one.hundred.fourteen.

In every successful revolution, the intellectuals are the people who hang onto the map of where we're going, and keep us from drifting off course when the chaos of change threatens to blow us into dangerous deeps. They know, better than anybody, how this new order goes together and what we'll need to do to build it.

Emma Goldman said: "If I can't dance, I don't want to be part of your revolution." Our artists are the ones who make sure that we keep dancing, even when things are at their darkest. Without artists keeping them engaged in the grand story of their own quest, people lose focus and wander off. But with that encouragement, they'll dance bravely straight into the abyss, even if they know death is waiting for them there.

http://www.alternet.org/story/154968/6_people_you_need_to_start_a_revolution?page=0%2C1

i get the "unicorn discount". 

ali texted me at five am, "I'm on my way". i was so out of it that i got confused and then jumped out of bed to meet her outside. it only took a minute to get ready for yoga. it was a change of pace to go this early during the weekday and i enjoyed the sunrise and stillness. the class was hot and not that crowded. it was hard but consistent and i was able to pull off most of the moves… it was so nice to get soaked in sweat and stretch this early in the morning. class was over by seven and i went home, washed my face and fell back asleep for only an hour… 

i woke up and considered not going into work. it hadn't occurred to me that i could have an appointment. but i decided to literally drag myself out of bed and make it as close to 10am as possible. the day was nice, sunny… a little breezy, i regretted now wearing a beanie hat. i showed up and london was confused why i came in so late and said that my ten am cancelled her appointment about the time that i walked in the door. i guess that worked out perfectly. i spent the morning outside and just around the salon, it was slow and quiet. i talked to london about my situation and how i needed to get another job. this money issue is starting to wear me down and i am running out of options.  he said that he wasn't allowed to "play" with me anymore because i am the devil… really!? another boy tells me this… too many times. i actually get a little offended and come back with "the devil is an angel too". he claims that he is just kidding, but i beg to differ. 

niya brought me coffee and i was free so we decided to go for a walk, halfway through we decided to get pedicures and turned around to head the other direction. we went to a little shop that she visits often and know the vietinamase ladies. they are nice and i enjoyed my moment of down time to take care of my feet. i haven't done this in awhile, actually over a year. i think the last time was when we were getting our toes done for rachels wedding in april. 

we start to dicuss me helping her with the store and we agree on a few days that i can help out there. she has a little budget to pay me.. enough extra that i can get by and hopefully meet some girls. since the boutique is close to salon and i do most of the buying.. it will be good to get my footing in the fashion industry this way. 

i go back the salon and call ATT to try and negioate a lower phone bill. the conversation is such a success that i managed to lower my monthly bill and also get a credit that allows me to not pay next month. this is such a wonderful thing and i am thankful that i asked. i stayed on the porch for awhile and lounged and did an ab workout with a exercise tool that claudia brought to work. 

we all worked really late, til eight… and i had a lovely women's haircut with a girl named. sara. she dates a guy in a rock band that is local… her demeanor was calm and quiet, slightly mysterious soul. she had crazy thick hair lined with cool blue, green and purple streaks. i liked the placement and tried to give her a good haircut that she could work with. i made a connection with her and of course refereed to my "dream" world of my reality and harry's band. i told her a little about the travel… she seemed intrigued and invited me to a show next wednesday. her boyfriends band is call Dos Boyz, i would like to check them out.

i had a final mens haircut that went well, he was a nice soul from india and i hope that he liked his cut. very peculiar guy… civil engineer who came over here when he was only eighteen to go to school. 

i rode my bike home in the dark and was glad that ian texted me that i could have some dinner that he had made. oliver and andrew were having wine with their theatre friend from the Temple show. i let him know how much i enjoyed the performance… he is such a character. the way he talked about me… was adorable. "so… do you get the unicorn discount". funny you should ask… that is how my day went. andrew pulled out an old 1950s singer sewing machine and began to alter costumes. i realized that he could help me with my sewing if i could ever get that machine! i told him my dream of making maxi skirts and selling them at the boutique i now work at. 

i had a few glasses of wine and wrote a little. then fell asleep holding my laptop. i need to start turning off the light… or my sleep patterns will start to get all whacked out. i seem to not to be able to remember my dreams when the lights are on. i need some dreams soon… i love to run around and live in them, if only for a few hours a night. 

one.hundred.thirteen.

construction started later than usual so i was able to lay peaceful in bed. 

but it wasn't for long. i laid in bed and wrote awhile, taking the quiet time for meditating and writing about my freedom. today was about reflecting my progress. so now i have goals to accomplish. 

i sat on the porch and ate my breakfast, it was nice to be there. its really my favorite place to escape here. 

i called mom and couldn't help but cry to her on the phone. i feel like i have been dealing with all of this on my own. its all I can do to not cry. i hate that i put this on her, but she is our mother. i like how she told me that she could've never done what i did. that they want me home. i just know that i can't leave yet. the tears were a release, i haven't had them much lately, not like the crying for more than just a few drops… kind.

niya was running late, but we move at snail pace so its a perfect match. i can't hide my tears and come into my room too… i don't know. 

one of the construction guys ask's if i smoke weed. yes… i reply. but only a little and mostly just to slow down my thoughts. they have become too much and i need it … to sort things out. our convesation somehow transitioned to how hemp can be used to benefit out country and how we are never going to be happy with this corrupt country… he was highly knowledgable on the subject so we continued to talk.

i liked what he had to say… but his work is a little off by distracting him.

because i could realize it…. i was talking to him about changing the world. 

strange? you think… how can i do anything by myself? 

well, if thats your excuse then fine… but others are interested as well.

niya arrives and we head over to goodwill to see a vintage sewing machine that she found yesterday. it was only fifty dollars and seemed to be in really good condition, other than the fact that it had be sitting someone's garage for at least ten years. it had the directions book from sears.. an old forties kenmore machine that folded up into a desk. it is really similar to the one that london is going to loan me… if only i could get things back into order, hopefully now that all the construction is finishing up. 

we headed to LA to the fashion district and got caught up in traffic. she cried a little today and i scratched her back… its like we needed to see each because we felt the same way. we get deep into talking and i almost feel like I've known her my whole life. its a somber mood but shopping helps. today is much more peaceful and since we didn't make it until almost closing time… it was even quieter. she found a cool pair of shorts and the accessory store was fun. its just fun to shop and now since we can't afford to shop for ourselves, we shop for girls in long beach. 

this time is a learning process and very priceless. seeing all the fashions and how things are chosen to go into stores…i think i really should be a buyer. i guess that is what i am training to do now. its just a matter of meeting all the right people and making connections. its a nice face that people really like … and someone that shows interest in them. niya is wonderful at making these connections with people, its really wonderful how nice she is to everyone. it inspires me. i am quiet and often can leave a room without talking to everyone. not because i can't… but because i'd just rather not.. I'm selfish with my emotions.

we ran a few more errands and she dropped me off at ali's. another oceanfront few, I'm glad it worked out this way. ali and ian were laying on the couch drinking wine when i interrupted everything… it was nice to see and talk to them… and have syd jump all over me. i biked home and spent time cooking myself dinner and food for the week. the peace of just listening to seventies music while ian cleaned the fish tank… he could tell something was wrong. i discussed with him the fact that i can't make enough money… and then oliver came in and told me that there was a hundred deduction for the month because of construction. he said it was difficult to get that even, but anything will help. i spent time with them just talking while eating my dinner. oliver played a video of a young boy singing an original song about coming home… he sounded like hank williams and i was amazed by his voice. i started to cry and took my wine and tears to my room. and cried. 

cried. got myself together and texted allen. i knew that he had been to the hound dogs show, first one on the pier together since i saw them last summer. he said they were a little rusty. and he told me to hang in there. its only a month away before i can see all the love again. until then.

i work on some small paintings, just small details while i listen to iron & wine.

today i learn that nothing worth having is easy. 

one.hundred.twelve.

the construction woke me up earlier than i pleased this morning. there was a lot of movement and chaos scurrying about. i can feel the energy and it was really annoying first thing. it made me get up and i spent some time writing in bed. the last week i had been putting off a lot of things. I've been just over it and the mood had led me to drag my feet… not doing things like i should. i suppose depression is to blame for most of my behavior. it is a real disorder and if you can't get control over it… then it will take over.

i was eager to practice yoga with darren. his class last week made me excited for the one today and i ate a quick breakfast for energy and hurried along. on my way there i passed shannon and talked with her on the street for a few minutes but had to cut that short or i would be late. the weather is really nice out and the purple trees are beginning to shed their petals which look lovely in scattered circles below. i arrived just on time and was the only student. this gave me some added excitement because i knew that the class would be focused on me. he asked me what i needed to work on and i explained that my shoulders hurt and i have trouble with getting into poses fast because i haven't been able to practice as often as i used to.

the heat in the room was nice to help relive any pressure that has built it up. i am beginning to enjoy being covered in my own sweat… knowing that the toxins are being flushed out and i am helping my body to "reset". he has an abundance of knowledge on how to detox through movement and i am eager to learn. he helps adjust my movements and move me along in the poses. it was a nice change of pace to have a difficult class, one where i actually experienced a new feeling. he showed me how to rest upside down on my head stand with blocks on my shoulders. it was a lovely inversion that releases your shoulders and neck while also re circulating the blood flow in your whole body.  he spotted me through many upside poses and i felt like i was in gymnastics class again… i had a connection with him throughout the time but not in a way of … what you would think with a character like him. it was in a way that i know we are on the same level and he could really help me excel in my yoga practice. afterward i had a few questions to ask and he quickly let me know he had a girlfriend. this is a relief to me… because now i know i can relax and just have a student teacher relationship. its nice when guys that i think i may be attracted to have girlfriends because then it eases the tension in my mind…lets me just "be" around them instead of having to avoid or put on a show. silly huh?

he saw that i was riding a bike and so was he… his bike (that he was borrowing from a friend) was a trek townie and reminded me of ashton. he had a hand drum and we chatted a minute outside and he invited me to see his band play music at a small pizza place on the corner of 7th and PCH…. i was kinda excited to go to something like this. we'll see if it works out. 

i biked back home and made a nice lunch of the one egg i had left, a cheese stick and rice. there isn't much food left so this is my option… i sat at the dining room table and watched a few npr music concerts, one in particular that i really like by iron & wine and then a few new ones. the internet was being difficult to load so i had to listen to it on the speakers. i spent time catching up on a lot of writing…. it was good to change the scenery. 

ali called and we planned our afternoon of shopping for food. both of us had put this off for a few weeks. first we went on a really nice bike ride down the ocean side path with syd to take him to the dog beach. we spent some time there walking back and forth along the shore. then to bike back and head to the farmers market. its nice to stock up on fresh produce and i spent too much money on other nonsense like cake balls and granola bars. we met niya there, she was with tom and we spent some time chatting and snacking. ali and i failed with ordering cecviche and then resorted to our usual empanada. we left and went to whole foods where i proceeded to spend way too much money. it was frustrating because i don't have any money to spend, but i have to eat. 

i got home and unpacked my things and then planned to go hear the reggae music with niya… i got ready and really liked my outfit and hair… but i did have a zit on my lip that i was trying not to mess with until after we got back. i took off my nail polish since it was so chipped and i haven't seen my nails without red on them in almost a year and a half. the nail beds are sore and i think i will let them breathe for a day. i caught up on Facebook and laughed because my childhood friend lauren white uploaded photos of us from when we were really young. it was so funny to see my childhood self with terrible bangs. i've always kinda looked the same though… i had platinum blonde streaks in my hair always as a child and the crazy curl waves everywhere. i remember the birthday party well, it was the first time that i was able to ride a pony. she posted another older one with my mom holding me, she is a beautiful woman with insane hair.

niya never showed up and i had a few glasses of wine and watched a sermon about fighting. i was tired and started to get bored and close my eyes. i did manage to take a few notes and i would say that i made it through the majority of the sermon before falling alsleep. I'm now in the habit of waking up at five am and turning off all the lights. 

one.hundred.eleven.

knowing that this day was like my friday for my work week made getting up a little easier. it also helped that i had a new shirt to wear. i went to bed without washing my hair again… i was just too tired, so i had to wear it piled ontop of my head. this is fine because i knew that it was going to be a sweaty day. the green and black striped shirt was nice… the sleeves are cut out to expose my purple cami bra and volcom orange cords, add a contrasting color. the morning is quiet and slow and i return sklyers text about fitting her in for her hair appointment this afternoon. its only trish and i for most of the morning and i spend sometime out on the porch first thing to decompress from all the chaos in my mind. sarah had given me a book "letters to a young poet" to read. it was nice because i knew that this is something that i needed to read..i underlined a lot already in the first few pages with red ink and i felt like he was speaking to me. trish startled me with a few appointments and since it caught me off guard i was a little annoyed. the first men's haircut was already there and he was a client of london's. a very nice man who was getting ready to leave for a business trip to china. i enjoyed him as a client but I'm pretty sure that he will like his haircuts still with london. my next client was a relief, she reminded me of someone that i've met before. she was going to a rolling stones concert later in the evening and needed to get a hairstyle. she had a beautiful thick head of hair that i curled and twisted up to have some more texture and weird twist to look natural. it was really cool because she was married to a "big wig" in the music industry who is friends with mick from the rolling stones. i regret not having my slide show hooked up.. and scrolling but she was self occupied and i didnt want to annoy her with asking a bunch of questions. the hope is that she would of enjoyed her time with me and will return… establish a relationship and then see where it goes..i have some things to learn. 

the rest of my day was filled with good cients that i've had before who both texted me for their appointments. these girls mean a lot to me, especially skyler. something about her energy calms and excites me. she see things very similar to me… and i can see our futures colliding a lot. she talks of house parties, her boyfriend is in a rock band… the one that i took lindsey and april to see while they were here. we dreamed about her coming to the outer banks to do some recording. wouldn't that be a fun trip. she gave me a green and black mummy hand clip that she bought for me. it was so nice of a gesture… and the fact that a dead green hand hair clip reminded her of me… that's pretty awesome. i clipped it in and it matched my outfit perfectly. we straitened her hair and she was off …. she has a photoshoot the next day. it will be cool to see those pictures. its all for a promo that she is doing on kickstarter to start earning money for her tour.

the last client was really amazing as well. i see the potential in this girl… her eyes are stunning and so is her soul. the outside appearance just doesn't match and i hope that one day she will feel better about herself in order to take care of her body. we did a really cool color pattern on her hair, teals and blues…also i gave her the cut that susie just got.. and my sister last summer. the drop aline is coming back… but a longer version that leaves pieces to sway at the collarbone. i talked to her about my "mission" and she was really excited to her about it. it was nice to have that bit of support.

alex texted me at the perfect time, with his usual perfect words. 

i would to replay all of them… but its better left unsaid. he is always on my mind and perhaps i am on his just as much… but he wants me home, along with a lot of other people. but i know that it would be selfish to leave LA. its not time yet, or else i wouldn't be this comfortable. the fact that i have loving support at home makes all the difference. 

i came home and was thankful to have dinner and watch the news with daniel and ian. the chicken was really good and just sitting and watching the news for the first time in california was strange. hearing the weather channel and not really knowing where i am… all of it is still so foreign. but this day makes the six months since i arrived into town. a lot has changed. 

the night was nice…i took an instagram picture of liberty and lennon… the picture that i acquired from ali. it was just going to go in the trash… she had spent a lot of time with it in her room in virginia as we were going up. now it is the only piece of artwork in my room. i just decided to put in on Facebook… its late but i like the photo and know that no one really pays attention to me anyway. 

my shower time was nice ... exfoliated with olive oil and sugar, colored my hair again with 10.7 in order to eventually achieve platinum streaks. shaved my legs and covered my clean body with coconut oil. then i checked my phone to play some music…or out of pure habit and noticed that harry was the only one who liked my photo. i guess someone is paying attention. i smiled so much it was silly and jumped up and down. funny how the smallest silliest things bring me bounds of joy. i spend some time trying to write but fall asleep with all the lights on… my hair is soaking wet still when i wake up to the birds chirping at five thirty. i'll just turn the lights off now and fall back asleep to the sunrise.  

one.hundred.ten.

social experiment.

i am here today to be different than i was yesterday.i am just thankful that i don't have to be at the loft.

 i need to be more of a character. remember when "he" said that if my life was a reality show… he would watch. most of us would actually. that is really creepy.

i hate crying. but yesterday i had to talk about it. i had to cry about it. its just like ali said.

as if everyone disappeared. 

you can be whomever… these are all the words you get during the night before. 

it was hard to wake up from the night before… i was comfortobally wrapped in a a cocoon of blankets in my bed. i could hear the commotion early on the streets. the room mates were beginning to get up… thanks to a jack hammer that went off around eight in the morning. i text ali to see what she was doing… and she was walking down broadway, headed to get some breakfast. mmm ham and cheese croissant.

i was hoping the eating something would help me feel better… maybe bring me back to life. she met me here after nine with food and sydney. i just love seeing her in the morning. we sat on the floor and ate our breakfast as syd just sat and watched us, acting weird as usual. we went our separate ways for awhile to get ready for the day. i tried to make myself look fancy… a little more make.up, lace leggings and my high waist insight shorts.. the cut up loft tee. it was an interesting get up… but it is gay pride weekend and i figured i could get away with this outfit. the parade started around ten-thirty and all the chaos was beginning. i was thankful to be able to sit on the roof perch and watch from above. I'm learning about myself that i like when lots of people are gathered together… but i do not like being part of the masses, i'd much rather be observing from above. the parade was entertaining. lots of eccentric people that are just fighting and promoting for love equality. i support this, who are we to say if someone should be able to marry or not? in my opinion, marriage should be much harder for everyone to get into… just like having kids. its ridiculous the "rules" for both very life changing choices.

there was just a little too much drunkness and chaos… to venture down from my perch. i sat up there with ali, ruthie and daniel for most of the time. a really good looking tan guy introduced himself to me.."hi, I'm todd summers"… nice to meet you. he was an unusual beautiful face who was there with this really tall boyfriend.. carlos maybe? there were so many people wandering around, our house was the location of a party so… that is to be expected. i saw shannon from down below and she yelled up at me. we were supposed to meet at the front of the festival gates… but no one did. instead the girls came here and hung out. it was nice to just have the party be at my place, we could all sit on the patio that overlooks the bay.. there is plenty of room. sometimes its still hard to believe that i live here.

the day went on like this… with people drinking and partying and drinking too much. i just stayed pretty much with water for the morning, made sure i had on my sunscreen and didn't make too many moves. it was too pleasant just being on the patio hanging out with everyone. susie and claudia came by later and it was really good to see them and just hang out casually. i introduced them to my room mates and ali… then they left to go to the festival. i think i already had in my mind that i wasn't planning on going… i stayed at the house and had lunch with ali.

things were getting weird and i needed to use the bathroom… come to find out mr. todd tagged my bathroom mirror with "todd summers was here xox"… strange. this annoyed me and i had to lock up my room. it was just too early for all that … and the fact that he used my really nice under eye concealer to mark himself. i am not okay with this. him and his boyfriend paraded around the house with their dramatic dislay of affection… ridiculous.

he was too tan anyway… but it was fake.

the remainder of the day was really nice, ali left just as niya showed up and we sat on the porch and had a drink listening to music. i was bored with the selection so of course i turned to the hound dogs, critters and ichymane. niya laughed and loved the music,she said that she could tell it was harry and felt like she had heard the music before. i think we have, years and years ago when harry was elvis or the beatles… and niya and i were the girlfriends of the guys. its strange our connection… as i feel she gets me. we are both in a rut of sorts and started to wear each other down… i was thankful that sarah showed up. i went outside to let her in the gate, i peered over the ledge to see if she was down there. she looked cool standing near with her shades and joy division tee. she handed me some purple flowers that she had picked and gave me a hug. it was nice to see her and have her energy around. she is always ready to talk and full of excitement and interest. we sat on the porch awhile longer… just talking about life and what we should be doing… how we just need to be patient. it was getting dark and cold, niya left and sarah and i decided to come inside. i changed into a more appropriate outfit while she flipped through my sketchbook. she is always excited over art… even the "not so good stuff" that i feel like i produce. but i do have a love for just a few of the pieces. we walked to her house and admired the beautiful purple trees that line the streets here in california. we just don't have this color back on the east coast. we walked to her apartment, which was in this amazingly old building and i loved the character. her room was adorable and scattered with sayings, quotes… records and artwork. i listened to cat power for just one song while she changed clothes.

our dinner was really good at veggie grill, i really do need to stop spending money out to eat, but it was worth the special occasion. we talked about more important things like love. she had a crush on one of  the girls that works there…and it worked out that they will be hanging out with each other later on the week. i am of course stuck on harry and discuss how i miss him and wish i could stop obsessing over the past. actually he doesn't really exist in this life. only in spirit. 

a few small things happen as we are talking that will undoubtedly add flare to my future. the ride home was nice and we discussed feelings and relationships.. i played through a few of michelle and i's good times as we traveled… also that part i remember of her yelling at me that i was one of the only girls that wouldn't go "gay". i guess I'm just stubborn and set in my ways.

i walked back to my apartment and saw all the drunk people leaving from the festival. it was nice just being sober and going to be. i had intentions of creating … writing … painting… but instead i just went to sleep. 

one.hundred.nine.

it was nice to have the morning be different. i loved that ali was able to meet me at my front door. i want to see her face almost every morning. we are like the complete sentence when together.

six am

this is when we go to the la fashion district and fish around. we choose the styes that the girls in long beach wear. this is what we do..

i love my life really

spending time with niya is what i do. i am amazed by this darling soul. she wears an amazing outfit and realizes that a few more pieces are fitting together.

i read lindsey's blog and cry.

just a few subtle tears. she is my sister. she is from somewhere i have been before.

isn't it weird how closing one eye will change the angle. i guess you would know. thinking about my sisters. i can't understand where i came from…. the three of us. i feel so lost right now. what i am doing??? i feel brave and oh so curiously scared at the same time. but i know that it is right. 

i know.

i make all kinds of mistakes today. i am everywhere and nothing really impresses me.

the sushi dinner date with ali and niya is my best time of the day ever.

it was beautiful to be able to spend so much time with them.i absolutely love these women.

it is what is happening. 

something about hair school changed my entire life.

are you ready to relive this journey with me??

she is a stunning human.

so is niya.

and  then you get a spark back… the three of us could collect a crowd.

lets have fun and be stylish. once you meet me.. you remember.

after that… comes music.

you like the sound. so do i.

it hurts. 

one.hundred.eight.

falling in and out from from place at sleep.

this day was eletricefid by the urgency of  losing my mind.

i want to some up the day quickly. the bike ride has been easier since the winter winters have taken place using the morning. 

i have ven been to a show…. 

i figured out an idea that would show video streaming live so I can see the upcoming shows. i really did feel bait pbi crazy this morning i didn't relate to my clients at all. it was kinda akward, who? like if all the condtionsiop treating isn't the buy… you  joust give it p and have differing ones for different… houses I'm sure. 

we are kinda a dark and m.

is we unvoer the history. i do'tthink its for me to know …

sleep writing. 

i read shelley winters out on the patio porch this afternoon. katie gave me the book before we left to go out of town. i tried to start reading it months ago… i dress like a boy?

One.hundred.eight. (Continued)

I kept falling asleep and had no interest in recalling my day.

But overall it was good, I wasn't feeling the hair appointment that I was scheduled.. I didn't connect with her. Her color turned out decent... Simple and quick process. The remainder of the day was slow. I ate a good protein lunch of egg and avocado and chicken salad, then walked to spend some time with niya. She was cleaning her store and I could tell she wasn't that into it... We went for a stroll through the neighborhood, drinking coffee and looking in iguana gift shop. It was really colorful in there, I enjoyed the candles.. Particularly rain scent. It reminded me of Mimi... And her candle obsession. Everything in the little shop was nice, I just have not one dime to spend. I actually stop to pick up dimes.. It's money and it's on the street, the floor...

We stumbled onto a yard sale that was just around the corner and browsed through some of the stuff... Niya found a nice set of chopsticks for only a dollar. I didn't even have that to spend. 

I spent a lot of time sitting on the back patio and reading the autobiography of Shelley winters. She reminds me of myself for some reason ... Something about her determination. I  haven't completed a book in a while.. But I'm interested in her. It was nice to just sit in the quiet and enjoy... The setting sun of the day. It reminded me of the evenings in south mills, my peaceful country childhood. 

I was thankful for the work time to end. I was really frustrated with my "life" right now. I'm just in a rut of sorts... One that is making me sick. I think depression is setting in and I am not making enough of the "happy" chemical. It is beginning to take a toll on my physical being. I guess life does happen and the weight starts to set in... But I need to check myself soon. I refuse to be heavy... The only way to accomplish my goals is to be physically and mentally light.

I was so thankful to come home and just clean. The construction is almost completed but everything is a mess. I wiped everything down, vacuumed and washed my bedding. I think it made a difference. I haven't been sleeping well... Or breathing that good. It's taking a toll on my body. I spent time cooking myself dinner and drinking whiskey... Listening to NPR concerts on the big screen. I've decided that I need there to be a live feed for the hound dogs show.. How cool would that be.. Then I could just sit in my living room and watch it. 

Delusional? I may be.. Joey yelled it at me... He said I was. But is it true. 

London said he could feel the electricity of my madness... "I have lost my mind." 

Ever had a day where you didn't want to exist? I don't know was is real or fake anymore. 

one.hundred.seven.

even further along than i thought. 

how much is too much?

really i haven't a clue these days. it is a wonder I'm sane at all really. when you can be whoever, you can change and create something everyday. that is the point of leave. you change, and literally can never go back.

who's to say what is normal?

who's to say if it is indeed obsession.

i would agree and say that my entire life is an obsession, just different waves of them that push me around and make me feel nervous. sometimes i stay under too long and i can no longer breathe.

work this morning, i dreaded it… but it wasn't too hard to wake up. the two days off helps get me in a better mood. i loved that i was able to have coffee with niya and talk to her. we are about to have a lot of fun together. it is nice to have a parallel partner.

my clients today were good… my men's haircut client dates a girl that started an online clothing company, she just does that buying. he is a good looking guy… hugged me at the end of the appointment. caught me off guard.

her style is pretty good.

my last appointment is a close to my heart client. one of those that just gets attached. i wish that i could understand more, i wish i could remember more. 

i couldn't get her color right, its like i was off a bit this evening. it is very rare that i can't get color formula's right, but itis like i just wasn't into it as much.

the energy was off and it was a frustration that there is so much negativity locked inside that building.

london was a bit much for me today, i was irritable and tried to keep my distance from everyone… which is pretty much how i am anyways.

I'm sure they all have just "lovely"things to say about me behind my back… like who does she think she is.

but honestly.. its all ridiculous. 

i have nothing to worry with what others think.

i biked home during the sunset. it was getting cooler out and i had a slow pace.. my legs are tight and tired.

niya came to get me around ten. it felt late and i had already laid down … to stretch my back. my shoulders are tight and my neck hurts a lot. we had made plans last week to go listen to music downtown… at harvelle's. on thrusday telato does a show … kinda jazzy R&B with burlesque dancers. 

it was neat to see the show… not the most entertaining, but it intrigued me for awhile. niya and i talked nonsense over drinks… and basically couldn't hear each other and looked old… wise.

she realized she had lost her keys. it got kinda messy from here… we retraced our steps but no luck. she had to call her sister who was frustrated with the whole thing.. we took a quick, well she took a pic of me… wearing my hat that i love so much. it is how you portray yourself to the world. 

how do they see me?

we go back to the bar… look around and decide we are bored.

then we leave and find her keys at the parking booth. the younger guy from before was doing pull ups and laughed about the keys. it was a relief and now we could go somewhere else 

the pizza at the congregation house was amazing. that flavor of pizza that you want again.

i was actually happy with the food.

sitting in the corner booth to discuss a few things. 

to share a few secrets, its time to get to know each other. we decided that at the end of this… these four hundred days… we'll have to move.

its going to be a good run… but until then. 

remember to do this:

My lovely,

I will recommend that you start your day { first thing in the morning } with a lemon juice { fresh,with warm water}

Supplement

Vitamin E in the morning { 400mgr}NSI [label }

Multi vitamine :Try electrolyte stamina from Tace mineral { 1 in the morning }

Amalaki :1 around lunch time or with your breakfast { organic India amalaki Vitamin c}

Ashwagandha formula 1 lunch or breakfast{ organic India }

Neem : 2 breakfast 2 lunch

 to found this products go to VITACOST .COM .

Please let me know if you found everything ok I'm ready today to make an order myself I will be please to help you if you need .

I love to have you in class you are so sweet and beautiful ,

Have a nice day .

Love and Peace in your heart

Anne.

she wrote that to me august 2011

one.hundred.six.

and then what?

I felt tired and completely content in my bed, cuddled in a nest of pillows and blankets.  The dark cave becomes a safe haven for my chaotic dreams. Lately they have only be a feeling.. An essence of this and that, only details... But nothing to learn or recall. I know 'that boy' won't leave me alone. He must be tired at home... From all the running around in my dreams. Consuming every inch of my motivation to be here...

All of the banging begins, they start out in the living area and slowly make their way to the bathroom. One of the guy knocks on my door... I'm too lazy to get up and lose my comfortable spot... He asked me to go with lunch with him... Very quickly, casual but it caught me off guard and I made up some silly excuse of how I couldn't go because I needed to sleep, I have to work late. I laid in bed just staring off into space and I couldn't fall back asleep.. So I spent some time working on Stella and Dot paperwork, getting ready for the show. I also used the time to lay in bed and work on my blog. The rest of the day consisted of me trying to stay out of their way... And dealing with how much pain my menstual period caused, which hit me hard this morning. I'm sure it didn't help my lower back that I had worked out... Pretty hard the day before. I guess it got things flowing. I had coffee on the porch and soaked up the sun for about an hour... Just alittle tan. 

The highlight of my day was the phone conversation I had with Lindsey. I haven't heard her voice in awhile and it was so comforting to have her there with me on the phone. We haven't seen each other in months and now the pain has taken on a new meaning. I am curious to how we lived without each other all these years. She comforts me with good advice about making it work out here.. Give it at least another year, she made me so excited about the time I will be home... It will fly by. She is still searching for something, I can always feel it when I start to talk about my "life plan"... She has a void that I don't quite understand, yet she is so confident that it will be met with time and diligence by the universe. I want us to end up together one day... I want our paths to intertwine and hopefully maybe share our future passion. 

NPR music concerts in the living consume the rest of my afternoon, I'm waiting for the guys to be done with the work in my bathroom... So I spoil myself with surround sound private shows. Seeing the live energy in front of me just amps me up for my future. I even indulge in watching the only same videos of harry singing me songs.. I'm ready for more... I always am.

The next part of my day was unpredictable, but I feel somewhat confident in the 'adventure'. It is my first Stella and Dot show as a stylist... At the lovely little house of faith. I work with her at the loft and she is just a sparkle of charm. Ladies like her give me hope that it will be so much fun to be secure and settled in my early forties. The women that did show up to the party were nice, beautiful women. One of them was a client of London's, she is an adorable Korean? Woman of five feet with stunning skin. The theme of the night was talking about having kids... One of the girls was due in October. It was interesting listening to their side of the story ... I think it made Ali think alittle too much about how difficult having kids really is. I found the party a bit awkward, as I am still new to this kinds thing. I liked the feel of the parties better with amanda.. Her collection is bigger and also she just likes to talk to everyone. I am not as charismatic as  people make me out to be... I try. Overall it was good but I was nervous and sweaty during most of it, I also made a few small mistakes that I will try and improve on. 

Faith's hairless cat was the excitement at the end of the night.. I want one when I decide to settle. They are so weird and alien like, I need one as a companion. But he will have to be tough and travel well.. I think harry and I would look just right with one as our...

Enough with that dreamland. Back to the house, faith sent me home with food.. I snacked a mintue, spent some time filling in the orders and then editing. I tried to take a nap at like midnight which was silly as usual.. Sleeping with all the lights on. I woke up to the sunrise and washed my face, then feel back to sleep. 

one.hundred.five.

neurotic is a better way to explain my state of   mind. 

what is it about me putting myself through this crazy life that is doing this to me??????????????????

breathe.

i wake up because of all of the construction. it is loud… but i need to be up anyway. i check the yoga schedule as soon as i wake up and i find that a class is about to start. i stare at the screen and know that… if i don't leave right now, i will not make it. i get dressed, brush my teeth and out the door. it is very warm and sunny.. i get there pretty quickly. it feels good to walk into the warmth of the room and darren. he is a guy closer to my age… i like this look, his voice and he seems very intelligent. i think he is surprised with our, shannon & I ( a beautiful redhead ) skill. the class was tough and a few of the poses i couldn't hold or even complete, but i tried to push through. if felt good to be able to just lay still after. then back out into the heat of the mid afternoon. 

the ride home was nice, but against the wind. i spent some time eating and writing.i also laid out on the deck and read a novel that katie had given me when i visited her in the beginning of november. it is about shelley winters who was good friends with marilyn. she said that the book reminded her of  me… i decided to read it. i tried to start it a few months ago but didn't get far.. but this time is was much more interesting. i see a lot of parallels' here.. one line in particular about how something in her womanhood being taken away pushed her to be an even better woman.. reminds me of something. 

i started to cry a few times during just the first two chapters. 

i don't like to think about losing loved ones.

i didn't make it to the market today which was kinda a bummer because i really wanted to get avocados. but money is really tight right now and i need to be thinking about saving as much money as possible. so i just stayed at the ouse and spent time writing and taking naps. the consrouction woke me up again this afternoon and i went and laid again out on the porch. it was just a blessing to able to do this… i like this lifestyle. i can hardly afford it.

i helped ian prepare dinner… a salad and spagetti. i really like to cut things up really small, it reminds me of susie and how she said she lived with an italian family who always cut everything up into small pieces. it makes sense and allows you to be able to digest them better. i really did like dinner better tonight, i guess because i helped create it. the salad was really good and i ate several bowls.

just before dinner i talked to mom and dad on the phone, and changed my flights to two days earlier. i just want to go home right now… I'm very anxious and really need to do something. i need to start making some money soon… but  that will happen with time and more MORE dedication. now it is time to focus on so many things that are not money… 

i like where i am at.

as much as i would love to be at "home" now… i need the expericene what i have right now. i can see myself just a little older and much much more successful… returning to the beach and having my own "getaway" there. i will always and forever be part of the …. outer banks. 

"It's a tragic truth that the kinds of imaginative people who can envision new societies — the intellectuals — are typically not the same people who know how to communicate those visions to the great mass of people. In fact, the intellectuals are often crummy at it. To get people off their butts and out into the streets, you need professional storytellers — writers, artists, songwriters, poets, filmmakers, actors, ritualists — who are gifted at grabbing people by the guts and not letting them go.

Artists are the ones who transform the intellectuals' ideas and visions into heart-level imperatives brimming with deep historical and personal meaning. They're the ones who can inspire vast numbers of people to make the necessary sacrifices, to feel intense bonds of solidarity, and to understand that the work of revolution is the most important work of their lives. You can't do that with a treatise. It takes a manifesto, a movie, a theatrical ritual, a marching song."

six people you need to start a revolution by sara robinson

one.hundred.four.

monday.

where i am this morning confuses me… since i mixed up the schedule by taking yesterday off. i had intentions of waking up earlier (i always do) but my sleepy dream world keeps me in bed until the last minute. the ride to work was nice… i wore shorts for the first time, it is finally starting to feel like summer.

it was quiet at work, just london and i for the morning. i had a few clients on the schedule. one in particular was one of my first clients when i first started six months ago. alania… a beautiful woman from catalina island. she has a stunning daughter, avalon, named after the town she grew up in there. i long for my island life and live vicariously through her… as we pass stories back and forth. her hair is stunning i think i did a good job at styling… her hair reminded me of jess moody, the color… and how heavy it is.

it was nice to discuss the boys, just a little, as i laugh about how one of the two will become the rockstar… i have a feeling. it will be a tight race. as for me? i'll just be in the middle.

i had another repeat male client, todd… he is nice character and i favor his ray ban sunglasses. our conversation is good and it reminds me of the performance i saw yesterday. the more i think about it… the more i want to see it again. i think that is was just so absolutely wonderful and full of excitement and talent. 

the day was really hot and i felt the need to escape and i was bored with all of my usual distractions, i sat under the shade and took a nap. i woke up to the neighbors alarm clock going off for about an hour. london was sitting out there and discussing family drama with his mother, I'm so glad that our family literally has … none. 

maybe we are just too quiet.

the last appointment of day was a lovely woman with stunning thick dark hair. i did not like her color and had in mind the exact color she needed. she has green cat like eyes that drew me in.. and  she immedialty asked if i was an artist. yes i am. 

this makes me even more want to put some artwork up on the walls by my station. 

i rushed through her color somewhat, i was ready to be done and was just exhausted. it turned out well… with and exception of a few spots. i needed to be a little more thorough with the application, but i was happy with it overall and she was pleased. she is getting married on august 2 and i am pleased to be able to do her hair… and perhaps make.up for her wedding. 

my ride home was good, the wind was wild and i was going against it, as usual… ian and daniel were getting ready to leaving to go to the grocery store, i decided to join them. we wandered around von's and i was all of over the place, trying to keep my purchases limited to a hand basket.. which didn't 'work. it is nice of them to include me in these events, the cashier was amused and asked if we were room mates and commented that they were awfully nice to me… the feelings are mutual.

we got home late… i had a glass of wine and ate dinner while daniel cleaned out the fridge and organized. i tried to stay out of their way. it was quick for me to put my things up and i went to my room to write for awhile. i didn't finish my wine and left a candle burning…i intended to just close my eyes and ended up sleeping all night with the lights on. i woke up at around six am and i heard oliver and andrew leaving for work. i got a glass of water and saw the sun rising… contemptated getting up to go for a run. i listened to the birds for awhile and then fell back asleep. 

one.hundred.three.

(may.1.2012)

one year ago.

"the summer of boy FRIENDS. i do not sleep with my guy friends. this is very important. learning. advice. changing. moving forward. being bizarre. i am ridiculous. oh so ridiculous. i work ALL THE TIME. i am impressive, overwhelming, adoring and in love. i am patient, positive and colorful. I was put here to make women feel beautiful. i want them to be.

idea. sunday brunch, weekly fashion blog? creative photos. BOOKS

hard copy books are the answer.

pictures test so many stories. just one is worth so many stories. i like the photo that can tell so many stories. but i like to leave most things out. i am a good story teller. extreme humans don't think I'm crazy. i don't have to be so sexual. i like a bit of innocence. 

this day was different and i realized a lot about myself. these last few days made things different. i need a personal assistant. that is a GOAL. longterm. flying back and forth? in a plane. NOT IMPOSSIBLE. then i really can be two places at once. i don't have to own a house, or just one.

i don't have to be married. i can be alone and its okay. i am Tehra Burton.

"whose are you?"  (gucci will) i belong to no one. married to "myself".

so we are just friends. so many friends. who says it is over? it is not even close to over. NOT even close. poems. texture. abstract patterns. being original. laughing and spending time with lindsey. she is beautiful".

what a lovely letter to myself. it is rather amazing how recording this stuff helps me see what i have accomplished. journals are the answer to figuring out… happiness. 

i was glad to mix up the routine in my day. i slept in until the afternoon. i could hear voices outside, a lot going on.. it was mother's day. i tried to stay in my dreamland and wake up when i could get up… but the lack of light in the morning really takes a toll on your sleep pattern. 

skipping opportunities to get out and see the world.

i ate breakfast and made coffee while daniel cleaned up the kitchen. our time together is really wonderful.. as our conversations are always really deep and thought provoking. i kept thinking that the day was once ago when i was with mimi.

oliver and andrew came home with some family, it was good to meet his mom dad and brother. they are beautiful people, his mother is adorable. i sat and chatted for awhile, i was just waking up and in my pajamas, no make.up. i needed to spend some more time alone and in the quiet, so i escaped to my room to lay and write. just laying in bed all afternoon doing computer things feels good. i was able to do a bit of yoga with my conception playlist. it went by quickly as i moved through the warrior poses. it was time leave. i threw on quickly a dress that i got from jess moody. it is a good design and i always get compliments when i wear it. also with my pumped up kicks and tan leather jacket with the pointy shoulders… good outfit. we met with matt and steve and then headed on the 405 to santa monica. it was good to just take a ride in the back seat and listen to the radio. spending time talking to one another. i took a creative picture of oliver in his outfit… that was very orange and striped. 

we talked about music and small stuff on the way there. i was really excited to see andrew's play. it was neat that i was able to help inspire the costume design, so seeing this really meant something to me. it was held in a middle school, lincoln in santa monica… right by the ocean. i had been here before. i knew before we even walked up there… but that made me feel it just a bit more. it is strange when i have these moments. we got there early and stood around outside waiting, i was enjoying the scenery. hanging out with daniel while he smoked cigarettes. we sat in the middle row, the first seat i tried put me on the floor, come to find out it was broken. the music was amazing and oh so perfect. actually all of it was wonderful. i wish they  wouldve had a bigger audience, but it was perfect for me. the performance was so emotional and made me remember so much about my life. it took me all the way…

i smiled out loud and fell in love with the black rebel motorcylce club. they are like the black keys..but deeper and dirtier. that explains it. just like my almond bi-chai double dirty drink… that fancy. "that is what you are." 

the costumes were exactly how i imagined, and the characters i connected with. its funny the dance is what did all the talking. if only that was real life. i would be quite the talker. to see the bodies moving and dancing about inspired me. that extra energy from the performance, the more i think about it, the more i enjoy that i went to something like that. it was really cool to be able to witness all of it.

afterwards we walked to a vegan restaurant on wilshire. it was a nice walk during sunset where i was able to chat with ian, getting to know the boys. i like spending time with oliver as well. our dinner was really good… a vegan burger that was not what i had expected. they talked about some interesting things…some ridiculous things as well. 

oliver and i had a moment after dinner while walking back. "things just seem to really be falling into place for you". yes, that is why i am just going to keep going, no major moves right now. just taking it all in stride and enjoying… the time i have to be slow and lonely. looking at the moon and seeing the stars mixed with palm trees is just crazy. it is so wild that i live here. 

our ride home was intruiging, in the back of a honda civic in-between nate and steve. they are cool characters and asked questions about me. guess they were curious, perhaps they meant it.

"you've lived an interesting life." so they say.

the russian girls… all kinds of black sheep behavior. i an apprientated that i said i was "slutty" when i was twenty.three. but i was… no need to deny it. but really it came down to … no boy ever says no when given the chance to be with me, it poses a problem when i have self confidence, tequila and heels.

but it makes me human. we drop the boys off… matt lives in the first high rise that was built in long beach… crazy looking building. i would love to see it sometime, the inside.

we come home and i take time out to write and discover myself a year ago in my lovely leather journal that i found on the streets of new york. 

working on my blog…i quickly and simply designed a 500 days of LA blog. its about time i get this active because it is not about books..its about instant. i can print out hard copies later. i just don't want to waste time anymore. but how much is too much to put out there? i'll still hide and monitor that most important details. just take it… it just happened. i stay up early into the morning writing and writing and writing… feeling busy with energy and inspiration to get things going. I'm really excited. 

oh.. and matt told me that i looked like shirley temple when she was an early twenty, haven't heard that one before.. but i looked it up. i really do. she was very pretty…. an innocent looking. 

one.hundred.two.

I'm not sure… but i think from now on things will become very different. i am starting to fit now.. it is more of what i know to be what makes me happy. i was relieved to be able to lie in bed this morning and just be.. of course i slept weird and it hurt my back… i need to stop falling asleep with my laptop. i just need to separate work and sleep time. but i feel i don't have enough time. 

i dreamed about being at home eating at a big round table with all my friends. i was so excited to be sitting with that many people… all those that i truly love, having a home cooked meal. 

this symbolizes the gathering of the group at home.. our empire.

there has to be a king and a queen.

any rockstar has to have a good woman behind the scenes. the one he is with the majority of the time. she is more of a muse than a lover. she has so much power that he can't seem to tame… but it drives him mad. mad enough to make a mess just to keep her interested… i can see it all now.

my clients were good. but there was an underlying excitement. i was glad that my insight fringe shirt and san fran teal silk blazer… pumped up kicks. my hair was so bright, fluffy and clean. it felt good to have it down again… i was able to spend time with ali and her mom for awhile. she is so lovely … ali ran a marathon with her dad today…. he waited until the last minute to catch up with her.

"hello tehra"… says austin. with his usual smile on his face, he had a hair cut with claudia today and i was glad that i had francisco in my chair for most of it… he is a cool guy and i like working on his haircut.. talking about the crazy adventures of cleopatra and my cross county mad dash .. art. he liked the photos… its a good conversation piece. i should run the actual instagram shots… 

i could feel his energy as soon as he entered the room, it took all i could do not to stare. but really… i overheard only one small section … that he was saving money to get his tour bus and get on the road… 

thats all i needed to hear. right?

well i spent time with london downstairs while we looked at apocalyptic fashion… which i love. and then i fooled around and had fun.. one wonan said.. "is that your wife?" …. well actually. we both just avoided the subject. he came downstairs as i was lifting orange juice… he laughed and touched my arms. "working on those muscles". haha

then he perked up before leaving with a somewhat awkward comment about going to see a show soon. it was awkward, but that is to be expected. what i really wanted to say… "i miss you and i want you in my life lets hang out beside each other forever because i love to stare into your eyes…" but you just don't say those things to a stranger. but i was thankful for that moment to look and see him still.. i am still that into him.

it is a coin toss really.

niya came in to get her hair styled with feathers. london has beautiful long organic looking ones… this time around it is different placement and colors. more natural… like they are just one with your hair. it is just so good to have her as a friend. she is a beautiful soul… one that i hope to travel to europe with, especially when i am exhausted and tired from touring with harry and austin.

the bike ride home was nice, the breeze cooled everything down a bit, but i still managed to become very sweaty in just a few minutes. i had some free time to mess around my room and work on my writing before niya picked me up. she brought jordan with her, a guy friend she has been spending some time with.. we drove downtown to the art walk and parked at vons. i was wearing a big blue coat… faux fur coat, which it was the perfect temperature for. i like to make a statement with my clothes, even if it is a bit too much… for comfort. it makes people look twice. i spent a lot of time talking to each vendor, as i am very good at making human connections. i bought a lovely rose gold pinky ring that i will add to the daily ensemble of right hand rings, i also was inspired by a stripped maxi. then we moved on to meet jeremy who is a rare bird that looks like he stepped out of the notebook. he lives near the salon and niya knew him from the coffee shop.. he makes leather things and i am very interested and getting a few books made. especially a dark red one, my daily journal is about to be full and he uses good off white paper… we chatted with a few more people and looked at some artwork. it was good to get inspired… and i would love to go to these things and actually spend $400 dollars on a piece of art, i especially fell in love with this hummingbird piece that i want in my moms house. one day… i met sarah and she does art with paint movement, her work is brilliant. she had a piece… one in particular of a silver fox with a dark green background, she offered to sell it to me for only $50… perfect deal but i do not have money to spend right now on art… i would love a print. it has personal meaning to me…. reminds me of when harry and i first got together, he constantly called me a fox that night… a silver fox is the highest of compliements… that beautiful sneaky dark creature.

i met one of my clients and his girlfriend, he has amazing photos, i particularly like one of this butterfly that was on the side of the focus of the picture. i wanted to have it… but once again, since i knew the guy  and i don't have any extra right now, i decided to wait. but i will remember that one…

the art walk shut down around ten, which was a bummer because i forgot that i needed to visit heathers frame shop/gallery. i really wanted to show her that i was serious about coming, but i pretty much got too distracted and turned around to even know where to start looking for her place… 

we walked around and found a place to sit and get a drink and a snack. after going to a few places and not being happy with the selection or service, we ended up at the stave. it was a really neat place, i like the old aesthetic there, the gold tin ceiling and the leather booths. this reminded me of somewhere that i would like to have dinner with london.. have a good whisky cocktail. we sat in the corner around a big piece of silver marble, had lemonade sangria and a tour of italy cheese plate. i liked what niya said about me… "there is something in your eye that is so mysterious, like you are thinking about something. it is so interesting.. like the good kinda bad. that is what got me.. i want to know what is going on in there. i don't doubt you one bit…"

thank you. 

she dropped me off at my "palace"… and i went inside to light my candle that i bought.. the smell reminds me of michelle… patchouli and honeysuckle. did just a little writing and went to sleep with no alarm set. it will be nice to just wake up naturally. 

one.hundred.one.

this is the first day that i didn't write until the night after… i think about skipping it. its too repetitive.

i did enjoy my clients. heather owns a frame shop and has a gallery she just opened downtown. I'm pretty excited about this… i would love to work with her. 

spending just an hour in niya's boutique made me feel so much better, it was the fastest hour of my day. i helped tag and steam clothes, something that i am very good at. it really was an overall good day, just nothing too fabulous. i made dinner… had quiet time. painted my nails… colored my hair and also enjoyed a real shower after not washing my hair for an unreasonable amount of time. it need to be brightened up… i talked to tupper on the phone for just a bit, talked about songs and music videos and such. i love how he says "the awesome te-hara".. his voice is really comforting and something about him just makes me want to be part of his life. he is a good and talented guy. he talked about hanging out with jess and i think that is the most wonderful thing ever, the unicorns are a rare breed. 

i fell asleep working on some projects, the rooftop fashion… day dreaming. 

i doodled at work a critter tour 2013 design. i like it a lot and wanted to share… to michelle and katie.

i also talked to lucy last night, she moved to san francisco which is awesome…. and i am so proud of her and i bet it is wild. she wanted to come visit me… thought that i was in santa cruz. i would love to see her… guess she won't be home for the summer.

it's bizarre that whole trip.

it's wild that i talked to everyone on the same day. 

even a chat with mom and jacyln on the back porch, i just missed home. i always will. 

one.hundred.

this day was monumental.

it was easier to get up because i was sleeping on will's couch and knew that i had a journey back to long beach ahead of me. getting ready was a quick thing, will's alarms kept going off…for almost an hour before he got up. its funny that he told me the night before to wake him up becuae he would be able to sleep through all the nonsense. he gave me money for a cab ride and i walked down to santa monica blvd. its not like new york, you can't just find a cab… you have to call. the morning was absoluelty beautiful, feels like spring and the flowers are so vibrantly colored. i took a few pictures of the purple trees… this color soothes.

after a minute of waiting, a yellow cab pulled up… and off to union station. i like being able to look around… its when I'm traveling around california that i have time to sit and think… really?? you live here. all the architecture is cool in this part of town. i start to think about what it would be like living here in this part, it would most definitely benefit my career. i would be able to make a lot more connections… but there is a comfort for me now in long beach. 

the traffic is bad, but i suppose it is better than earlier in the morning. i looked around to see all the people. no one was paying any attention to what was really happening. one girl who we were riding alongside was just putting on her mascara the entire time.. she didn't look ahead of her for awhile. others were texting, looking up and then down… up and down. some had head phones in… just looking around. i started to wonder off in my head about what it would mean for all this to end. what if we need to pay attention to something? 

its just wild to try and comprehend how many people are living over here, especially in LA.

we make it to the station in good time, the tab is the exact amount that will gave me money for… he predicted that well. i love this train station. standing in amazement, looking up at the ceiling. it amazes me that these types of buildings could be built in the early part of our founding… the youngest country, we figured a few things out on our own. the process was much easier and less chaotic, early in the morning is a peaceful time to be at the station. i will soon learn more about this and will be able to get a lot of places. the red line travel is underground… so its not that pleasurable but the next train, blue line, to long beach is above ground. it does cross through some very shady places… but the view is cool. i took a seat in the back and set up to be comfortable. the soundtrack was good, jaclyn had sent me some songs on spottily. one in particular … time and time again by the counting crows… classic. it made me cry. i couldn't hold it back, i was just so overwhelmed with emotion. there is so much for me here… i have so many ideas and my determination makes me crazy. it overwhelms me with the choices that i need to be making. my time will come… but i have to wait for it. i have to wait. 

i had an idea to have harry on this train singing a part of a video… with the low lying world behind him. this is something that others will not understand… this is something most of america will never see or experience. the train to LA. i can see so much in my head. is that how others brains work too? or am i a strange one…

we arrived in downtown long beach just in time for me to walk over a mile back to the apartment… which is still under heavy construction and then bike to work. i was able to spend a few minutes chatting with one of the guys on the project, he mentioned he had just moved here a year ago from florida. my ride to work was fast, i really had to pee and there was no running water at the house. it was hot and sunny at this time of the day. i got to work and was surprised to find the front rearranged. it looked really nice… lots of new paul mitchell product. its good to switch up the pace, move things around. i was so tired and sweaty when i arrived, london laughed a little. but my day had already maxed out my energy. of couse i got a walk-in immediately, i took a few minutes to collect myself and cool off. 

i spent some time sitting outside recapping the day before, the breeze was nice and london and i discussed how we are indeed introverts. i ate a really delicious salad from george's greek cafe and then got a walk in appointment. he was one of my first clients, john mcdowell. he is a nice guy but i was a little apprehensive when jeanette told me about the appointment because he kinda gave me a weird feeling last time. but the appointment this time was well… i was not happy that he smelled of alcohol and he does still give me that weird feeling… i just have to fight through it. he has a great head of hair and i liked his haircut. 

the rest of the day was quiet and i spend about an hour just watching and listening to you tube videos about how to play "stay" on the piano and guitar. i am very serious about being able to do this… but i don't even know the basics of either instrument. it constantly upsets me that i didn't dedicate more of my childhood to perfecting an insruement… but those two years of playing the flute have to count for something. i just need to refresh my brain with all the notes and things… 

then i was able to create a beautiful look on susie. it was one of those haircuts that i wasn't sure if it would turn out like how i excepted… but i took my time and really tried to pay attention. right before i started summer ran upstairs to tell me that austin had made an appointment to come in and get a haircut with claudia on saturday. it immediately made me sweat and nervous…. i humorously scolded her about telling me… reminding me of that kid. but I'm just glad that i will be busy with clients that day. but i would like my hair to look good.

i finished about an hour later and the outcome was beautiful. i think it suited her well… a modern bob with lots of movement. it may still need a few changes later… but i was really impressed.

i was so glad to bike home, the weather had changed and now it was cold and windy, the sunset was really vibrant. a very eerie orange and pink haze that was hovering over the city. the construction was still going on.. they were working late to make sure that we had one shower for the night. i joked that i really needed one. i was thankful that ian and daniel shared pizza with me… and wine. then oliver came out to have a very nice discussion… he has been spending time with us a lot lately because andrew has been busy with his play. its nice getting to know these guys better. they have become such a support system to me, they will be missed greatly. i don't even want to begin thinking about leaving them. but time will tell…. then oliver paid me a great compliment. the same one that alex gave me last october… that i am the perfect example of a christain. he started it with "what does it mean to you to be a christaian?" thats a tough question. but i suppose it is… that i lead by example and love others. the moment was really nice, refreshing… and surprising because i don't know that i have done that much to make an impression… but i suppose i have said, or not said… just enough.

i contemplated coloring my hair again but then ended up just laying in bed and massaging my scalp for about and hour… and then had a wonderful conversation with will. he compliments me on the other night and then we start to brainstorm about the summer and making more music videos. i am so serious about getting one of those bands a good video from home… to have garrett flown out there…. wow, this project could be amazing. but just the work it will take to convince the boys that i have the right …. holy goodness i have the right connections in hollywood? isn't that just crazy… it only took four months and i am well on my way. i fell asleep with all the lights on… in the right happy mood… i skipped washing my hair again. its just too much to deal with right now…