twenty.two.

waking up naturally and slowly without an alarm is a beautiful thing. i like the silence, the slow movements. i can hear the wind, but after much tossing i get out of bed to see the light. i am thankful to talk with mother first thing this morning. she is happy and cheery and i can not wait to see her in a few days. the trip here seems like another time, another world, where when i go home things will be the same… yet they will be so different. she is a constant in my world… 

lunch with the boys, legends. i eat too much and order everything on the menu. i like to have choices. the blt flatbread was wonderful and so was the macaroni. the spicy pepper sauce and green beans. i had my coffee and water. such a strange being i have become. we browse around second street.. the vans store, frozen yogurt… then to find the hat. back to seal beach. the cafe is closed… so no green tea latte. i go in to find the owners sister at the boutique, she is a beautiful lady with an accent. i am so ecstatic to have the hat, i wore it immediately. it makes me feel… french. like i am on a mission to get something and i want to stay just a bit of a mystery. that explains a lot. off to find some tools for daniel. we spend time with him in the car for an hour or so… just chatting while he waits for class. these boys amuse me, i adore them for who they are. they are exactly what i wished for. i just want the weird now. its more comfortable. 

in the evening a friend picks us up and we head to south coast plaza. this place i've already seen in a dream. i was amazed at how quiet it was… during the off season, on a late wednesady night. this is a good time to have the whole mall to yourself. every designer i could ever love.. was displayed here. it was like a museum of all my favorite things. the color, patterns and quality was that of timeless ease and effort. a few of the pieces stood out.. i want to shop around here for hours. its not enough to go just once, this is a place i would love to frequent. i want to be ahead to the time. before the fashion, to create what will be … i find a few key pieces today, all of which will last for me.. the spring season. i have a new scent that i stumbled into jo malone. i would love to make my own scent, but for now white jasmine and mint chose me. so did the tan ankle boots. i wore my hair down and felt like a french doll. one that prances around effortlessly, taking in the exploration that is my destiny. i can't hide the fact that i am bizarre anymore. so i must stand in a shadow of my former self. the evolution of what is to come. its like i was to get just a small dose of what will be in order to keep me strong. 

(excerpt from sex will save us.)

White Jasmine & Mint Cologne

This enchanting essence, inspired by a sun-drenched morning in an English country garden, perfectly captures the scent of jasmine, lily, orange flower and rose on the morning breeze. An unexpected twist of soft and sensual wild mint stimulates the senses and teases the palette in this elegant and eccentric fragrance.

         ----jo malone

i thank the heavens for days like today. the sun was so crisp and clean, inviting with a sense that light is to come. that the cold will eventually wear off and we will be able to enjoy this ocean side beach city. all of us are in this together. the changing of the seasons, the pressing matter of should i stay or should go?

i am intrigued with how quickly the scent found me. i didn't even ask, i was actually just fumbling around with random words i hadn't even planned.. and there is was. it only opens up after dusk.. and then closes by the morning. god's gift to me. the fresh smell of the flowers. the morning breeze, crisp with the chill from winter's past. i am so very blessed to live this life. i just have to take the low. that is how you keep climbing. i must continue to grow and have a passion about me. the mystery of the passion is what will excel me forward. i have a feeling, that i've met the the right people. 

its on a day like today that i see my dreams. i have been here before, i remember it well. he was there at some point with me... 

the hat hides my real self. it adds interest and protects me from the surroundings. it was one of those love at first sight moments in life that teaches you to take what you want and love. because if you pass it up... someone else will. then you spend eternity searching for what you could've had.