one.hundred.forty.four.

saturday june 22

this day was good. i had a difficult time waking up and thought about going into work late, but i dont usually follow through with showing up late. i didnt set an alarm but my body woke me up at the usual time. i just wanted to lay... the bike ride was nice, the sun is finally out in the mornig. i still managed to make it to work on time but my ten am appointment cancelled becuase she was sick. it was fine, the other girls appointments cancelled too.. which was stange, but left us time to talk. i took some time to have food and then waited for my first appointment. it was a mens haircut and i was glad to get a new client. his name is ryan and as soon as i saw him.. i liked his eyes. he had a head of crazy hair and wanted to clean it up a bit. he was interesting from the start. i found out that he is an artist.. graphic designer that is now a designer for billanbong. wow, this is really exciting. he seems really quiet... i liked his voice. it was funny that london's client talked to him more than i did during the appointment. she was interested in his profession, i was intrigued with what kind of art he shows. we continued our talk and he asked how i ended up out here... i proceeded to talk to him about the adventure to get here. "sounds like the beginning of a movie". yes.. that it does. i had to contain my excitement about meeting him. i wanted to ask him to hang out... but i'll see if he comes back for another haircut. i had another mens haircut right after, i didnt remember him from the time before... but after some time into it, we established that i had met his wife a few weeks ago from niya. small town... even in a big city. i need to learn to watch what i say. i had a meeting with robert about how i was doing at work. it was nice to see numbers and know that i am actsully making money, and i have and 55% retention for clients. it is just unfortnate to see how much i could make if i didnt give sixty percent of it away, but thats how you have to start. robert made the comment that i must have something going on that people liked. i suppose, i'm planning on creating quite a following. i talked about some other things, i remember saying to him about how i am having a hard time with the entire move, i'm trying to rely on God right now. watching sermons online and just trying to learn the moral code for how i can keep good things coming, passing it back around. i am truely blessed with this life, but why is it that we long for what we once had? it's not that i want it again... it's that i need it to be a part of me.

i talked to london for just a bit about how i dont think that i am meant for just one man, he smiled and agreed with me. "i am inspired by strong independent women, goddesses don't belong to just one." this is true, i actually belong to the universe... i belong to the world... all the dimensions where each path has been crossed before. 

'they' come for the experience. that is what i will become. the tehra burton experience. you never know what will happen. i'm stuck in my head too much to explain what i mean by this. its actually a phenomenon. 

Jeremy came to see me at the salon just around four thirty.. We went out to the back patio to sit and talk about the details of the journals and bracelets. He brought some red bow ties and I chose which one i  wanted. I went with a larger one that was made of the blue-red matte finish. I debated in my mind if this was the right choice, I'm still not sure that I will give it to harry, I'm debating keeping it for myself. I could wear it in my hair,'I'm just not sure if it is his style, he has a mind of his own. 

I enjoyed my time with jeremy. It was nice to see him... Up close. I noticed today that he has the most amazing sea foam green eyes. In natural light they are magical... Suppose this explains why he looks down a lot. He knows. I tried to look into them as much as possible.. I wanted to see him more clearly. Everytime I see him he looks better.. More appealing. Our time was cut short because I was scheduled a last minute highlight appointment. It caught me off guard ... So I went to get ready. She was a quirky blond girl from New Orleans.. And she was on a strict time budget, she had to go get her boyfriend from the airport. I quickly foiled her hair, high and low.. The pace of the music helped speed up the process. I think london chose it because it reminded him of being at a rave or the electric daisy carnival. For the past few days we had been tossing around the idea of taking a last minute flight to Vegas to run around.. but neither of us can really afford it and we both have appointments. 

Niya came in around seven and I put a gloss in her hair... It was so quick and I needed to leave it in longer.. But I felt guilty for keeping london there late so i let it only stay on for about ten minutes. It was enough time to dull the brassiess and blend the line of demarcation. She made me a wine drink and I drank it fast. I cut her hair and styled it, she looked great and then we headed to the liqueur store to get shots. We made the plan to go to an art show that jeremy told me about... But time was getting away from us and we were stopped by a woman that was walking along, she had just been to the liqueur store as well. She started to talk to us about how she has worked hard her whole life to raise two handicapped children. the conversation was tough, she just needed to talk to someone, to get her point across. i think that we were just supposed to listen and let her know that God is on her side. without him, we are to achieve nothing. after almost an hour of standing outside of her shop talking.. i was watching the sun set and realizing that it was getting late. we were planning on meeting up with jeremy at an art show on fourth and cherry… but it was getting late. by the time we biked to my house the show was almost over and jeremy had texted me that they had left to go to band practice. niya and i took our time getting ready and taking shots of vodka right from the bottle. daniel and ian thought that it was funny to see us do this… as we made faces and chased it with cranberry juice.  we walked downtown… it was a nice walk and the temperature was really nice. we walked all the way to pine and decided to eat at allergia. the host was immediately friendly and assured us that we would have a table shortly and showed us to the bar. i was excited to have sangria, usually latin restuartnats have good sangria… and theirs was very good. carlos.. i believe that was his name… set us up in a nice table by the window. we sat beside each other in the booth so we could have a good view of everyone in the restaurant.  he offered to take a picture of us… and after a few shots we managed to get a decent one. its funny because neither of us photograph that well. but overall i was happy with the outcome, its just so rare that i even get a photo.  our food was good, i enjoyed the empanda the most. the vegetable lasagna was good… but alitle too sweet for my taste. i think maybe it was cooked with a white wine or even too much cheese. something was off and i remember it tasting better last time i tried it. we weren't sure of our plans for the remainder of the evening so we stayed and listened to the salsa band that was playing. people started to dance around and we were both very amused by the outfits that these spanish women dressed up in. i love to people watch, i really like to see what girls wear out now… its all ill fitting and scandalous, especially on saturday night.  jeremy began to text me again, asking what i was going to do for the evening. we didn't really have any other plans… so we deiced to meet them on fourth st. we took a cab and go dropped off at ferns. the place was a complete dive… including pool tables and poor lighting. there was a girl singing on stage… kinda joan jett like… but she finished her set shortly after we arrived. there was no sign of the boys.. so they must have moved on to another place close by. we saw that the red room was close and walked there… still no text from him so we scanned the place and i found him. he looked like he was in the process of texting me and i startled him with a "boo". it was kinda comical and i wasn't sure what to expect. he was a lot more charismatic that i had anticipated. his gestures and movements were full of more energy and i think it might have had something to do with the alcohol. he offered to get us both drinks.. which is very gentlemen like. then he introduced us to his friends… billy and joel. they are both very retro looking characters.. these are his band mates. we talk for a while, billy is very talkative and i find out that he is  a barber at razor backs… which is right down the street. the music is too loud and the crowd is to be desired so we decide to walk somewhere else. i believe we ended up at the v room? I'm not really sure.. but it was better. much calmer and the dj was playing good music. the boys were everywhere, they kept disappearing to chat off in weird places… leaving niya and i to occupy ourselves. we decided to take up space with our dancing skills… the music was appropriate and we made our own dance party. we were the only ones dancing for some time, a few people joined in…but they mostly stayed off into the distance and talked to one another. i caught billy staring at us… while he was supposed to be talking to a girl, i suppose we are more entertaining. towards the end of the night the boys were over by us dancing… they claimed that they don't do this often… dance, but we made it look like so much fun. dancing is one of my favorite past times. well.. one of the many things i love. i spotted joel hitting on a girl… his dark features stand out to me… and his obnoxiously long beard. we walked over to a taco place next store and each got a snack… then niya and i decided to walk home. it was close to my place and the walk was good for us. the boys said their goodbyes and I'm sure wanted us to hang out more… i like their hugs, very genuine. 

niya had to get up at six am the next morning so she fell asleep immediately and snored the whole night. i couldn't sleep and tried to wind down by getting high… washing my face and writing. i felt very inspired to write several pages… trying to just let the words flow without thinking too much about them. i was surprised with how much i got out before falling asleep with the pen in my hand. 

one.hundred.forty.three.

journal entry. 

the first day of summer  ---- the super full moon is upon us. i sat on the west coast porch with Ali & Ian. really all you need is a porch & friends.... food and i could be satisfied. all the thoughts in my head are overwhelming. i choose to sleep instead of write or focus on task that require me to.. i can't stop thinking about myself and what the fuck i am trying to do here. the picture is so much bigger, so much more important that me. but instead i am stuck in my mind. my whole entire life lead me up to this... lead me to this. i was created for this, made for this. i could lose everything with what i am doing, but i came into this world with nothing. it is no surprise i should leave with nothing. i have all the love in world. i literally spin a web of peace that will transcend across the world. the time has come to change. i sit and listen to Jimi Hendrix. listening to the minutes pass away. closer & closer to what i am trying to achieve. this is a strange ride. i just need to pray more, focus on keeping my faith strong. 

one.hundred.forty.two.

journal entry.

2:20am june 20th

I don't feel like writing for public anymore. only for myself. the silence leaves only a ticking clock. a moment i have been here before. i pause and remember a scene with a journal. Gabriel is really happening to me. i used to have a crush on this "character" from the lion king... he looks like him, but the human version. the discoloration of his skin around his mouth and hands intrigues me. reminds me that he is an animal. the arc angel as Daniel reminded me this evening. yes. i do realize this. what is he doing with me? i talk about him too much. but he takes over my thoughts. captures them and takes his toll of what he wants. he has changed things about me already. i like what his spell is doing. Niya said "i can't take credit for that". she saved it all. he we slept together that first night... it would all be over --
thank goodness we don't even remember our first kiss. drinking does this to me. i only know how to move like an animal and make a mess... that is gone the next morning. 

one.hundred.forty.one.

Wednesday. 

I let myself lay in bed for awhile ... The darkness and no need to get moving was a wonderful feeling. Gabriel texted me first thing.. Asking me about what I was doing for the day. I told him I was still in bed, surrounded by my iPhone, iPad and MacBook. The usual for me... I like to sleep with technology. He shared some songs with me and I laid and listened to them. Looked over my schedule and worked on a few things.. Made doctors appointments. I was lucky to be able to get in to my funk while I'm home, that's always a pleasure. But it has been a year and I need to get it done while I'm still on my parents insurance. 

I got up and went straight to the deck to lay out. Day number two on the porch, getting a tan. I sent gabriel a picture of my "my view"... Mostly my tan legs and the coastline. He liked it.. Complimenting my body.. It's such a pleasure to have that attention from him. I wonder why I am so interesting to him.

I spent a lot of time on the deck listening to djs on soundcloud and writing. Then I ate some lunch and got myself ready to bike to the clothing store. It was a nice ride... I'm not sure of biking to redondo in the evening, a lot more traffic. I came up with a creative outfit for the occasion. I absolutely love making up outfits that are weird and unusual. Orange ombré skirt that made it to the music video of andrew McMahon, striped tank I got in NYC and my teal cheetahish sleeveless button up from San Francisco. It was good, I took a photo and posted it on Bella Mia's Instagram. I helped her get dressed and accessoried her with Stella & dot. I did a quick display.. Hoping to maybe make a sale, but no luck. We sat around and drank water.. Had some fruit and a salad, then add wine and a few sales... We had a grilled cheese. The evening was spent talking out Tomas's nonsense and our future goals and plans. I am really falling in love with her.. We are on the same level, she complimented me and said that I was one of the reasons she was getting her passion back. She needs some one on her level, someone to push her harder. I think I can be that person in her life... She just needs an independent female to help her.. Support her, instead of take from her. She is the type that attracts those that just need and take and take. Oh course I talked to her about my infatuation with the idea of Gabriel... "I can take credit for this" she laughed. Then we looked over a journal entry that I wanted her to know about. How to be a ninja? That's all I had to google to get me on the right track... And now I am achieving these dreams. I've achieved almost half already and I only made the list in October. Funny how things like this work... We passed the time until eight and at the last minutes a few clients came in and bought two dresses. This was really exciting...  We closed the store and walked down to Terrance studios which is a new salon right down the street,  and I liked it as soon as we walked in. The patio area was cool.. Terrance was sitting out on the porch having a cig... It was dark. I looked around and could see that this place had great potential... Niya introduced us and before you know it... We were talking about how amazing the Outer Banks is.. He was there a few summers ago. We talked about how beautiful it is and I think he went to the Pit while he was there.. At least that is what it sounded like by the way he described the place. We sat out there and enjoyed the evening.

one.hundred.forty.

Tuesday 

I slept in later than I intended, but woke up just in time to check the yoga schedule and see that Darren was teaching today. I debating laying in bed, but this would be my last class with him for ever possibly... So I decided to get up and get ready. It only took me a few minutes and I was out the door. It was a beautiful sunny day out and I was thankful that I got out of bed for the day. As usual I was the only one who came to class.. And I realized I had forgotten my mat. Luckily they had mats I could borrow, I choose a thick brown mat ... When I unrolled it, to my surprise it had electric blue flowers on the bottom corner. I love the mat and thought about if I could buy it from the studio, but I let that thought pass. I talked to him about my shoulder and he said he had to skip last week because he was very sick. Seems we were both struggling a week ago. He decided to take it slow for the class.. Focusing on the movements and breath, paying close attention to each posture. His assistance is the next part. He pushes me to the next level, once it hurt so bad I had to give in.. But after that initial moment, I was able to push through the remainder of the class with out much pain. I knew that I could push my body hard, it needed it. The sweat was dripping down my face and I knew that I looked a mess as usual. It was a good class, I discover a few things about myself. He said that I had amazing control of my movements and breath. I was working really hard to focus, even with all the thoughts bouncing around in my head. We chatted after class and I reminded him that I would be leaving for a few weeks and it might be our last class. I thanked him... I told him that he was one of the only yoga teaches so far on this side of the country that really challenged me. I must say.. I really liked how when I was in twisting poses, he would have me push against him... And how he would massage my back while in certain poses. It was a nice touch.  

We said our good byes and I was off. The day had warmed up and my bike ride home was quick. I heated up the leftovers from the night before, since all of my food was gone. I spent some time catching up with clients from home. Answering emails and scheduling appointments. I also had a lot of laundry to catch up on and the washer is broken so you have to turn the nozzle for each time. I kept forgetting and letting the laundry just keep washing. I laid out on the deck for awhile to try and get some sun before I go home.. To all the pretty tan girls. I was able to relax for alittle while and get some more writing done. I texted gabriel and he sent me a picture of himself soaking wet from sweat.. About to shower. I was nervous and didn't click on the photo until later in the afternoon. He has a stellar body and it made me nervous. It was weird in a way.. A boy has never done that before, but he is a photographer.

It is market food day with my Ali cat and I walk to her house. Ian had just gotten home and Sydney was running around, freaking out. We drove to the market and made it quick, getting the usual fruit, avocados, granola, salsa and of course cake balls! Then off to ulta and whole foods. I love our shopping trips together.. Our time together in general. All day I had been contemplating texting gabriel to see if he could hang out... I debated just leaving it alone, but Ali advised me to just put it out there. I mean.. What do I have to lose. We like each other and our constant communication is important in the beginning. Ali and I were so distracted at whole foods.. Like we had lost motivation. I just stood in the produce section looking around, almost lost. I felt overwhelmed and hungry and I knew that I couldn't afford much food. I'm leaving in a week so I wanted to be cautious to not purchase too much. We made it out of there with the cheapest amount of groceries yet.. Only fifty dollars. The older gentleman checking us out complimented our selection of food "very healthy". He said that is why he chose to work there.

I went home and unpacked, ate a snack and did my usual night routine. I was tired and stared to think about packing and leaving... I spent some texting gabriel, not much... Just little things, then fell asleep with my laptop and all the lights on. 

one.hundred.thirty.nine.

I wake up to a text from alex at home... Miss you. It's the small moments that make me smile and knowing that first thing this morning... Or maybe even after a night of no sleep from the hound dog show at goombays... He was thinking of me.

I put this day off.. For a few days. So I'll leave out the boring details. 

I had two men's cuts that came in first thing, good timing. The first guy was good, but he told me horror stories about his past haircuts.. And he now understands now how to appreciate a good stylist. He reminded me of a few of the boys at home... The type that are good looking, go to NC state and know how to sail a boat. Our conversation was good.. And he liked his haircut. I was glad, the catch is... I'm leaving for a few weeks. The next guy caught me off guard and immediately complimented my "back to the future" t-shirt. Well... that is exactly where I am going. He laughed. I'm impressed he saw the shirt from under my black cutting apron. He was a character, a teacher of fiction writing, makes sense. He was really amused by London and I, said some clever things that I wish we would've written down immediately. But I didn't, instead I gave him a good haircut and some entertainment.

The rest of my day i wanted to leave it up to getting writing done. I talked with London some. I enjoy our new space together. He is trying to figure out what is next for his life... The end of The Loft is not the end of us, we must remember this. We agree to put his dreads back in, he wanted it done before I leave and im trying to not put things off this time, or I'll have to pass up on what I really want  to doing...

I sat out on the deck and was able to write. I keep putting my days off ... For days. Then I forget things... Have to re-live them in my head to remember. London came outside to read beside me.. But he couldn't, said it was a hammock nap kinda day.  When he went inside, I fell asleep sitting in the chair. It was hard on my neck, as it was hard to stay asleep comfortably.  I had a few moments to wake up and write some more before Shannon came outside to tell me that it was her last day. I could tell that something was bothering her.. She started crying and I hugged her. It's a hard move and when you have worked somewhere for a long amount of time it is always upsetting to leave. It's mainly the people that you miss. It's never the job... But I think the change will be good for her. She needs a change and the negativity at the salon can finally subside. 

I came inside for a minute to see what was going on.. Not much. I went back out to the porch for hours to finish my work. It took hours, but I was finally caught up. Just in time for my late night color client. It caught me off guard because I didn't realize I was going to be doing a color. I did it the hard way too... I could've cut out an hour of time.. But I went the long way this time. I'll see if the color holds up. She had just moved to Cali over a year ago from Puerto Rico. It was fun that we were able to connect on that level first thing. She was highly amused by me.. And we had similar boy stories. I'm assuming that she is in her early thirties... She surfs and is beautiful. She is a also friends the trumpet player from SOJA ----

So here we go... I'm going to finish this day. It gets late fast, but it is nice the sun doesn't set until around nine o'clock. London waits until I was done and we walk to cafe neo. It was such a lovely evening... Everyone was sitting outside. I wanted to be out doors too..we sat down at a nice spot by the wall. I was really thankful for this meal. We are so funny and bizarre together.. You would think we were a married couple that had been together for years. I looked through all the choices.. And went with chicken, spinach, feta and vegetables. It was good, sort of bland... But that is how Mediterranean food is prepared. Adding just a little bit of salt and pepper makes a big difference. Our waiter was taking a long time to help us... We get restless sitting still too long. I was getting anxious because of how late it was getting and I had so much work to do. I had been thinking about Gabriel all day... Just simple day dreams. I checked my phone while London was getting the check. I was so excited to see his comment... Art and drinking night... I want to be there with him. I like to day dream about our time together working on art projects. I blushed and text him a few things.. 

London and I began his dreading process around eleven o'clock... Listening to jazz beats and looking at fashion that I had tagged on Pinterest and saved on my iPad. He liked the stuff, I've been working hard at getting ideas together and finding things that are timeless that we could one day create. He flipped through the rest of my photos and I could see that he was intrigued. He stopped to read a message that Harry had sent me, I took a picture of it because I was so excited I guess I wanted to save that moment. Then he flipped too far and stumbled upon a picture of me naked... Just my back. I was taking pictures with my iPad of a hairstyle that I liked. He laughed and turned it off... "You have a very nice body mama". I giggled. I was on a good movement through his hair, I finished up around two in the morning. After a lot of tea and just a few minutes of break to rest my cuticles.. He was dozing off into sleep. I wasn't that happy with the outcome this time.. I felt too tired to be as picky. I hope he liked how I did it, hairstylist are so very critical of each others work.

I texted Gabriel that my fingers hurt... Actually my entire body was achy. He said really nice things to me.. One day I will have him run me and bath and rub my feet. I biked home pretty quickly and then needed to wind down for a bit before falling asleep. I stayed up texting him, our constant chatter. I could get used to this. 

one.hundred.thirty.eight.

It creates a visual connection between who I am and what the others see.  It makes me feel safe and secure to think that others may understand me better through the image I put forth. For me, it doesn’t depend on who I’m with or what I’m doing; dressing in a sophisticated and feminine way is something too natural for me to detach from.--camilla-alibrandi

I woke up hurting and still too drunk.. The air mattress he blew up was so uncomfortable.. And he was crowding me. He was getting anxious and couldn't sleep.. I can always sleep and wanted to be left alone. The room was a mess and I was naked, the usual. Pleasure feels good but I decided against it and made it a point to tell him that it wasn't happening. I put on music to clam my nerves and laid there alittle longer. He tried again and I kissed him more... But I didn't feel anything. I held onto Harry's pick on my necklace and closed my eyes. I want to be so far away from where I am right now. He makes the comment that most likely he will never see me again. i tell him that he will never forget me...He leaves and I get up and proceed to clean up the mess I made. I realized that I lost my St. John bracelet. I have been wearing it for years... It's so comfortable and perfect.. But that is the sacrifice I had to make for my behavior.. To lose something precious to me. I texted jeremy about it and that I was so thankful that he took pictures of my bracelet because I lost it.. He sent me a picture of one he had just made that was identical. Really!? Is this my life? That is pretty wild and it made me feel better that maybe, perhaps I can er this replacement one .. And never forget my "time". I get ready and bike to the clothes store.. Opening up and enjoying the sun.. The slowness of the day. Niya is late for her coffee job and when she shows up we laugh about the night before. It's funny because we needed that fun night. We needed to relax and act twenty-five.. So basically drinking too much and acting wild. It was good that we could do it in the comfort of our own city... That feels somewhat safe.
She told me the details of after they lost me... I warned her that I disappear with boys quite often and that Ali's apprehension of my disappearance was only normal from our past experiences together. I should most likely not be left alone anymore. "Just keep an eye on me". The day was long, but I love it when we work together. She brought me coffee and I fed us an egg and avocado sandwich. It was good.. Only one sale though, we need the shop to be busier. I spent the whole day looking at this fashion blog website that gabriel recommended I check out. He has put a spell on me.. One that I can't seem to break. I talked about him to niya too much the night before... And I should apologize to her about one comment in particular that I made about being 'in love' with him... She said "you better be in love with me!" And thinking back... I am. I'm in love with the idea of him... But I truly believe that I moved to California to be with her... And of course Ali. The night before she shared with me a compliment that made me feel really good.. About how she would've gone crazy on ian if I hadn't of moved here. It made me feel good... She is such a good friend to me... That "one" that understands where you came from.. That gets you. We don't share feelings well.. But this was a really nice thing to say. I told niya about it and we laughed at how much fun we are going to have together. We all match well and are different enough from each other to keep it interesting. All the giggles clothes and music we will get into..
I was craving a burger and started to plan where we will get one.. The patio at ej Mallory's across the street is the perfect place. We walked to the back patio where I met jeremy just a few nights ago... And she loved it. "How did I not know about this." We split a burger and had soup and salad.. It was perfect and we talked about things. Tom in particular. He is a character... He inherited a ridiculous amount of money... And is in love with niya. He reminds me of Joey... We talk about all the wonderful things we could do with that amount of money and then discuss why it just isn't fair that she doesn't like him. She doesn't like him because of what he loves... Money... But it's all he knows. When you have that much.. It's always guaranteed. Human love is not something he can buy... He doesn't know it or understand it... The poor people know love all too well. It's what is free to us. "We" know it well... We are surrounded by it. 
I biked home and ian and daniel greeted me. Daniel laughed at me about the night before. He said he didn't have his glasses on but he could tell my guy had a fro and was cute... And laughed about the noise and crashes coming from my room. I laid on the floor and laughed about it. Then drug my blankets out into the living room and made a little nest to lay in.. Like a kid. We watched a terrible movie that was supposed to be a comedy.. That lasted forever about identity theft. It was weird to watch... Stuff like that happens. Con artist are tricky people. I got bored and got on Pinterest to add more photos to my bizarre boards.. People are starting to follow me and I can waste hours away just looking at the pictures. I keep getting so inspired to work with a photographer.. One that is dark and seductive in his manner.. To match my mood. Hours later I'm still laying in the floor.. Pinning.. The boys are now watching true blood... Which is a crazy show about vampires in the south. I think harry might be a vampire... And the more I learn.. The more I think that I am a weirdo.
I showered and laid my shoulder on ice. It felt good to just lay on the cold to help the swelling. I have hurt myself over the past weeks.. And I keep making it worse. I try and stay up to write and edit some blogs.. But instead I fall asleep. 

one.hundred.thirty.seven.

My dreams reflected my anxieties as  I dreamed that I had to move to another place. I don't remember much, just the essence of what was happening. The wood paneling.. Just like Michelle's house, was the room I would be moving into.. Strange. I was apprehensive about the move and I could see the old world college campus that I used to enjoy seeing. 

I was able to get enough sleep last night.. Which was I was thankful for... And has made it easier to get up and be on time for work. My routine 

I have broken the routine, now I'm struggling with getting things
Done. I keep putting them off.. As I am bored now and can see that this may be unimportant. But it is indeed not... And I need to keep writing. 
Ever since I could see the light that is my home approaching, I have managed to be too excited... Drink too much and even act, crazy.
The morning at the salon started first thing and reminded me of my "wedding stylist" days on the Outer Banks. The girls show up with their long hair soaking wet, and clean. Honestly this is just terrible, and whoever advised them that this was a good idea... Goodness. I could tell the girl was lying when she started to stutter and said that the girl on the phone told her to have it "down". Since when does... Down.... Imply that you have it soaking wet. So this is how we start their wedding updos. The two girl's younger sister is getting married today at a golf course nearby. They became somewhat interested in conversation, but with most wedding parties, they are pre-occupied in the chaos of the day. It took me while to dry and curl the hair, it was frizzy and flat and I couldn't  really get it to behave, but all of my years at Divas prepared me for this moment. I can whip out an updo in under an hour.. And most of the women are satisfied with the outcome. It's a way that you have to talk with them to coax them into being happy with something that they really didn't want anyway. The style they chose was one that doesn't flatter anyone, it is not natural to have all of your hair piled to just one side, it doesn't photograph well... It's just not good. They all had to have the same style, off to the side. I have done this look so many times that it becomes repetitive and I don't flinch, but get the work done. The younger cousin shows up with her make.up done from another place... It's looked good but it was very heavy. I suppose that it was the beginning of the problem. By the time we were finishing up.. London's client was unhappy and about to have a melt down in the chair. She claimed to be really "picky" and didn't like anything about the way she looked.. Then make.up became another issue. One of the other girls at the salon did my first clients make.up.. Which she hated. The middle sister (mrs.picky) was freaking out on the make.up artist.. When the reality of it all... Was that they wanted to look younger, more like the cousin (who was naturally stunning and young)... And their baby sister was getting married, which created another complex. I was completely exhausted and it was barley one o'clock. I was able to have a minute outside to recap the following day before my next client. Come to find out she was from the same party and did not show up for her appointment. This frustrated me.. As I turned down a haircut thinking I wouldn't have time before her. 
I spent the remainder of the afternoon talking with london, it seemed it would be a quiet evening.. Then the phones started ringing. I was scheduled a haircut with a curly haired client. She sounded young on the phone and that the appointment my be difficult, but I needed to do it.. I could use the money. 
She walked in with an insane fro of curls, the tight kinky type. My stomach dropped and I became nervous, but im hoping that it didn't show on my face. 
She was a beautiful girl that came with her mother, they both seemed apprehensive about my ability to do "this" kind of hair.. And I had to pretend like I dealt with it all the time.  She shows me a few photos of the style she desired, all of them of this stunning girl with a type of faux hawk. I section everything out and began to cut.. She lost a lot of hair, but really it wasn't doing anything for her. After an hour of cutting and london coming upstairs to ease the tension, they still didn't see that I was going to be able to accomplish the style.. We washed her and styled her, it looked great. I was really amazed in myself that i was able to accomplish that look. I should've taken pictures.. As always.. But it doesn't come natural to me to take their picture. I feel like I am invading their space.. And taking away from the ease and happiness they feel after the haircut. So I let my art walk out the door.. Uncaptured, yet again.
This was the end of the day and I was excited to get out of the salon just after seven. Ali and I had made plans to go out to a music festival in downtown long beach. By the time we arrived it was getting dark and the street was crowded. It was cool though.. A DJ was playing while we got a beer and waited in line for a vegetarirean food truck. The selection sounded amazing. It was nice to talk with Ali, we have so much to catch up on. Funny how you can be friends for years and still have things to talk about. She had watched a documentary about gmo's and how deadly they are to our society. They are causing cancer and disease.. As our bodies can no longer function properly. Society has turned lazy and and disguising... Look around. No one has a purpose anymore. This topic always gets me going, we talk about how we will make a change. How will we? Changing ourselves, leading by example and educating the public. It all links back to greed and money anyhow... 
The bands start to play as we finish up our amazing food. The kale salad was stellar and I'm in love with beer battered avocado tacos. The first band is good, a southern country style sound.. Then the head liner Matt Costa comes on. He is a local and they are very excited to have him play announced the event coordinators. An older gentlemen from fingerprints.. Who I wish to meet some day. I was in love at first sight we he showed up on stage all skinny and awkward in his jean on jean outfit. He sat down at the piano with his harmonica and played a song.. "Mr.pitiful" that I recognized as main stream. He played a few more, moving around stage to play several different instruments... One in particular being this most beautiful teal guitar. I was so mesmerized by the color.. And his easy style that I became excited. I began texting niya and jordan about the plans for later, we were all going to meet at the prospector to see another band. Our cab ride to the venue was amusing. It was an Indian guy blaring his music, he has no desire in speaking to us.. The volume was awkward and I was glad Ali filmed it, secretly. We arrived there and it was crowded, we had to play a cover and could hardly move to get a drink. The place was packed with people that looked miserable to be there. Everyone was annoyed, but I suppose it matched the music genre. The band was a weezer cover band... That was not good. I was turned off by the key and tones and the annoyed crowd. We left shortly after finishing a drink.. A seven and seven that I drank too fast. 
We took a cab to a dive bar on fourth, the pike.. Which I had heard that I needed to visit. We walked in and immediately I felt a sense of comfort... It's my west coast version of lucky 12s... The walls I remember to be painted a teal green and the halfway to the bathroom was painted with a big pbr mural. Ironic. The DJ was good... He got me when he started to play funky disco music. I was in love. I guess you could say I was on a bit of a mission... To make.out with a boy. I saw a few with good curly hair, they looked like my typical beach boys... I managed to start talking to one in particular named alex. He complimented my hair and I told him I was leaving and going to another bar down the street. By the time I had said my farewell and walked to the otherside to get niya and Ali... They had ordered Long Island ice teas.. Which are not tea at all... But a blackout poison. We laughed and said our "goodbyes" and then took a shot of vodka. The night proceeded to be fun... From what I remember anyway. I danced around like a little child, it was all rushing out of me like water.. Like a dam that broke, flowing water of nonsense all about the place. I'm sure I was a sight to see too.. With my long hair flailing about with the rythym.. Dancing with this boy and making out with him in public. Ali told niya that I needed to be watched... Niya said to let me be... Then I disappeared.

I don't remember the decision to leave, which worries me that I get to this.. Point where I am in and out of consciousness, but I always seem to function well out of sorts. I convinced him that we should walk back to my place, which isn't that far.. But I remember my feet hurting. We showed up to my place and met daniel in the kitchen. Then we walked into my room... Which currently has no bed in it, which had to be weird for him. I'm not sure how I explained any of it.. He commented on my blue fur coat, I put it on and danced around to who knows what.. He took a picture of me dancing, I'm hoping that it is not clear. But even if it is... I'm in a blue fur coat with insane hair... It's pretty innocent. Who knows.. I never will know. I remember getting into more "adult fun" and then going to sleep. I never remember the falling into sleep part... 

one.hundred.thirty.six.

Knowing that I have a 10am client gets me up earlier. I am bored with my clothes and just throw something on. The mornings are never sunny anymore, but covered with clouds. The grayness and repeat invests that my life has come to... I even continue listening to the same songs... Over and over. I'm over this, I'm over the wake up work, eat, sleep routine. My body aches and I try not to think of the pain, but all I want is sleep. 

My first client is lovely every time. She has been coming to me for months now and each time her hair turns out nice. She is graduating and this may be the last time I see her, she is moving to San Jose in the fall for a job. 

Liz scheduled with me today as well.. She is a new client and I have a good feeling about her. She walks through the door and is excited about just getting off her long board. Her hair is a mess and overgrown, it has been months since she has had it done. She shows me a few pictures and we discuss colors for awhile. I could tell she was a hyper one and the scrolling photos immediately distracted her. Once I returned from mixing color.. She brought up the photos.. "Not everyone is an artist. There are so many young people in LA that believe they are part of this scene.. When really this are just hipsters". There is truth in that. 'Hipsters' are those that like to hang out with the artist.. Musicians etc. but they are not talented. She felt very strong in her opinion and I respected that. In my head I was wondering what category I fell into...she also made the point that if you are an artist...you just show up. And then peolple see it in you. I must be that type. I enjoyed her company and getting know her. I learned things about myself through her appointment. She was pleased with the outcome, I wish it would've turned out differently... And then she invited me to come have a drink with her and her brother at the bar next door. I considered it..but shannon asked me to help her with her color so I stayed at the salon. We put a purple toner in.. Which turned out to be a surprise of dark purple roots... But it looked good. Sometimes accidents turn out good. We'll call it reverse ombré, it's the newest trend. We spend some time talking while I curl her hair and I come up with the idea that she should blog about her crazy dating experiences.. Something along the lines of "gentlemen are extinct". It would be a comical display of the real life issue of guys of our generation that haven't a clue how to treat women. 

I am thankful that Jeanette offers to work on my shoulders for a bit. They hurt so bad and the pain makes me feel like I'm going to be sick. It's like all the weight from the stress of being here is caught up in my lower neck. My arms are swollen and tight... The spider web of muscular tension has become unreasonable... It hurts while she works but I know that it will pay off in the long run. After an hour of moving toxins out.. I feel nauseous and I notice that my makeup is a mess. I spend some time cleaning up and then some time on Pinterest looking at insane photos. I'm not sure if this is making the matter worse.. Or inspiring me, but I search toxic photos.. Labeling the board "toxicity" and stumble onto a short paragraph about our American toxic culture. The sex that is being sold.. How we have taken things that don't belong to us and made an industry out of it.. Selling it to others. This opens my eyes and I see a reason to put a stop to it.. But how? 

I text with niya and we decide on the plans for the night.. I complain about feeling lame and being hungry... The same time Ali is texting me the same thing. She shows up looking just wonderful in her insane heels.. With tacos. We escape to the porch so I can scarf them down before my next hair cut appointment. I am so thankful for her right now.. As she reassures me that things will be ok and we should venture into LA to hear a DJ that she met at the clothes store. I tell her how ugly I feel.. And that I'm struggling.. She can see it in my expression and says its just sexual frustration. She is right. I have so much pent up anger and passion that needs to be... Released. I need to make out with a boy that I like, and soon.

My next hair cut is a nice guy from the east coast.. He is a physical therapist in Orange County.. He works with golfers. I ended his story and our quick time together. I got his haircut done fast.. I was ready to leave. 

It was almost eight thirty by the time I was free... Biked home in the dark and then decided to cancel going to LA. I know that it would've been fun, but I was in no mood to even get ready. It seemed like such a hassle to get there... I knew I had a wedding party in the morning, I couldn't risk being late. I stared off into space a lot, just thinking.. Getting. Nothing done. I tried to write.. Couldn't. So I took a shower and painted my nails. I laid on ice to help ease the swelling in my shoulders.. And fell asleep. I had so many ideas and thoughts racing around that they wouldn't settle and I was so frustrated that I couldn't harness them creativity. I am officially burned out and ready to go home.

one.hundred.thirty.five.

Days later. I've stopped writing. I have been dragging my feet, only half ass the whole thing. I'm bored I suppose.. But I need to pay attention.

It's nice to wake up and go to the clothing store. I don't remember my outfit, nor was it one to remember anyway. I cleaned up and talked with niya, we decided that the night before was fun but we were both very tired. I think back to all my nonsense and regret only a few seconds. She brings me my coffee and ice cream, this I look forward to on the days she works at the coffee shop. 

The day is slow and I only make one sale, I spend time rearranging and taking photos of the inventory. I also write just a bit. I don't really want to go to the salon for the afternoon, but I do become restless just being trapped in the store. 

I was expecting a color client later in the event, but she ended up a canceling at the last minute. This is frustrating and leaves me just sitting and waiting for nothing...I don't make any money. The bike ride home was nice, I made a light dinner, soup and kale.. And then I fall asleep before accomplishing anything of value. This is a habit I am forming. Too much sleep.

one.hundred.thirty.four.

 take my time waking up and I spent some of the morning writing. Trying to stay on track. The music is good and I like alot of songs..  I have discovered the band alpine and the soundtrack is wonderful on spotify. I send a few songs to my usual suspects Jaclyn, shell and beck. Niya text me that we are going shopping later, so I get up and get ready. I try and drink enough water and eat.. I dress in the orange flowered pants that niya gave me, and my string insight tank.. I wore nikes while shopping. She picked me up and off we go.. It was funny I met her on the corner and she yelled "hey girl". Traffic wasn't too bad on the way there. We listened to our usual country music and talked about boys and life. Our shopping experience was relaxed, we went through an unusual pattern with our shopping... Picked out a polka dot dress and a few casual tanks. We drank coffee and walked around dreaming about clothes and where we could wear them to.. Oh the events that I dream of.

I have decided that I do not live in the present, but indeed I live in an alter reality that i have created in my mind. I don't see the point in living in present day because that moment ends before you can give it another thought. 

We get stuff in traffic on our way back... Trying to drink a lot of water...an hour later we have to run into the store to pee. Wine down Wednesday begins and I get a few text from sarah and Ali. We price and unpack inventory.. Taking time to hang everything up. Sarah brings us a salad and we share while drinking. A beautiful girl comes in to shop for an engagement party dress. We help her find a few things... She has a beautiful figure and the maxi dresses fit her well. Come to find out she is a waitress at Mai Thai that restaurant we were planning on visiting later. She laughed about it and told us that we can get a round of drinks on her. We hang out and collect a few more girls for the night adventure. The crowd grows... But no more sales for the evening. It has been quiet the last few days. 

We all piled in cars and headed downtown, niya went to get Ali and I rode with Tamara and sarah. The patio at Mai Thai  is nice and we are just in time for music. We sit in a circle and order drinks and snacks. I am already drunk and remember drinking fast to feel more. The chicken and pizza were a good choice of snack. I sit by niya and we talk about the boy at the bar, she had forgotten about this one.. Funny how just seeing each other brings it all back together. I see them texting .. And I begin to ramble on with my drunk absurdity. I know I talk about harry... Whenever she brings him up, I get a glow and can't stop smiling. Some times I squeal like a kid which is over reacting, but I like being dramatic. 

It's much more interesting. I remember niya telling me again how gabriel was so attracted to me... I remember talking about my scars (again) and how they would make a cool art project. But she has a point.. She told me that he will not be it for me... Harry makes me too happy. But the thing is, harry is not for me. I am beginning to come to terms with this now. I take a risk and text gabriel.. Something silly like he is on my mind. I want to put it out there, boys like things like that right? The shy type... I'm a girl of another breed. I know this... I'll let down my guard for him, tonight anyway. He text me back, I dont remember the time line, I just know that I was so excited. It was time to leave before we got sloppy, plus the music was over. Tamara dropped sarah and I off at my place, we laughed and I'm sure were too loud for our entrance. We danced around in my room for hours... It started with Harry's new songs. They always get me going.. I put on my fur and vintage ray bans and danced like a crazy lady. Sarah danced and wished she had her camera.. As we laughed and she pretended to take pictures. "I can see this!! That angle is great!!" It was entertaining and maybe one day I will dance around for her camera. Some film perhaps.. It would be a fun shoot. 

I figured out that I am indeed ridiculous when I drink. The poison gets to me.. And I become some many different characters. Where do they come from? I was the life of our two person party. I like that she gets me.. I like that she is amazed with my movement, and she is not shy to chime in. She sees that thrill in the joy of happiness. I suppose enough love counts for it all. She wants me to have 'this' love that I so passionately parade around. Is it all pretend? Yes, I believe so.. But as a character in my made up world.. I ask and even require others to dance on my level. 

I continue  to dance and share with her bands... The x ambassadors I can't contain my excitement. She comments.. "This is post apocalyptic music..." Why do I appearing in this image... The end of the world trend. I wouldn't mind if it did end... I've done my living. I have been here for a long time, it only makes sense that I have been traveling through decades.. Even generations of souls. I could die tonight and be content. But I suppose my work is not done yet, I keep coming back for more. This parallel of earth leaves me asking many questions of why this is this... Or that. But indeed it doesn't matter... Cat power takes us down a notch and we both lay on the floor and stare at the popcorn ceiling. In the hotel room of many years... The souls and stories these walls have seen. I hope this moment becomes something down the line. You won't know the power of your past actions until many days down the road. Each one is insignificant until it becomes 'the' movement that I wish to see. 

Shall I compare myself to the great gatsby? Is this life that vain? I am.. And will be a timeless figure of hope and happiness. But my life will embody the pure depression and stress of the sorrow we each feel. That is the balance. In order to feel such joy... We must know the darkest shadow that we all stand in.

I told sarah that as a child I had a crush on scar from the "lion king". She had a funny look on her face and said, I've never heard anyone say that before, you are so different, and I suppose you like bad guys... I liked scar so much, he was so skinny and sly... Reminds me of a certain some one that I'm about to play with. I hope he dances the tango. 

one.hundred.thirty.three.

this day. is one that i lost forever in the dream land of not… remembering. 

i woke up early and laid around..listening to music and getting distracted in my head. my side hurts and i debate not going to yoga…but this is my favorite class. the class that pushes me to the hardest of my challenges to be "perfect". i check the online schedule and its cancelled, i feel relief that i didn't have to skip the class…there just wasn't one. so then i could lay down and write about my day. then i fell asleep again… and slept most of the day. i did wake up a few times and try and write, check instagram… look up bands. i needed to be watching podcast or something. but no, i just slept… got up to eat and daniel said i looked dehydrated, and that is why i couldn't do much, that is why i slept all day. i can believe that, i do need to be drinking so much more water. 

i ate some leftovers quickly and got ready to go to yoga… i was able to get just a bit of writing done just before it was time to leave. i thought that i would meet her out front at five and wait, but usually when i am early or on time… it never works out. i waited for while and went and stood on the stairs at the end of the street…. i don't get out enough. today was a beautiful day and i just slept… all day. cancelled everything, from being outside. i do that a lot, the comfort of my dark room. we were too late for yoga in naples, which was fine. i didn't want to be in a car anyway. we changed our plans and parked the car. yoga was at the park at six and we had plenty of time to go. we even had time to walk to the market and get a few groceries. i was excited about this…and cakeballs! then we walked over to the bluff and set up between a rock and a tree, just the two of us. the grass was a vibrant green and the shade and sun was perfect. the experience reminded me of being a child at the end of summer afternoons. we grew up in such a magical place in the woods… the teacher was a young guy by the name of drew. ali says to me immedielaty "i think he is hot". oh man.. i couldn't look. his words were nice and all the movements flowed well. i like it when things flow well… each movement he took time to explain and gave some good advice along the way. he reminded me of ashton. his look mainly, and then a bit of the primal mentaltitly.  i enjoyed the journey with him. i needed to stretch and work some things out. i have been tense, i will be tense for awhile in caliofrnia. i just need someone to touch me… soon.

we stay after and sit on our mats eating cake and cookies that we bought from the market. it was fun , the weather is absolutely perfect and i want to have our picnic forever. we sit and laugh and catch up with each other. she is having a hard time in her marriage and i can see how it would be hard… ian is being selfish and its making her do the same…this relatiosihop will go no where if it continues like this. we decided to walk to paradise to have dinner. its a short walk and the sunset is really bright and vibrant. i like looking at this… we have some drinks, tacos and split a turkey burger. the night is really wonderful. we have had really good service every time at this restaurant. and it nice that they split the meals for us. we sat for awhile having another margarita, we just like to drink sometimes. we walked to rite aid to get a few things (detergent and alcohol) and our walk home was good. the weather is much nicer now… almost eighty during the day and sixty at night, pretty amazing. we hug and walk our separate ways. i decide to wash sheets and take a shower. just a shot of brandy and i get…. clean. i wash my ridiculous amount hair, not with out staring at myself in the mirror, dirty hair is always the best hair. i just want to take a few pictures of it. one day. i take a shower and fall asleep yet again with all the lights on… the music is so good, i wake up dreaming about turning down the volume. its was kinda comical. 

one.hundred.thirty.two.

i keep putting things off because i suppose time is moving faster now that there is a lot to do. i keep trying to write but instead i start thinking and before you know it…I'm staring off into space, just thinking about all i have do…what i have to do… and then where that will get me (see, i did it again. the songs over and over and over again. i dance around, I'm so excited. I'm so ready for all of this. its going to be a lot of fun. my new life as a business meeting. all in the name of fashion.art.music) i just have so much to do and learn.

monday monday is the new friday. i like ending my week this way, I'm always busy on monday. its good, i've been booked. i had a client first things, matt. he was a character that i wasn't sure of at first. sometimes people do not look like how they appear, he reminded me of clay mchpherson. this was a compliment in a way.. he had grown out hair from traumatized experiences around long beach. seems the only style for a guy is the really tight shaved look. i don't even know how to do that style. we hit it off after he joked that he was the music editor for the great gatsby… after i had just finished ranting about how the music needed to be better… different, original. funny… i laughed.. and we had good conversation. I'm not sure if he liked his style… but we'll know if he decides to come back. i think i will do well with men, forever as my clients. he is from chicago, i like his old world manner.

i was able to sit outside in the morning and write, which was really good to catch up. the sun is warm and feels good on my feet. trish lets me know that i got a walk in color. i was excited about this… and was glad i still had time to eat and get situated. she was a nice girl, but she looked much older than she actually was. i guess that is from being outside? or stressed. she is a nurse at the local hospital, but you can tell that she wanted more. her color turned out nice, not exactly what i was going for… but I'm getting there. it will take more time to perfect my color skills, but here i am again working at a salon that is out of colors that i need. frustrating.

i talked about music some to her, just a little bit. i find that talking about myself is the only thing i know… so its how the conversation turns. so that is how it naturally is i suppose. 

i have time after to take a nap on the porch, it is sunny and i let it hit my back for an hour. london came outside and hugged me. I'm not sure why, he did it quickly and i was half asleep… then summer came out to let me know that my afternoon appointment was there. i like him, he is a good guy. we connected last time with asheville and the critters. i like his personality, and he has a cool job where he designs lighting for building, salons etc. cost effective lighting options. he told me about this concept salon in san francisco where each salon has its own glass cubicle where you rented out sections. seems like a really cool idea if i could find a place like that near here, possibly in downtown LA? its a thought. this sparks the thought that maybe i should be in the city more, the out skirts are comfortable to me now… funny how that happens. but it is only comfortable because of my situation. in a few months the time will… change.

my last appointment is a new client who is friends with summer. i like his enthusiasm. he is going to school in indiana, excited kid. i shared some stories with him about my travels across the country, about how much i learned…experienced. 

i met him out in the patio area behind the bar. i really like this spot, its quiet and the weather is pretty so.. its always nice to just sit outside. i had some soup that i was disappointed in. it had too much salt and now that i am not eating much salt, it was hard to adjust to.

jeremy had a nice fitting red shirt and dressed in a way that was very european. he had a leather bag that i liked seeing the raw made… 

he was different than i remembered from the first time, but either way i still liked him. i was thankful that i arrived first and could meet him this way. i think our conversation was intense from the first moment. i wish i could remember all of it, but i told him almost immediately… that i wanted to change the music industry. i like to set my goals high that way if i don't reach them… its seems they were too ridiculous anyway. that makes me feel better. we talk a lot about music, he shows me a video of grizzly bear take away show in a small bathroom, i laugh about these in my thoughts, reminds me of alex and our endless days of watching video after video… the afternoons would quickly disappear. soon we begin to talk about the journal, decide the color…size and feel of the book. i decided to let him design harry a journal too… one that is black and white, like a crazy dr. seuss…. "its not easy with rockstars" he says towards the end of the night, we laugh. i show him a video of the boys… harry is dressed insane, which will make him remember it. i really enjoyed jeremys company, like truly i did. he could become a mentor of sorts. 

he is older than i last remembered, but its funny here in california… everyone looks different every time you see them. thats how time passes. he has a scar that i noticed this time, on his right side just below his ear. i thought to ask him about it,but that is for another time. i ask him about his career, which seems interesting. he is a part of the freedom writers organization that gets education to teachers that help at risk children. there was a movie made about his friend that he works for, maybe her name is emily? the freedom writers diary is also something that came from the process. he was a teacher for awhile and has lived all over the midwest and france. he does the grant writing process for the teachers education, but he was excited about his place just around the corner. now he has a studio to work on his leather…its not a quiet hobby. i like his humor, it was witty, funny and quiet. he mentioned that he was in a band for awhile, with a girlfriend of his… he has stories. 

now i have a customized leather book for my thoughts. this book will coincide nicely with my upcoming year. that will no doubt be a mess of more blood and tears for the fight of LA will continue. more on all of this later…

one.hundred.thirty.one.

Why am I feeling so distracted and disoriented when it comes to my writing. Consistency is what I am lacking. But this is how I survive. So I must adapt. I decide to just lay in bed and sleep for the morning, I didn't have to be at work until noon. The first sight I get.. Blood everywhere, all on one of my favorites sets... The corset I haven't had a chance to wear yet.

Niya called to tell me about her car situation and we talk awhile. She is really having a hard time and she has no one but herself. 

I got ready quickly and biked to the store. I spent time opening up and changing.. Taking my time to settle in. I decided to dress up and wear heels and the Aztec red maxi that we bought for the store. My hair is tired up in a bun, and I feel... Pretty. Niya greets me and we talk, she is working next door today.. I feel the need to move and organize today and her back room has been making me crazy. It is all just thrown in there, unorganized and trashed. It comes down to not enough caring.. Too busy to take the time to clean. I start in one corner and before the day ended... Everything was clean and orderly. There has to be a sense of togetherness if anything is going to be accomplished. I want to be able to store things and even escape back there. It took several hours and throwing away, sweeping and moving things around... In a dress and heels. I do my best cleaning in this attire. 

Niya surprised me with a coffee drink in a tiny whit cup. She started to describe it and before she should finish I already remembered. The Turkish style way of serving coffee.. Espresso with a spoon full of ice cream. I took a sip and started to cry... It tastes just as good as I remembered. The mornings when Artem would make me this to wake me up, we would sit on the couch and get high and he would smoke parliaments and tell me stories. I could see his demeanor... He smile all at once. It brought a wash of feelings and the tears came up for just a moment. Niya hugged me... Crying is the new trend.

It was a good day, the time carried on at a good speed and I felt accomplished. We didn't sell much inventory, but the quiet allowed me to work.. Now we are more prepared to get things moving. 

I tried writing for the last hour but I could not concentrate. The afternoon was still bright for the ride home. I am still stuck on repeat with the x ambassadors that I can't seem to move on because no one else sounds like them... Their music gives me a certain feeling. I want to just keep dancing and being really stoked. The music gets me high and I can see listening to it for the next few weeks... Summer 2013. I read a journal entry late night in summer 2011 and I felt the need to share with niya. It was brilliant of me really... At only 23 to come up within myself those ideas. She laughed and I could tell she wants to read more.. I'm considering letting her read the whole thing, but I am so protective over the books... Maybe not right now. I'm not ready to give them up yet. The advice from a younger me is too good. 

I get home and snack , think about sushi with ian and daniel, but I'm glad I declined because Ali wanted to see the great gatsby. I like our last minute life and we hurry to make it on time. We actually moved at a good pace.. Waited in line, got popcorn.. And walked into the movie literally as soon as it started. Our timing was perfect. We both couldn't contain our laughter.. As if we ever can. It was too ridiculous. The movie kept my attention well. I enjoyed all the imagination and the costumes.. The story. Seeing Leonardo Di Caprio on the big screen... He has aged well. I was overall impressed with most of it, the music though.. They could've taken that movie to an entirely different level.. But the music was right. It wasn't timeless enough.. I'm just thankful that the xx was involved in the project. The entire movie made me think of harry and how symbolic all of it is... He isn't going to ever want me, I'm too over the top for him, instead an artist longs for what they used to have.. Hence why they feel the need to Always recreate it...

We got lost on our way home which was so funny because it was completely confusing.. California feels this way to me a lot... Just a bunch of highways and choices that lead you in circles. 

I think that I'm going to write or get something accomplished.. But I can't stop thinking. I'm so stuck in my head with ideas and excitement that I can't record or create the present tense. I have it exactly right, I just can't talk about it.

one.hundred.thirty.

it is a wonder where to begin this day. i decided to skip sleep, it takes up too much time… the porch by the bay. one of the biggest cities in the world… and I'm sitting on a balcony with the orange lights from the ports.. the queen mary staring back at me. 

gabriel. 

is he a man?

i wouldn't believe that it was real if i hadn't been there myself. i think i should keep my mouth shut awhile… but i spilled a lot of the… thoughts from childhood. i told him things i hadn't thought about in a while. 

i liked my outfit, i had to dress up in a way in order to intrigue me… give me energy. i was wearing the geometric black and white leggings i bought with AAron a while back, in feburary. and a big oversized sweater, my stella & dot arrow necklace. sneaker heels. we had a meeting first thing and i was completely exhausted. i couldn't even really focus and regretted not sleeping… but gabriel kept running through my mind. over and over i was replaying our conversation. his hands…

the meeting was a disaster. everyone showed up late… some employees where there. it is just hard. not much is going on, and as positive as i try and be… the reality is…. it is really hard. i decided to speak up and you could hear the pain in my voice, it may have been a little shaky.. but i had something to get across. things are not going that well and we are really slow. the place in quiet and the reputation is hard to build back. 

we were busy the remainder of the day, it was a good thing because i was so tired that i needed to just keep going. i don't really remember my clients, i just know that i was loopy. i think i had a high light client.. and haircut maybe. 

i took a nap on the couch while london watched the front desk… i fell asleep sitting up and it was funny to him. niya came in to talk for a minute.. and we planned to go to the art walk downtown later that night. 

it was good that we went, drinking a quick shot of espesso from a cuban shop and walking around talking to the vendors. i saw matt and his girlfriend from mollyLA. and i also was able to talk to sarah the artist with the hummingbird paintings… we want to have her show in the store. also i bought a candle, 820 from two ladies… it smells like musk, sandal wood. we also were able to see a photography exhibit that i wish i had taken photos of her work. i want to go back and see it with gabriel but it is up only until june 22. 

we were going to go out and get drinks but i was over it and wanted to just go home and go to sleep. 

found these words in an old journal. 

i am a worthy woman. worthy of marrying. i all be a sweet wife. if that day comes, he will be lucky. he needs to work for it, but for a lot of work, so that i know that he will be good for years. he has to want me in order for me to want him. i am worthy of being wanted. sought after. unforgettable. one guy tonight sarcastically said i was the one. too soon. too much. but i want to go to dinner with him. sober. I'm not completely sober, but I'm on another level & not everyone's with me. he seems to be "with me". we'll see. i like dinner. and conversation crazy, weird conversation. from now on its all me, every bit. jeffery bought me sweet orange sunglasses. keeps me on my toes. he has the best music. exactly what i want to listen to. i really like that. he is a good guy, means well & is a lot of fun. but i just can't have him falling love in with me. is it okay to say, "now don't go falling in love with me." i don't think that is appropriate. most likely not, but what needs to be put out there, so no feelings get hurt. kisses. 

what do they mean? because i get a lot of those. i want to kiss your lips again. i can almost remember what it was like, especially that one night, week after we met. insane. but you know, i've worked hard to get where i am & now he has to work hard to have me.

it just can't be that easy. he has to always know that i am worth it.

everything he as to go through will be worth it because he'll have me & then it will be easier, together.

i don't want to sleep with him now because i want to sleep with him for years. so i'll wait, for all these years, i'll wait, because  it will be exactly what we both want when it does happen. he says he wants it to mean something with me, and it will be. it will be what we both need and want because we waited, got to know each other & fell in love.

fallen in love with the good, the band & worse. once you've been there, you know. so in the mean time i'll focus on me & learning. surround myself with interesting and smart people so i'll learn from them. i want to meet my potential. i have everything it takes to be a good deal. 

june 8 2011

one.hundred.twenty.nine.

the sound of going through a car wash is what i awoke to… i was waiting for the window to break in from the pressure of water. i listened to it for awhile. spending time just tossing around. i waited until the last minute to get up… and i didn't write about the day before. it just wasn't the right time. i was excited once again for the bike ride, even though it was chilly and cloudy out. since i have to ride my bike, its nice that it is over cast in the morning, makes so that i don't sweat. (all of my entries are a mess and i haven't completed the following days in order, just when you think you have a good pattern going of order… something changes)

it was so quiet at the salon. i spent porch time and tried to write about my days but i was distracted and came in to… just wait. it was good to see niya, she looked beautiful and we sat and ate a chocolate muffin. we sat around and talked about what we were going to wear for the gallery show. i had an extension appointment in the evening and was glad to spend time with her, i just wanted to start about an hour earlier, then i would've taken my time slower… i sewed the top row in too tight i think. it was nice to spend some time with karen, hanging out and talking about life and boys (men)… and i may have said too much about ali and ian, but it is something that has been bothering me, i needed to talk about it. 

i hurried home to get ready quickly, my outfit was by far one of my favorites. i love that i can buy things years and years ago and they decide to fit so perfectly now. in LA of all places.. i am wearing clothes from all over the country. my hair began to behave perfectly… after just alitle work earlier in the day. i was scrambling around… my tan jacket with the angled shoulders… the urban outfitters "sex kitten" shirt that i choose to wear all across the country… bought it at our insane shopping spree in DC. (i regret this shopping trip…but it was so much fun) my wide leg dark trouser jeans from the consignment store in NYC while shopping with kat… my sneaker heals and stella & dot pegaus necklace. i absolutely love this piece of jewelry. it was a cool get up.. i would say LA worthy. i was ready and laid down on the bed to wait for niya. she was taking forever and i know that we were going to be really late. 

she showed up with a friend, vanessa… from peru. its funny really because she worked at cold stone right by my house a summer ago on the outer banks. its a funny thing about the outer banks… you either know about it, or you don't. just so random that of all the people niya could be friends with… she knows another girl from the obx. so wild. bad news… jordan told niya that he liked her as just a friend, which is really upsetting because she likes this kid so much. she had been crying… as he told her just a few hours ago. I'm surprised really that she pulled herself together so well. she was so pitiful, but her shoes were amazing. on our way there i was trying to find the right things to say to her… all the while, gabriel is texting me that he is headed to long beach. "funny, i'm headed to LA". he is going to be there late working just down the street with his friend mark. i play words with him… telling him that I'm not in the mood to sleep for the night. we got lost a little bit, thanks to the iPhone navigation system… and we were really late. i walked in and you could tell that it was the end of the party..  beautiful girls that don't smile were standing around. i saw one beautiful girl.. and asked her if she was one of the artist.. she was and we chatted for awhile. the artwork was good, i was inspired by a few of the pieces. we took some time looking around… but niya and vanessa didn't really take the time to look at the photos. 

we found a small garden bar area out back and had a drink… the bartender told us that we had just missed the whole thing. a lot of celebrities were there… actors from how i met you mother… and so forth. my stomach dropped and i was upset. i was upset that we missed a moment to be invited to this type of event… and we were late over a silly boy. oh well. i keep my feelings to myself and we sit and talk for some time under vines of pink flowers. 

i texted gabriel to see where that first bar we went to… weeks ago was. "coco something". we found it… coco laurent on 7th and Grand. walking up i began to recognize everything… and we saw vincent as soon as we walked in. he is the owner and made a scene with us last time. i wanted to get to know him, he seems like a genuine guy. we sat at the far end of the bar… in hopes that chad would be working. turns out he has friday off. we chose our drinks, all of which are amazing. just one drink… we talk about boys and vincent comes over the chat with us… tell us about a wine tasting in a few weeks. i was starting to get a buzz and getting antsy about getting back to long beach… something about knowing that he was there. 

our ride back was quick, i texted him the whole way home.

once i got out of the car… i felt relief. i think i might actually get to see this guy.

i spent some time waiting and wondering… catching up on writing and wondering if i should just cancel. it was too late to have a boy over, i was nervous that we would be up to no good.

but i followed through… he made it so easy. 

i made some tea with cinnamon and honey in my charleston, south carolina cup and went out to meet him on third place. 

i was a bit nervous and laughed while running up to his little car, spilling hot tea the whole time. i got in and looked at him.. he seemed different than i remember.

it was so sexy, he drives a shitty stick shift car.

we found a place to park downtown, I'm sure there was one closer to me, but it is the ocean front and parking is so ridiculous. 

we laughed about all of it, how i have no idea about parking. he asked to have a sip of tea.. "of course". "what is that?" he asks… haha… its not tea at all. i laugh in my normal whimsical giggle. i get my cup of tea and begin to walk towards the ocean. i debate taking him for a walking adventure…but decide to just go back to the house. i felt like holding his hand, but its not appropriate right now. 

he says that my place reminds him of his old house in san diego. i wish i could have a picture of the look on his face when i opened the door to my place. everyone has the same shocked reaction. i mean… the view is amazing. i made him some tea and was able to say a comment to him… about how all people have some good within them…"not everyone does". and he looked up at me with those eyes… one eyebrow arched. i love that look.

we sit on the porch and casually talk for hours. so much talking that I'm not sure if i should just relax… and be quiet. we only had a very few quiet moments. he says he likes to talk a lot, fill the silent void because most of the time he is stuck in his head… working on art on the computer.

i shared so much with him. i don't know why i felt the urge to have such intimate conversation with him… but i know that it was better than intimacy. i made us more tea and grabbed a blanket. it was around four am and kinda cold outside. i decided to stay up with him all night. its crazy how fast time goes with him… so fast. he is going to be one of those people, the kind that you want to always be with…but time with them always ends too soon.

i even managed to say that to him.

i also had my southern mannerisms come out… which he laughed so hard at "bless their hearts…" i was talking about giraffes. really. and i told him about how i used to make movies with barbies as stunt doubles. i went all out for the movies… he suggested i put them on you tube. you know, it would be absolutely hilarious to see all of them. maybe one day he will be able to watch them with me and the sisters. it would hurt how much we would all laugh.

the sun began to come up and we joked that the birds were too loud… and the people next door were drunk and staying up really late with us. he liked how i made him feel normal. i like how much we have in common. i liked just talking to him… then the sun did come up. it was over cast and gray… it was nice to not be blinded by the sun first thing. we had to end our time, i showed him quickly my room to show him out… he looked like a little boy entering my fort built of pillows and blankets. did you used to build those? i wonder… i like him. the goodbye was awkward, i hugged him weird… and spent a moment too long looking at this face, into his eyes. its so crazy to think that i have already kissed him before. i don't remember… but he is oh so familiar. 

i laid down to rest for about an hour. twenty minutes later he sent me a smile. 

i wish he was still here.

Those moments that are too good to miss. You shouldn't pass them up just because some of the details don't quite match up with your imagination of how it should be... 

The change in lightening changes the mood. I am still thinking about our night, our all night time to share thoughts. Why did I say all those things? It was very humorous. I keep thinking about his smile. Why must our brains capture a memory and play it so many times ... To make me want more. The time traveled too fast. Over already? Our time is up.

He complimented me on a few things. He seems.. Genuine and I want to just be beside him, leaning against his arm... Holding his hand in an airport. I want to run late with him.. Or be on time. I want to smile and be amazed with his brilliance. I want to share with people this sense of hope.. And cover ourselves with paint. I want to help him achieve his vision, his works of art that involve a muse.. A cat like source of feminine power to prowl through his photographs.

Why.. I am so pleased he just wanted to sit by me. I'm glad he didn't try anything.. The night was too dark, too late, too innocent too precious to mess it up with intimacy. It was all too childlike and wonderful... 

I could go on for days, putting the pieces back again where words fell out into each others thoughts.. But I prayed to god for a boyfriend, a person to push me harder.. If he is it, well I'll take my earthly time to get to know him. I can already see the art work we will create. 

It takes discipline to tell your body not to sleep.. Makes a blur of time that changes the shape of the day. Just a quick nap before I have to be in public. He text me a smile when he got home... I wish he was cuddled up beside me for my cat nap.