the loud sounds. i head to work to do dori's hair color, it is a frustrating formula and of course it is hard for me to concentrate, and i confuse and over think everything. i enjoy my time with her, i can see us becoming friends. i just can't seem to get the vibrant colors right. i have tea and coffee and snacks the entire time i do her hair, really my boring day was much better than a lot of days… i enjoy a lot about the place that i work.. I contemplate about selling stella and dot, is this an answer? can i get by while selling this? i don't want to be a salesperson… but i knew this journey would require me to do things… i wouldn't normally do. i listen to their music all day, its stuck in my head and i day dream about the tour and filming the whole thing. i dream about a lot and i see that this could be such a fun ride… i just don't understand why i am the way i am. such a nutty case… her hair color reminds me of blackberries and she loves it… she suffered through tears during the appointment, i guess i was too blunt, but it is just science that explains the effects on birth control. pretending your body is pregnant is going to cause your life to be a bit off.. its a hormone thing.

but she was happy in the end, i biked to the market, chatted with michelle for some of the ride. i picked up a few things then headed to ali's we sat outside and i soaked up some more unnecessary sun/ just to get a few bits of vitamin d/ its gets so cold out so quickly. i contemplate if the feelings are even real, if I'm being completely ridiculous. i just don't know my side of the story anymore, those days on the road seem so far away. i day dream all day long. i sit on her porch and just think. quietly planning out all the details of what could happen. then i bike to candlelight yoga. all my thoughts slow down in the candle lit room, the breathing and quiet of the night is what i need . just a moment for me to reconnect and see what god is all about. to feel heaven and be able to except that. i am thankful that with this practice i can slow down and breathe in something that makes sense. i feel like I'm in puerto rico or the beach again. all of it is so familiar that i can't possibly walk away now. I'm in too deep. 

forty.one.

so this day was slow. i had trouble waking up again, sleeping until nine, moving around. the darkness… but i get ready quick, wearing volcom, toms and american apparel honorable… johnny cash, oakland… just to name a few accessories. my ride to work is great, tupper released the ichymane stuff late last night i listened to it. and this morning it was the perfect soundtrack to get to work, the consistency of the soulful music. hearing the familiar voices is exactly what i am so excited about. i want people to hear them, so they did today. that is exactly what happened. i let summer listen, it was cool to hear them in the speakers (i can't seem to write fast enough, i stop to breathe awhile). i like this "it's something different." i heard this twice today. from a range of people… it's perfect music for cutting hair. its a positive movement that can be enhanced… the critters anyway. i just had a flash of the music being too vulgar, i hope not that many people listened to the vulgar stuff… but its what is happening now. so that is that. 

once london left, it was hard to be entertained. he is the reason i wanted to work there… i think i mentioned that. i listen to so much music, i love that about my life. but i was rather bored, i wanted to be doing something, but it was nice to sit still and take it all in. i used pintrest and just looked at a crazy amount of things. it was good alone time, and drank sangria all day. it was a lovely monday… boring. but oh so wonderful. i had a good client today, she has adorable curly hair and plenty of tattoos. she was quiet, i was too… i regret my lunch, cheese bread and avavcado… machi tea with almond milk i think is what upset my stomach, that or just a mix of all the unhealthiness. this country is so fucked. 

i felt that way a lot of the day, a little drained and tired, very introverted. i just want things to be better, everything needs to be more… exciting. more creative and more, feelings. sparking the flame is just the beginning. its going to be work, but all the signs came to me. if i want all that i do, i know what i want… 

so the next few months i must not buy more than $150 in clothes and i must work harder, go out one night and hand out several cards. walk around and talk more… cards cards CARDS! and i need to do another photoshoot… stella & dot parties? this one came about today as well, i think that might be something that i could benefit from, and it will introduce me to beautiful women that need their hair done. it will also help people meet… salesperson. ian said today that i was a lot more extroverted than they got from the interview. i like that i come acrosss a bit shy and quiet. but I'm far from this… I'm just over work and feel bad that i left without doing dori's hair… i had promised. but i had made plans with ali, and i wanted to ride my bike home in the light of sunset. the time change is going to be good for work. I'm going to have to pick what shifts that i will be working. its all going to work out just fine. the increase in funds and hairstyles is exactly what i need right now, then i can work on the traveling part. the making money without having to always be hands on in hair. ali and i had a grocery store date, we waited for ian but he got off late… he was bummed, he wanted to go. he's a good guy… just drives me a little crazy. our shopping adventure was good… i could've spent less, but i bought smart things, i'll go to the farmer's market tomorrow. i have to mix up the routine. i like spending time with her, she grounds me.. and helps me be here. without her i couldn't have done this so easily… smooth. we listen to the madness of ichymane and ian likes it a bit.. then i bike home after tea. its a nice night for a bike ride. i get home to the smell of wonderful food, i love it when oliver and andrew cook. it works out perfect the timing usually of us being home… i'm hardly ever here. they feed me a wonderful cauliflower and curry lentil soup that is very good. i am thankful for this and probably eat a bit too much, but i am very hungry. this is all a blessing that they help and feed me so much. i love my four boyfriends. the day is perfectly fine in that it is a bit inactive. then i hang up my fairy pictures, they are  dark and mysterious… strange and crazy all at the same time. ecsaty and seduction. that is what describes a woman… every female deserves that. i believe that. i hear his voice all day.. i get a message from harry. i stop and don't believe this at first.. it is suddenly a much  better day. i needed this, i have a bit more drive now. thank you.

hey gerrrl. I'm just giving you a shout to keep in touch. I don't want you to think I'm not getting your letters. I keep trying to write a good one but I want it to be fun and creative like you've been doing. I've really enjoyed reading them over the past few months. You have quite a knack for the surreal and existential in describing your experiences. Very psychedelic. It sounds as if you have a good grip on when the feeling of momentum builds up in life, which can be very exciting, but if it's anything like what I am talking about, it can also be frusterating because you feel like everything's moving too slow- you know what I mean? Anyway, it seems the fellow who keeps promising to hook the critters up out there keeps flaking out. I can't tell if he's just a busy man or simply unresourceful. The latter seems to be far more common in this "business" (please note quotations). I really shouldn't have expected to be able to depend on that kind of thing anyway. I digress. From the looks of your groovy facebook pictures you seem to be having a lot of fun out there and I hope you are indeed having a blast. Just try not to accidently slice open the necks of all the hunky actors like you did that one poor devil. Well... I'm not going to ramble... but i've already begun... I've done a little writing myself in the past so I really do appreciate a good heartfelt letter. Specially with the visual effects you incorporate. I usually only recieve bills and hate mail from debt collectors. At any rate... just letting you know i'm not frozen to death on the train tracks! Keep up the good work soul sister. And tell michelle to make some more damn critter videos. Or rather, ask her politely. Or you can tell her the first one and then say that I asked politely.

Yours Truly,
The: Harry Harrison
-Extraordinaire-