I skip yoga again this morning, it's too cold and raining. It's nice to talk with Ara first thing... In our sleepy voices. I fall back asleep in the comfort of my warm nest that I have created. My dreams are chaotic, I have a lot to energy to contain, to break down into sections that I can comprehend. I remember tommy being in a few segments. He promotes a certain feeling that I can't feel much otherwise. I wonder if he got the job... If he will be working at the salon when I get back. I forget to write last night, so I spend time in bed typing. I've always envisioned myself being everywhere.. Writing in all different environments. I sit now in Norfolk airport.. I'm so thankful that mom was able to take me to the airport, spending that extra hour with her is priceless. I love her more than the world. All the change is exhausting me, causing tears to fall at any moment. I cry out side and stamp my feet like a child, but this life is no different than when I was seven, packing my bags for the weekends with mimi and papa. I've always needed my double life, it's the only way I can live. I am still so very thankful that my time was extended. I was joking that there should be an app for this... I use my brain, thoughts and energy to control my reality.
Stopping to listen to the music. I sing songs out loud now... It's as if I am supposed to be singing, I can't hold it in any longer. The eccentric human that my confidence is molding me into. I woke up to a text from Kathleen, a good friend, she said that I had huge greatness ahead of me. My future is a bright tunnel of light, I'm a crawling slowly but urgently towards the light. Thank God.
all the flights went well and i was thankful for the smooth transition back to the west coast. had plenty of time to sit and think, and i was lucky enough to get a window seat and to have wonderful people sitting near me.. i should've been more social, but i was upset and exhausted and i just didn't feel like talking about it. i used the time well and wrote, listened to music and drew my winter 2013 winter clothing line. i created 9 simple pieces that can all be worn with each other in several combinations. a lot of the pieces are inspired by clothes that i already own, except now i can choose the fabric and the details of fit. i loved doing this.. i remember drawing clothes a lot when i was younger. whenever i would shop i'd be disappointed because i could never find what i was imagining. i guess that goes for much of my life. but in turn that has made what i am doing right this moment seem unreal, its like I'm just dreaming, except i already dreamed this, now I'm living it. the clouds and sky are beautiful today, seeing the country from above, weird how you can fly across it so quickly… driving is an entirely different adventure. so now i should just relax and enjoy my time here. the lovely miss ali came to pick me up, she is a wonderful friend. i struggled to get in the gate, I'm rusty at typing in the code. i was just tired and frustrated standing out in the street, locked out of my own place. it felt good to come back here.. there is a better sense of comfort now that i know i can miss it. i've learned that you have to leave something to learn to appreciate them. at least for me.. it takes me a minute to realize, but now i think i will be able to calm down and experience california. to really give it a chance, and only go home to visit for a formula of ten days every ten to twelve weeks. i think that is a good amount, i know that summer will tough. but i'm taking it one day at a time. I'm tired now and managed to use some of my adrenaline energy to write harry a letter. it has been awhile, like three weeks or so since the last one. i guess this is a one way conversation for now. I'm not exactly sure if should keep on writing… but i want to.
the future is really bright. I'm impressed with my traveling skills.. i better get used to this trek. in the next few years I'm going to be on an air plane a lot.
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