one.hundred.twenty.nine.

the sound of going through a car wash is what i awoke to… i was waiting for the window to break in from the pressure of water. i listened to it for awhile. spending time just tossing around. i waited until the last minute to get up… and i didn't write about the day before. it just wasn't the right time. i was excited once again for the bike ride, even though it was chilly and cloudy out. since i have to ride my bike, its nice that it is over cast in the morning, makes so that i don't sweat. (all of my entries are a mess and i haven't completed the following days in order, just when you think you have a good pattern going of order… something changes)

it was so quiet at the salon. i spent porch time and tried to write about my days but i was distracted and came in to… just wait. it was good to see niya, she looked beautiful and we sat and ate a chocolate muffin. we sat around and talked about what we were going to wear for the gallery show. i had an extension appointment in the evening and was glad to spend time with her, i just wanted to start about an hour earlier, then i would've taken my time slower… i sewed the top row in too tight i think. it was nice to spend some time with karen, hanging out and talking about life and boys (men)… and i may have said too much about ali and ian, but it is something that has been bothering me, i needed to talk about it. 

i hurried home to get ready quickly, my outfit was by far one of my favorites. i love that i can buy things years and years ago and they decide to fit so perfectly now. in LA of all places.. i am wearing clothes from all over the country. my hair began to behave perfectly… after just alitle work earlier in the day. i was scrambling around… my tan jacket with the angled shoulders… the urban outfitters "sex kitten" shirt that i choose to wear all across the country… bought it at our insane shopping spree in DC. (i regret this shopping trip…but it was so much fun) my wide leg dark trouser jeans from the consignment store in NYC while shopping with kat… my sneaker heals and stella & dot pegaus necklace. i absolutely love this piece of jewelry. it was a cool get up.. i would say LA worthy. i was ready and laid down on the bed to wait for niya. she was taking forever and i know that we were going to be really late. 

she showed up with a friend, vanessa… from peru. its funny really because she worked at cold stone right by my house a summer ago on the outer banks. its a funny thing about the outer banks… you either know about it, or you don't. just so random that of all the people niya could be friends with… she knows another girl from the obx. so wild. bad news… jordan told niya that he liked her as just a friend, which is really upsetting because she likes this kid so much. she had been crying… as he told her just a few hours ago. I'm surprised really that she pulled herself together so well. she was so pitiful, but her shoes were amazing. on our way there i was trying to find the right things to say to her… all the while, gabriel is texting me that he is headed to long beach. "funny, i'm headed to LA". he is going to be there late working just down the street with his friend mark. i play words with him… telling him that I'm not in the mood to sleep for the night. we got lost a little bit, thanks to the iPhone navigation system… and we were really late. i walked in and you could tell that it was the end of the party..  beautiful girls that don't smile were standing around. i saw one beautiful girl.. and asked her if she was one of the artist.. she was and we chatted for awhile. the artwork was good, i was inspired by a few of the pieces. we took some time looking around… but niya and vanessa didn't really take the time to look at the photos. 

we found a small garden bar area out back and had a drink… the bartender told us that we had just missed the whole thing. a lot of celebrities were there… actors from how i met you mother… and so forth. my stomach dropped and i was upset. i was upset that we missed a moment to be invited to this type of event… and we were late over a silly boy. oh well. i keep my feelings to myself and we sit and talk for some time under vines of pink flowers. 

i texted gabriel to see where that first bar we went to… weeks ago was. "coco something". we found it… coco laurent on 7th and Grand. walking up i began to recognize everything… and we saw vincent as soon as we walked in. he is the owner and made a scene with us last time. i wanted to get to know him, he seems like a genuine guy. we sat at the far end of the bar… in hopes that chad would be working. turns out he has friday off. we chose our drinks, all of which are amazing. just one drink… we talk about boys and vincent comes over the chat with us… tell us about a wine tasting in a few weeks. i was starting to get a buzz and getting antsy about getting back to long beach… something about knowing that he was there. 

our ride back was quick, i texted him the whole way home.

once i got out of the car… i felt relief. i think i might actually get to see this guy.

i spent some time waiting and wondering… catching up on writing and wondering if i should just cancel. it was too late to have a boy over, i was nervous that we would be up to no good.

but i followed through… he made it so easy. 

i made some tea with cinnamon and honey in my charleston, south carolina cup and went out to meet him on third place. 

i was a bit nervous and laughed while running up to his little car, spilling hot tea the whole time. i got in and looked at him.. he seemed different than i remember.

it was so sexy, he drives a shitty stick shift car.

we found a place to park downtown, I'm sure there was one closer to me, but it is the ocean front and parking is so ridiculous. 

we laughed about all of it, how i have no idea about parking. he asked to have a sip of tea.. "of course". "what is that?" he asks… haha… its not tea at all. i laugh in my normal whimsical giggle. i get my cup of tea and begin to walk towards the ocean. i debate taking him for a walking adventure…but decide to just go back to the house. i felt like holding his hand, but its not appropriate right now. 

he says that my place reminds him of his old house in san diego. i wish i could have a picture of the look on his face when i opened the door to my place. everyone has the same shocked reaction. i mean… the view is amazing. i made him some tea and was able to say a comment to him… about how all people have some good within them…"not everyone does". and he looked up at me with those eyes… one eyebrow arched. i love that look.

we sit on the porch and casually talk for hours. so much talking that I'm not sure if i should just relax… and be quiet. we only had a very few quiet moments. he says he likes to talk a lot, fill the silent void because most of the time he is stuck in his head… working on art on the computer.

i shared so much with him. i don't know why i felt the urge to have such intimate conversation with him… but i know that it was better than intimacy. i made us more tea and grabbed a blanket. it was around four am and kinda cold outside. i decided to stay up with him all night. its crazy how fast time goes with him… so fast. he is going to be one of those people, the kind that you want to always be with…but time with them always ends too soon.

i even managed to say that to him.

i also had my southern mannerisms come out… which he laughed so hard at "bless their hearts…" i was talking about giraffes. really. and i told him about how i used to make movies with barbies as stunt doubles. i went all out for the movies… he suggested i put them on you tube. you know, it would be absolutely hilarious to see all of them. maybe one day he will be able to watch them with me and the sisters. it would hurt how much we would all laugh.

the sun began to come up and we joked that the birds were too loud… and the people next door were drunk and staying up really late with us. he liked how i made him feel normal. i like how much we have in common. i liked just talking to him… then the sun did come up. it was over cast and gray… it was nice to not be blinded by the sun first thing. we had to end our time, i showed him quickly my room to show him out… he looked like a little boy entering my fort built of pillows and blankets. did you used to build those? i wonder… i like him. the goodbye was awkward, i hugged him weird… and spent a moment too long looking at this face, into his eyes. its so crazy to think that i have already kissed him before. i don't remember… but he is oh so familiar. 

i laid down to rest for about an hour. twenty minutes later he sent me a smile. 

i wish he was still here.

Those moments that are too good to miss. You shouldn't pass them up just because some of the details don't quite match up with your imagination of how it should be... 

The change in lightening changes the mood. I am still thinking about our night, our all night time to share thoughts. Why did I say all those things? It was very humorous. I keep thinking about his smile. Why must our brains capture a memory and play it so many times ... To make me want more. The time traveled too fast. Over already? Our time is up.

He complimented me on a few things. He seems.. Genuine and I want to just be beside him, leaning against his arm... Holding his hand in an airport. I want to run late with him.. Or be on time. I want to smile and be amazed with his brilliance. I want to share with people this sense of hope.. And cover ourselves with paint. I want to help him achieve his vision, his works of art that involve a muse.. A cat like source of feminine power to prowl through his photographs.

Why.. I am so pleased he just wanted to sit by me. I'm glad he didn't try anything.. The night was too dark, too late, too innocent too precious to mess it up with intimacy. It was all too childlike and wonderful... 

I could go on for days, putting the pieces back again where words fell out into each others thoughts.. But I prayed to god for a boyfriend, a person to push me harder.. If he is it, well I'll take my earthly time to get to know him. I can already see the art work we will create. 

It takes discipline to tell your body not to sleep.. Makes a blur of time that changes the shape of the day. Just a quick nap before I have to be in public. He text me a smile when he got home... I wish he was cuddled up beside me for my cat nap. 

one.hundred.twenty.eight.

It is the waking up process for me that is hard, it always will be. The places I am in my head are so much more interesting. My brain is so complex that I can be one hundred places, memories, moments forever. It's only natural that it should become more intense. 

I have energy this morning, I am excited. It's going to be a good day I believe.

It's nice to start it out this way, even though the sun isn't shining... I was able to bike to work quickly. I dropped my bike off at the Loft and then walked to the coffee shop. It is absolutely wonderful to smell coffee when I open the door. I am kinda out of my mind for the early morning... It was slow. I spent time chatting with niya, she was working at the coffee shop. Some things worked out for her today, she signed a contract that said she wouldn't be paying rent for a year due to the construction next door. I could tell in the air that something was happening... Tom was up to chaos, I'm just not sure about his intentions yet. I can't read him, he does this on purpose and knows... that. 

But I can promise her a year of help... And she only needs a year from the store... So yea. But now I can see this going well if she doesn't have to pay rent. We could make real money. Three o'clock came fast and after I discovered pod casts. I watched several of them... About managing a band.

The girl working after me showed up late and I had to leave to go to work before she arrived.. And I walked into a busy afternoon. Jossi was waiting for me.. I remember our conversation from last time, he was in the process of interviews with google. I gave him some advice last time about how he needed to visualize what he wanted to happen. He really became excited about this and we hit it off. He invites me to an art show at KGB gallery in LA. He wants to introduce me to Steve, the owner. Neil was my next client (I believe) and our conversation is good as always. Then I have a cut and color with Keri. She is a cool curly mother of two boys. She has beautiful tattoo work and I love her curls. I had a vision for her hair but I wasn't able to create it. I felt like it was too similar to what we always do... I wanted it to be different, just wants feeling very 'risky'. I got out of work late and biked home in the dark. The ride was nice and peaceful. I made dinner and spent more time watching pod casts and working on a pin board. I want to style or even be in an underwater photo shoot, so I spent hours drinking tea me looking up photos. I decided to name the board "get wet with me"... All with gabriel in mind, I was hoping that since I pinned one of his photos in the group that it would notify him with the title... And spark a few thoughts about me.

 (recap)

the second half of my day was fast. the girl that was working after me showed up late, which was annoying. i walked in to a booked afternoon, which was an surprise, but a good one. jossi was my first client and he liked that i remembered his job interview with google, he didn't get the job. it was upsetting, a let down is hard.. but there is always something else, that is a certain. 

he invited me to a gallery show in LA and said he knew the gallery owner, thought that i would like the show. i really consider going because it would nice to meet some people and get out to long beach. my next client is also a regular, he is one of those that i just like to see on my day list of appointments. they are the ones that will be with you for awhile. the next client is also a repeat, she is an adorable tattoo girl with the best blond curls. i wasn't really pleased with the outcome, but that is because I'm preoccupied…but either way i think it will good once her curls get used to the shorter cut. i had something in my mind, but i just couldn't translate it to her hair. it was a late night, a good ride home in the dark. i make dinner and talk with oliver and andrew, it is nice to see them together… but couples are starting to get on my nerves now. i think i'm just psming… 

i have dinner. just some vegetables, kale… zucchini and avocado. it's all i have, and from now on its the only way i can afford to eat… 

its good. have a bit of wine with my meal and then retire to my room. i had expectations of creating some artwork. but i sat there in front of my sketchbook. just looking at the white pages, it was  a weird weird thing to not being to make… something. anything. i saw his face. i could see the look from across the table and i thought about what it would be like to just see it again in person. then i couldn't see the angle, i didn't want it on paper just quite yet, because sometimes then you lose the image all together. then it is just… gone. 

i decided to spend some time watching podcast about the music industry on renman music business… and i saw an interview with lisa worden. she was beautiful, had good hair and sense about her that was real. she grew up in long beach and has worked her way up to the radio station in long beach. i learned a lot and heard some good advice.i learned about the band the x ambassadors. love songs drug songs. the album is good..three songs in particular. its good. i want to listen to it for while…. so i was able to listen and learn while pinning pictures on my pint rest boards about under the water photos. i am about to start working with a lot of photographers. i want to coordinate shoots and get the style… the people together. to collaborate. it is very important as artitst to work together. 

i am thinking about nonsense and stay up late just being in my room. some writing, but i fell asleep before finishing everything. its good.. my dreams. I'm not sure. 

there was a moment this morning when a man stopped me as i was waiting or the light to change…"what you have going on here is very good". he smiles, i laugh and thank him.

its true though, i guess the outfit worked, my "classic" bike helps too… his friend liked the bike.

the little moments that keep us with just a glimmer of hope. just the slightest amount. 

one.hundred.twenty.seven.

he did get it… 

he gets more than i know.

we stayed up and text late into the night. made me feel like a middle school kid again, staying up all night on the instant chat, just talking about nonsense. getting to know each other. he filled me in on some art projects that he is working on.. then wanted to me check out his pinterest boards, which are … amazing. he is dark freak. creature of the night that boy… and he thinks I'm cool?

really?

this is wild. he gives me chills… up my spine. i lay tangled in my many blankets and pillows.. the silence of the night, just the vibration of my phone and the anticipation of what he will say next.

whoa. if this is us just using words, what will life be like in person with him?

i am interested to find out. i don't think i'll hold back much from him. he is far ahead of the others. he knows more about fashion than i do… and he is a creative genius. he is good with his.. words… hands… and artwork. i can see us making the most beautiful…lovely artwork together.

"fucking inspired and fucking horny" as he would say.

ya, i'd say so.

i fell asleep to his words around four am… the sun was going to be coming up and i needed to be asleep for that. my body is tired and sore from yesterdays detox and I'm enjoying just laying in bed, in the silence and dark… pile of blankets. i recap the night and see that he did in fact answer me back, i stopped the conversation. silly sleep… but he text me just a little more and i wonder if he slept at all last night. i text ali first thing… about my relief that my pay check was enough to cover rent and pay bills. she is not suporised that he is … cool.

still might be too much for me… i might bore him

so here i am… just laying in bed, taking up all the time i can in here. wasting away.

but I'm getting things done on the internet. lots of catching up… inspiration. 

the day continues and i make myself brunch, egg and avocado… then i lay on the porch for just a few minutes. niya text me and says she'll be here to get me in twenty minutes. I'm not even close to ready.. so my sunshine time is cut short. 

i get ready quickly and she meets me at the door… i am so happy to see her, it has been a few days and i begin to realize what an important role she plays in my life. 

we head to la in the heat of the day with traffic and country music. it is so much fun wandering around the fashion district. she now refers to me as her "consultant" and we discuss what colors, patterns and cuts will best suit the clientele base. we over spend.. of course due to me. i end up spending my last two days worth of money on clothes… a tye-die cardigan and a red aztec maxi. we spend time laughing and carrying on with the vendors. this has really been one of the most fun days i've had in awhile. of course i have to bring up gabriel to her… we talk about him too much, but she reassures me that it is going to be a good thing. we have too much in common and even if it just ends up that we work together, then that is good enough. 

we head to the store and i spend time unpacking and hanging things on hangers. i take a break to drink a glass of wine and greet sarah… as she walked here from work. she looks just lovely and i compliment her. i know she is having a tough day and I'm glad that we can entertain her. 

niya's friend catalina comes in to shop… and ends up hanging out with us all night. before we know it… without dinner we are getting drunk and are taking pictures of the inventory. i need to practice my 'modeling' skills… i love being in front of a camera and playing dress up. niya said earlier in the day.. as we sat in traffic for an hour on our way back to long beach, tells me about myself. "I've told you this before.. but there is a mystery about you. its as if you know some secret that we don't… and everyone wants to know… what exactly it is…".

I've heard this before. i think this is what makes me a "muse">

what is it that i know?

god. i think that is the difference. i know a god that created us. that rules over us… i know him so personally that i can't even hide it. something in my expression… it's all in the eyes.

the evening is so much fun and i decide to share with everyone harry's new songs… the blues.

they are instantly entranced and before we know it… hours have passed, we are all dancing around the store and we have heard all of their songs.

the variety is amazing and i can tell that they are impressed. catalina even said… its like i just want to tell everyone about them… but i don't think they would even understand.

he does something to me… i make everyone what to listen… i make everyone curious with what is going on inside of my head. i want them to hear and i talk about how i will get them a show by the end of the year in long beach. i am determined.

gabriel crosses my mind and i decide to ask him about his day… 

he is nervous… about some results and i completely understand… we try and make plans, but i am yet to believe them.. i don't think we will be seeing each other for awhile. but tonight i crave his attention.. and of course he is off in his own land. that is how he will keep me intrigued. is to be busy.

sarah and i decide to walk home alone .. together. she is just a special soul in my life. we bounce off of each other… as we do often when we walk. i have to admit that i am amazed by her.. she is such a soul that i am beginning to love. between her and niya… its like california brought them to me. if i was just supposed to share my struggle with them…if i came here to be with them, then that makes it all okay. i walk really fast and sarah comments on how fast i move. i like to get places, i don't have time to be slow. she tells me how there is some energy about me that just attracts people. as if i am something of a odd breed…twice in one day? gabriel said it about me last night too… three times. I'm sure my roommates would agree as well. i wonder if it is true.

its not up to me though. there are so many factors that contribute to what i am and i what i will become. i can't take really any of the credit… i just have to trust that i am this way… for a reason.

i long for something and try and fill the void, but i have not inspiration at the time. so i lay in bed and get addicted to pinterest. 

i know that time will answer most of my questions… 

one.hundred.twenty.six.

this morning was ... loud. i was woken by the sounds of jack hammers and tile cutting. once again construtcion starts at eight am. it is becoming easy to tune out the nonsense... im getting used to the loud and busy city. it is cloudy most of the morning and i lay in bed just napping until the last minute. i can't quite recall my dreams.. but im pretty sure the last night was the one where i saw the painting that i just created the other night. i was standing with ali and i could see it just off of her stairway. i tried to take a picture of it but i wasn't fast enough before the vibrant orange faded away, just like a sunset. 

you could sense that the clouds stirring around felt like chaos. 

i think harry was there as always. i woke up and checked facebook to see that he had made some new songs. tupper had just posted them on soundcloud hours ago... like 5am east coast time. i was so thankful to be the first listen. i played them a few times and dosed in and out of sleep.

the ride to yoga was quick, i feel light and agile as i go on my way to "become a ninja".

that is how darren makes me feel. he is excited to see me and i almost feel upset that there is someone else in class, but come to find out he is just lingering from the class before. it is only darren and i and he voices to me that he was excited when he got the email that i was coming to class. something about this guy. i feel like he knows something that i don't. just like elwang. his lisp doesnt seem as strong this morning... either that or im getting used to his voice. he leads me through a slower version that focuses more on the slow and steady movements of the body, becoming aware of the flow and energy within. i am able to get through the poses with ease as he guides me along. i like all the interaction i have with him. the personal time is nice and he stands close and doesnt have very many personal boundaries, so he has me push up against him or twist and holds my feet down during cobra. each stretch i am given a extra push between my shoulders and at the end of class he presses behind my ears and stretches my neck. all of this means the world to me right now. he is the only one who touches me other than myself... and an occasional hug from my roommates. it means... that i am only doing good for myself. these "touches" are teaching me strengh and personal well being. 

i come home to get a few things done... the sun begins to come out and i cook myself eggs and salsa. i have a great view to work from, a few emails to look over and i need to transfer some money around. i apply for another discover card but the application is declined, im assuming because i already have money with them... then onto more research. i ended up getting some credit with bank of america but i didnt click well with the girl on the phone. she seemed.... disconnected and i wasnt given much. then i couldn't find an address, the whole thing was a mess and i was unprepared in the long run. i got upset and yelled, it suprised me how upset i was... but it didn't solve a thing. so now i have to just wait and be patient until i can transfer the money. 

i dont like digging into my money problems. it stresses me out and there is absolutely nothing i can do about it but just keep waiting, working and trying not to spend. its not that deep. i can get myself out of it in a year and then be free and working enough to support the lifestyle that i know i will achieve. 

watching npr music tiny desk concerts is the best. i watched a cool ok go one where they moved the office to a downtown spot near the us capitol. it is all new and white and shiny, which is cool... and seems like a really neat place to live. im excited to know that it is so close to home... and i want the hound dogs on there.... or the critters. i can see this happening by the summer of next year. i have so much work to do… 

this is all going to be a teamwork thing, but i believe so strongly in them succeeding that i am willing to be the first crazy one to get everyone together. 

you have to believe in something that seems so utterly impossible… to make it a reality.

you have to believe every single day.

my time with ali at the market today was kinda depressing. i was a bit of a drag because of my money… which always seems to be the issue with me. i try not to bring her down with it, but its a major stress in my life. we walk to the park and almost get hit by a car, andrew sees and stops to give us hugs. i stock up on avocados and fruit, honey granola and cake balls. we have our empanda snack and sit off to the side to see the music. different guys are up there today, playing a keyboard. they sing covers of elton john… we talk about how her marriage is tough and that maybe he is crazy… he would be perfect to be with if it were to come down to survival of the fittest, but in reality, he doesn't treat her how he should. i don't think he has a clue about how to treat a woman. and this beautiful creature that he "tricked" into marrying him.. well she deserves so much more. i actually am upset about the whole thing, i thought about how selfish he was and stirred myself all up. its just not fair what women have to go through.

its all too much and we have to change the subject because i can tell she is getting upset. its just me though… i probably don't help the situation but its all i can do just listen and be there for her.

we decide after eating cake that we will go to hot yoga at eight. i think that it is a good idea to do it again because if i want to get in the habit of teaching, I'm going to have to get used to more than one class a day. i do have a desire to teach. i have a desire to help others undertand and be well.

the room is hotter than earlier today… it is also very crowded with sweaty people. siri's voice is calming though, enough to where i can handle this situation because of her tone. she is another one that i admire.. i wonder about her story. 

each of us is covered in a moving shiny layer of water on our skin. with each movement it becomes hard to have a grip… i am sliding around. at certain moments it becomes euphoric and i feel like maybe i have pushed too hard, but my body keeps moving. i have to focus on the goal… the things that i see while pushing myself to the limit… music. i see harry and i's first encounter. the smile that i can't help but give… we've had a few seconds in time. together already. i let ali listen to his two knew songs, she likes them. he has a good sound. he has a lot of good things… but what does it mean to others? does it matter? is it unique enough for people to remember? yes, i believe so.

we make a quick trip to whole foods so i can get yogurt, enough to last me until i have to leave for home… twenty days. i don't have money and I'm struggling, but i was excited to get quite a lot for under forty dollars. I'm freezing cold in my soaking wet clothes.

i go home to unpack my things… and see the i have a text from gabriel. what he says is amazing. he wants me there just to hang out with him while he works in his studio.. just to have me hang out. wow. that was simple and beautiful. I'm not going to lie… i tried to use my brain power today to see if he would text, and i was so thankful he did. he gives me butterflies and i text him back…. but i don't think he got it. 

i take a shower and rinse off all the toxins that were releaseed onto my skin… starting fresh and clean. i have to give up everything that i have. 

one.hundred.twenty.five.

change is good. 

i woke up and used all the energy i had in me to make it to work on time. it was a dreary morning as usual… but once i was at work things were better. dori quit working so now the spot beside me is free. it would only make sense that london would take that spot, which is really exciting because i feel a renewed sense of belonging now. he minds me of working beside rich, all of those years of us laughing, learning and bantering back and forth. it was such a beautiful simple time i once had. the deep cleaning took place and made the air easier to breathe… i inherited a new black rolling station to keep my things, it even locks. the appointments started to flood in as soon as he "blessed" the area. i really hope that we can make some money here together… in our lofty positions. the compliment of our conversation will be lovely and as he said "everything is beginning to fall into place".  

my first client is tough and always demands so much out of me. she seems looney and doesn't really make sense with what she says or even wants. she brought her boyfriend this time… i didn't expect her to be with someone like him, but you shouldn't assume that someone's standards would be high. they both gave me a weird energy and i was completely over the appointment and ready for them to just leave. 

rumor has it i'll be getting some of dori's clients since they were too imdimidated to leave her while she was there… and my next client is just lovely. she is a typical california brunette with an intense tan and good build for a woman her age, but her hair color is making me crazy. i convinced her to get it colored and cut, a complete make.over which i can sense that she needs. she is getting ready to go to school for holistic massage therapy… which i think will bring happiness to her… much more than the nonsense job of working for the government. the day didn't drag on too much… and i was steady, but i was not there in heart. i had been texting gabriel and niya all day… both of them started their conversation with me at the exact same minute. that is weird how those things happen, as if they were more connected than they know. i was excited about the chance of seeing him in the evening but didn't really take any initiative to make solid plans. instead our conversation was open ended and not consistent. this is fine.. i walk to ali's and have a lovely dinner with her on the porch. we drink some wine and over eat… talking about the past few days. we walked with syd to rite aid so i could get just enough things so i didn't have to go grocery shopping. it was too expensive as usual and i spent all the money in my wallet on cotton, yogurt, contact solution and a bottle of wine. 

i stayed to have a glass with ali as we watched the office.

i thought about our talk on the way home about how men are not living up to their roles anymore. if our fathers only knew how our boyfriends/husbands treated us… they would be furious. her husband is really selfish and it is starting to affect me now. i try not to get in the middle of it… but if i had been around her more when she was thinking about marrying him, i would've said something. even though you can't talk a girl off the ledge when we are already ready to jump. that is a fact. so nothing i can say or do with change it. let this be a lesson.

i walk home and smile, i have many reasons to smile. the walk down ocean blvd tonight is cool and breezy…. its lined with palms and flowers… quirky vintage buildings and tons of character. its time to finally wash my hair again… and i have a nice shower. it feels good to just get rid of all the filth. all the dirt from the weeks past… shave my legs and start over again. 

i need to eat more, so i snack on cereal and watch new episodes of mad men with the boys. it is relaxing to just sit and watch the drama while waiting for my sheets to dry. 

the feeling of laying in clean warm sheets for my nights sleep seems so romantic. i only have this one set… as i don't have much. if i had a boyfriend i would wash the sheets a lot so we could snuggle in the their warmth and fall asleep in each others arms. 

one.hundred.twenty.four.

How about this blurry dream. Things weren't going as planned... Harry was there, being himself. Running around in my dreams, most likely because I heard the original version of "hold on me" at the sky room last night. It made me long for him... For some one to sing to me. The talent of a young troubled soul. The jest of the dream is as follows.. Harry doesn't want me, he knows he can't have me... He doesn't have time for me. I am just another chick that he will discard of so he can move on.

I intend to wake up early and get writing done... But I'm in a deep sleep. Another night with the lights on... It can't be good for my health to keep sleeping this way. I woke up after turning off my phone and saw that gabriel had texted me late in night, around 2am, funny how I slept through that. I would've responded so I guess that it's good I was sleeping with my laptop. 

I liked that he thought about me so late.. I'm sure he had been drinking. 

But who's to say? 

I got ready and biked to the store, a gloomy quiet Sunday afternoon. The ride was nice and the calmness of the store seems comforting to me now. 

I swept up and ate my food... A few customers came in. I enjoyed all of them today and I managed to help a woman find a few things. She was a character and there was something different about her.. Selene. She has six children... Interesting, I've always wondered what that would be like. Her hair color was nice and towards the end I was able to look her in the eye. She said to me.. " I tend to like children more than adults.." And "you seem like a nice person". The day goes on and I hear from will which is always a boost of confidence. He fills me in on his ever exciting life and then tells me I made the behind the scenes trailer on you tube for Andrew McMahon, he's kinda a big deal it seems and I am so thankful to have been a part of that project. He is touring the country right now and funny that he'll be in asheville at the orange peel while I am home ... Wouldn't it be cool to see him!? But hopefully I'll be running around with the hound dogs. Shell calls to let me  hear harry play music and it's funny because I know that immediately it is him. She proceeds to upset me and begs me to come home... And sends videos of him playing. He is so amazing and talented that I don't know what to do and almost cry but the fact that I'm making my career in california  makes me feel almost  ok. I'm texting gabriel and this eases the tension... I have to chase just alittle. All handsome boys like that, but I'm not getting over zealous. He is just a dream or a buffer to keep me sane while living in LA. I could really use a guy like him... To go see shows with. The collaborate with.. Make art and make a mess. We'll see... 

later…

the evening ended up being very quiet. i had time to catch up on laundry and cleaning, i even have time to watch a sermon. i seem to be distracted and i can't focus on what i am trying to do… but i learn just a few things about god's view for relationships… the gender roles. i know that a relationship is what brings us closer to god… but i have to be with just him first.

gabriel texts me through out the night… along with shell. she must be drunk to be this "emotional"… but for once i felt a bit upset that she was being like that and i became content with being here. is that strange? so ridiculous. but as much as i miss all of them and the absolute beauty of my life at home, i have this urge to keep pushing onward out here.

i watch a funny puppet show with ian and daniel, laying on the floor like a child… i'm still just a child. i have a few realizations today… you'll always be missing something, but if you are content with what you have around you… then you just have to be thankful that you are alive. 

who's to say where i am supposed to be.. but all i know is that i would like to hang out and have a boyfriend soon. one that aids in my creativity and mental awareness. 

one.hundred.twenty.three.

Things are going too fast that I'm having trouble keeping track... and it's oh so easy to get out of good habits. To the point where you can't even remember where you began and how to get there again. 

New perspective.

Being so poor and spending all of you tips from the longest day ever to go have dinner with your best friend and her husband at the sky room in downtown Long Beach.. should've been a double date I suppose. I'm just not interested enough in the two of them. I feel some sort of disconnection. But the bar is a step back in time. Built in 1939 it was the original Hilton. The restaurant is frequented by royalty. American sorts anyway.. The swing band started right when we got there and I pondered their careers as musicians. Perhaps this is why I can't function in society right now... I'm not involved enough in the arts. I'm sure they also get burned out and can't seem to want to come to work... Or play the trumpet for three hours tonight... Or do they feel that way? Or is the passion to make music so strong that it empowers you? Older couples began to make their way onto the dance floor... Trotting around in a choreographed show of intimate sorts... Our drinks are good and made by a bar "keep" with circus like style. His mustache curled up on the corners and our drinks were really well thought out.

I want to dance. I want a dance partner. A life partner to smile with. I can't always be miserable. I am happy alone... but to sit back and be done ... There's a difference though, they danced together like this when they were young. When times were hard, the boys came back from war and danced with their wives. I'm sure many sailors, military men of all sorts reunited with their girls... And danced the night away to a live band, becuase this was long before 'djs'. It was all a classy show... Behind the scenes I'm sure the same scandal... As the energy of high talent always sparks a feeling of excitement and relentlessness. I suppose that was part of the problem... It causes too much amazement. Too much of a show... Too much of a mess. But when it comes down to it... It's exactly what we need, want and deserve. To stir up alittle trouble. The generation of rebellion and cause and effect. We are poor. I haven't felt more poor ever... I'm letting it get in the way of my well being, and that is sad. It's sad that our government can control our emotions with the evil power of energy: currency. 

So I declare myself mad from this day on. That sense of anger that sarah was talking about the night before, there is an anger... There is even interior rage against what has become of my life. But I thought it was going to be easy. It is not. 

 It was refreshing to have a steady busy Saturday at the loft.. But with a full book comes chaos and drama with the girls. Overall it was good, I met two new people and had two repeats. Some times it's hard for with me with the repeats because I have no idea what I talked about the previous appointment and I have to be careful what I say. Deep down I am still just a "groupie". 

I can't concentrate anymore on anything and I suppose I should try and center that.. Else I'm never going to be able to make a 'living'. One of my clients said that I was too keep going, because the universe needs me. I need the universe to keep my paths clear and somewhat visible so I can fight through the jungle to stay on two separate paths. 

I know I have lost everyone at this point. I realize that it is only me, alone. 

I understand this now and I can begin to except it.. I can begin to rebuild myself to a fullfilled state of being.

But I have to start at square one again, sitting down everyday to try and capture the details in the day. The good lessons are in the simple details. The ones that I have failed to record, failed to mention. 

one.hundred.twenty.two.

1, 2 skip a few… 7, 8, you are late

and i quickly begin to forget the details. 

i woke up in a haze naked in my bed. everything was a mess and i had managed to cover my walls and carpet with paint. a few hand pritns on the walls… but my "finished project" was so far from finished. hm

(days later I'm getting nothing. i can't seem to sit still long enough to write about it. i can't remember the details, i don't seem to care to recall them? why is this? is it because i have made "it" into this thing i think of as "work". but this is where i have become naive and i am ignoring the signs. finish one project at a time? i don't' think so. i need to pay attention. often i catch myself answering my own questions.)

focus.

i did it for the unpredictability of what could happen if i just didn't remember something. to leave my body though takes a toll on me. i didn't remember falling asleep, or crawling around spreading paint and pouring water on everything. i left myself a mess of acrylic and spilled mediums. the brushes were tossed. its all really nonsense and i talked about it too much. i don't need the attention. but i also need people to understand that you shouldn't take me lightly. i have a force to be reckoned with. as the cliche goes, its all just a bunch of "bs". 

Friday was really well, it feels nice to be wanted. I liked spending time with niya at her store before she left town. The bacon egg cheese and avocado croissant was delicious and  helped with my hang over feeling that I gave myself.. Via just raw whiskey. Oh just to think about it makes my stomach turn. London had to come fetch me so I could do an appointment.. Literally the three minutes I don't stare at my phone... I miss something. 

She was a lovely woman, on the inside. Much of life had taken from her and she had a swell of negative energy connected to her grandson. I felt empathetic towards her and enjoyed being able to talk with her and help her while in my chair. Some people connect with me instantly and I can see the interest immediately. I like to look into people's eyes.  

It's the times that can't be filmed or captured. Ten minutes you can't explain... Sitting on the floor that evening with sarah and discussing life lessons and figurations together over dinner, beers and a tiny joint. We get alittle silly and I dance around to harry's songs. The record opens up a different sound for him, I think and raw feeling of ... This is what I am trying to explain. Listening to the vinyl on the floor of an old apartment, the floors alone have seen more than we'll know. We are the first ever to hear his record on the west coast... The city of Long Beach California. I start to dream of my next six months. The last have been a roller coaster of emotions. Pulling me from coast to coast... All the music, missing harry... Needing friendship and learning that what I had was what I wanted all along. 

one.hundred.twenty.one.

I mixed up the routine and found it easier to get up and go to work at the boutique. The bike ride was nice, I was a bit early and dropped my bike off at the salon. 

I was thankful to be able to leave and walk to niya's boutique for the beginning of my day. It was a quiet morning.. Not many people walking around. She was working at the coffee shop and it was good to be able to kill some time with her. I also spent a lot of my time reading "letters to a young poet". I'm nearing the end of this book, but I am just not ready to be done.. So I start from the beginning. I understand it better this time, I'm more centered and prepared for what the concept is... What's going on. Rereading helps me remember and notice new things.. I love how he talks about solitude. Rilke is brilliant really.. But so sad. I can feel this sadness through his words... Through the generations. 

Three o'clock made it after a few sales and checking my credit score to realize that's it's ok after all.. I talked to mom on the phone and then walked to the Loft. I could feel a weirdness about this place... Like missing the morning time did not prepare me for what was happening. The energy was just difficult.. and negative. I was thankful to be able to fix a hair mistake, and she was a pleasant woman, the new "a-line" has arrived. I've already done this cut before and she had good hair to work with.

I was ready to leave early and one of my favorite clients didn't show for his appointment.... The energy was too bad and I tried to stay as long as I could. My ride home was peaceful and I had began to envision my outcome. I had the urge to paint and I had a lovely piece of canvas nice and white waiting for me. Not much food left me with a good meal of spinach pizza bites, beans and rice. I decided to begin drinking before eating... Shots of whiskey at the kitchen counter. 

one.hundred.twenty.

it's not a matter of up or down really.

i haven't a clue what i am doing anymore. i have reached a dead end it seems? is it though? is sitting around thinking that i shouldn't exist here really be doing me any good? i have't a clue anymore.

that boredom of what is.

wednesday.

i slept too much. i think that might be what is getting to me. I'm sleeping too much. i think that i should be out and about. stop being so damn selfish. 

i had breakfast. spent some time writing and organizing the closet. 

i read a book… well I'm reading a book called… letters to a young poet. most of the book is now underlined and marked up with pen. it has a lot of good points. i like how it is timeless. i want my words to become timeless.

it talked about how God is to come. i liked the way he put the words…. about how you must prepare to love him. i don't even want to try and capture his words. just how he says them is perfect. you should read it.. its the letter from october 29,1903. 

he also talked about solitude. that is how you really learn what you are. i had to leave. i had to go to know what i am.

the day was slow but i liked the pace… sitting in the sun was nice and hopefully good for my skin. i just liked how the heat felt on my body, i had time to sit still and read these letters. i was just content with my thoughts for while.

niya came to get me… our first conversation is about how weird everything is. we have run out of things to talk about and spent a lot of our time being quiet. i was glad that ali came to spice up the night, she is always the best time ever. something about that girl…

we went to get wine and then to ross to pick out a few decorations for the store… three bottles should do and some treats. it was really hot and her sister and friend were there… i was immediately turned off by her sisters friends, its mainly because i don't connect with early twenty somethings…

i should just relax. things are happening and i don't even know about it. it has to be . i must just stay focused and most of all stay humble. sometimes i loose sight of that…. humble.

relax. the evening was fun. it was good to get out with the girls…. ali, niya, tamara and i. 

this is going to be fun. we thought we had free tickets to the laugh factory, but you can't use them on the fourth wednesday of the month… it pissed me off a bit, but we decided on something different. 

we were at the pike, lots more to choose from, niya suggested the mai tai bar. it had a decent view of the bay front with the queen mary.. lighthouse and lots of lights. there was a guy playing music, he did a cover of rihannas "like diamonds in the sky". i liked his choice of sounds and thought  about alex. text him and he responded… i managed to get the guy's name at the bar… bo napoleon. his dad is the entertainment manager at the bar. he plays there on wednesday nights. 

hum.

we walk over the Sgt. peppers dueling piano bar and it's hilarious from the time we walk in. they shine a light on us and say something ridiculous. we decide to sit up front which is a decent choice because they give us free drinks. two guys play requests from the audience while at times make up their own lyrics and banter with the crowd. it was really fun to sing out loud, even though i am terrible at it. i have a lot of work to do. 

do not loose your childlike wonder. i beg of you… even with all the responsibility. even with all the strife.stay true to your imagination and ability to wonder. for it is that moment when you have given up all sense of hope… then He steps in and makes you breathe again. 

one.hundred.nineteen.

i went to sleep thinking that i was going to wake up to give myself more time in morning… but as usual i just laid there and enjoyed the silence. i had a few minutes to write about the day before… then i got up and quickly prepared myself for class. its been a long while since i've looked forward to a yoga class like this. i would say since anne's class, i haven't felt so strongly to go to the same class on a regular basis. 

the ride there was nice, the day is lovely and bright…  a light breeze makes pedaling difficult. i am the only student again, which honestly is how i prefer this class. darren is more comfortable with me this time… it's our third class together and he must see my determination and strength. i like that i can keep up his movement. he asks me what i need… i need a gentle yet challenging stretch, as i have been wild and reckless the past few days. the flow is nice and does push me to my limits… just enough though that i can honestly say that i have met a match that can teach me. the detox of sweat running down all of my body and the electric guitar soundtrack once again puts me in a state of euphoria and you could say that this is my "sex". 

his voice reminds me of elwang, which is a comforting stable sound that i know and trust. he guides me and helps me get into the poses. i am thankful that he helped release my shoulders by pressing them toward the floor during the appropriate poses. the class went by too fast and i felt like i wasn't done enough… but ninety minutes in a heated class is more than enough. i thanked him and we chatted about my weekend in LA. he recommended that if i like whiskey bars, i should check out 7 grand… it has a big stag on the wall right when you walk in. i take his word for it that this will be good… i'll check it out one day. 

i wonder what he really thinks about me? he has made it very clear that he has a girlfriend… and i wear a really thin silver sliver on my ring finger.. just to say that i am indeed "taken". but this yoga practice is such a high power of release and spiritual recognition that you can feel the sexual tension bouncing around the room. that is what i love about yoga… it puts you in a place that we as humans can exceed far beyond that animalistic make.up of our desires… if met with diligence and determination. 

i stoop in and see cameron at my  bicycle and tell him how much i have enjoyed my bike. he fills the front tire with air and we chat a little about how things are going. his store seems to be going well and he is just passing the one year mark. he talks about how he is surfing on a team and working several jobs.. "i think that it is good for you". i guess that means i should eventually get job number five and start to teach yoga… in due time.

i go home an cook myself a good lunch, after of course getting upset that some of my food has gone bad. i can't seem to eat things fast enough, but i don't have time to shop anymore than i already do. i will skip food shopping this week…. i don't have the money. i talk to mom on the phone while i have my lunch which is nice. i managed to be more upbeat and positive this time… as in "not crying" on the phone. 

overall things are picking up. i am ready to see niya but she is caught up at the doctor's office… and then her phone died. i spent some time catching up and and writing … i hear the doorbell. "who could that be". its niya… she looks stressed and since she couldn't call.. she was glad that she remembered the gate number to get in. that worked out well. 

we headed to LA to shop for the store, times are tight this month and there is barely any money in the budget for clothes,but we'll make it work. we hit a lot of traffic and have time to talk. she really does need me in her life right now… and honestly i believe that i need her just as much. we were listening to country music and i sang the entire kenny chesney song about being young and wanting to be older… as we rounded the freeway you could see the sky scrapers of LA.. i never thought i'd sing that song while seeing this view. we laughed about that…

it was a quick trip, we were done in thirty minutes. i saw a few items that i really wanted, but i refrained, as i don't have any money or the ability to get any of these times. they are just dreams.

we head back to long beach, then to 2nd street so she can get a new phone. i get some juice and decide to find gabriel on instagram. i can't help but be curious about his kid. seeing his online portfolio made me excited about how talented he is … but the thing that happened between niya and him is going to slow the entire process down… just a bit. i decided to let him know that he is on my mind and clicked follow and liked a few of his recent photos, just a few…not to seem over zealous. a few minutes later he followed me back.. wonder what he thought of my portfolio? i know that i enjoy it.

i wasn't feeling too well. things have been weird in my stomach and i didn't want to be sweaty or force things to even touch my skin today.. i went home, called ali and then fell asleep. i woke up around one am and took a shower… and had anxiety. i was worried about my skin and my hair… stress does things to your body sometimes. but i am going to keep strong and know that the lord will bless me if i just keep going and stay humble. he likes humble… because it really has nothing to do with me. 

one.hundred.eighteen.

the days are getting to be a drag, which means it's time to mix it up again.

i thought that i was going to be on time for work… then i dropped a glass  bottle on a marble floor and that was the end of that.  the shattering glass sound was piercing and i didn't know that glass could break into that many tiny pieces. there goes being on time..

it took a while to clean up, i kept sweeping and wiping everything down with a wet cloth but the selection of tiny shards of glass i could still see. of course i wasn't wearing any shoes so I'm sure a piece or two is hanging out in my foot. i tried my best to make it seem like the situation never happened, but that seems unrealistic. it is right at the front door too.. and no one in the house really wears shoes.

i can't seem to form any outfits for the day, i decided to wear all black. maybe I'm just mourning the fact that i miss my friends… i don't know. reminds me of hair school… wearing no color. i think harry is also in an all black phase for the summer. i feel a connection with him again today.

my bike ride was difficult, it is really windy. i made it to work right at ten. i spent some time just chatting with london, but its not the same with him right now. i feel a block or sorts, like he has given up with me? or  have i given up with him… I'm not sure. i can't form sentences right now about what i am trying to accomplish because i have lost sight of what i am doing.

i sit on the porch with my feet in the sun and try and write about the day before. i think that days are just so boring that i don't have the urge the recap. just the good details that i wish to remember, but then that defeats the purpose… it is not reality.

i manage to get distracted and write a poem about solitude. i really like it … i used the shattering glass as inspiration for the movement of the words. 

i get a surprise appointment, a mother and daughter who both have very thick curly hair. they both need make overs and i was able to have the mother, alania. she is a beautiful Jamaican woman who just moved here from florida. her hair is a disaster and i truly have my work cut out for me, but i have an idea. what i wanted it to look like and what it actually turned out like… were not that same. but the achievable goal was to make her hair look natural and healthily first… then i can go in and add the accents that i really wanted it to have. she loved her hair and i think even liked the fact that it was significantly shorter. 

the salon was so slow… it is memorial day monday and I'm pretty sure that everyone was outside enjoying time with their families. meanwhile… we are trapped in this building. i don't see this lasting much longer so i am trying to enjoy the time that i have. we close early and my ride home is even more difficult… with the wind. i call mom, she doesn't answer and i fall quickly to sleep. i just wanted to take a nice nap…. as i needed my brain to slow down. i haven't been remembering my dreams at all the past few weeks… the first one goes like this:

the loft is falling apart. london and i are trying to patch back together the walls that are falling down. i tried to run upstairs and get my things but i am too scared to go alone because I'm worried that i will become possesd with ghosts that will haunt me. harry is there somewhere i can't seem to get a hold of him…but he is looking for me. i tried calling, no answer… letters? too slow… then i look out a window and he is on a bus dressed in all black leaving. i have missed the bus… i have missed something. the dream was really stressful and i hope that it was just all of my inward fears working themselves out… but i think that i was somewhere i have dreamed before…. i remember that michelle and i were screaming at the top at our lungs at each other … but its not like we were mad, its like it took that much emotion to convey what we were feeling about our conversation. . wish i could recall what were were yelling.

i woke up and it was too late to call mom back, that gave me great anxiety and i had missed text. shell left me with "miss u". i wonder what sparked her thought of me… i needed to hear that.

everyone is too busy for me now and i am so far away that it's like i don't exist. this is exactly what i thought i wanted … right?

one.hundred.seventeen.

I let myself lay in bed and slowly wake up... laid in bed and did some writing. My favorite in the dark corner room is to just lay in bed and write. I have waited too long to write about the previous day that I have a hard time recalling any important detail. I vaguely remember the day.. As they are not that exciting anymore. Just one repetitive wheel or ... Being at the loft.

It was relaxing to go to work somewhere else other than the loft. Biking at noon on Sunday is nice, I worked up at bit of a sweat because I was trying to be on time. I beat niya to work and spent a few minutes just sitting in the coffee shop observing. I wasn't thrilled with what I saw. Or heard.. I hardly am these days. 

I really did enjoy working at the boutique today. It reminded me of being at Kat's store in duck... The wall color is the same. Niya's place needs much of work and I am sure that we will have a good time together. She worked at the coffee shop while I worked at her store.. We make a good team. 

The sales overall were good... If you engage with the customer and help them decide on a piece of clothing.. It makes a difference whether or not you seem to care. I've learned that.

We both left there around six and I biked home to get ready. I spent some time texting gabriel about getting together for the evening.. But it didn't seem to be working and I wasn't going to force the situation. I may have been too nice or... Whatever over texting... But I'd rather have communication and not play as many games this time. We are getting too old for games and if you don't tell people how you feel then they will never know.

Jordan joined niya and myself for a trip out of town to hermosa beach. I looks the same as all the other Cali beach towns... Only a few details are different. It's crowded and everyone is drunk and chaotic from the days festivities. None of us expected this outcome.. California isn't really what I expected at all. It's so crowded and the attitude isn't as positive or "upbeat". The crowds and traffic make for stress and I'm not that inspired. It's starting to all look the same and I spend too much money. We sit outside of an Irish pub, the breeze is nice and the temperature is great for being outside. We (niya and I) sit beside each other and share chicken tenders and a salad. We both love to eat and really don't care that we were we both just scarfing down our food.  There was a band setting up and I was curious to see how they were going to sound. It was a weird mix of a cover band but they seemed to draw in their own crowd. We sat and had two shots of vodka in order to be able to cope with the drunk scenery. The covers were good and I could relate to the sound they were trying to create. They had a few creative versions of a few main stream songs... I like originals. 

Deciding to stand and maybe walk around to check out new scenery... The strip was weird how you could just go to all of these different types of bars... Noisy loud ones with terrible music had long lines and just seemed too ridiculous to venture into.  I found a spot that caught my eyes.. It was a dark space that had lovely rounded leather couches in the back. The waiter was tall and handsome and had a personality. He was clever and recommended that we try a spicy jalapeño and cucumber margaritas... It was perfect. I like the kick and the fact that it wasn't that sweet. I'm enjoying drinking drinks that are well thought out.. They table glowed black and white patterns that caught my interest and I took a photo with my jalapeño and mango tequila drink... Of course for Instagram. I browse through Gabriel's portfolio and notice that he is an even more intriguing guy than I thought. His vision is good and I am inspired with some of his... Art. This means a great deal to me... I didn't pay attention to jordan and niya for just a few bits of the night, I was busy dreaming about "what could be". 

It's time to go and niya needed a minute of fresh air before we headed home to long beach. The ocean front was just across the street.. Here I sit in the sand and stare at the full moon. It was calming to hear the waves that crash around.. I long to see the Atlantic soon. The pacific just doesn't feel the same. I become tired once I sat still and started to dose off.. Them two were still full of energy called "love" for each other while I had reached my maximum for awake time for the day. I fell asleep for the ride home... Like a kid in the backseat.